I don’t care what thread count your sheets are, if they don’t have a “top/bottom” label they’re not classy enough for me

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

She let me hit because I could explain how to play minesweeper

*shows up to a knife fight looking to make friends

Whoever said women aren't funny doesn't know ANY woman.

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

Found out I had 2 forms of cancer today and my doctor was concerned when the only questions I had were if he could write me a note saying it was fine that I'm high all the time and if this meant I could get a handicap parking pass

I will sell one U.S. state to the Canadians each day until my demands are met

Just know when I say I've lost weight what I mean is I forgot that I ate 2 pounds of taco meat meant for the family

Can’t, busy stringing my xanax into an adult candy necklace

His autopsy said he died of lung cancer so maybe dad really did go out for cigarettes

I prefer soft shells over hard shells because I have enough things in my life falling apart

Who up, who cold and shamed and lying naked on the floor

Wait...before we assume. Shouldn't someone make sure he didn't die from fentanyl

With football being back I need everyone to know that the word “huddle” is just a combination of the words “hug” and “cuddle”.

Star Trek II directors cut? You mean the long khan?

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"

I just wrote a skeet so clever and unique that only 73 other people have already skeeted exactly the same thing before me.

Tarrifs are so bad temu tried to offer me three trailer park girls to go round the outside for 0.01

I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket

You know those Highlights “circle what’s wrong” pictures? I’m about to take a pic of my kids’ bathroom counter and hand one a pen.

Me: Sometimes I just need a reminder to do things better. Why do you ask my son? Pullout: It's just that kids are teasing me at school

Me: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I… Husband: 10. Me: But you didn’t let me… Husband: It’s still 10.

Me: A nurse at this surgery center let me sleep for a couple extra hours after my procedure because she knew I had little kids Receptionist: … Me: I still have little kids Receptionist: Wanting a nap is not a valid reason to have surgery, ma’am

I asked my kid what he’d like to wear for the first day of school. “Um, I think…the picnic table shirt.” Gingham, he chose a gingham patterned button down

I hate it when people hog the 5 lb weights at the gym like c’mon Brenda I’m trying to get ripped here

I’m a marriage, kids, a mortgage and a serious job into this thing and I still wonder who the grown up looking person is in the mirror when I get dressed for work

They tell you a kid will lose their teeth when it’s time. But the longer you wait, the more time they have to boobytrap their bedroom to make the tooth fairy’s job like mission impossible

I’m going to be an adult about this, I said, setting fire to another My Little Pony.

Just signed up for gym membership and sprained my wrist

This ain't my first rodeo but I'm also a slow learner

[How Game of Thrones should have ended] King Robert: I just got back prince joffrey's ancestory .com report Cersei and Jaime: Oh shit

Sure I hate having to commute to work again but what I miss most is the mute button

I'll be at the "free lessons" booth

With Americans spending about 5 billion on Chinese fireworks this holiday it's kind of like we are giving them a christmas

My kid has mastered the “you’re so unfair!” growl, is there a competition or something I can enter her into so she can use her skill for good instead of evil

Astronaut: My air supply seems to be cut off Nasa: Yeah, everyone down here is too young to tolerate listening to it any more

In an alternate universe a radioactive Peter Parker bit a spider and the spider gained the powers of low back pain and student loan debt

*sees someone drop their wallet* *picks it up and runs after them* Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! You..*catches breath* Your outfit... is hideous

My milk is about to die. It’s at 2%.

It's kind of sad that Boner from Growing Pains and Cooter from Dukes of Hazard never got a spin off together

The fact neither party will release the Epstein files tells you that there is some fucked up shit in there.

A bartender walks into a bar because he’s a bartender and that’s how they get to work

I drive in the sweet spot where I’m not really speeding, but if you pass me you sure as hell are

I was proud at first for setting the high score on that speed machine near my house until the cop behind me beat it

i dumped one of those flavored powder things in my water so I’m super hydrated or whatever

My OnlyFans is just me rubbing my back against various wall corners to scratch an itch because I misplaced my backscratcher.

A twenty year old at work said commercials have never been weirder then they are today and I had to explain about a guy in a riddler costume trying to sell you a book on how to make money used to air 5000 times a day in the 90s

Bandaids are for the weak just suck on your open wound until it doesn’t taste like pennies anymore you’ll be fine

Driving me crazy? Like I haven't been doing donuts in the crazy parking lot all my life