I turned 41 yesterday so naturally my gifts were things I could use to make life easier. I got socks, a new wedge pillow (for heartburn and back pain) and a brand new pair of Batman pajama pants. You know, the necessities.

Messy house? Having guests? Tell them you’re teaching the kids to clean up on their own, and in an instant you’ll go from “lazy slob” to “model parent”

Kfc stands for Kevin, fucking christ

Sorry I’m late to the meeting, HR says I’m not allowed to write “nap time” on the office calendar so I had to switch it to “busy”

The only reason to count calories is to see if you beat your high score

Yesterday my wife found out if you have enough small stuff delivered on the same day. Amazon will throw in this neat reusable carrying case

Dad: Back in my day music had meaning. Will a boomer tell me wtf oweemoway is and what it has to do with a jungle

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

I think more ceos should have to consume their product on a tik tok so get on it guy that runs clorox

Your pool hustler name is the state you lost your virginity in followed by the meanest adjective a small child has ever used to describe you.

Why did we all let that 1 guy in our friends circle in high school that wouldn't shut up about Rush

Thought chemo was supposed to finish making me bald not giving me acid reflux and tinnitus this is bullshit

I don’t care what thread count your sheets are, if they don’t have a “top/bottom” label they’re not classy enough for me

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

She let me hit because I could explain how to play minesweeper

*shows up to a knife fight looking to make friends

Whoever said women aren't funny doesn't know ANY woman.

FedEx guy just pulled up pulled some big boxes off his truck and then put them back in and drove off so now I know how my dog feels when I come back in because I forgot my keys

Found out I had 2 forms of cancer today and my doctor was concerned when the only questions I had were if he could write me a note saying it was fine that I'm high all the time and if this meant I could get a handicap parking pass

I will sell one U.S. state to the Canadians each day until my demands are met

Just know when I say I've lost weight what I mean is I forgot that I ate 2 pounds of taco meat meant for the family

Can’t, busy stringing my xanax into an adult candy necklace

His autopsy said he died of lung cancer so maybe dad really did go out for cigarettes

I prefer soft shells over hard shells because I have enough things in my life falling apart

Who up, who cold and shamed and lying naked on the floor

Wait...before we assume. Shouldn't someone make sure he didn't die from fentanyl

With football being back I need everyone to know that the word “huddle” is just a combination of the words “hug” and “cuddle”.

Star Trek II directors cut? You mean the long khan?

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"

I just wrote a skeet so clever and unique that only 73 other people have already skeeted exactly the same thing before me.

Tarrifs are so bad temu tried to offer me three trailer park girls to go round the outside for 0.01

I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket

You know those Highlights “circle what’s wrong” pictures? I’m about to take a pic of my kids’ bathroom counter and hand one a pen.

Me: Sometimes I just need a reminder to do things better. Why do you ask my son? Pullout: It's just that kids are teasing me at school

Me: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it annoy you when I… Husband: 10. Me: But you didn’t let me… Husband: It’s still 10.

Me: A nurse at this surgery center let me sleep for a couple extra hours after my procedure because she knew I had little kids Receptionist: … Me: I still have little kids Receptionist: Wanting a nap is not a valid reason to have surgery, ma’am

I asked my kid what he’d like to wear for the first day of school. “Um, I think…the picnic table shirt.” Gingham, he chose a gingham patterned button down

I hate it when people hog the 5 lb weights at the gym like c’mon Brenda I’m trying to get ripped here

I’m a marriage, kids, a mortgage and a serious job into this thing and I still wonder who the grown up looking person is in the mirror when I get dressed for work

They tell you a kid will lose their teeth when it’s time. But the longer you wait, the more time they have to boobytrap their bedroom to make the tooth fairy’s job like mission impossible

I’m going to be an adult about this, I said, setting fire to another My Little Pony.

Just signed up for gym membership and sprained my wrist

This ain't my first rodeo but I'm also a slow learner

[How Game of Thrones should have ended] King Robert: I just got back prince joffrey's ancestory .com report Cersei and Jaime: Oh shit

Sure I hate having to commute to work again but what I miss most is the mute button

I'll be at the "free lessons" booth

With Americans spending about 5 billion on Chinese fireworks this holiday it's kind of like we are giving them a christmas

My kid has mastered the “you’re so unfair!” growl, is there a competition or something I can enter her into so she can use her skill for good instead of evil

Astronaut: My air supply seems to be cut off Nasa: Yeah, everyone down here is too young to tolerate listening to it any more

In an alternate universe a radioactive Peter Parker bit a spider and the spider gained the powers of low back pain and student loan debt