it's sunday, boys. you know what that means. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME APPLE PICKING

My mechanic said I needed "new bushings," so I slapped him across the face! The nerve!

your bottle of dishwashing liquid is on your sink counter but it’s facing backwards . are you insane ?

no way i’m falling for this a third time

Taken my make up off to practise scaring the kids.

I have a Plan A and a Plan B. Plan Sea is to fill my pockets with rocks and jump in.

Used car salesman knocked off 100 bucks just because he liked my face. Didn't care for my shirt, slapped on 30.

Working at the bank is: 10% bank transactions 87% helping clients reset their password 40% typing numbers without looking 24% accuracy

I won the rap battle but lost the rap war

a choose your own adventure book but it’s just me choosing a nap every time

can you keep a secret? me: nope

Her fragrance was ethereal, like Bounce dryer sheets left out in the rain, both mundane and haunting.

The assistant to Dr. Frankenstein didn't fully understand mentally or morally what they were up to in making the monster. But sometimes Igor-ance is bliss.

Got fingerprinted for my new job! They were so nice; the police were even there escorting me. So sweet

it's about time we had bnb services for the other three elements

They kicked me out of the Ninja Academy because I wouldn't stop wearing flip-flops

A fun thing about Bluesky is wondering why you don’t have any notifications and then remembering that you forgot to post.

The difference between marmite and vegemite? The vegemite hangs from the 𝘵𝘰𝘱 of the cave.

I just quit a book three pages in when I reached a second misspelling because I expect books to be smarter than me goddammit

listen, I worked really hard for this panic attack. the least I can do is see it through.

I thought I saw a severed foot under a car in the liquor store parking lot, but someone was attached to it. Life is disappointing.

Nothing ruins my Friday more than waking up to discover that it’s still only Thursday.

HER: I’m a genealogist. ME: that’s crazy, I just finished watching Aladdin.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Give him beer and Wi-Fi, and he forgets fish ever existed.

Pumpkin spice eye drops. The burn means it's working.

My go-to sex move basically looks like a wacky waving inflatable arm guy.

it was the best of times it was the worcestershire of times

why's it called a speed bump if i have to slow down? why's it called a bumper if i can't bump a few people? just a lil tap? no?

The announcement I made about losing my hair has resulted in major fallout.

your honor, i’m but a single crow, you can’t accuse me of a murder

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

[heaven] darwin: *pokes angel* angel: what? darwin: watch this

Let’s stop this movement where we’re trying to turn everything we eat into a potato chip flavor.

Getting to work first means you get the cleanest toilet of the day

THEM: you don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone ME: uh, you would if you itemized everything you had on a list

I don’t consider myself indecisive I’ll die on this fence

watching Jurassic Park and this guy is pretty tan for a paleontologist

God is Gouda

mentally I’m one of those soft supermarket cookies with the frosting.

she was rare, like a working ice cream machine at McDonald’s

I clap when the plane lands because I’m alive. Then I clap again when my luggage arrives. Then I clap when I find my car. I’m very supportive.

I'm just relaxing and drawing. You know, chillustrating.

Dance like everyone is watching and throwing coupons at you.

[missed connection] You were at the shoe store trying on strappy black high heels. I was kneeling on a pair of shoes making it look like I had short stumpy legs yelling "Look at me! I'm Dorf!" before security tackled me into the clearance rack.

I get it, washing machine I, too, lie about how much time I need to finish getting ready

K-POP Nazi Hunters

Your yogurt to granola ratio is seriously damaging this relationship

gonna eat my weight in pizza and then complain about my weight