Male pattern kindness

10:28 p.m. (slips casserole into oven)

Well *my* grandfather served in the sneeze guard, god bless him.

while i have your attention

Allow me to play devil’s avocado

I’m ‘living a lie’* *sleeping a lot

Have you ever ended up hating a fellow shopper just because you encounter them in every aisle? Grocery store entanglement is a bitch.

@posts.by.emilyk.art illustrated me again!

I had a dream where I was eating a giant marshmallow and I woke up and the giant marshmallow I sleep on was still there dreams are a lie.

INVENTOR OF THE LIBRARY: hey check this out

Eating pills for dinner, pharm to table.

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

I thought he was wearing a little Saturday night fever suit 😹😭

Big League Chewbacca

not a first responder, not a second responder, but a secret third responder

[speed date] me: how do you do date: do what ? me: RING THE BELL RING THE FUCKEN BELL RING THE B

MC ESCHER [last will and testament]: I leave myself this pen, with which I’ll write my will.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐖𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐞𝐝. 𝐖𝐞 𝐈𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐁𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐖𝐞 𝐅𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝.

My episode of Jeopardy: Me: “I’d like to buy a vowel!” Alex: “Sir, this is a Wendy’s” Me: *sadly* “what is ‘a frosty’.”

COW: ME: *milk mustache* I can explain. SOY: We’ve heard enough

oh you like sums? name all 41 of them

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

It’s not just a baggage claim. It’s a baggage FACT.

BILL [narcissist]: I got an idea for a board.

LASSIE [text message]: *not we’ll, well

Took this pic last week and it seems perfect for today. The states turned a new leaf y'all.

I labeled my lunch in the fridge with someone else’s name so when I eat it I’m the office ‘bad boy’. 😎 But now everyone thinks my name is Susan. 😎?

muppetized movie posters: thread

“HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!”

the only photo I'd ever put on a dating app

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix mugger: no i mean- me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital

Realizing I only forwarded that email to 9 people in 2007 and am most definitely cursed.

Sexiest Man Alive: tired. predictable. limited inventory. Sexiest Man Dead: edgy. avant garde. many dead men to choose from.

the chestburster scene but with muppets: thread

don't forget to let your phones & digital clocks automatically set themselves back an hour tonight

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they don’t binge on Halloween candy until they’re ready to puke

ME: I’d argue these portobellos are ‘magic’ too when sautéed in butter. UNDERCOVER COP: The deal is off. UNDERCOVER GORDON RAMSAY: Keep talking.

Remember remember the something November

just got scared. would not recommend

The word is a vampire.

DOG [halloween]: Treat

LOGGING ON

It's called trunk or treat, T. It's where a bunch of kids take candy outta the back of cars or some shit. We just gotta make sure the body ain't in the fucking Cadillac before sundown.

happy halloween i am ready to confuse some trick-or-treaters

the fourth musketeer, who had a drinking problem: ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR THE ROAD

[halloween] PATIENT: You know what? Trick. ONCOLOGIST:

If she could, my daughter would "literally freeze to death" just to show me I should not have corrected her wording.

Gonna be throwing candy off my 3rd floor balcony like a benevolent emperor

(avengers voice) i'm assembling a team

Going as Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka and staying in bed all day tomorrow.