"Oh, beehive!" — Austin Powers, speaking to a bunch of insects that are stinging him

TRUMP: “I can’t believe ABC Fake News gave Jimmy Kimmel his job back” ME: “News? Does Trump believe that Jimmy Kimmel is a journalist?”

What’s the opposite of click bait?

Bees can give me hives. Also, hives can give me bees. (This is a hive-ku.)

For sale: baby shoes, never worn, because I bought them before I knew what style of shoes my baby would be into and my baby who wasn't super into my taste (because I'm no longer a baby and am thus out of touch with the shoes babies love now) got their own shoes so these ones are up for grabs now.

Correcting typos is doing the lard's work.

In the grand scheme of the universe, posting on social media is basically the same as not posting on social media.

Kimmel’s back! Now do Colbert!

Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 5786!

The Beatles WERE bigger than Jesus, by volume. (Either meaning of volume. They took up more space AND were louder.)

You tell me what era of SNL you like best and I'll tell you how old you are! Which is a thing you already know. And also I might get it wrong.

Eyes are the windows to the soul. Windows are the windows to the sill. I am a window to the silly.

"The grand total comes to..." "1,000!" "Why do you say that?" "A grand is $1,000. So that would be a grand total."

"Based on your recent activity, we thought you might be interested in buying a beard trimmer" — an email I got from Amazon "But my recent activity WAS BUYING A BEARD TRIMMER. Do you think I'm a guy who now just loves buying beard trimmers?" — me, totally defeating Amazon in a meaningful way

‪“Everyone’s so sensitive today!”‬ ‪“So you're saying that YOU are sensitive because you are part of everyone?”‬ ‪“Hey no fair”‬

If you don’t want to receive only bad publicity, I would recommend behaving more admirably as opposed to shutting down the publishing entities.

What’s going on in areas 1 through 50? THE REAL CONSPIRACY!

I’m a big fan of mini golf and a mini fan of big golf.

Bros before hos, alphabetically. (Chicken before egg, too!)

A straw man argument is pretty good if you're debating a crow.

Sometimes talking about who founded our country sounds like a little kid talking. "Then they founded it!"

Someone once commented on a stand-up video of mine: “Your generation isn’t funny” And it’s exciting because I don’t know if they’re younger or older! Is it “kids today!” or is it “OK boomer!”? We’ll never know! Unless they see this and tell me. PS Imagine if humor skipped a generation!

CUTE JOKE ALERT! If you've ever been to a wild animal university, you might have memories of the hippo campus in your hippocampus. CUTE JOKE OVER!

LIFE HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK: laugh like Popeye does.

NON-COMEDIAN: You do shows every night? Sometimes more than one? Isn’t that a lot? ME: Eight hours of work? Five days a week? Isn’t THAT a lot?

Glad to see that Britain, Australia, and Canada have recognized a Palestinian state! I also recognize it, if it helps.

Out of concern for my soul, someone recently encouraged me to find Jesus and watch Gutfeld.

Hey everyone, did you know that @tuneyards.bsky.social makes really beautiful awesome music?

“Want to save more money? Pay us more money!” — an email I just got

"There comes a time in every young person's life when they need to start learning about chapstick and moisturizer." — the Burt's and the Bees

You know what I enjoy? Shallow-dish pizza!

If corporations are like people, they should die after about 80-something years.

You know who would be good at escaping from a corn maze? Kool-Aid man.

ABOUT TO BLOW THIS WIDE OPEN: When people are spooning, we talk about the big spoon and the little spoon. BUT When spoons themselves are spooning, they are usually both the same size. THE IDEA OF BIG AND LITTLE SPOONS IS AN ILLUSION! SOMETHING ABOUT THE MATRIX!

It’s okay to (if you want to) split infinitives. It’s also okay to end sentences in prepositions, if you want to.

It was the best of grades. It was the worst of grades. My report card was conflicted AF.

Long overdue sequel: The BIG Rascals.

I wrote a piece this week about a Greg Fitzsimmons joke that I love. It also ends up being about a Paul Reiser joke, a Marianne Williamson quote about love, and a story of a Buddhist monk who pulled his own tooth out once. I hope you enjoy!

I don't think it's my place to judge. That place belongs to trolls on the internet.

I just googled the Big Bang theory. The first three results that came up were about the TV show of that name. The fourth result was about how the universe began. In the future, do you think people will wonder “what did the name of that show mean?”

FORTUNE TELLER: I see that you are going to die! ME: Oh no, when and how?!? FORTUNE TELLER: Oh I don't know that, some sort of way eventually I guess?

I'm at that age where I've started saying things like "I'm at that age..."

Every new comedian goes through am-i-rites of passage.

Is it possible that the Incredible Hulk just doesn’t like HIMSELF when he’s angry?

Can’t tell if someone is human or robot? Maybe it's because they are androidgynous.

"You’ve been had!" — someone talking to a baby that was just born (about how life is a trick.)

SOMEONE: “I hate political correctness!” POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: “Iactually prefer to be called ‘compassion’” SOMEONE: “but that makes it harder for me to say that I hate it” COMPASSION: “I understand”

Doesn’t everyone think the lizard people are the bad guys?

So many comedians talk about differences. Not me! I talk about similarities! And that’s what makes me different. (Another quick fun joke from this Conan set, complete with an octopus callback to a joke I posted earlier this week!) #comedy #standupcomedy #funny #jokes #standup

A TV show about adolescent Mozart called Teen Wolfgang.