⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ So friendly & karaoke was a nice touch.

Bad star trek: Ok captain I finished that high-speed cum link you wante... You mean comm-link? Ok, two things... you really need to enunciate more clearly and do NOT put that up to your ear

Making a starter pack but it's just filled with dummy profiles for all the characters from my silly little stories. Look there's Denis!

Nosferatu's first name is Kevin. Kevin Nosferatu.

I mean, I've tried literally nothing. What more do you people want?!

try to keep your circle small; like a Cheerio

That guy at work that I don’t particularly like because he’s a twat: Hasn’t this week gone quickly! Me: I’ve thought it’s Friday for three days, and it’s still only Thursday.

Are there other kinds of nogs or just the egg one

Going to open an Onlyfans account where I open jars with my buttocks

How the Grinch Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

are muppets all one species? or is it, like, lots of species all from the planet muppet? or something else?

* after taking way too long to get the reference Ohhhhhh, I bet she’s gonna live forever!

WERE ALMOST THERE PEOPLE

I would do anything to get rid of this insomnia except follow my insomnia protocol

Turn on PC (wait while multiple "assistants" start) Open browser (delay while security software initialises & updates) Windows forces update Dismiss "restart needed" message Open web page (dismiss cookies dialogue) (reject "continue in app" option) "So why do I need AI?" Tech industry: efficiency!

IDK, being thrown under the bus sounds nice.

Can’t believe it’s Christmas again already. Sorry, I’m just practicing.

when your general apathy turns into seasonal apathy and everyone has already mentally checked out of work for 2025 🎶 it's the most wonderful time of the year 🎶

These power naps no longer hold a charge

daily outing myself for having no life

H-Bomb has one of his festive jumpers on today, so we took him to meet his people up town. I’m not saying he’s the friendliest pup in the world, but he did drag my wife to the end of the road, to say hello to someone he spotted.. 😂

I don’t know man.. Early mornings just seem unreasonable.

Perfect office holiday party: bring your dog, host it at your house, tell absolutely no one.

Let’s do the time warp again. I don’t like this current time.

Tuesday is just another Monday, but reheated

I'm at the "my socks do not match my pajamas" level of giving up

Using sex as a weapon, but it’s a badly repaired Acme slingshot.

Dear friends: I won’t be sending any festivus cards this year, as I’ve decided to spend the money on wine instead. I suggest you do the same. X

Is there a compilation somewhere of Larry the Downing St cat showing absolute disdain for visitors? (preferably with violence).

I’ve been looking at old 1970s recipes and why was it such a creamy decade?

Tried a new church this Sunday, vastly different and relaxed. Priest gospels were one-on-one, and he gave individual glasses of wine. Congregation broke off in small groups, some even watching sports on television. I can see this becoming a ritual.

Loitering in this liminal space between banal and brilliance.

i'm up and around people and it's as tiresome as it sounds

can't post right now I'm still in my reply-guy getup

Strunk and White's "Elements of Shitposting (unabridged)"

At this point, it seems abundantly clear that future-me has not built a time machine.

I ruined your joke, please respond

😬

How's my swords & sandals epic based on the works of Irene Cara? Well... underappreciated.

*artillery rains down around our trench* "Smoke 'em if you got 'em," Sarge growls. "Finally," I exclaim, arranging my cedar chips under a perforated tray of mussels.

I don't like the term Internet micro-celeb, I prefer "bum".

*unsubscribes from your posts*

People who put little antlers on their cars: we aren’t stupid, we can still tell they are cars

"Look at me" she spat, sword tip scraping noisily across the flagstones Guards stopped advancing & looked around uneasily "Tell me what you see" Bodies lay strewn in her wake She glanced back & gave a derisive snort "Oh, hardly the best of me yet" She tapped her watch "I'll make you forget the rest"

I've made a voodoo doll of you so you randomly do the Macarena throughout the day

I start every morning meditating on whether there's any reason I need to be awake for any of this

i retold your joke but added absolutely nothing of value, please respond

well i for one think the ugly christmas sweaters are beautiful

I’ve decided that I’m going to start making myself medals and award statuettes for nonsensical things. My friends and family will randomly surprise me with them, because I’m worth it. Apparently I’m getting a sash for being larger than a standard beaver on Monday.. Nice.