Breaking a take.

🐝

Seems like there are better places to keep proof than in pudding.

Looking for the veins of humanity.

Functional apathy.

“Aarp” groaned the aging pirate.

Looking for the veins of humanity.

Strunk and White's "Elements of Shitposting (unabridged)"

Skeetmining without a canary, like our forefathers did.

Two weeks until the clocks go back. Never liked them anyway.

Blasphemy. Blaspheyou.

72 hour protection for deodorant seems unnecessary outside of trench warfare.

This ⬇️ is the same deal Pres. Biden struck that Trump+Netanyahu sabotaged. Now they are taking credit & hopefully fully implementing. How many Palestinians died in the interim? How extra days were Israelis held hostage? Will @nytimes.com report this part of the story or as usual, only the MAGA angle

Pavarotti looks big but he's actually plural

Skeetmining without a canary, like our forefathers did.

Are you going to keep doing that? *points at your face*

Lowered expectations is the hot new trend.

Give a little, get a little.

I'm eating all the cheese. Soon, there will be no more cheese. If you wanted some, you should have eaten it before I ate all of it. -current world philosophy

Short women lose their temper more quickly because the point they can "have it up to here" is so much lower. And, because men.

You can’t get my age assurance I’m still not sure I believe it myself.

(Duck church) Duck preacher: give us this day our daily bread *duck parishioners start going wild and quacking HALLELUJAH*

"Sure, bread is great. But have you considered burning it?" ~James Toast, 4069 BCE

"No, you can't have a guardian angel. You read the Telegraph. You'll have to make do with a telegraph angel."

When a problem comes along, you must whip it 🎶 Therapist: Well, yeah ok but.. CRACK THAT WHIP 🎶🥳

I have so many different hairstyles - escaped from dungeon, survived a tornado, Disneyland ride style, broke and out of hair brushes etc etc.

I was going to post something serious today, but I know no one would take it serious. Also, never drink beer giving to you by a drunk koala. It leads to a place filled with clowns who sing pop songs while forcing you to eat packaging peanuts.

Maybe the odd nature documentary with penguin humpies etc 😁😂🤣😍

Reverse Cowgirl Mortgage

Blasphemy. Blaspheyou.

A love that is effortless, healing, comfortable, & secure. Because we deserve nothing less

At one point cavemen started drawing 🫘 on cave walls but they were so inaccurate all of the dinosaurs died of cringe.

I appreciate a woman's tummy-bump. When you're kissing southbound from the peaks, it's a warning that you're nearing the juicy gulch.

Doctor: You have a raging case of crabs. Me: I knew it! That’s the last time I ever trust the Gordon’s fisherman!

I'm not trying to be better than you. I mean I am, but I'm not trying

Friend: are you almost ready for our hike? Me: *waiting for my French onion soup to cool so I can fill my Camelback* 10 mins

The look your sock gives you when you turn on the porn.

Hope they call me up as a relief belly-itcher.

heard your fart from across the bar and really dig your vibe

Give a little, get a little.

I really wanted to like your reply skeet and your quote skeet, but I didn't get my dopamine hit first.

I’m reading a book about constipation. It’s hard to push through

I was reading a book about Marijuana, and I got the munchies.

I was reading a book about farts. It stunk.

I was reading a book about cannibalism. Left a funny taste in my mouth.

staying hydrated for the love of peeing

What if I just crash every thread burping and farting

His head is so empty that when he has a brain fart it echos, and I love that about him

My love language is predictive text.