I won't ever fly a United States flag upside down. In the Navy, we fought back. Fire? Fight the ship. Flooding? Fight the ship. Attacks from hostiles? Defend the ship. Never, in all of my days would we ever think about flying the colors upside down. We don't give up. Ever.

If I put enough hot sauce in this blue cheese dressing that expired in August, I think I'll be fine.

Did it hurt? When you ordered Chinese for yourself but they included 3 forks and fortune cookies?

one time i was on the news because they found dead people in the house across the street from me

Nervous reply guys on Bluesky are keyboard worriers.

Our safe word is “meaning.”

it's called a fleshlight because jack-o-lantern was taken

crazy that one of the most storied institutions in american journalism is going to be run by two people with basically no experience to do it

"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't," is the secret to a long marriage.

Replace the word "bro" with "brisket" and see how long it takes people to notice. They'll notice straight away and call you an idiot but it's fun if you like that degrading shit.

day's cottages, north truro, massachusetts, 1984

When I say all billionaires are pussies its because I'm thinking about eating them.

only watching the supermoon for the commercials

it took a lot of hard work and dedication to completely ruin my life

Prolonged orgasm, but it's when I remember that I made extra spaghetti.

Dunno man, seems a little misleading to write an article about Trump describing activity in Portland and Chicago as “insurrection” with a 33 year old photo of a burning donut shop taken in the 1992 LA Riots (sans caption explaining that) as the header on all your posts about it.

Sometimes I hike just to remember who I’m optimizing for.

She said I have “main character energy,” which I’m pretty sure was a diagnosis.

My therapist says I have a “Kafka complex,” which I assume means I keep turning into a bug in conversations about accountability.

Zambroni

Sunday is most certainly not my fun day, I say as I run into my crypt and slam the heavy door behind me.

Breaking down in tears at the McDonald's drive through when the man switched my 2 Mcdoubles to 2 double cheeseburgers because they are buy one get one for $1, and I'm just not used to being loved like this.

The downside of turning into a pumpkin at midnight is having to turn back into a person come the morning.

And then, some of a sudden…

Every time I eat garlic bread I imagine how conflicted of a vampire I would be

clothing: hand wash only me tossing it into the washing machine: may the odds be ever in your favor

Fun Vampire fact: When Tom Cruise ordered his cup of warm blood from Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire he wanted it Lestat or there’s hell to pay. Not a patient sucker.

it remains really funny that this site was spun up to be a crypto/rationalist platform and then old time weird twitter people and others started moving over here in spring 2023 and ever since management has been mad they're successful but not in the way they wanted

I wasn't digging that dream but I cheered it on anyway because you were in it, mix it up I said, the childhood fears and adult worries and you did such a good job that I didn't even mind falling and falling, with half naked half toilet vibes

My retirement plan is hoping my personality becomes a collectible.

“Do you know who I am?” - Kierkegaard , probably

Thinking about how human cloning technology could be used to not only revive famous musical acts, but make them even better. Just imagine Crosby, Crosby, Crosby, Crosby, Stills, Stills, Nash, Young & Young

[giving treats to dog] thank you for not being people

My coping skills are mostly medieval: bread, walks, and pretending I’m a small monastery.

Hakeem Jeffries is the only politician who can read a hostage note and make the kidnappers sound reasonable.

🖤

I don't know about forcing someone to be something they're not just because you don't like what they are

Today, I confront two of the greatest challenges known to mankind: -getting in the shower -getting back out of the shower

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d be doing TikToks where he pretends to be a sexy candle.

*1980s cleaning montage, but it's just me vandalizing the group chat with trash gifs*

Frog and Toad jumped into the water. They swam all afternoon. Frog swam fast and made big splashes. Toad swam slowly and made smaller splashes.

taking off my weighted anxiety blanket and being able to have anxiety twice as strong and fast

I tried to “power through.” The power company said, “you’re not on our grid.”

Depression is a weighted blanket that won’t let you be the spoon.

he died doing what he loved: being first in the clown car

CVS is dead to me.

Playing OG Diablo on an slick old pentium to forget the last 30 years lol Hello my friend, stay a while and listen indeed

My coffee tastes like ambition filtered through HR.