I will never forgive that tweet for suppressing my desire to talk like Sephiroth. I fuckin love talking like Sephiroth. I fuckin love calling people 'impudent.'

my new thing is whenever the dog does a big loud yawn i reply "everyone's saying it!"

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: i said park the car ME: *just barely missing a swingset* I AM

Every “local man” in a news headline is just one wrong thought away from becoming “Florida man.”

These space suits from Star Trek ToS effin rule!

Who up thinking they getting uglier at an alarming rate

the fact that nick fuentes isn’t here but ms rachel is illustrates perfectly that groups like this don’t actually care about antisemitism at all

Homer's punishment Lol, can he survive it

Riveting tv show. Ducks 🦆

Caring about others’ hearts and well being is not a bad thing, it’s a human thing, can we all be more human?

My least favorite Target ad campaign was the one where they accidentally ran Hillary’s 2016 campaign

I love being in my late 30s so much. I love not giving a shit about being famous or successful anymore. I love prioritizing being comfortable, and being around people who love me. Could do without the aching joints and looming perimenopause, but everything else? Golden.

Incompetence will save us from full blown autocracy… probably

When I was a kid, my grandpa caught me out back smoking a brisket, so he made me cater an entire wedding

Strong Floor, No Ceiling is considerably worse than No Rules, Just Right. Can’t believe we’re gonna lose the messaging war to Outback Steakhouse.

imaginary friends were just ghosts stay woke

Woke up feeling motivated, refreshed, and focused. So I went back to sleep until the feeling passed.

They should bring back those oversized TV remotes that get struck by lightning and send you into the TV where you learn important lessons about life.

"Me? well I read about 17 wiki-pages about minesweepers when I fell asleep last night. Woke up to an article on tramp steamers that had been torpedoed in WW2. You?"

[I turn on the TV and every channel is showing me being burned in effigy] This can't be good

The only battle Stephen Miller has ever seen is against direct sunlight.

A cartoon by Charlie Hankin. #NewYorkerCartoons See more from this week’s issue: https://newyorkermag.visitlink.me/WM55fQ

Watching some Captain Planet and this show is still perfect

heavy is the pinky that holds the phone

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

mementos mori means always remember the freshmaker

Ray, for your information, the interest rate alone for the first five years comes to $95,000.

Every group text eventually becomes two people talking and eight witnesses.

jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake

what i lack in experience, i make up for in a treasure chest full of wigs

I got an elliptical a few months ago and the annual cholesterol test confirmed my worst fears: exercise really does work

Oh my goodness, I completely forgot that the infamous phone hotline joke in Rocko's Modern Life was from THE VERY FIRST EPISODE OF THE SERIES.

Why do they keep making new music when the best stuff all came out when I was a teen?

they’re taking all the sport out of holiday shopping

[recipe] “let rice krispie treats sit for an hour before eating” me, with a handful of gooey rice krispie treat melting in my grip: “no”

Can’t stop thinking about the word ‘besmirched.’

People say money cant buy happiness, which is true. But it can buy a miniature canoe. Not helpful, just…interesting

You’re a “spreader of joy?” Blocked.

Look, all I'm saying is that eventually even the best rubber bands break. So don't blame her if you're the one always stretching it. Now drink up,man, and take a breath of humility... before the cats comes home

Making buttons featuring all your pfps and pinning them on my clothes and jingle jangling all over town. Better than a skircle, that's my skuit.

In Dallas, the Texas BBQ will get you before Father Time does. Be careful out there

Morning.

[observing someone’s obsessive passion project] wow i really like whatever’s wrong with that guy

advice on whom you should or should not trust. can it be a pet? trust it’s it human? don’t