Heathcliff’s revenge plan involves marrying people he hates, which is also my health insurance company’s business model.

A superhero whose power is always knowing which grocery store line will move fastest but only after they’ve already picked one.

A participation ribbon made of smaller participation ribbons.

Bernie Sanders suggesting they filibuster by reading out the complete Epstein files is some next level agent of chaotic good shit

A pickup artist’s funeral where everyone practices negging the corpse.

The trolley problem but I’m the one tied to the tracks and the conductor is me from six months ago who made all the wrong decisions.

A vision quest but I brought earbuds and listened to a podcast the whole time.

The Sword in the Stone but Arthur pulled it out and found a note saying “See Manager.”

I had a bite of a special oatmeal cookie a while ago and it took me a full minute to figure out to pull up my pants without getting my panties all wadded up just now.

My college sanctioned me when I wrote a column in the student newspaper on BDSM but I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

they literally trapped a mini brain in hell

My comfort zone is so small it violates several zoning ordinances.

A phoenix rises from the ashes, sees the housing market, returns to ashes.

A murder mystery dinner where the victim faked his death to get out of the dinner.

My love language is leaving before it gets weird, but it always gets weird, and I’m always still there.

Every yogurt says “Best By” a future date, assuming we’ll be here worrying about dairy freshness and not water wars. Honestly, I respect it.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

I used to think I was bad at everything, but then I got really good at admitting I was bad at everything. Now I’m working on being bad at admitting I’m bad at everything. Full circle, baby. We’re healing!

Mercury is in retrograde which explains why I’ve been a mess for the past eleven consecutive years.

Wuthering Heights is a love story the same way a house fire is a housewarming.

A escape room but it’s just my lease.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

My horoscope today: "Don't."

Storage units are where we put the things we bought to fill the void. The void is still there. But now it has furniture.

Read a book called Atomic Habits. Now I have atomic habits. I cannot stop. The habits are destroying me. They are very small and very powerful.

Who wore it better?

Benefits with friends

ME: oh, you just let everyone touch you, don’t you? some of us have standards, you know GRASS:

Every 45 seconds, someone who is me checks if the refrigerator has developed new food since the last time.

If I were “rich”, I’d be considered “eccentric” and not a “dirtbag” who uses “air quotes”

“Not everything has to be transactional,” I explain to my golden retriever

Just saw a “No Standing” sign and I’ve been lying on the sidewalk for four hours.

I consider myself a man of many ambition.

Sometimes I add “per my last email” to prayers.

I enjoy parties conceptually.

Logging into the website to confront my enemies but it’s just my bank account again.

can you imagine the first fucker to ever eat crackers and cheese

It’s so windy today a Kansas farmhouse just fell on my mother-in-law.

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings

Her: Where were you last night Me: The Dow is over 50,000 Her: Do I smell bourbon Me: Iran is about to be bombed Her: Is that lipstick on your collar Me: Aliens are real!

you guys would be hella surprised how inarticulate I am in person

One notification per customer please

Fight Club aged like fine wine if the wine was made of regret and IKEA furniture. I still quote it, but now it’s mostly about how I can’t afford the furniture anymore.

I love preparing for the next day in theory. In practice I prefer raw panic.

Wait, THIS is young Anton Chekhov? This? Good lord. Let that gun go off, daddy

Elon Musk will sit for a deposition regarding DOGE’s gutting of USAID. Multiple reports estimate that his dismantling of the foreign aid agency directly contributed to thousands of deaths around the world. And that’s just one piece of damage DOGE left behind. Watch.

American Psycho predicted LinkedIn.

I think "woke" was at least partly identified with "irritating" and the way we're rectifying that in Woke 2 is by being scary instead