Mashup bands Twenty One Pilots + Matchbox Twenty = Sum 41

In old novels, people will meet an elderly stranger and ask why he's traveling alone in the countryside, and he'll say, "Well, my story begins on the eve of my third birthday..." I can't even get people to listen to a whole limerick. "Yeah, yeah, he was a man from Nantucket. Get to the point!"

If your partner tattoos your name on their arm, that's your arm now. If you break up, take it with you to your new apartment. Put it on the shelf next to those stupid Funko Pops he bought you.

People complain about Adam Sandler making crap movies, but you know what's worse? Every few years, he makes one amazing film, just to remind us that he could make art instead of garbage but he just chooses not to.

"You look like a pin-up" means something completely different when you collect bugs.

My friend said I should try a resistance workout. I don’t think I need to. I’m already great at resisting working out.

Do me a solid. Cry me a liquid. Call me a gas.

This is a great read! Check it out!

In this portal fantasy story, a modern teen is mistaken for a knight. A masked doctor insists the "knight" must save the kingdom from an invincible clockwork dragon. Featuring weird monsters, centaur highwaymen, a zombie horse, and other oddities! amazon.com/dp/B0D3X1W8K8

The Calendar Mess #vss365 #illusory

There should be goalies in other sports. Like fishing. You’re trying to reel in a bass and some guy jumps out of the water and slaps it away.

If you need a favor, just say "I need a favor". Asking me to "do you a solid" sounds like you want a stool sample.

Spicy sci-fi novels get nominated for Huge O Awards.

Every time someone buys one of my books, I give Roscoe a treat.

My wife has been encouraging me to take better care of my health, so I had salad for dinner yesterday (taco salad), I didn’t have a doughnut this morning (doughnut shop was closed), and now I’m going for a run (went looking for old doughnuts and now I’m being chased by dumpster raccoons).

Americans: We can barely afford groceries and gas! Politicians: This new bill will defend democracy by forcing Burger King to change its name to Hamburger President!

"Life is just so short," Susan said. "One day I'll be gone. I'm afraid I'll just be forgotten." Mr. Henderson smiled. "I could name my new invention after you." Susan's face brightened. "Really, sir? You would do that for me? What is it?" "A revolving tray for kitchen tables." #vss365 #revolve

Accidentally made crunchy pork chops for dinner. I was trying to make regular pork chops but I dropped a couple on the floor.

One flute against the king... Available today!

“Ghosts and fairies are real?” Bobby asked. “Incredible! But if they can turn invisible, how can we find them?” Doctor Benson handed him a small bottle. “This potion makes invisible beings glow.” Bobby took a sip. “What’s it called?” “Luminous Supernatural Detection, or LSD.” “…Oh.” #vss

Love when I post like the sixth comment in a thread and someone shares it without any of the context that made it funny. So instead of a joke, it looks like random nonsense. “But if that’s Chewbacca, who got hair in the pudding?”

Audio book DJ at the library is playing a Farewell to Arms / Old Man and the Sea mashup. I think I’m the only one still awake.

👽🛸

“Every harvest,” Sam said, “farmers paddle their boats through the orchards, smacking tomatoes from the trees with their oars. Their trusty scarecrows keep watch for any approaching fruit pirates.” Jenny huffed. “How #fascinating. Dad, if you don’t know how they make ketchup, just say so!” #vss365

This guy's mustache has crossed the line from "hipster" to "I might tie you to some railroad tracks".

Bad news, you guys. Looks like E.T. has been drinking again.

“Our love made that.” I say to my husband, looking at our cat.

Tech bros: AI is getting smarter all the time! Amazon: Hey, you bought a trash can yesterday! You probably want more for your collection, right? Here are our top fifty recommendations for garbage-loving weirdos like you!

I used to think the cat was stupid for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I'd probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

The economy is so bad, it’s even hurting mythical creatures. Thanks to inflation, centaurs are now quartaurs.

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

The Audacity series follows speed-junkie rocket racer May and her life partner Xan, good-natured alien with a horrific secret, across the universe (and outside it) as they try to avoid that indefatigable force of nature, Chaos itself. Get all 4 novels (with audiobooks!) at CarmenLoup.com

My wife and I started watching the Netflix dinosaur documentary, but we kept thinking it would be more interesting if the dinosaurs tried to eat the film crew, so we decided to rewatch Jurassic Park instead.

A witch took an office job, but couldn’t get along with her coworkers. Whenever someone tried to bring paperwork to her desk, she would summon a storm to blow them away. The manager fired her faster than he’d ever fired anyone before. Out of all the office temps, she was the #tempest. #vss365

I spent last summer with the AC off so I could record these audiobooks without background wooshing! But now there are 3 entire audiobooks complete and the fourth on the way! www.carmenloup.com

I just watched Blade Runner, Sling Blade, and Blade, and I have to say, this trilogy makes no sense.

🕯️🥀🍂 SHORT HORROR STORY 🍂🥀🕯️ One night, Jace finds a runaway in his barn. A boy with a horrifying story. ❌ no romance 🕸️ gothic-horror 📔 26 pages 🔖 universal link: mybook.to/b4aB7L 💌 itch.io link: rebecca-crunden.itch.io/someone-else... 📖 goodreads: www.goodreads.com/book/show/12... [ #booksky ]

*pop*

Scientists: Generative AI use drains your cognitive functions. Generative AI companies: We want a future where everyone has to rent intelligence from us. Your coworkers: It'll save me ten seconds googling Excel formulas? Yeah okay whatevs. Suck me dry, Tech Daddy.

I like when the engineers describe machinery malfunctions with sound effects instead of words. “It’s supposed to whirrrrrr but instead it’s going uuuuuughhhh clunk-clunk.” Hmm, have you tried ahooga? Perhaps boing boing zoop would help?

Mannequin 3 pitch: A cop solves a robbery with the help of the only witness: a store mannequin that magically came to life. At the end, it’s revealed that he imagined everything after stealing drugs from the evidence room. He’s just been dragging around a regular mannequin, giggling to himself.

Coworker: What's "expectorant" do? Me: It makes you expect things. Coworker: I knew you'd give me a joke answer. Me: See? It works!

Reading the news every morning:

As the ad began, a man in a gray three-piece suit walked onscreen. “Are you #frustrated with politicians who just don’t care? I run my own soup kitchen. I even burn mortgage paperwork to get folks out of debt. This election, support someone who cares. Vote Icepick Jimmy... Or else.” #vss365

Wife: I would wear heels more often if you wore sexy shoes, too. Me: What do you mean? These are my sexy shoes. *Velcro ripping*

Rewards program? Thank you, but I consider the opportunity to dine at Burger King reward enough.

Struggling with writer's block? Here's a creativity chainsaw! Explore this collection of story ideas, and mix and match to create something entirely your own. #writingcommunity #writesky dnschmidt.com/writing-prom...

Grandma has a phobia about being buried alive, so she asked us to begin her funeral by poking her with a stick to make sure she’s dead. But she also asked to be cremated, so we can probably just skip it.

Thank you so much for reading, and for the review! Much appreciated!

When you’re having a cookout on the beach, never keep your sunscreen next to the ketchup. I got them mixed up and boy was my face red.