“Felt awkward the other day and it made me think of you.”

Would you still love me if I was a worm-infested, reanimated corpse. Half decomposed, half forgotten, mushrooms growing from my chest. Deer horns with crepuscular flowers adorned around my head. Living in the darkest corners of your mind.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas Just like the ones I used to know Before climate collapsed, and the next war elapsed Extinct reindeer would ride through the snow

Merry Christmas from Lenny and Carl! 🎄🐈‍⬛🐈

I never know what to get my husband for Christmas. What do you get someone who already has everything (i.e. me)?

For Christmas this year I only want practical essentials such as clothes, groceries, voodoo dolls of my enemies, bath products, etc.

I can’t bear to listen to lengthy sales pitches. It’s my Achille’s spiel.

My brain: here are all the lyrics to a song in a language you don’t even understand. Me: thanks but I need the name of the guy who just introduced himself. Brain: Brain: …is…is his name Duhast?

One step forward two steps back three steps sideways four steps diagonally five steps in two parallel lines six steps converging in the distance seven steps forward again. This concludes our dancing lesson.

When cars let me pass I try to cross really fast so they think I’m a good pedestrian.

If you don’t know what to give someone for Christmas, you can always give them the heebie-jeebies.

eyes don’t know how to hide love

Do you guys dare me to drink a whole carton of eggnog? I feel like you guys dare me.

Inside you are two hungry hungry hippos. One always wants salty snacks. One always wants sweet. They both lost their marbles.

They are not a toy. They are not a Christmas gift. They are an eternal commitment. Think before gifting someone an eldritch horror.

All I want for Christmas are the Epstein files

I'm 👨🏻⚪️🎄, I'm 👨🏻❄️. I'm 👨🏻🥶; I'm 👨🏻🔟⬇️ Friends 📞 me ❄️ Miser, whatever I 👉, turns to ❄️ in my 🤜. I'm too much. I'm 👨🏻🟢🎄, I'm 👨🏻🌞 . I'm 👨🏻🔥🥵, I'm Mister 1️⃣0️⃣1️⃣. They 📞 me 🔥 Miser, whatever I 👉, starts to 🫠 in my 🤜. I'm too much.

It's that giving time of year again, so this is a reminder that no matter how they try to dress it up, the Salvation Army is not a charity.

Oh the weather outside is frightful But the fire is also frightful Everything is frightful I have anxiety

When you’re Christmas gift shopping and fighting the urge to buy for yourself.

I was raised on these streets

Photographer: Alright, let’s do a silly one! Body At Crime Scene: …

Work hard. Despair Hard.

When they ask you how life is going.

Getting all my vaccines and boosters so I can continue to safely never leave the house or see anyone.

Ancient Rome. Sculptor takes 3 weeks to make a statue of me. Me: delete it.

You can just say “friend.” “For the end of the world” is implied.

We had 69. The new generation only has 67. Shrinkflation is no joke.

Stop wasting people’s time, job postings with no salary information.

I feel like all my mental health issues would be solved if I could just spend a few minutes in nature every day and also get a million dollars.

did you get the dream I sent you

If you’re wondering how good my handwriting is someone online once saw it and diagnosed me with a disease which makes it painful to hold a pen.

Remember, hard work is far more scared of you than you are of it.

Super hungry and ordering Chinese food. There’s about to be some wonton destruction.

Made missing posters of all our house guests for the Halloween party this year.

Feels like no matter how much daylight we save, the darkness still persists.

I’m a simple gal; I like my houses haunted, my books cursed, and my bargains Faustian.

Went as Queen of de-Nile for Halloween this year.

Happy Halloween from Jornathan and I. 💀

The best self care tip is to go for a walk. All the way to the nearest bookstore.