It's true what they say, laughter is the cheapest medicine.

Grimace: hi, my name is Grimace everyone at AA: hi Grimace

Enjoying Pluribus because it tackles that far-fetched sci-fi concept 'What if everybody else has it together and I am a useless feral ghoul?'

i bought a pack of 20 xmas cards & i have 18 left who wants a card ?

Ethan Hawke opens up about his passion for interviews.

Can’t my so called “friends” just let me enjoy being catfished?

Email from landlord riddled with typos. “premisis” “dammage” “mesh lab”

sometimes you just have to hold your cat up in front of a mirror and say “dats u” to remind them that they’re real

Spidey sense is telling me my date couldn’t care less about the MCU.

Girlfriend and I are at stage in relationship where we’re able to just sit and share a seething silence.

not to self diagnose, but I think I’m fucking cooked

I’m thinking of a word to describe Ludacris trying to sell me auto repair insurance.

they invented a new type of santa for new year’s eve. and you HAVE to kiss him

forming a coalition to stop hammer time

Off-camera, Paddington’s marmalade habit a lot less adorable.

It wasn’t long before the “yo mama” jokes began to touch on the personal.

Hamlet:…where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment— Horatio: Put the skull down, bro.

Nice effort. Concerted?

I didn’t start the blame game, you did.

My car always seems a little overconfident after an oil change

At one point I was spending more than a 1000 dollars a week on drugs. It was then I knew I had to find a better dealer.

*watching the coffee pot fill up* That’s right. Piss for daddy, you robot whore.

Therapist suggested I needed to work on my anger. He backed down pretty quick. Smart move, doc.

With my staggering 91% survival rate, you’d be a fool to hire another dog sitter.

I was super smug that I managed to get someone on the chess app to resign, until I looked at their username again and saw that it was “AubreyIs16”

Please don’t forget that Christmas Day can be a difficult time for many people. For instance, I’m a bit bored

He’s making a list And he’s checking it twice While he’s having a smoke And she’s taking a drag

ADAM: it’s christmas eve EVE: what’s christmas

Some use the term “enabling.” I call it being a chill friend.

“Air Bud” reboot but he’s a boxer this time.

naming a dog “Champ” will jinx them into being dumb as fuck

By getting my wife these cheap combs for Christmas I saved enough to buy a new watch fob!

Mysterious shopkeeper assured me my boy will “scream with delight” and “open a vortex of evil” when he sees his new doll.

It takes a big man to admit that he was wrong when he stole christmas

In my day, a charcuterie board was a sleeve of saltines on a cable spool table

Tell me, officer, what's the euphemism for a BRIBE around here?

With your brains, and my gift for exploiting people with brains, there's no telling what's in this for me!

Wishing won't make it so. You must make a plan to win the Powerball.

Tell me without telling me you need CPR.

I can cross “swimming with various lake fish” off the bucket list.

Relatable look on Leo’s face here

My favorite Triscuit variety? Why not ask me to name my favorite child?

*taking family photo at daughter’s graduation* Random stranger: Would you like for me to— Me: Sure! Go on in get yourself in there!

Eating competitions are barbaric. That is no way to enjoy 60 hot dogs.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

Was feeling spontaneous, so I made a list of things to do next Tuesday.

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

INVENTOR OF THE WASHING MACHINE: it’s a machine that washes INVENTOR OF THE DISHWASHER: washes what

[picture of newborn baby] What would you name this Chonky?

I'm here in what I was falsely informed was the Criterion Closet.