My girlfriend and her crime podcasts and mysterious trips to Home Depot.

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

The Just for Men must be working. Got carded buying beer for some kids!

Due to a near death experience/afterlife mix up, I can attest: Doggy Heaven is real.

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

sometimes i mix up know & now like im doing right know i now i now

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

There’s actually a lot of people on Bluesky who have moderate political beliefs that do fine because they’ve discovered a hidden trick where they don’t start every post with “listen up Fuckos”

With the Mayan apocalypse, I wasn’t 100% convinced so I didn’t go all in. This time? This time is different.

You’ve fallen out of love with me? That sounds like a you problem.

After 12 years of working as a caterer at weddings, I’ve learned one thing: people love mini quiches.

As a police informant, it’s important I stay cool. And when the heat turns up, I know there’s nothing more refreshing than a Brisk iced tea.

I'm not saying I'm dumb but nobody ever tells me "that's a great question"

[holding out can of whoop-ass] can you open this for me

Seriously man I just- I- I fucking KNEW you didn't have my nose

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

Former astronaut spills the Tang on NASA.

I can’t help but feel totally responsible for the keying of your car.

Bugs Bunny was my introduction to opera. Can’t say I’ve kept up with it much since.

*approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.

thanks to time zones it’s already Halloween in Australia

Sorry i'm late i was walking through the park and reminiscing you see

Before you swipe right on anyone, you need to swipe right on yourself first bro.

Dance like everyone is watching and throwing coupons at you.

I asked myself, “what would Jesus do?” and the answer came right away: heal the blind man.

AI therapist also wants me to “cut to the chase.”

“Work wife” not sure she ever work loved me. I’m a work mess.

But enough about me, officer. Have you been partying a little bit tonight?

[showing a picture of a man with nice hair to my barber] I want you to kill this fucker

Crazy to think how primitive prayer tech was before prayer apps.

You know how it’s always freezing in the exam room at the doctor’s office? I was in one today. It was warm and, I gotta say, warm is way worse.

Spice up a lunch date by passing a note, “I'm wearing a wire.”

*whispers* I'm not stuck in traffic with them, they're stuck in traffic 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑚𝑒

My inspirational bumper stickers led the cops straight to me.

I don’t often listen to Pink Floyd, but when I do, it’s usually because my fucking neighbor is.

Got fired from my job for saying that Samantha on Bewitched didn’t really wiggle her nose, she was just kind of twitching her mouth back and forth.

whether you actually HAVE crabs or just THINK you have crabs, the itch is the same. in this TED talk, i will

prince harry finally met with king charles ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

Minor league baseball mascot gets the call he's been waiting for: there's an opening at his brother's insurance firm.

Haha, you’re funny. Where do you live? What’s your address?

Just because I was catfished again doesn't mean I plan to stop trusting hot online strangers. God, no.

Samuel Beckett: Okay, these two guys are waiting for their friend… Producer: Go on… Samuel Beckett: Dude never shows. *dollar signs appear in producer's eyes where his pupils used to be*

Interviewer, People Magazine but for Food: Tell us about the Asiago Bacon Ranch. Wendy Thomas: It is so delicious that most of the earth's surface will be dedicated to making it. Interviewer: Incredible. Wendy: Humanity will build a space station to harness sandwich rays from the sun to make more.

Day 4 in the Criterion Closet. I am so thirsty. “A History of Violence” is Cronenberg at his peak. Please send someone. “Double Indemnity” is transcendent. HELP! “Moonstruck.” Water.

If a white person asks you to go antiquing, there is no higher show of respect in their culture

My dog’s vet thinks I should see someone about my constant nosebleeds. Stay in your lane, Dana.

Get a pet, it will enrich your life, they said My dog at 4:30 AM, 6:00 AM and 6:30 AM: Yo, wake up, it's enrichment time!

A Futurama marathon? This honeymoon just keeps getting better!

Calling one dog whisperer THE dog whisperer is like spitting in the face of the tens of thousands of us who make our living as dog whisperers. Worth remembering.

I never understood alchemy until my best friend’s mom fried some baloney in 1976 and it tasted exactly like a hot dog