My girlfriend is so sweet! She asked if I wanted a MEDAL just for emptying the dishwasher!

i thought it was just some guy named duncan donuts

i feel like Edgar Allen Poe wouldn’t seem so spooky if his name was Allen Edgar Poe

jabbagool

Vampire claiming “we should hang out sometime” counts as invitation into my home.

Friends’ pep talk proven misguided.

Me and my time machine are back. Pretty sure I killed baby Hitler. Ha! That name means nothing to you.

“Knight Rider” but with a boat, and the boat doesn’t talk.

She told me I had to choose: her or roller skating. I’ll miss her weird ultimatums.

Like a majestic shark, my Hyundai must constantly move forward or it dies.

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

Well at least I'm not broken enough to post parables on linkedin

Your Joke is Factually Incorrect: A Guide to Dying Alone

What you have here is an exquisite specimen of a leaf blower.—New Stuff Roadshow host

According to my swimsuit calendar, it’s Nana’s heavenly birthday.

Yoga is Simon Says for white women

Drinking Miller lite out of a wine glass who gives a shit anymore

*quietly beatboxing while the judge delivers my sentence

The dental hygienist cleans my teeth to the sounds of the unbelievably old songs of my youth.

Go go gadget get-out-of-my-way

Every scar tells a story. I call this one, The Tale of The Loose Porch Step.

Based on my Mister Rogers experience, never meet your heroes and accidentally spill a daiquiri on them.

No gal’s been able to lasso this old bachelor yet. I’d like to see them try! I would like that so much. Even just once.

You’re lucky my chick’s here, pal. She hates seeing me get my ass kicked.

my dog on the daycare webcam

Perks of a loveless marriage #6: no date night expenses.

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

She said she was leaving me for someone less toxically positive. Everything happens for a reason!

If the sandwich didn't explode when it hit, you must acquit.

When I finally learned how to forgive myself my career as an arsonist really took off.

Well, now that I’ve avoided directly answering if I’m wearing a wire, let’s turn the subject to active crimes.

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

I've taken today off work to enjoy my life for a few hours

Coworker: are you eating another candy bar? Me: for your information the first one was a granola bar Coworker: and this one? Me: well this one's a candy bar

Bank robber lightens mood by wearing fun Ronald Reagan mask.

Everyone lies on their online dating profile. So what if I'm not into hiking or having a big family some day?

Last night I had the option to hand out candy or turn off all the lights and hoard. I stand by my decision.

Chillingly accurate fortune cookie said I am modest and courteous.

Speaks poorly of Doc he could never cure Sneezy.

TL;DR 50,000 in garbage bag by gazebo at midnight, no cops, grandma returned

Nice reply "owning" me, unfortunately you parsed 2 levels of irony but missed completely the third, wherein it's clear I'm making fun of the persona your reply intended to critique. That being said I'm still hurt to an almost unimaginable degree

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

sorry but nothing can be worth $5 trillion, we don't live in a cartoon

ME: So you see dead people? GHOST THERAPIST: Those with insurance, yes.

There are few things more beautifully poignant than an old bald man with whisps of white hair and the nickname Rusty.

Growing up a circus clown, probably the most hurtful stereotype was the car thing.

“Love” has always been a difficult word for me. Also, “quinoa.”

Coincidentally, my papa John also makes atrocious pizza.

We all just want to chill in our respective enclosures at affordable rates