i went looking for old tweets in my camera roll and got distracted by this

ah, I remember the april fools of my youth. gathering around the trickmas tree, unwrapping our goofs. singing songs about the patron saint of pranks, Ashton Kutcher

Happy #TransDayofVisibility 🏳️‍⚧️ Fellow cis people, do share your trans friends' art, their $$$ links, be a vocal ally BUT If you can do so yourself, give materially. "I shared a post, I'm helping, somebody else will give." Maybe, but other people will think the same. Give something, anything.

Can't sleep so I'm awake for early morning Trans Day of Visibility. Cis Folks confirm I am Visible to you by sending money to the links below. Much Obliged.

in 2016 a group of strangers in Kazakhstan saved a dog from drowning by forming a human chain to reach him. they just unveiled a statue commemorating the event and I'm genuinely about to start sobbing

sleep paralysis demon Scott Stapp: hold me nowwww 🎶 I'm six feet from your bed

Daily bunny no.3265's folks are away

you're gonna hear two hits pal, me hitting the bong and my shin hitting the corner of the coffee table. and then you can expect to hear me say God Fucking Damn It really big one time followed by a whole bunch of smaller Jesus Fucking Christs. then i'll probably kinda zone out for a while. tough guy

if you time it just right, you can jump off a train onto your horse

lmao the eurovision mascot is so ugly I literally screamed at this reveal

Inception-themed XXX porn parody where everyone is sucking and fucking in slow motion zero gravity but then the top level is just my brain releasing a last rush of endorphins after I drove my car into a brick wall

(spock raising an eyebrow) but captain, blowjobs are… highly illogical

i need to take proper photos of this but i sculpted this guy and got matt to print him for me over a year ago and i finally painted him!! #art #3Dmodel 🪶

not right now, funk soul brother

I guess people need to be told: The purpose of the military is to kill people. Whatever the recruiter told you, "protecting your country," for example, they actually mean killing people. And when they say things like, "you can get money for college," you can append "by killing people" to that.

many don’t know that the phrase “have a good one” is referring to a hot dog

sweet dreams, now with no added sugar

Most accurate portrait of modern culture currently available

Twerkers at the barbeque get priority parking 🫡

Daily bunny no.3251 needs a minute

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me

there's so much bad in the world but there's also people who lift up and carry an elderly bat around every day so he can pretend he's flying again, and that's the part of the world I think is worth fighting for

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat] …bunk coffins [my wife doing stacked hands motion] like…double decker

so then we meet Boromir, who is Aragorn's Wario

his palms are sweaty-o's knees weak, arms are heavy-o's there's vomit on his sweater already-o's

“my husband wants me to dress more like tila tequila” girl, the monsters are loose. you are going to die

A minor league hockey team had a wiener dog race. Zero thoughts, just vibes and absolute chaos. A thing of beauty

here's a collection of blueprints for houses which feels really potentially useful for games archive.org/search?query...

WERNER HERZOG: cast into the wilderness by an uncaring mother, the child must choose a companion, a beast of unnatural capabilities through which to channel his will. they will not rest until every gymnasium lies in ruin. ASH: where's professor oak HERZOG: this lizard is on fire

Ash: did I catch 'em all? doctor: *reading test results* sadly, yes

Ash: where's Pikachu Misty: I can't wait to try this new fusion restaurant Brock: I'm so hungry I could eat a Ponyta! both: *laughing* Ash: guys waiter: here's your pikka masala Ash: no

me: any animal's a Pokemon if you can shove it in a ball and make it figh- petting zoo security guard: *scoop tackles me*

why would you wake up and choose violence when you could wake up and

do you care about trans people? cool! cancel your new york times subscription! oh, but you just play the games? thats the worst argument you could've made! go fuck yourself!

Fred Flintstone hitting a pothole in his car and snapping his leg in half

me: *half-listening* here's your rubber duck son: *screaming as I dump the babadook into the bathtub*

life finishes flashing before my eyes while in a hot air balloon crash but theres still 17 minutes until impact

lying serenely in my death bed, at peace, ready. surrounded by my loved ones. telling them that if I find proof of a life beyond this one, I'll send a message back to my body to shit itself

me on deathbed: a squatty potty but for pissing my kids: you sit down on it? me: *shakes my head no before dying*

It’s finally over

Hm, can't find it, wonder if they deleted the thread. I saw someone post about using chatgpt to suggest whether they, themselves, should get a DNR, and *then* have it offer the exact opposite output by basically just going "nuh uh"

To the gentle gamers of Bluesky. I need your help with a very unique and specific question. What are you favorite videogame transitions/doors ex: the elevator in cyberpunk, the metro the checkpoint before dogtown The vault door in fallout etc.

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

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