the most embarrassing thing autocorrect has done to me is to make it look like I think Fred Flintstone's name is Greg Flintstone

There's no backwards compatibility anymore

myhammy has just shot down the moon after it entered its airspace without permission

be the reason software requires a license

they should have sent a poet www.spacejam.com/1996/

every time you walk up the stairs alone at night, a little boy without a face chases after you on all fours. you just can't see him unless someone's told you he exists. ah, sorry about that

Santa yanking anal beads out of Mrs Claus but it's just a popcorn garland

he hasn't had "the talk" with the elves yet, so one of them thought he was starting a Mrs Claus-shaped lawn mower

if I'm eating a bowl of popcorn at home, and I'm not sharing it with anyone, you better god damn believe I'm picking up every piece with my tongue like a chameleon

denethor is a dickhead but hes right that gandalf is acting like the cia doing regime change

can you believe that 9/11 is as long ago today as World War 2 was on 9/11??

when the Backstreet Boys asked "am I original?" they were referring to KFC original recipe fried chicken but when they then asked "am I sexual?" you guessed it, also KFC original recipe fried chicken

don’t want to get spit roasted at the orgy so they’re all calling me the rotisserie chicken

this is so insane

seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

doctor who slides into the room like Kramer and holds for applause before telling you your dad didn't make it through surgery

hi "willing to send out one hostage", I'm dad

every time you walk up the stairs alone at night, a little boy without a face chases after you on all fours. you just can't see him unless someone's told you he exists. ah, sorry about that

dudes rock

me: you dim sum, you lose some waiter (in chinese to other waiter): poison this man

standing on a highway overpass, chewing an entire 1-pound bag of black licorice jellybeans into a solid brick before dispensing it, pez-style, into traffic

(learning 1 thank you is more powerful than 1000 sorrys): thank you for having a son i backed over in my suv

me: this is my rucksack. I keep all my ruck in it cop: *hand on holster* what does that mean? tell me what the fuck that means character actor Alan Ruck: *muffled* I was in Speed me: that's right, you were in Speed, I always forget that

Wonderful

I Have a Mouth and I Must Eat the Chocolate Chips I Dropped on the Kitchen Floor

Martin the Warrior: I've called for aid from Salamandastron badger: hey what up Martin: Jesus fuckin Christ you're the size of a house

imagine going to a "slumber party" and they try to put on a movie or break out the board games buddy, I came here to slumber. you turn the lights out or I'm knocking YOUR lights out

imagine going to a "slumber party" and they try to put on a movie or break out the board games buddy, I came here to slumber. you turn the lights out or I'm knocking YOUR lights out

if someone does the sign of the cross and you do it back to them but add another move at the end, you both have to alternate adding one thing, and the first person to mess up goes to hell

if someone does the sign of the cross and you do it back to them but add another move at the end, you both have to alternate adding one thing, and the first person to mess up goes to hell

I always think Shaq is older than he is, and I can't tell if that's because he's been famous for so long, or because he's the size the average person would be if they kept growing for 70 years.

lying serenely in my death bed, at peace, ready. surrounded by my loved ones. telling them that if I find proof of a life beyond this one, I'll send a message back to my body to shit itself

Foul odors wafted from deep within the cave. Death and decay. A hunched figure emerged, shuffling on uneven legs. "I am Uncle Kracker," he hissed. True to his name, his bones cracked audibly as he extended one withered hand, beckoning to me. "Follow me. Everything is alright." And so I did.

Fun Fact: Rush Hour is the reason Rotten Tomatoes exists

This might be the best video ever

me: *half-listening* here's your rubber duck son: *screaming as I dump the babadook into the bathtub*

it's true

Santori Games announces Richard Kind Brave Paralogue Exvius: Second Impact, a new tactics JRPG from Ogre Temple creator Ryûsei Kento

Daily bunny no.3339 is locked out

Daily bunny no.3338 is a nature photographer

when you know you’re about to see some dope shit

Saw this on FB. If you’ve ever enjoyed Aqua Teen, please help if you can. Someone who’s such an integral part of one of Adult Swim’s most beloved shows deserves much better than this.