me: getting late, I'll head bedward before long Edward Furlong: *peering out of bedroom* huh? me: oh sorry, I'm just ready for bed Ed Begley Jr: *peering out of other bedroom* did you say Begley for Ed me: as a second punchline, that isn't any better Eddie Vedder: *falling through ceiling*

Eddie Vedder busting through shit plaster and kissing a coffee table at 30mph is why Yellow Ledbetter sounds Like That

call us old fashioned but, if you've built a machine that makes child porn, we really don't care if can do anything else. unplug the machine.

hey what happened to charloh?

Santa told us that people that don’t add alt text are getting coal in their stocking this year.

capybara making a delicious curry

since neither @presidentblue.bsky.social nor i are headin home for the holidays, we thought wed host another christmas eve stream tomorrow for anyone else with nothing to do! if you cant be with your family for the holiday, you’re now invited to be ours 🌲✨💫

Jesus: I give this crucifixion two thumbs down lmao Jesus: *screaming as he tries to rotate his thumbs down*

I had a dream last night that they revealed a 5th ninja turtle and it was Jesus Christ.

"little lord jesus"?? there's no way he was a landowner at that age

Scrooge: I'm not afraid of ghosts [a 20-foot-long insect scuttles through the door, buzzing loudly] Scrooge: oh jesus, oh fuck, it's the humbug

Insane that Chevy Chase spends the whole movie wishing he could cheat on this woman she should kill him

The Bridge Over Jamiroquai

me and my crab saw you from across the bucket and were hoping we could pull you down

they didn't need AI to make Silksong, it just needed some deeply insane guys to have a blank check for living expenses until their next thing was done, I think we should try doing more of that instead

Some people learn Blender so they can make video games or 3d movies and some people learn it so they can design a low-poly head for a disco ball bear skin rug #art 🧶 #3dprinting

Santa: you're on the naughty list this year stripper: haha cute Santa: *tries to slip a lump of coal into her g-string* stripper: no

me: forgive me the sin of imbuing in you the gift of life, when so soon I must steal it back the gingerbread man crawling out of my easy bake oven: eeba jeeba? me: yeah it'll probably hurt real bad

Scrooge: *from the 60th floor* you there, boy, what day is this? Tiny Tim: why it's 9/11 sir

Santa: damn girl, those titties shaking like two bowls full of jelly Mrs. Claus: I don't want you watching HBO anymore

he hasn't had "the talk" with the elves yet, so one of them thought he was starting a Mrs Claus-shaped lawn mower

"We must join with him, Gandalf. We must join with Krampus."

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

who's got four thumbs and a cloning device? this guy

turn-based rock, paper, scissors

dont spit on the ground, the dirt in your yard is slowly developing a taste for humans. thats how sink holes happen.

they call it an "edible" because when I take one, that's what every object in my line of sight becomes

Daily bunny no.3176 catching the sun

[after learning all water on earth is just recycled through the eons] me: one glass of dinosaur piss waitress: we just call it water here, sugar me: you know what it is though waitress: I know what it is

So reindeer (Rangifer tarandus) can't fly, but they are VERY MAGICAL. For example, their EYES CHANGE COLOR during the year & they're one of the few large mammals that can see UV. Golden brown in summer, deep blue in winter. Let's talk about the unique visual adaptations of Rudolph and company.

cremate me, teriyaki style

Political cartoons are for hacks. Oh look, it's Santa's naughty list but all of the names are redacted. How topical. How impish. Do a picture of me kissing Monica Bellucci you dumb idiot. Yeah that's it. But draw my muscles even bigger. Bigger.

a hot nurse walks by and steam starts coming out of my ears. the doctor takes my temperature, 212°F. I'm dead in a matter of seconds

what a terrible night for a curse (literacy)

if democrats think trans people's lives are worth sacrificing then i don't think they get to whine about losing their votes too

there's no rule in the book that says Air Bud can't kill Tim Allen and become the new Santa

Ash: where's Pikachu Misty: I can't wait to try this new fusion restaurant Brock: I'm so hungry I could eat a Ponyta! both: *laughing* Ash: guys waiter: here's your pikka masala Ash: no

hi my dame is what, my dame is who, my dame is chika chika dench judy

Wearing sunglasses around the house “to break them in”

happy birthday @dly.bsky.social

⠀ Mountains crumble into the seabeds, long since dried and devoid of life. Nothing green remains in what were once dense jungles. ⠀ Daniel Craig crawls out from the smoldering ruins of 30 Rockefeller Plaza. He shrugs at no one. ⠀ "Ladies and gentlemen. The bleak end."

Japan (1900 miles long) should be renamed Long Island but then what would we call Long Island (118 miles long)? simple. it should be sunk into the sea

Odysseus: the sea was dark as wine. the sun, tequila gold. the wind, as clear as peppermint schnapps Achilles: hey man, we're all worried about you

this is just how Superman sees people. either you can fly at the speed of sound or you have the cognitive development of a caveman

[I turn on the TV and every channel is showing me being burned in effigy] This can't be good