living in America right now

welcome back to Was That the Staircase or My Ankles That Made That Noise. today's contestants are competing for 2 ibuprofen and a half hour in the comfy chair

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

you can just make pizza croissants, it's legal, they can't do a damn thing about it

Jack: have you seen my magic beans? me: *wiping my mouth* magic? Jack: oh no me: oh no [my ribcage knocks a pigeon out of the sky at 40mph]

Magic erasers are just Mr. Clean's teeth. He grows them back like a shark, and he's much bigger than you think.

Japan (1900 miles long) should be renamed Long Island but then what would we call Long Island (118 miles long)? simple. it should be sunk into the sea

sensing the clit in infrared via my snakelike pit organ

why would I ever want to skip the Harvey Birdman opening theme

I bought some sesame seeds from a witch and three days after I planted them, a half-formed Big Bird clawed his way out of the ground and ate a kid

me: can we try reverse cowgirl her: *turning herself inside out despite everything we know about Euclidean geometry* howdy partner, let me see that di- where are you going

"Well slap my ass and call me Sally," I say, cowboyly. "Someone done ate all the magic dynamite from the quarry over yonder." "Wait, magic?" says Sally, my normal horse who cannot speak, before stepping too close to an open flame.

when I'm two seconds into naming all the presidents and a horse kicks me in the head

if you time it just right, you can jump off a train onto your horse

woke up as a skeleton and so obviously first thing i do is try playing my ribcage xylophonewise right? bad idea, i hit one rib and instantly pass out from the pain. don't even know what sound it made. life as a skeleton sucks. i gotta pee and i don't understand what to do about it

INT. BAR - SATURDAY, 9:00PM The regular crowd shuffles in. There's an old man near the piano, fucking a gin and tonic.

Cheech us a Chong you're the piano man

your honor, didn't I give you a swirlie in 9th grade? Freaky Freddie Four-Eyes became a judge, no shit. you still look like if Harry Potter drowned haha just playin'. hey, water under the bridge, right? are you crying

knocking down every spider web so I can mow the lawn in peace

they should let Mickey smoke weed in Kingdom Hearts

they should let Mickey smoke weed in Kingdom Hearts

knocking down every spider web so I can mow the lawn in peace

if you are a musician and you hold the mic out for the crowd sing more than 3x, we are owed a refund. karaoke night is down the street, buddy.

wife said I shouldn't use the highest setting on the bidet, and I laughed so hard water came out my nose

ok first of all, i do not "lack object permanence." it's called "Buddhism for remembering stuff." second (you walk behind a large tree) where did you

me: maybe they'll greenlight your romcom if you change the name Willem Dafoe: *ignoring me and holding his fingers up in a rectangle like he's picturing a billboard on Hollywood Blvd* Willem They, Won'tem They

Bruce willis, bruce wontis

You already know what it is www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPwG...

how come horror movie aliens are always nude. you discovered interstellar travel before pants? grow up

more like Charlie Jirk

Me: nothing will ever hit my eye The moon:

tim justinberlake

Jimothy: hey Tim Tames: hey Jim

Willy Wonka has a candy coated computer with a tongue-activated screen and you do not want to walk in on him writing an email

Gen Z Hamlet: she suffer on my slings and arrows until I outrageous fortune Horatio: shut the fuck up, Gen Z Hamlet

Lex Luthor: behold, the last son of krypton, brought low by the science of man Superman: *stumbling around with a lead bag over his head* help

michaeltar the last fassbender

the elves in LOTR don't have bidets, but sometimes they go down to the river and have Arwen magick some water horses up their asses

they got reversible jackets, why not reversible friends sick of your buddy Noel? just turn him inside out and give Leon a try

Bro lol Disney and Hulu are DESPERATE desperate. New offer of $2.99 a month to try and get you not to cancel. It’s working.

(Steve Irwin has Slenderman in a headlock) Irwin: Oi, we got a rambunctious fella here! What a beautiful specimen *ties Slenderman's shadowy tentacles in a knot, loops it around his business suit jacket* Irwin: Easy there big boy, we'll get you back to your creepy forest

some roads aren’t meant to be traveled alone

the judge said i did such a good job representing myself in court that they're going to send me to gifted prison