It’s weird that Yanks go to work like normal today. Little freaks.

Got peat coming out my pores today.

A true working class Christmas tree is green plastic with multicoloured lights.

On Christmas Eve I like to walk around the old neighbourhood and look at all the places I used to build dens in as a wean.

Irish people always return home for Christmas and give it “I’m so sad I had to leave. I wish I could live here!” and it’s like… you could… I do… you just prefer Tim Tams or maple syrup or Big Ben.

I watch a John Wick film these days and all I can think of is the logistics of the lighting rigs and catering involved in these large operations.

Merry Christmas ya filthy cunt

Too many people wearing pyjamas in supermarkets and too many bright car headlights. That is my suburb observations.

Watching my first episode of Eastenders in about 15 years and it looks like everyone has melted.

Thought about a half hearted attempt at reviving the old webcomic to have Santa blacked out on the Epstein files and/or ICE agents breaking his jaw on a roof, but I just couldnae be arsed.

An avalanche of centrist Driving Home for Christmas memes are about to hit British internet.

I’m a man at Christmas. Time to enjoy asbestos whisky stones, gun oil for beards, and a mug that says sawdust is my glitter.

Solstice baby! Get fucking back here, sunshine.

Scottish mothers love to say “the man” and I have been this omnipresent figure many times today.

You don’t go full cover-up you idiots.

Oh no I’m James Caan in Elf. I work in the Empire State Building and my big money job is reviewing one children’s book.

Excited to announce our Agentic AI Ghosts of Christmas model rolls out on December 24!

Scotland needs to just cut off the gangrene bits on the edge.

I love that tweet from nearly a decade ago that’s like “how’s Trump going to wriggle his way out of this one!”

Sunset at 3:40pm… no wonder Scottish people are “biologically unable to experience true joy” according to my foreign wife.

Lad I worked with this year fled the corporate game and now owns the socialist cafe where Kneecap and wee Greta hang out. So fucking jealous it’s unreal.

Dreich is a perfect Scots word. Refined over many harsh seasons. Spat out with gleeful disgust at the oppressive weather.

EVERYONE STOP WORKING. LETS ALL AGREE TO PRETEND UNTIL 5TH JAN.

Hi, I'm the CEO of Glorbo, the company who enjoys near unprecedented goodwill in our field, I'm here today to talk to you about our pivot to using the Magic 8-Ball powered by children's bones that everybody hates, I've given myself psychosis listening to the 8-ball aaaaeeeeeiiiiooouuuu

Where in the 12 days of Christmas is there a line about you sending me 4 bastarding meeting invites?

Heard my wee 2 year old niece was good at football, but I just kicked her arse at the soft play. Disappointing.

I forgot how fucking dark and cold it is in Scotland.

I am not interested in influencing anyone thanks

Absolutely love it when the foreign lads call me “my friend” or “my brother” like I’m Indiana Jones.

Just because the airport Burger King sells Guinness doesn’t mean you need to buy one. Come on now.

Did you see that mass shooting? “Which one?”

Hey hope you did enough during the 4 hours of overcast daylight today before you retire back into your bunker.

Too much Dubai chocolate

Dublin pubs should give frequent drinkers like me a seat or standing token whilst all the Christmas journeymen can fuck off to the corner. Nae loyalty in this town.

Physically bumped into comedian Jim Jefferies on the streets of Dublin earlier. I had €1k in cash on me on my way to the bank and an extortionate €5 artisan matcha cookie in my hand so I was very on edge and ready to fight the cunt before recognising him.

Never went to the work Christmas party. They don’t deserve my premium festive patter this year.

I love the World Cup, but FIFA are corrupt bastards. UEFA (slightly less corrupt) should leave and have the Euros every two years with South American invites.

Best job I ever had was at a supermarket in Glasgow. Nobody met me on my first shift, so I left after eating free biscuits for an hour. I never went back, but they ended up paying me for 2 weeks of work.

The internet is so shite now. It used to be such a laugh.

Kill Jester

I’ve been told to use AI at work. (4 max? Fucking lightweight…)

Salary: Competitive These jobs always want you to be ultra-specific during the interview whilst the ones with a salary are more chill.

There’s a bird here that chirps at 1-6am on a December night and it tricks my brain into thinking it is an early summer morning. What’s going on…

Winter is great if you enjoy darkness and misery.

Big fear I end up on an Instagram reel telling a story that starts well, but goes nowhere and it gets like 74 likes despite 650k views.

They’re not that outrageous

A 48 team World Cup and Scotland gets drawn against two top 10 teams 👍

Infantino you bastard cunt

Give this a 👍 if you want the to see the EPSTEIN FILES

My Spotify wrapped was fucking cool as shit and better than yours. Thanks.