Think I'm done here.

slim shady < large trustworthy

You can't listen to the music of an different generation with the ears of that generation. The music your parents love might help you understand your parents. The music you love might help you understand yourself. The music your children love is fucking awful! How can that even be called music???

I’m trying to re-home a poodle that barks A LOT. If anyone’s interested I’ll hop over my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

Monday's child is full of woe. Tuesday's child is full of woe. Wednesday's child is full of woe. You get the idea. They're all full of woe. Look around you. Is it any wonder?

The little-known Duit model from Audi is very popular with magicians.

reverse cowgirl, so we can solve this Scooby -Doo mystery together

Separating the art from the artist has a long history of being difficult. It took half a dozen Swiss Guard to get Michaelangelo to stop humping his statue of David.

Apiarists have beautiful eyes.

If I owned an agricultural vehicle, I would never say headlights, I would always go with tractor beams.

Unbelievable things in dramas #2 "Can I borrow your phone?" Then they ring someone. Because they have memorised their number. As. If.

Listen, man, everyone in possession of a cock, whether they're gay, straight, or bi, has to support people who love cock. Because who's going to touch yours otherwise? Don't make fun of people for liking dick.

If you can't separate the art from the artist, what can you separate from the artist? (Please let it be limbs)

I wondered lonely in a crowd...

I hereby dedicate my newly invented new three dimensional object to FLOTUS. I call it a hodecadedron. It has as many faces as it needs to have. None of them look happy.

2020

Maybe it’s the kombucha talking, Priscilla, but that embroidered coif you’re wearing really brings out the predestination in thine eyes

Because of my age and my gym schedule, I thought it would be prudent to investigate how to make my joints stronger. After extensive research, the concensus would seem to be: more cannabis.

I think he’s mature enough now that we can call him Ryan Goose

When I comment on something, and someone jumps in with "Don't be so quick to judge!" I find myself thinking "You're very quick to judge those who are quick to judge."

Hypothesis: foot fetishists spend more than average joes and jills on OnlyFans performers. The high proportion of performers thrusting their soles towards the camera reflects higher spend rather than foot fetishism being way more common than you'd expect* it to be.

Cookie Monster voice: Coming out of me cage and me been doing just fine

not refilling the drink area at work so i can tell my boss that this is the last straw🥤

*walks up to microphone at funeral*: Say what you will about Chuck Norris... *steps down off dais, and returns to seat*

RICKY MARTIN: she's into superstitions, black cats and voodoo dolls ME: [staring at my Guess Who board] ok, I'm going to explain the rules one more time...

I wanted my choice of vehicle to reflect my appreciation of irony, but alas, there is no such thing as a Morris Alanisette.

love me against your better judgment so i know its real

Something uplifting to balance my rant. Buying an Eid-al-Fitr gift for a friend who celebrates tomorrow. His father died during Ramadan this year. In a supermarket, I approached a hijab-wearing fellow shopper for tips. Her eyes lit up. She had great ideas, and she looked so happy to be asked.

Saturday rant 🧵 Gym equipment manufacturers - what the actual fuck?

the ex-bartender in me hates the st patrick day in you

Charli Xi-cc-plus survived inside the Large Hadron Collider??? I don't know much about CERN but I understand that everything they do is smashing.

Which of the universe's mysteries shall I ponder today? Quantum gravity? What initiated the Big Bang? How Jared Leto ever gets cast in anything?

Tiramisu implies the existence of Tiramisooty and Tiramisweep.

I don't understand how my follower count is going up, but the trend for the number of likes is going down. I think I should take the hint and just stop posting.

In the hopes that the Shatsuma will swiftly follow Naziyahu into hell... To the tune of Lady Gaga's "Just dance" We've had a little bit too much Of paedofiles in charge and such The twisting Epstein dance, distracting us with Iran So end it please, or I might moan

I have a grudging respect for those whose use of the semicolon is irrefutably half-arsed.

Tried to get sweaty with the cross trainer at the gym today. Maybe if I hadn't tried that he wouldn't have been cross.

Uber driver: “Do you mind if I put some music on?” Me: “Not at all.” Uber driver: “Kiss okay?” Me: “Let’s listen to a little music first and then see how we feel.”

Love how some letters are rare. The little thrill of spotting an X or a Z trying to camouflage themselves among the normal letters. What are you doing you spooky little cryptid, get back to the maths problems where you belong.

I've been trying to reach you unsuccessfully for days with a great new suggestion for your drag name: Miss Coll

His misplaced apostrophes could not be any more gross. Though any one of them could be grocer.

If we've met, and I can't remember your name, there are two reasons: 1. I'm better with faces. 2. I probably didn't sit on your name.

Villains value loyalty. Good people want you to tell them if they've done wrong, not defend their wrongdoing. Villains know they will do wrong, but want you to ignore your own moral compass and stand by them. They call this loyalty. If you give it to them, you are complicit in their villainy.

Coughing outside is just a public display of infection.

It's limiting to write a piece of music that avoids using the fourth note of the scale. But antifa insisted.

I'll be honest, there’s at least one mean bone in my body.

I'm a professional level magician in my spare time. In the last few months, I've made great strides at the gym, and still gaining muscle, and I'm now in the best shape of my life. Now I wait. Someone, some time will eventually make it all worthwhile when they start calling me Dumbbelldore.

It would be nice if people remembered this piece of wisdom from the greatest economics tweet in history (and the one I am most insanely jealous of not having written, especially because it was a reply to me).

"Have you eaten here before? Well, just so you know, we do small plates." "Perfect. Your chef got carried away inventing starters, but nobody complained because starters are the best bit anyway."