It seems entirely appropriate to me that Anne Widdecombe lived in a place called Haytor, because she definitely was one.

Finally made a decision. Cinderella (me) will go to the ball (Full Fetish, the big event of London Fetish Week). I don't need a fairy godmother, just the leather boots, chaps, and chest harness I brought with me.

What if there were no hypothetical questions

Freshly shorn. He did a terrific job with the tache. I feel like I look younger than my years (couple of months shy of 56).

This delighted me at work yesterday. Everything in the bi-office should be sticky and ready to flip.

I'll never forgive those who turned me on to smoking for leading me ashtray.

Prince Harry should train as a barber, and open his own barber shop. He could call it Harry Styles.

never count your chickens before they hatch. make them earn their title of nobility

"If you block me, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Apparently if you call it a "lingam massage" it's suddenly a spiritual journey rather than a hand job.

Have cancer researchers considered preventing births between the June 21 and July 22?

"You do you" is a polite way to tell someone to have a wank, and by extension, a polite way to call someone a wanker.

Stories involving the presidents of the US and FIFA confuse me a bit because "Infantino" could mean either of them.

On further reflection, the friends we made along the way sucked too.

Boomers began formally denying responsibility in 1989 with Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"

If you trap your balls in a vacuum cleaner hose then those are now Dyson spheres.

Journal entry, 6 July 2026: The vampire infestation worsens. They are no larger than a grain of rice, yet feast upon us nightly. We hear their infernal humming moments before the bite. It has rained again. I fear the puddles are breeding fresh horrors. God has abandoned this place.

Proof that heaven touches earth. The Scottish Highlands. Scotland is truly God’s own country. 🌅💚 Check my calendars: weescotland.com #moody #highlands #photography #visitscotland #lovescotland #beautiful #scotland #landscape #beautiful #sunset #glencoe

Sticking overly large dildos into your bum can cost you internal damage. Beware fissure price toys.

how dare you accuse me of knowing nothing about video games I am a lifelong wintendo fan

I just watched The Sheep Detectives and burst into tears at the end, probably because recent therapy sessions made me identify strongly with the winter lamb. winter lamb = ugly duckling

Someone is stalking me. Every morning I wake up and I have stockings on. No idea whence they came.

Ok, Madonna, I've listened to Confessions II, and downloaded it on Qobuz,I've watched Madonna + Graham. Now for the love of Gawed, can you please stop stalking me on Grindr.

It is amusing to me that you can take the word ‘Cunt’, the most egregious, offensive, actionable, volatile word to use in an invective, stick the word ‘daft’ in front of it and you’ve reduced it to the level of ‘Dawww…(scroofles hair)’ a bit silly. Like a Fluorine atom captured by a Calcium ion.

Recent scientific papers highlight an increasingly strong relationship between dental plaques and plaques in the brain linked to Alzheimer's. Between dental plaques and mental plaques, if you will. We could start removing plaques from buildings as well, just in case.

There once was a man from Nantucket, but I never met him so I can’t really tell you any more than that.

so it turns out I had a psychological horror novel in me. it's out now. I'm still processing that.

hipster panhandler: I beg to differ

You could all stand to be more phallic

the Louvre is actually where they keep all the famous Lous. Reed, Diamond Phillips, -is Vuitton. they actually won't let Bega in, though, unless he goes in through the service door. sad situation!

I performed magic today in a castle overlooking Loch Lomond. The weather was bad, but everything else was amazing, and I don't think I've ever had more fun at a gig. What a delightful group of guests!

Does Demi Moore introduce her husband as her other half?

Excuse me - I know you like to be a fun guy and all, but that's not *your* celium.

Me: Do you have a semillon? Sommelier: No, sir, it's just the way these trousers sit.

You know when you bump into an old friend and they tell you they've "had work done" and you feel a sense of relief because you'd been gearing up to ask about the fire they'd been in...

Me: *sends a friend a funny message* Them: LOL Me: Did you, though?

Just got back from seeing my physio. The clinic is right next to a vet, and both places look very similar. I almost went to the wrong place. Might have ended up being dewormed rather than having my shoulder fixed. (For the avoidance of doubt, I don't have worms, as far as I am aware.)

daughter: daddy, did you want to have kids when you were little? me: no, I wanted to wait until I was big wife: you know you can just not say things, right

Happy days. My first single, Dizzy, is now - finally - available on my music steamer of choice: Qobuz. play.qobuz.com/artist/3335633

Had to take my grandson to the baby changing area but they refused to swap him for a nicer one as I didn't have the receipt..

Potluck is finding a fat joint in your jacket pocket.

My doctor accidentally gave me a semicolonoscopy and now I can’t even put two complete thoughts together

If I wish it hard enough, the lead developer of Adobe Acrobat will be a guy called Jim Nast.

Content or discontent - this place has it all

Rudimentary accommodation can take a toll on the body. My hips don't lie about my shack era.

The most boring drag queen ever: Clara Form Leaves audiences .... unconscious

I spend an enormous amount of time on here muttering "what the fuck does that even mean?"