On the way to Silversands Beach is the church of Saint Fillan. I'd not heard of them, but assume they are the patron saint of sandwiches.

During dinner in a great Thai restaurant on Saturday, I was showing my cousin and his girlfriend some magic. The maître d' seemed enthusiastic and started describing an effect he'd seen. When he got to the climax of the description, I had in my hands the same object he was describing.

forgot i put mustard on my shopping list and it made a huge mess in my pocket

After spending time in a Russian prison, it takes much longer to reach orgasm. That's the goo lag for you.

A goosebump is the amount of cocaine a goose needs for a pickup.

Scotland this afternoon. Silver Sands Beach, Aberdour. Or not so dour, as it turned out.

Sid James' least popular film was Carrion: Eating Roadkill.

Gay massage guide Erotic massage - you don't have to ask for a happy ending, you just get one Deep tissue massage - the therapist pushes some of of his tissue in deep Sport massage - if you want a happy ending, you have to glance down at it and say, "Could you be a sport?"

Your expense claim may include a fixed amount for each day you drove on company time. Please note, this is not an exhortation to seize the day, it is merely the car per diem.

"Why should we hire you to be our ventriloquist?" "Well, my resume speaks for itself."

A tiger can't change its spots.

Steady now, you're opening a whole can of pandoras worms.

let’s nip it in the butt

I'm going clubbing on Saturday. Haven't been clubbing for a long, long time. I miss dancing on a regular basis. Anyway, tomorrow night I'm going to DILF in Glasgow. It's their 11th birthday, and since starting they've opened nights all over the UK and Europe.

i started a company that sold anesthetics but it went under

¿Que quieres decir? ¡Soy un top blanco!

incel, short for involuntary celibate, is a misnomer, being a dickhead is very much so voluntary

Little Miss Muffett Sat on a tuffet I say tuffet This was in the days before shaving one's genitals became commonplace. You do the math(s).

What the fuck, Duolingo? Sending me a notification at 00:36???? @duolingoverde.bsky.social

Miss Muffett's diary, 18th of May 1587: Tried to sit on a tuffett. A spider kept getting in the whey.

A promise is a lie that happens in the future.

I made a thing. Not gonna lie, I'm very proud of it. I'm so full of myself right now I wonder if I'm a Russian babooshka doll. It should be on all the music streaming platforms within a few days, but in the meantime, it's on SoundCloud in all its glory, with notes. soundcloud.com/thebeardidla...

I sometimes perform magic (for free) in an Indian/Pakistani restaurant near me. I'm having dinner there now, and I really struggle not to intrude on other diners and tell them to try the paratha. The paratha here is SO GOOD! And Scots should love it - it's like a tattie scone shagged a croissant.

If you meet Shania Twain socially, save yourself a lot of effort: don't even try to make an impression.

I'm pointedly not watching Eurovision, but it's not giving me a sense of accomplishment.

"get a load of that guy" --person buying mannequins

Slow cooked chicken and butter bean stew in a spicy garlic tomato sauce for lunch. I don't think I've cooked with butter beans before, but I like them very much. Big and plump and creamy. Now I'm going to see what @nigella.bsky.social says about them. Bet she has lots of suitable recipes.

A neck romancer gives hickies to corpses.

He’s a fire eater and he absolutely loves it. Like a mouth to a flame.

My life crisis is so mid

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one...

Teacher: How many letters in the alphabet? Bono: With or without u? Teacher: Get out.

If the radio in this cafe is to be believed, Bono STILL hasn't found whatever it is he's looking for. Can someone please give the poor fellow tips on how to use a search engine?

I use a password manager, so it pisses me off a lot when web sites and apps insist on emailing a code to me rather than let me log is using my username and password. However, @bookingcom.bsky.social take this to another level. They insist on emailing a code EVEN THOUGH I USE AN AUTHENTICATOR APP!!!

Sorry, Claire Voyant. You aren't speaking to my dead sister. She hated playing hangman, so this guess a letter game you're playing? Not her thing.

They're filming a mythical action adventure right next door to my local Argos. It's Adjacent To The Argonauts.

I met Miya Music tonight at my friend Shona's. Her voice is amazing. vm.tiktok.com/ZNRGQ2XUM/

Although I've performed many times as a drag queen, I've never been good at make-up, and my eyesight now makes it even more challenging. But sometimes all it takes is a reframing to make it all okay. Henceforth I'll just refer to my style of make-up application as "Texas Chainsaw Mascara".

You look like someone that'd bring a potato to an eye exam.

Roses are red And yellow And pink And white And black And blue. Buck up your ideas, violets.

I had to kill a spider in the shower this morning. Normally I just let them be, but he was taking forever and using all the hot water.

Wes Streeting - whom I think of as Tubby Mandelson because he has similar energy but isn't as svelte - would be a disaster for Labour. I really hope those trying to crowbar him into Number 10 realise the calamity they risk.

Doing standup in a pub once, I ditched half my usual set and made jokes about the chalkboard on the wall with the menu on it. Next to where it said "Today's special" was a blank space, so one of my ad libbed lines was "That's the problem with today's world. Nothing is special any more."

A polar opposite is just an opposite covered in white fur.

My Spanish friend never charges for sex with women or men. He's bi Juan get Juan free

Hey, I just met you And this is crazy But here's my number So call me for this unbeatable offer This offer is not available in the shops. And if you call in the next ten minutes, we'll throw in the lux Egyptian cotton bath towel set. That's an extra $200 worth of value, whatever that means.