maybe she’s burn with it maybe it’s gasoline

Great name for a dermatologist: Lancelot Boyle

Hey boy, I’ma need you to get over here and put the “oral” in clitORAL.

anyone who reposts this skeet gets a piece of my body to display on their mantle AFTER I die

I'm back home in Scotland after a couple of weeks away, and what a privilege to come home to this...

Donald Trump gets through a lot of boos for a teetotaller.

sitting on my thumbs until they go numb so it feels like someone else is reposting my skeets

what if the ghost you are talking to with your ouija board cant say yes in french or german what then

To acknowledge the fine that has been imposed on Kim Davis for refusing to do the job she was paid by taxpayers to do, I thought I'd share the lyrics of a parody song I wrote and performed at the time. Based on Meghan Trainer's "Dear Future Husband"...

With the Supreme Court failing to eliminate gay marriage (at least for now), Kim Davis can finally return to her favorite pastime: keeping birds and low flying planes from crashing into her massive forehead.

My XTRA STICK™️ pans are not selling as well as I had hoped.

Eugh. People.

I love going to the seaside. I'm always beach body ready but sadly I never find one.

No matter how James Bond returns, I think all of the other James Bonds should appear as holographic looking ghosts who nod sagely at everything he does.

well would you look at that, you managed to find my last nerve

There’s absolutely no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time

Today is Remembrance day, I think about the soldiers who fought in the mud and the cold. Then I think about how I complained this morning because my coffee was only warm. My problems are so embarrassingly small.

I think that song “All the Small Things” was written about the dick pics I’ve received.

I find it hard to wrap my imagination around the towering levels of arrogant self-assurance it takes to declaim bullshit like "nobody actually knows how magnets work", when such declamations obviously rely on one premise and one conclusion: I don't know X Therefore noone could possibly know X

Don’t make me per my last email you

i didnt drop it like its hot i dropped it because im clumsy

I practice safe sex by only listening to the cranberries when I fuck to prevent UTIs

X-rated rewrites. ABBA: One of us One of us is crying, one of us is lying In a lonely bed Staring at his peehole Wishing you were down there giving head

Everyone’s gangster until they hear their own voice on a recording.

Oh you thought I didn't have more? There are at least 1k hilarious accts on this app and I know all their middle names, okay?

I’m not a fuckboy. I’m a flirtation sensation.

I've made a model of Everest that you can actually climb. It was built to scale.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I have to tell others how easy this is

SPEECH THERAPIST: okay let’s start with the alphabet SCOOBY DOO: ray ree ree ree ree ref ree SPEECH THERAPIST: *into intercom* cancel all my appointments

I'm not sure if it's all the days of Canarian sun I've just had, or simply age, but my hair seems suddenly to be much more thoroughly grey than I've ever before noticed. * hand starts moving towards the Just For Men *

Ghislaine Maxwell is the only woman Trump has ever satisfied.

I sometimes wake up with ideas pouring out of me. This morning had two. One was a joke that I posted on here, and is enjoying a remarkably warm reception. The other is a song inspired by a friend's book. I finished reading a beta release this week. Sent him v1 and chorus a capella. He likes.

I have another Schrödinger joke ready to go, but I might hold off a while.

I used to have a terrible phobia that I was being followed by a clown but now I can look back and laugh.

"ENTER PASSWORD" *types 'snowflake'* "RE-ENTER PASSWORD" *types 'snowflake'* "ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL".

I'll hold your hair back so you don't get any apocalypse on it.

Schrödinger: Excuse me, miss, can I borrow that box for a science experiment? Pandora: Sure, be my guest.

schrödinger’s pussy

Tired: Mrs Claus aka Mary Christmas Wired: Sleigh Queen

"We need a loud band or DJ so everyone can experience what it's like to be hearing impaired while trying to engage in conversation." - event organizers

My body is a machine that turns cringe memories into high functioning alcoholism

Does anyone actually maintain their book, as featured in the phrase "that's a <something> in my book"? I've long assumed it's just an expression but it wouldn't surprise me to learn y'all actually do have these things, and make little squirrelly notes in them for future use. You'd tell me, right?

I think i may smile today. Gross!

@posts.by.emilyk.art illustrated me again!

[inventor of the bungee jump] no, you go first.

This life crisis is mid

INVENTOR OF THE LIBRARY: hey check this out

a rising tide lifts all boats, but it drowns the non-boated villagers and gives the rich bastard on the hill a waterfront property

[clothing store] Clerk: what size are you? Me: I’m unsure, my deceased wife used to buy my clothes. Clerk: Let’s try a medium Me: can you ask her?