"I made my own bread dough." "Prove it!“ “I'm doing that right now."

I bought a Russian advent calendar. Every time you open a window, an oligarch falls out.

Why do the names of Santa’s reindeer sound like stripper names?

Today I learned that Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is part of the DC extended universe. Waiting for the Rudolph/Batman movie.

did you know santas bag is sewn from the skin of all the children on the naughty list?

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

If you name your robot vacuum, it’s harder to kill and eat it later.

My kid just yelled at me for peeing with the door open. How’s your Christmas going?

a Lord of the Rings crossover called Second Breakfast at Tiffany's

"The difference between us, cowboy, is when you say a Winchester you mean a rifle and when I say Winchester I mean a hard disk. For the rest, see Winchester (disambiguation)."

Looking at a condom. Witness protection.

Scientists baffled, unable to determine what day it is.

It was one of the greatest disappointments of my life, right up there with learning that pencils didn't come from Pennsylvania, and that it's not true that all the world's knicker elastic comes from Pyongyang.

Look, if you call your film ‘The Italian Job’ then I’m going to assume that it’s not even going to *start* until two days after you said it would.

Some of you look like you would do anything for love, and definitely WOULD do that.

I'm always surprised at how strongly supportive the Grindr community is towards the UK national broadcaster. So many profiles make it clear they will prioritise you if you are BBC.

Getting sage advice on here is an automatic timeline cleanse.

A friend sent me this: For Christmas I‘m serving my new cocktail: The Mar a Lago. It’s 13-year old Brandy mixed with 79 year old orange bitters.

Things haven't been the same since they killed the Queen and put an old white man in her job.

kill fascism fuck hate marry xmas

You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone when you believe in Santa.

tops: i’ll swing by in 15 minutes. bottoms:

And Tiny Tim, who did not die, would become the cheeriest lad in the coal mine, doing his part for the Cratchits after sister Martha died in childbirth that spring!

Can’t believe they made a film about such a tiny doctor who.

Protestants: Christ on a cracker! Catholics: Christ IS a cracker.

joseph and mary would have loved social media, the way they expected everyone to worship their child

cant tell if my 1st date with the universe is going well

i post this story every christmas, and will keep doing so until it stops making me cry merry christmas xx

I'm at my late sister's. My brother-in-law put carols on in the background. The one playing now reminded me that there's something I haven't done yet today: O come all ye faithful

Rerunning a golden oldie.

Feliz navidad joke

Merry Christmas, y'all.

próspero año y no money down

So The Shadow Over Innsmouth is about a coastal community that is unpleasant and hostile to outsiders, which worships a foul, fishlike humanoid monster and invite his spawn into their homes. Apparently HP Lovecraft never went to Clacton-on-Sea, but that seems unbelievable really.

The mall on the 24th is just dads gently squeezing every stuffed animal, looking for the one that feels most "thoughtful."

Dubai chocolate is when they take two things not from Dubai and market them as a reason why Dubai should exist.

The description of pus as ‘weeping’ precludes the existence of happy pus.

I wonder if Santa has a haughty list of people who are full of themselves.

Mistletoe comes from the mistlefoot tree.

if AI pops up and i ignore it does a tree still get quietly throttled in the forest

My family has never believed in Father Christmas – I don't want to hurt my kids if the money ever runs out | Matt Taylor

Funny how all the obnoxious, selfish, arsehole rich kids get showered with expensive presents, and well-behaved, caring, sensitive, generous poor kids don't fair nearly as well... It's almost as if Santa has mixed up the good list and the bad list.

He's making a list He's redacting it twice Crossing out the names implicated in vice. D███d T██p was on Epstein’s flights.

Have they released the 'philes? Doesn't look like it given that the most obvious 'phile is still in charge.

It's oddly disappointing how many times in my life I've heard someone assert something "as a scientist" when their assertion shows all the hallmarks of confirmation bias and any number of other obvious flaws. Including the appeal to authority in the "as a scientist" element of their assertion.

I'm as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer

I’ll be quiet. Trying to curb my yappetite.