Morrissey’s sympathetic song for Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor: “Highness” is nice, but “Highness” can stop you, from doing all the things in life you’d like to.

Introduce yourself with 5 cars you've owned. In no particular order and up to about 2006 Mini Metro Rover 200 Rover 400 Rover 600 Rover 800(s) If I had a nickname it would be Rolling Rust.

Richard Gere (allegedly) turns up at the E.R. Doctor: What seems to be the problem? R.G.: It's my gut fauna. Doctor: Don't you mean gut flora? R.G. : (Grimacing) You're not listening. Gut F-A-U-N-A. Doctor: Oh. OH! OK. (Dons head torch, gloves and long laundry tongs). And all the rest is allegedly.

try to overthink it.

one for the youngsters.

History mocks our conceit of original thoughts.

Explain to me which of the fabulous magical powers that were revealed to Prince Adam of Eternia changed his sensible trousers into a furry bikini bottom?

Found an old hard drive from 15 years ago still works..... odd stuff on there.

I know some people who self identify as ‘Cocks plovers’ give or take a letter or two.

@katebevan.com Howdy, I have pinged you a message on 'another social network' with my secret (real) identity re: Xmas present for your dad, have a look and see what you think 👍

Cover yourself up love, I can see your ripples.

May have watched too many cartoons when I was young. First reaction on seeing this bird was wondering who tricked it into lighting up an exploding cigar.

The new ‘big fib’ people are telling in FB Marketplace and eBay is every 2nd hand PC for sale now is labelled as ‘Gaming PC’ and technically it’s true if your gaming stretches to Solitaire and Minesweeper.

This is not a joke sign.

It’s all very well harping on about ‘the knights of the round table’ being equal because no-one was ‘at the head’ but it’s still pretty certain everyone knew the guy on the throne was in charge and the others on bean bags, not so much.

If anyone *not* in Delta Force or the SAS does that gesture where they silently point two fingers at their eyes and then jab them meaningfully at you, poke two fingers up your nose and jab them meaningfully at them.

Chuck, I urge you to stop overthinking things.

There’s got to be a reason why that boy turned out like he did.

How’s your day going?

Brock might be the traditional family name for a badger but in this crazy age of hip-hop I think B-Rock is more in keeping with my forest homies.

Begone with that trite schmaltzy sentimentality. Let us not gloss over what the 60s was really like.

I’ll be the first to admit I wouldn’t be the best at being an advertising exec. Sure, I have flexible vocabulary and imagination but thanks to a Catholic school upbringing I am too honest and scared of lying. This porridge, for example, is ‘Banana flavour’ flavour. The power of Christ compels me.

Heil Five!

Bit disappointed now that the prospect of discovering any new chemical elements are slim to none, especially as the opportunity to name them could be based on where they were first verified. If only there could be a Birminghamium, it would no doubt be an extremely heavy metal.

They’re eating your Clangers and Tank Engines!

Things you can say during sex but also when barricaded into the Operations control room of the atmosphere processor on LV-426: - “I’m telling you, there’s something moving and it ain’t us!”

@quantick.bsky.social Today’s coincidence. Listening to ‘Bad Gear’ on YT reviewing a Roland 808 groovebox synth, recognise a drum fill on the demo from Truth? By Def Leppard, go to WikiP to see if groove box or album came first, in the WikiP article ‘David Quantick says of this album in Q magazine’🫢

Out of the frying pan into the fire…

The futility of doing an ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks’ style octave-boosting version of whale song is that, due to the acoustic sound transmission qualities of sea water, other whales would have to be no more than 16 inches away to be able to have a good laugh about it.

Now that the Coke has stopped trying to guess my name on the side of the can they have just resorted to downright flattery, e.g. “Sparkling and Refreshing”, yes, that’s very nice Coke but I am already aware of my social attributes thank you very much.

The medicine man up the road is suggesting I exercise and eat lots of vegetables to decrease the risk of strokes and heart attacks. I wonder if they’ve found the number 1 cause of heart attacks and strokes is constipation but they’re shy of mentioning it to us delicate souls.

Date yourself with a picture. You are seeing Automan’s sperm here.

There are two kinds of people who steeple their fingers in front of them. 1) Evil criminal masterminds. 2) Light entertainment ITV Saturday night TV hosts.

Has any sexually assertive woman ever demanded ‘Who’s your mummy?!’ during the deed?

If you see this, qtp with a pic from your gallery to describe your mental health.

There’s a certain ambiguity about warnings at the beginning of films or programmes, ‘Contains scenes of mild peril’, ‘Contains scenes of a sexual nature’. How about ‘Aww hell NO’ or ‘Awww YISSS!’ instead?

There’s very little you can’t make sound classier if you put a classy city name in front of it. Viennese Ballroom Slippers Viennese Reversible Mole Grips Viennese Inflamed Rectal Polyps

Listen, parents who go into debt taking your kids to Disneyland in term time. Johnny Mnemonic was all about building memories as well and look what happened to him.

Why not? That what Mek-Quake always say.’

This week I am to be Uncle at a Wedding. Sounds a bit like a Smiths track to me. “Oh Uncle, why must you dance as if you had no shame, like a matador in Cairo I hid by the canapés, Still you think you’ve ‘Got it’, whatever that means in a social club in Wythenshaw in November’

The special edition Yahtzee set is confusing the fuck out of me.

Started on the other half of the dynamic duo now.

Would have loved to see how The Flintstones would have come up with a stone age equivalent of this. Some kind of bamboo pole full of angry bees?

HEATHCLIFFE, IT'S ME, DAFFY, I'VE COME HOME.

Annoyed to see how some folks have lost their way. Adverts for Pandora trying to peddle bracelets and charms and jewellery, when I think about Cowboys From Hell it makes me weep for how far they have fallen.

B&M were selling ready made blocks of fondant icing so obviously…

“Three nuns, right, three nuns in the bathtub. One says ‘Where’s the soap?’ and the other two say ‘Yes it does’. Thankyou, I’m here all week, try the fish on Friday”.

Dr Who. We’ve had Death to the Daleks, Day of the Daleks, Destiny of the Daleks, I’m moving on to pastures new though, Dommsday of the Daleks, Decadence of the Daleks (a bit racy, that one), Doohickey of the Daleks (working title), Dirigible of the Daleks (how they overcome the Stairs problem) (1/2)

Summing up the overnight temperatures this week. Now it’s back to the studio for the news where you are.