There is something very attractive and sexy about a woman who appreciates donuts.

Social media has taught me, that if you have nothing important to say, you should say it on social media.

if you don’t mess up is it still an errand

If only everything in life were as reliable as my Mandalorian PEZ dispenser.

Day 3 of the new year and my plan to stay an undiscovered genius remains on track.

I don't know why, but i really trust Tony Hawk as a spokesperson

I know with the new year a lot of folks are at the gym doing squats. I just want ya’ll to know I’m at home doing my favorite kind of squat (diddley)

January is the Monday of the year.

I remember 2025 like it was just a few days ago

In another life? I have to do this shit again?

If I was invited to be on You Can’t Do That on Television, I would tell no one but there would be slimes

You’ll survive, but you’ll be funnier in a way that worries people

we held our collective breath for mere seconds before the fuckery continued unabated

A sloth drinking decaf has more motivation than some of us today.

Guys I'm twitterpated

No motivational speeches today. Let's get through this. Retirement rehearsal is over.

love to wake up and immediately start hurting myself with my brain

join me in this trench and rest

I think a little poison will make me feel better.

Just sitting here managing highly paid professionals… like a boss!

Still losing myself in the music, Eminem. Please advise.

Still nothing else matters, Metallica. Please advise.

Ask "Is it?" when someone says "it's nice to meet you".

When she gets you, she is the one.

Do you even know what it sounds like when doves cry bro?

until morale improves the shitposting will continue

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

I often wonder if Balzac would’ve had quite such a misplaced sense of arrogance and his own self-worth had he known that his name basically translates as ‘testicle receptacle’.

9: Where's mom? me: out the back 9: in Australia? me: no silly, she’s out THE back, not in the Outback! 9: what's she doing? me: playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Let’s make this safe house a safe home. My FBI case officer: please don’t

Me coming into 2026 😎

Stranger Things but it’s set in Letterkenny

back in my day, beans used to be cool

[dead in the morgue] *one leg outside body bag*

can’t help but notice that one of your wolves is a crunchwrap supreme

In case you're wondering, today is Dayday the twentywhoknows of December and it is a good day.

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

the age of men is over. the time of the peanut butter jelly has come

some of you never mixed up jason priestley and luke perry before and it shows

Hedwig and the Angry Grinch Is that anything?

The Grinch changing the station every time The Who comes on

I'm "there is only one TV channel that airs only at specific times of the day" years old.

I'm "avoid the noid" years old

I’m “remembers the Subway U cut” years old

I may not have accomplished much but the guy who did my autopsy said I had one of the largest brains he’s ever seen

cats greatest super power is being able to spread joy by just laying around

If your Christmas inflatable lasts longer than 4 hours please consult a doctor immediately.

I'll be home for Christmas because it's where I live.

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

sometimes I think about stores and the fragrance they put in the air that has been proven to make us want to buy things and then I forget how to breathe but anyway happy holidays to you too