I’m not attractive enough to be this obnoxious

I see bed, people

I can’t believe you did that in pubic

I have a martini in hand everything is alright

You are like a ringing phone that is not my phone but it’s the same ring. I won’t explain

Now it's time for my favorite yo mama joke bc why tf not You mama is so fat, every time she wears high heels she strikes oil

i’m reading a book about hypnosis and i’m getting veryyy sleeepy…

Thinking of a scene where M. Night Shyamalan's wife has to constantly listen to all these convoluted ideas for twist endings, and just being like "That's sounds great, honey."

Star Trek Deep Dish Nine Inch Pizza

*summons a demon* <dial tone> all our demons are busy haunting other summoners. Your summoning is very important to us.

I’ll show you my sinful cold cuts if you show me your forbidden cheeses.

🎶I'm a bitch, I'm a lover Talk your shit, I'm also rubber I'll roll your ass in a bunch of glue Now your bullshit bounces back and sticks on you🎵

*brings ativan to a pillow fight*

I’ve been hearing a lot about self-medicating. Where do you guys get your leeches?

I gotta get back to writing bigfoot erotica

i have 2 wolves inside of me, one of them is microplastic the other one is 85% lead protein

beelolzabub is this anything

in what level of hell do you find in person group meetings

People who say it’s hard to make friends as an adult have never tried showing their boobs on social media

Cats in Texas say meowdy

If her penchant for experimenting in the bedroom and the kitchen are comparable, you'd be wise to hold on to that one.

The Mandalorian, but a caramel dessert. The Flandalorian

Which one of these is the draw 4? Me trying to play uno with a deck of tarot cards

Cracking a beer at ten thirty am it's called maturity you should look in to it

Have the day i deserve? Yeah, well same to you fuckface

And now we return to our regularly scheduled derailment already in progress

How often should I be reposting my posts to ensure that no one can ignore my nonsense

i shouldn’t be allowed access to Temu without passing a breathalyzer

I tried reading a book about mazes, but I got lost

I read a book about plumbing, but it was shitty

I just want someone who looks at me the way Lloyd the Bartender looks at Jack Torrence

Breakfast of champion: anti-depressants and an energy drink.

can’t smoke, can’t drink, and now i’m hearing it’s dangerous to eat 3kg of candy in 3 days?? sure, OK FUN POLICE 😤

Took the baby to the vet for an exam I’m sure everything fine tho

If you see me in public that’s my stunt double.

I will not hesitate to wash my whole car with the gas station squeegee.

Time really does fly as you start to get older. Suddenly, trash day is like every other day. I hate trash day.

Peter Parker Posey Idk what I’m doing either

Looking for a partner to embark on a downward spiral. No weirdos. Or speedos.

I SAID I KNOW ENOUGH MEN

sports bras for sports breasts turkey bras for turkey breasts

Say or do the weird thing. You’ll be worshipped here

Dysfunctional families.... the gift that keeps on giving.

A lot of TV shows now have a warning about "adult situations" . . . but then you watch and no one is going to work, paying bills or cleaning up dog poop.

she put the ‘ho’ in hopeless romantic

face my fears. face reality. what’s the difference at this point

reverse cowgirl, so we can solve this Scooby-Doo! mystery together

ogre sex could be fun

so what if I unplugged your life support to charge my phone AITA

Frog and Toad Are Gonna Fuck Shit Up