This Mothers Day, mix things up a bit by sending her a “Thanks For Not Swallowing Me” card.

if I knew hot people could still feel depressed and unloved I would have chosen to be smart instead

that’s how I should answer the phone at work -me when someone screams in a movie

Weekend Pro Tips: -Drink plenty of water -Eat sensible meals -Establish an alibi -Make your neighbors death look like an accident -Meal plan for the week so you don’t stress after work -Remember you left incriminating evidence -Rush back forgetting you set everything to explode -Womp womp

whenever i am considering posting questionable content, i always ask myself this: “will this upset the four or five followers that actually respect me?”

One thing I like to do is say to someone, "isn't my daughter beautiful?" and then when they say yes, I say, "easy Epstein."

in the Cars universe, tire pix are the equivalent of human feet pix

A good way to tell if you are in love with someone is if they say "I want to tell you about a dream I had" and you are sort of interested

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

jesus take the wheel tell the cop you were driving please i need this

I don’t like twist endings. Darth Vader should just be some guy.

Every 13 to 17 years, Jon Secada emerges from his underground lair and emits a high-pitched whine.

Someone asked if I was scared to be alone in the graveyard last night, but with four planets in the 8th house, it's the graveyard that should be afraid of me.

hey i’m thinking of getting into crime does anyone know if the FBI director is blacked out currently

my beautiful bride says I spend too much time on social media. oh great and now the priest is agreeing with her

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

[plant naming committee] BOSS: what should we call this prolific weed with yellow flowers DAN DeLEON: i have an idea

Star Wars is, at its core, about how weird-looking robot guys and aliens do or do not get along with British people

I can’t believe that men, in this the year 2026 of our Lord, still reply to a skeet without liking it.

(transferring to Arthur’s school from Arthur) so what the fuck are you guys

someone just walked into this dispensary wearing so much cologne it doesn’t smell like weed in here anymore

It's one thing for people to question my parenting methods; but they're crossing a line when they physically prevent me from lowering my 4-year-old into a gorilla enclosure.

"Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?" *my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

i have a few days to gather Schitt’s Creek gifs to communicate with my dentist while her fingers are in my mouth

Me: *whispering* Ma'am, you have quite a large, hairy pussy there. Female zookeeper at the lion exhibit: Oh. You're back.

why’s dogpiling got such a bad rap? I would kill to be in a pile of dogs

me and the boys on the USS Abraham Lincoln eating boiled boot leather and sharing stories about the most Realistic Pussy we've ever seen

Called A1 so they're first in the yellow pages #TOTP

I’ve reached the “eh, it’s perfectly adequate” phase of the end of a payday Friday shift.

Imagine being haunted by the ghost of a 1990's ska guy

I’m reanimating life with dark magic if you wanna swing by

BBC ANNOUNCER VOICE: Lewk. Layer. Hann. And of course Chyewbacker. You’ve seen their many travails through the coz-moss at the cinemah

If opioids make you act stupid, you might be an oxymoron.

Mamdani: If the NYC apartment you keep solely for bi-yearly affairs with your mistress costs over 5 million dollars, you gotta pay more tax NYPD officer who’s been on disability since 2006 because he stomped too hard on a lady during an arrest and fucked up his ankle: This is a travesty

I found the culprit. They broke it

Not sure why everyone is complaining, the site is working fine for Bluesky Premium subscribers

Bluesky is working fine for me. The more I scroll, the calmer I feel. The app still emits the scent of cinnamon rolls. Plus every time I post, my peripheral vision fills with sparkles

[pulitzer prize ceremony] Son: I'd like to dedicate this to my father [camera cuts to me eating corn nuts in a darth vader t-shirt]

Should be part of his next test.

sorry, but i'm really not interested in anything that involves getting out of bed

That thing where the waiter pours a little bit of wine, you taste it and they pour the rest if it's acceptable, but with parmesan cheese

It's all happening at the zoo (pooping)

How many times a day do you have to pretend not to see something for the sake of your mental well-being? Is it seven hundred thousand?

honestly jolene you can fucking have him, good luck girl

Twins reboot

Millions of lapsed Catholics realizing that they have become realigned with the Pope against their will

it seems like every day we get farther away from Mr Rogers

I think I’ve got four, maybe five thousand terrible posts left in me.

Every time someone says "I don't get into politics" it tells me who they voted for.

I think I’ve got four maybe five phone updates left in me.