Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

phil collins tried to murder me on a boat once.

I wouldn't describe myself as ruggedly handsome. I'm closer to bathtub mattedly handsome.

[making plans with some friends, one of whom is your roommate, Godzilla] ME: {on phone} Let me ask Godzilla. {yelling upstairs} Yo, do you want to meet up with Phil and those guys at the beer garden later? GODZILLA: <GODZILLA ROAR> ME: OK. {on phone} He says <GODZILLA ROAR>

Dangerous listening to music, might end up accidentally feeling somebody else's emotions. This is not my mood. I'm Freaky Fridaying. I'm supposed to be giving a big presentation at 11 and right now I'm being consumed by somebody else's yearning.

You eat one amazing peach then spend the rest of your life buying lousy peaches trying to repeat the experience. Forever chasing that peach dragon; that’s how good it was.

checked out homicide detective: hands bound, three shots to the back of the head with a .38 (sighs) another lonely suicide partner: but where's the gun? detective: bird probably flew away with it, they love shiny stuff partner: and the binding on the hands? detective: bird

walking through the grocery store whispering "molly, percocet" in the direction of random people

Panic! At Any Given Location

Think I may quit my job and start doing computers. Anybody know how to do computers?

could a depressed person do this? *moonwalks into traffic*

when I was a kid I got hit by a drunk driver (dad slapped me)

how many dead gop senators does it take to unscrew a country

pretty interesting that you can get banned for jerking off in a Waymo even though you’re the only one in there

*turning to my s/o* Change of plans, I have to post all day

Guy who looks like Don Knotts after a 5 day juice cleanse: This country is in the throes of a masculinity crisis caused by liberal politics

im working on this thing i call PTSD (Pill Tracking System, Dummy) that lets you know if you already took your meds . good luck, me 🤞🏼

me: hi, yes. i was just wondering why it’s spelled crocodile & not crocodial my gynecologist: what

If four dads are ever in the same room together they spontaneously form into a bowling team

Jon Bon Jovi is French for John Good Jovi #TOTP

20 likes on twitter: I'm an idiot, a loser, a fraud, universally despised 20 likes on bluesky: well well well look who's Queen Bitch of Fuck Mountain

(DSM-6 editor, pondering) blueskycosis. is this anything

DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

I like to consider myself a looksminner, or, as we've colloquially been known, "uggos."

i just saw a group of celebrities singing the imagine song to a glitched waymo that was causing a traffic jam.

If you die at Chuck E. Cheese you respawn as one of the animatronic band animals

If sunshine on your shoulder gets you high, wait till I introduce you to weed.

Maine officials search the rocky beach for a new senate candidate. They find an unconscious man clad in tattered rags washed upon the shore. The sea provides for Maine, it always does

“Jurassic Park” just go to a turkey farm, it’s the same shit

I got 99 problems, but I’m about to find one more… because uneven numbers give me anxiety

Yeah I'd like to get laid... laid to rest!

McConnell called me today apparently just to softly sing MOON RIVER and then hang up

Me: what do you do for a living? Her: i write code Me: is that code for something?

If anyone reading this has TikTok could you post a message to my kids telling them dinner’s ready please?

just found out my AI boyfriend is cheating on me with the printer. devastated.

son: Godzilla is a girl me: *lays fork down quietly and exhales thru nose*

Stylist: Do you want any product in your hair? Me: Any product? Ambergris.

I feel like bedrooms should have been called restrooms

[dog park meeting] Dog: we have confirmed reports that they're hiding the pills from us... [low growls] Dog: IN THE CHEESE [outraged barking]

Took my dog to the vet today. In their medical opinion he is still a very good boy.

Mitch McConnell is so old and evil that Pangaea broke itself apart trying to get away from him

program to personally sponsor someone thinking about buying another open world ubisoft game and convincing them to read some comics or go play with the guinea pigs at the pet store

I'm aging like a fine wine. All covered in dust and being totally ignored left sitting in the basement.

*blues riff* I bought a 20 dollar scratcher *blues riff* it didn't pay off

Happy Birthday to rock ‘n’ roll legend Chubby Checker. 82 and still going strong!

Not gonna pierce these baking potatoes with a fork, in fact I hope they explode. I hope it takes out the whole neighborhood.

If you see a cat sitting and staring at a blank wall, it’s because that cat is waiting for that wall to get out of its fucking way

Prime dropped the ball by not calling the Legally Blonde prequel "What the Elle".

You can push a watermelon around in a stroller and no one can stop you.