There’s no excuse for my behavior, I googled it.

release the director's cut of Titanic (the one where they draw Kate a third boob)

me: I don't like the sound of my voice my friend: yeah it's not great

Give a man a fish, and that fish is his fucking problem now. Have fun with your new fish jackass!

It was wrong to punch the old man, but nobody calls me a whippersnapper.

back in my day you weren’t full of life unless you had the freshmaker

So say we all.

That kind night

I’ll never forget the last time my grandpa beat my ass because it was also the first time I heard Return of the Mack

Look, all I said was Barney the dinosaur would be a kind and considerate lover, don't make it weird

and here is my trophy room. yeah i bullied a lot of people to get these

Between wanting the truth and not being able to handle the truth, I stay pretty busy.

having a whole life where I mean to say something relatable but instead I say something that warrants a wellness check

I'm "made my parents a clay ashtray in school" years old

In their lifetime, the average so-called cinephile will watch barely a fraction of all films ever released. That’s why I’m cinemamaxxing. By watching films at 5x speed I can experience the entire filmography of auteurs both famous and obscure in a matter of hours

Hey baby, don't worry I'm showing up for me

if you have to ask how much freedom costs you can't afford it

I bit my cheek, which is fine cause I was planning on being really angry today anyway.

I told my doctor I felt like the world was closing in on me. She said I was just getting fatter

just a little more funding and police departments can finally afford the GOOD training where they teach you to value human life

Trying to popularize my cool new slang phrase- "Oooh... that chicken's gettin' crispy!"- with the youths. Please repost.

me: when i was a kid one of the meals that was in the rotation was something my mom liked to call ‘coffee & bananas’. it was a cup of coffee & some bananas. the priest serving me communion: can you tell your mom to come & visit me? i need to talk to her.

Maybe the horrors could tone down their freshness for a bit?

What if Humpty didn’t want to be put back together; did anyone ever think about that?

When I said “let’s circle back on this after the holidays” I thought it was apparent I was referring to Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day & Presidents’ Day.

Sorry for the things I said when Sam Beckett quantum leaped into me

SUPERVISOR: I need to speak with some of you in my office ME: [filling the water cooler with spaghetti] whomst

your posting can still send you to horny jail, so be careful with what you say, alright

"I'm so proud of you, spending all your money on ice cream and vodka is really healthy", my therapist says. "Thank you, that means a lot", I say as I put the sock puppet I replaced my old therapist with back in the drawer.

We've replaced Jed's parachute with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if he notices the difference.

Always keep a ripe avocado in one pocket and a lime in the other because you'll never know when you'll be feeling salty enough to whip up some pocket guacamole to go with the chip on your shoulder

bringing a book to the gym so i can exercise the most important muscle 💪🧠

I think if you post bad you should have to wear a scarlet P around on you in real life

When I was 23, I saw a bunch of really cute velvet furniture on the side of the road, totally nice. Took it in and a year later a friend’s new gf came to my house and it turns out I’d stolen her entire living room while she was moving.

calling in to work pluribused

back in my day, beans used to be cool

jeopardy host: it’s says here that you think every taylor swift song is loosely based on the story of the grinch me: thats right

my son who’s allergic to peanuts: good morning dad me: what is it now Riley

old woman I gave my seat on the bus to: it’s nice to see polite normal men still out there. me on way to ex gf’s work to sing teenage dirtbag in an effort to get her back: thank you!

I find the “What’s up?” in the skeeting box kind of threatening

The computer and the phone have ruined our brains. People in the 80s were stupid and angry in a much more natural way

This is a true story. At the request of the survivors, names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest is told exactly as it occurred. Due to pressure from gamers, everyone's also been given big naturals.

when I buy bok choy, if they have baby bok choy I get some of them too. separating families is needlessly cruel.

Thank god Chuck Schumer isn’t alive to see this.

I’ve just had a sudden insight into the human condition: it’s bad

At the club, wearing my new cologne: Amazon Basic for men.

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier