Your choice of laundry detergent and toothpaste are some of the most important relationship choices you make.

WWJD ..What would Jimothy do.

Onward, Buttwrcup! There's fuckery to spread!

When I say you are the wind beneath my wings...

udderly therapeutic 💙

If you need to rinse off a plate before you put it in the dishwasher, you plainly don’t have a dog.

I enjoy the cut of your juxtaposition, like freak on a leash joins the symphony.

Pretty sure I know who’s winning the Taylor Farms peace prize this year

Photographer Martin Le-May was walking through a London park with his wife, hoping to show her a green woodpecker for the first time, when he snapped this incredible photo: a weasel riding a flying woodpecker.

When I say you are the wind beneath my wings...

Woke up and chose violence today… but just the rubber band snapping kind.

I dunno. A World Cup seems rather unsanitary.

If I ever become famous, I hope most of my interviews are the ones where they surprise me with kittens.

What it felt like arriving on Bluesky

What it felt like arriving on Bluesky.

Thought I’d found “the one” but her phone battery was at 4% and I don’t need that kind of anxiety, thank you.

Proof the earth is round. Capitalism. No one’s charging to see the edge of the earth.

It was me, I used the unnecessary apostrophe, you're honor.

Geese are mostly harmless. [goose changes my Netflix password] I stand corrected.

Choosy moms choose Charles

Unnecessary apostrophes are catastrophe's nemesis' friend

It’s so bright today. And hot. And sticky. And not in the sexy way. Unless you were here.

one takeaway from the world cup we can all agree upon is that the spanish word "cabezazo" is cool af

I too only lounge all sexy like and camera ready (the blob types as she realizes her shirt is on backwards and inside out again)

applying for a job as a micromanager as i only want to work a little

Chicken-fried stupidity.

*pretending to know something about soccer* me: I too drink my worlds from a cup

from lily pad to mountain top

The red flag came out when she described her dildo as "chewy".

Entering into an eternal unholy union with an evil spirit. It's okay, guys.. we're in love

I thought Skip To My Lou was some British song about being happy to find a bathroom.

Best thing I saw in the shop today; posted with permission

Fuck cancer.

Her transformation to seal is almost complete

He is PERFECT ... #Jimothy

I smoked crack with twosense and she didn't even steal my lighter like I thought she would

Everybody say something nice about me. I need to get this job reference page just right.

Just wish I could give Messi a hug That's a lot to reconcile Good on him for giving his all

The birthing hips on your truck are not making a good case for your masculinity.

Despite all my hydrangea I'm still just a rat in a cagea

Pronouncing calla lily like holla! lily

Sometimes I wake up and think, oh shit, did I skeet that?! And then I peek in the draft folder and let out a big sigh of relief. Wee smol stupid thoughts, still tucked safely away.

In the Maine airport they have a little table set up with a jigsaw puzzle for people to randomly stop by and piece together. So, hear me out.... Jenga table

just going to lie down in the middle of the floor and wait several million years to become a fossil

My first shot this morning

My enemy's enemy is quite attractive actually

Women are complex creatures. One time in 5th grade, a girl kicked me in the nuts and I found out later it was because she liked me.

avoiding the cyclospora scare by rinsing my lettuce in the panera lemonade that kills people

Metal, medal, mettle and meddle are four more reasons that English is infuriating.

This goes out to everyone in the US, but especially looking at our politicians