me & who

Who doesn't?

I’ve instructed my heirs to go ahead and enough already without me

get in, loser we're going to the wildest rock concert you've ever seen

Welp. Another day, another part of you dead.

If you're just going to be ridiculous I'll take my action figures and go home.

I choose to battle the flu with a holistic, medicinal approach. Eating meatballs.

Pee and poop use gravity to exit the body. But what if they ejaculated out like jizz? In this essay...

wham bam thanks obama

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

delving too greedily and too deep into my drafts and awakening shadow and flame

spoiler alert for my New Year's Resolution, it's the same as it's been for the past decade or so- to be nicer, Online perhaps 2026 will be the year I actually pull it off!

I’m sure some folks absolutely hate this but when two people in my replies argue for an entire day I kind of like it and sometimes think things like “damn TrashDad came back strong in the afternoon”

"everyone grieves differently" Erika Kirk:

At my boyfriend’s hockey game, eyes peeled for evidence of post-game homoerotic tension.

sorry, i cant come over, i put a sweatshirt over a long sleeve tshirt and neither of them feel right around my neck and shoulders now

ME: i love pizza TOMBSTONE: you sure?

I can't wait to be put in an old folks home watching reruns of Severance and Yellowjackets.

I'll never be your beast of bourbon

Feed me

Learned all of the music and feelings you should have as a human being just from a television experience so now I know that I am a sad and complete kind of person, I'll take it because it's closing creditsable

Maybe I have your notifications turned on because I want to do the sex with you, Jeeezus.

thinking about growing one of those mustaches with the curly ends but idk if i can handle everyone wanting to have sex with me

canadian slapping the roof of his neighbour’s new car: she’s a beaut bill, how’s her gas kilometerage

Me at 25: By middle age, you should own nice home and have a thriving showbiz career Me at middle age: *in an okay apartment, very into squirrels*

another day working at the japanese artificial mouth company. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the artificial mouth. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

if they had just shown it on 60 Minutes nobody would have seen it

Hi! I found your problem! It’s me!

Did he call me "unserious"? Hold my beer hat

Yes, mom, I’ve heard of Skechers.

Please don’t let me be the only one on here who loves the masterpiece 🙏🏾

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

Still feeling anxiety about returning to school after Christmas break to discover that I forgot my locker combination

I have tried nothing and I am out of ideas

scrooge: you there boy, what day is it? boy: why, it’s december 28 sir scrooge: then why the hell are you popping fireworks already?

I don’t chat with any of you but some of yall would be in my top 8 on MySpace

I had a dream that I was having a gun fight with a guy, but we were using our key fobs to shoot at each other. I finally had enough and used my fob to taser the guy in the nuts.

At least it's Friday

"Merry Christmas honey, I bought you a $60,000 car" Honey: WTF? There's $60,000 missing from our savings

nobody in my house appreciates a traditional Christmas (me waking them up by burning incense and playing a drum)

sisyphus getting a treadmill for christmas

hey man no hate but you really don’t have to fill out a 2026 bingo card. i just mean it’s been like a decade without a successful prediction

Get in, loser. We’re going to the cottage.

Started Heated Rivalry as a straight woman. Finished it wondering if I’m actually a gay Russian hockey superstar with unresolved trauma.

I was awarded "Salesperson of the month" at Jack Daniels distillery...I don't even work there...

multiple consecutive blumpkins; don’t never say i ain’t got stamina

I should date. Watches Dateline..nevermind.

We watched Home Alone with my youngest daughter last night, so we put on Home Alone 2 tonight. We’re about 15 minutes in, and I’m like, you know what, fuck Kevin

I see that has Santa renewed your passive aggressive membership