she bloomed ✨

I’m opening up a pop culture curio and nostalgia shop called Joanie Loves Tchotchkes.

Gemini: Your lungs are exhausted from all the screaming. But your soul will never grow tired of it.

Everyone sucks at math until someone gets pregnant

Yeah, but does your rehab have wifi?

back in the early 90s Studio line hair gel by Loreal kept my hair stiffer than blue pill penis

I have no game plan, and I'm sticking to it.

sometimes when I turn my head my neck makes a loud cracking sound is this considered sexy

I can't be your friend i'm a bastard but i can be your alibi, getaway driver or plus one (terms & conditions apply)

"Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

This is how I skeet

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do at any meeting is introduce yourself? And other questions that keep me awake at night.

This day in history. 1983. Ronald Reagan's Interior Secretary James Watt declared The Beach Boys unsuitable to perform at 4th of July celebrations because they attracted the wrong element then was forced to apologize because the wrong element included Ronald and Nancy Reagan.

Navina Khatib

democrats are too exhausted to celebrate July 4th cause of their weak constitution hahahahaaaa everything is terrible

As the saying goes, if you love something set it on fire. Happy 4th, I guess 💣🧨💥

My dog doesn’t give a shit, I’m the one who hates fireworks

I think we should bring back waking up on Saturday mornings and watching cartoons.

I did it again

Happy Independence Day! It's important that while we're enjoying our cookouts and fireworks, that we all take the time out of our day to give thanks to those who fought bravely for our freedom. So big ups once again to Will Smith and that Jewish guy for saving our planet from an alien invasion

1AM and they're still going off. I love my town 🥴

*explaining potty training to a toddler* poop is the pee of the butt

My son is beautiful.

At the gym, guy on bike next to me is wearing a dinosaur onesie and playing air drums. Me with a straight face while skeeting. 😆

i think the one on the right is the dad

Give me a $40 parlay on heat stroke in the crowd, heat stroke on the stage, and at least one secret service agent going down

the cat's been in the litter box for an hour just scrolling on his phone

Whatchamacallit is a lazy candy bar name

250 years of white people acting like they own the place

I remember him saying that he has a "gold guy", probably charging the govt out the ass to make round trips to hobby lobby

Go live on Bluesky? I’m still in my pjs from yesterday

It must be so refreshing to put cucumber slices on your balls

Excuse me your honor are you hitting on me?

i’m a gemini, which means i have two penises

I wanted to change my pfp too

The water fairies have once again danced on the site of my future grave

Guess what Bumblebee butt

We got new next-door neighbors. I got some cupcakes at the grocery store to welcome them but they tipped over in the packaging in the car so we ate them. Then I got them a big cookie but they haven’t been there for days so we’re eating it. Haven’t met them yet but I love my new neighbors.

imagine hating love, like at all

Opened my Etsy shop that sells little finger-sized coffins just in time

kiss me beneath the flickering lights of a Golden Corral

Ernest Opens Up A Brothel

legs for days is just another weird american unit of measure

the fortress of the heart shouldn’t be a prison

I don't care how hot it gets. Summer will always be better than winter. I never injured myself slipping on sunshine.

I'm never going to own another car where rubber ducks are an accessory.

"by the power of grayskull, i have the flower!" (me, managing to keep a plant alive)

I am simultaneously mad at the US government and hummingbirds. One for being just awful and the other for ignoring the Dipladenia I set out for their pleasure.

what do you mean you don’t put crushed up potato chips on your hot dog blocked