Dang, we all suck. Yes, including you. You're not special. Fuck you.

When your feelings are hurt that means the website is bad

One time making balsamic dressing I used the same spoon to measure mustard then honey then tasted the spoon and thought for five seconds that I invented honey mustard

RIP Jesus you would have loved Birkenstocks.

I bet when it happens, bsky activity will surge. Inactive users will suddenly become active once more. The site will stop dying for at least 2 or 3 days. Just something to think about, if you’re a problem-solving nerd obsessed with user growth.

will eating chocolate inoculate me from Count Choculas or further entice them

Did anyone ever ask Joey how HE was doing?

Just here to ruin your scroll

It’s okay to get knocked down and just take a nap instead.

Time to celebrate Zombie Jesus with chocolate eggs delivered by a bunny rabbit. How this makes any sense, i just don't know.

when I fit back into these Jordaches it’s over for you whores

I’m too proud for bifocals and too lazy to lift my glasses. I’ll assume these are all bangers.

I sent you a pic of my calf strain, please respond

Tallulah Rose, 4 years ago today.

Insane in the membrane and it’s not contained.

I refuse to eat an egg that comes from a rabbit.

i use my real name here because i have diplomatic immunity (nobody cares about my posts)

*at an orgy with five dentists so which one of you didn’t recommend my toothpaste

Every day I wake up and choose delusional contentment

It's April. We're the fools. We're the jokes.

"Sad birds still fly." Well, they don't feel the sadness in their wings, do they?

Follow your heart. Track its movements. Kill it before it destroys you.

NOT NOW, MOM! i’m busy lying to strangers on the internet

bro your laurels are you resting on them

Turn up the volume, ffs

if you post that you’re pregnant as an april fools joke, im blocking you idc how long we’ve known each other.

biblically accurate salisbury steak

on the one hand sure, block whoever for whatever reason, but on the other WHO blocks *me* for gosh sakes?? I'm not even mean anymore!

Blocked some rando that argued cats aren’t ridiculous. This site is amazing

If you don't have a chef's toque then prepping food is one time that wearing a baseball cap backwards is allowed.

I know I’m not supposed to be operating heavy machinery right now but this chainsaw is remarkably light.

Hormuz con pollo

heading to Michigan later this week, in case anyone wants to fist fight somewhere outside of Detroit

This day in history. 1944. Fifty American bombers blew up the city of Schaffhausen in neutral Switzerland. Next time choose a side you cheese poking dandies.

My daughter just told me that Donnie Darko is an Easter movie as the Easter Bunny is in it and I’m good with that if she is.

Oh you're wearing mixed fabrics. The bible says i can stone you to death for that.

You can’t scare me, I’m attracted to men

Do you ever think that you can hear the pores near your ear canal excrete oil or are you normal?

I’m in the adolescence of my middle age. I’m a fiftysixteenager

pushing my fingers into my eyes sounds good right about now the funk soul brotha

Still hilarious how when I repost that one guy, half my followers will never see it bc y'all are awful people! Do better

This day in history. 1913. The Skandalkonzert. The Vienna Concert Society rioted at a concert of modernist music by Schoenberg and others including Alban Berg whose pieces prompted the members to demand his commitment to an asylum but he was already in one.

Perimenopause implies that men named Perry should just stop.

my dad knew an old lady who swallowed a fly, and in an effort to retrieve it made a series of catastrophic decisions that ultimately led to her death

cat be looking at me talking bout "one on one i wanna play that game tonight" knowing dam well he be hangin w/18 like a muhfuh

Good night to people who tolerate me, and you only

He's a 10 but he has 50,000 emails in his inbox 😭

No, my panties aren't in a bunch. My underwear are not the topic of discussion either.

your grandparents voting for reagan