eat a dick? ok maybe i can see it. but eat a BAG of dicks? well now you’re just being ridiculous

If you’re my valentine, I’m getting you a dozen mozzarella sticks

Love is always in the air when you fart as much as I do

logging on

my kink is mutual admiration and willingness to hate the same political figures

too serious for the shitposters but too silly for the professionals I try to strike a balance

I act younger than I am because I wasted 20 years of my life

edible hit too hard + manual breathing + speaking in tongues

This site really sucks now (I’m not getting enough attention).

i bet it would feel so good if we could put our bodies into low power mode

Dissociating is not upsetting to others if you patiently explain you are a maidenhead on an ancient ship.

“”No worries,” I say pulling my Burger King crown down over my eyes.

Hoping I haven’t done the stupidest thing I ever did yet because I want something to look forward to.

can’t go out tonight, i need to stay in and catch up on my kegels

Remember to have sex at a cabin near a lake tonight so Jason visits. 🔪

nice shitpost you got there be a shame if someone were to make a serious reply to it

Spooning always turns into forking at some point

My reflection in the mirror when I'm creatively blocked...

I am but a mere vessel for cream cheese.

Ok, universe, I woke up today, your move

“and then this motherfucker puts a FEATHER in his CAP, and you are not gonna believe what he called that shit. guess. just fuckin guess.”

give 👏 knives 👏 to birds 👏

It's Friday the 13th and everuthing I type has been a typo I've only been worjing 10 minutes and I'm done

Ciabatta not fuck with them, they don't knead to put up with naan of your shit. You butter believe they'll crumb right at you and you'll be toast, your loaf over. Do you want your mama putting flours on your grave? Crust me, that's just how they roll. Okay, challah at you later.

Jacket potatoes: Delicious side dish or avant garde fashion statement?

You complete me! ~ me to my lucky potato as I gently kiss it goodnight and tuck it back under my pillow

I think I scrolled too far.

"I felt sorry for a man wearing a vest, until I met a man with no arms. They were a match." Fuck it. Send.

i truly do not care what the rain in spain is doing

This is one of those ‘if I wake up dead tomorrow it will still be a better day than today’ kind of days.

The older I get, the more my brain feels like it was stirred with a fork.

Happy Friday the 13th to those who celebrate.

You give me a corner piece of cake and then wonder where my clothes went?

Sometimes people come into your life, and that’s got to stop.

it's a good day to "meh" and dissociate

*gets confronted by adobe acrobat reader for not making it my default*

Of course every joke is a cry for help. Are you new to this planet?

But were you ever brawling in the back of a pick-up truck, doing 55 mph down the highway, stupid drunk?

Man I miss crop circles and skinny jeans.

I'm only happy when it rains

I talk too much I’m blowing it : a memoir

I got banned from Bass Pro for telling them they're out of camo gear too many times

You're the D in duh.

Back off Karma, I got this one

[me] mom can i have a moon economy [mom] no we have an economy at home [me] but that ones broken

You: It's Friday the Thirteenth! Me: Nah, there's been way more than that

Everything’s at dawn. I would lose so many duels just because I was asleep

the night is still young unlike most of us here

We're all traumatized by something it's how we juggle the feelings and anger is what matters..

That’s enough fresh hell for today. Can’t wait to wake up and eat another steaming pile of fresh hell tomorrow