Overboiled pasta and regrets, a drama to live, a comedy to watch

Sometimes I think I'm the only reason my couch has purpose in this life.

Me: Never gonna give you up. Coffee: Never gonna let you down.

Saturday is just a series of tiny breaks between snacks.

For when you really need therapy but can’t afford it, there’s strangers on the internet.

If beauty truly lies in the eye of the beholder then a lot of you folks need glasses.

I will totally repost someone who has me on mute. That's the Lizzy promise lol

My neighbor let me use her leaf blower and now I need a leaf blower

One thing you should know about me is most days it's a struggle not to go down a rabbit hole... so hippity-hop mfr

[Puts a snorkel & flippers on my horse] Water polo ref: still no

I stay away from people who don't need meds and drink decaf coffee . . . those people scare me.

Show me a picture that shows how much you've changed over the last 20yrs.

There's a strong bond between two coworkers that get annoyed by the same third coworker.

Enjoy your music now young Generation. One day it will be your cleaning Playlist.

You'll never know me and that's the most fantastic part.

Let's drink to respect; I'm still believing there is some of it remaining in the world.

What doesn't kill you, gives you a headache which is killing you, slowly.

Time for you to finally learn what sarcasm is, because I refuse to keep putting "Just kidding" at the end of everything.

My look went from "wildest" to "widest" thanks to autocorrect. Turns out looks really can be deceiving.

Explain it to me like you're not sure what you're talking about

If your kids don't start running at the count of three you're not doing parenting right.

Sorry i'm late i was in the back yard teaching the Raccoons to square dance

Protip: if your significant other starts a sentence with “I find it funny how…”, they probably don’t mean funny ‘haha’ the way us normal people do.

Already exhausted from playing nice on this Monday morning.

That's me in the corner... That's me in a meeting, I don't need to be on Monday

My favorite thing about skydiving is that I've never been.

A pork themed Hibachi-Style Restaurant called the "The Chop Shop"

Flying to Chicago with T in the morning. I can already imagine the house party my kids are planning

Not to brag, but I'm like the best singer inside the grocery store . . . "at the Copa, Copa Cabana . . ."

My wife is clearing out the fridge before our vacation so for today’s breakfast I got 2 slices of ham, 5 bacon strips and a pork chop. The sad thing is knowing that I will never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Feeling chatty... think I'll head over to the Lowe's paint counter

There is a fine line, between loving your pet and worshiping it like a god, and cats don't seem willing to forget that old egyptian success story

I'm in the mood for someone to make me coffee and feed me boston creme donuts.

I stepped on some of the kids Lego this morning and it hurt like hell, but not as much as that time I accidentally liked a skeet that referred to them as Legos.

A lot of people say my sister has my mothers eyes, despite this she is still refusing to give them back

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you fall through the skylight

If you had a plastic rug runner with spikes on one side... You may be entitled to compensation.

I don’t know what my superpower is but I do know it’s not being able to predict my wife’s reaction to any given situation.

Have a houseguest for a few days so look at me, up early, pretending to be a productive human being

Is he being funny? Is he sad? Is he being sarcastic? Does he have 12 bodies in his basement?

I like to live on the edge, so I had a hotdog from 7-Eleven for breakfast

If it’s not within a 3.5 mile radius I’m not going.

I love when I’m waiting around for a manager to do my job

Enjoy your music now young Generation. One day it will be your cleaning Playlist.

It was Monday a year ago, how is it only Wednesday ?!

don't watch and I jinx it, do watch and I totally jinx it... what I mean to say is I'm a jinxer

I don’t appreciate what I bring to the table enough.

Doctor: Does your knee hurt? Me: I'm not sure Doctor: .....

All I’m saying is, if I designed women’s dresses they’d all have pockets.

Life's only expensive if you think in terms of how much money everything costs.