Not to brag but I know for a fact that were anything to happen to my wife the ladies in my office would be falling over themselves to be first to tell me to not turn to them for a replacement.

Stop it. Cheese isn't supposed to be that hard.

You put a pep in my step today, you insufferable jerk.

In space no one can hear your shitty shitty poetry

*seductively mutes myself*

I'M A WHIMSICAL FROG, DAMNIT!

*unclenches my jaw* *my limbs all fall off*

“I’m not falling for THIS again,” I say as I roll over and go back to sleep

I have a killer body, even if I say so myself. If I fell on anyone, there’s absolutely no way they’d survive.

[boardroom] CEO: we need faster growth, what do the numbers say? me: I dunno, it doesn’t add up CEO: why not? me: it’s my calculator, I dropped it and the ➕ button fell off CEO: you’re fired

This day in history. 1913. The Skandalkonzert. The Vienna Concert Society rioted at a concert of modernist music by Schoenberg and others including Alban Berg whose pieces prompted the members to demand his commitment to an asylum but he was already in one.

I used to think Columbo was a genius. Turns out he just had access to the script

I enjoyed my wedding day and the birth of my kids was amazing but my best day ever has to be that time the freezer failed and I had to eat everything before it spoiled.

I think the doomsday clock people are reading our posts

If 100 people solve the same mathematical problem correctly, they’ll all arrive at the same answer, by calculator or by hand. But if 100 people write about the same subject, paint it, or photograph it, they’ll produce 100 different works. Don’t let anyone convince you that losing that is progress.

I'm painfully aware of how cringe I am

I got added to an AI hater list. Things are starting off well today.

YOU’RE NOT A LATE BLOOMER IF YOU NEVER BLOOM

they should invent a vacation that doesn’t end

Fuck you. Follow me for more inspirational insults.

getting in early to set the mood for the long weekend by adding even more cheese to my shopping list

I did not steal the fucking KitKat's if I'm doing any fucking heists in northern Italy I'll be boosting a fucking wine shipment

A good thing about being stupid is always feeling surprised when you're watching tv shows

If "an american tail" had involved my kids, Fiefel would have been lost and his sister would say "good" and that'd be the end

What the hell I am doing here?!? *me at work...daily

Choosing not to alienate you by sharing my feelings, and instead alienating you with my gift of song.

anyone wanna run off with me to a deserted island and start our own country? I get to be president

Why don’t we batten down things besides hatches Maybe other things want to be battened down as well

labubu is the singular form of labia

joy: you don’t owe me anything beethoven: what

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

The passion may have cooled after all these years but there are still plenty of things my wife and I enjoy doing together. Our favourite will always remain devising new and interesting ways to make each other miserable, though.

The best way to avoid wasting money on expensive dieting fads is by throwing away your bathroom scales and just enjoying life instead. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

Occasionally I’ll look at the cat and pity him for not being able to enjoy a coffee as well as for his relatively brief lifespan, but then I catch him licking his own genitals before settling down for an 18 hour nap and wonder who’s the real loser here?

not sure I’ll make it to heaven y’all my mail lady said I “get too many damn packages”

skyrizi with an ozempic chaser, please

I choo-choo-choose you (to be sacrificed to the Saint Valentine's chocolate volcano).

I'm the life of the pity party.

let’s get this party OVERRRRRRRRRRRRR

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re one of those people who do things, aren’t you

People who work in cyber security like to refer to the location of the bathroom as the "I pee address".

The illuminati might be able to manipulate world events, but I'd put my money on the illiterati in a knife fight against them.

Something I never thought I would say to my kids….. Don’t touch the dog’s asshole. He doesn’t like that

Can’t. Spooning my iPad.

Hey baby you wanna massage my quadratus lumborum?

Under Milk Wood but I’m dairy intolerant.

You shouldn't have to think of a skeet on a Monday.

Perimenopause implies that men named Perry should just stop.

oceans heave, forests breathe and I'm still stuck here

i like to assign a numerical value to the orgasms i get from my sex toys . vibe rater , is what im saying