Forewarned is forearmed whereas four armed will be either half an octopus or four slot machines in a trench coat.

math teacher: if you have 15 strips of bacon and four friends, two of whom want three strips each, one wants to have five, and the last wants none at all, what are you left with? me: one friend

Four legs good, two legs bad! A slogan that first came to George Orwell as he attempted to assemble a flat-pack table from IKEA.

me: please don’t judge me four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well

To liven up a pretty mid affair, I'm playing: Guillotine - Y/N?

Don't let others fight your fights for you.

Some YOLO teen showed me up at the skatepark so I fucked his mom.

4 million dollars and 2 nymphomaniacs would fix me...

got my sink all filled up with hellman’s, who’s ready to party?

Sorry, that post is too long to read this early in the morning

I'm celebrating Cinco De Mayo the proper way: Whiskey and cabbage.

I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. There are fewer MAGA hats for a start…

You gotta help me doc every night I wake someone from the couch and put them to bed and laugh when they don't make any sense and it has absolutely cursed my uh well I ruin jokes with language, with life

Don't give away a major plot point to a movie in the first few weeks of release. I can't stand Star Wars spoilers, Wordle spoilers, and spoilers on the back of cars.

I do try my un-level best.

I need to do things. *keeps poking at phone instead*

LADY: [Beside me on the train] Omg, were you at the Met Gala last night? ME: [In my He-Man costume, with my sword] The what now?

On this day and everyday, cilantro still tastes like soap.

I hope you all remembered to leave tacos and margaritas out for Santa last night

A kiddie menu and a beer, please.

It’s recess on Bluesky which means all the big accounts are huddled together trading reply guys like Pokemon cards.

but your honor, I caught him trying to ORGANIZE my junk drawer

May the Firth be with you.

him: it's been a long week me: it's Tuesday morning him: I said what I said

Read books, learn things. Don’t be a dumbass forever.

student phlebotomist told me “thank you for letting me take your blood” and I said “you want some more? I’ve got plenty to go around”

Everyone needs a friend who will give you a shirtless hug when you’re sad and then slap your ass and take you to lunch.

That’s enough, I shouted, as the bride’s vows went into a fourth bullet point.

dentist: count backwards from 10, please me: *nervous* 10, 9, 8, 7, … this is almost as fun as being at the dmv dentist: yeah my license is suspended me: 6, 5, 4, 3, … how’d you lose your driver’s license? dentist: driver’s license?

whenever I play golf I like to shout “four!” to remind everyone how many multifamily housing complexes could be built on each hole

Agggh I had a wet nightmare

An adult happy meal is just one they didn’t have to pick or cook.

Equal parts "genius" and "absolutely not thinking this through"

Time management where you can add the hours together that you didn't do shit.

Forewarned is forearmed whereas four armed will be either half an octopus or four slot machines in a trench coat.

ballet instructor: for the recital, your daughter will need a tutu me: so a four? daughter: he’s not my real dad

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

You can’t be bothered to separate your laundry or fact from fiction.

The number four is useless. Have a good day.

Maybe it’s the doom that’s scrolling us.

*resets hyperfixation

i’ll sleep when im dead . and also when im watching tv . and when im reading a book . and when im in a movie theater. and when im driving. and when

the heart wants what the heart wants. Mine wants cheese.

Where are all the buttdogs?

I might dance today and flash my neighbour

“I’m not even lying,” they lied

There's about 200 calories in a donut. If I eat 6 a day and nothing else, I'd "technically" still be on a diet.

Reverse sear sounds like a preemptive verbal burn.

I need to remove a gallbladder quickly, so I found an old how to book. Every time the phrase "tree stump" appears, it's crossed out and "gallbladder" is written in. Wish me luck!

I looked him right in the eye and I said to him, calmly but firmly, I remember this like it was yesterday and I swear this on my mother's grave, I said I said, "Hi.".