The secret to being a 𝗀̶𝗈̶𝗈̶𝖽̶ dad can be summed up in 4 words: “Go ask your mother”

He drinks a whisky drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a lager drink He drinks a cider drink He finally feels able to go into work on Monday morning

I was just told to ‘go lick Satan’s nutsack’ which as insults go is really quite inventive I think. I’m curious to know who taught it to my 7 year old though.

Imagine how scary it would be if birds really did appear every time you are near.

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

You smell like a decaying corpse..flirting

So the robot malfunctioned whilst “making love” to the victim ? (me being a forensic scientist in the near future examining a clump of indistinguishable human remains) Sure okay send in the clown

Bubble up,baby (first date)

There's so much junk in my trunk that it flips my lid.

It’s called life but pronounced what the fuck is this bullshit.

when I played ball I was a game changer… after I got in my team would start losing

another year where i only find out that it's that horse racing day from people online bagging it as my colleagues couldn't give two shits about it and i am grateful for both the bagging and the lack of interest

Your soggy hotdog made my bun wet, and other tales.

a decent bidet bids you adoo.

You seem to be going through something. Do you need a cookie?

Spring forward, Fall back into seasonal depression.

A more realistic version of NGL called LGF (likely gonna fib)

as salt lowers the freezing point of liquids, if i ate a bag of pretzels would that make me feel warmer?

Picturing how a bat driving out of hell would look. Maybe a human size bat in a regular car, could be a tiny bat in a tiny car, or maybe a bunch of tiny bats all clumped together working as a team to drive a regular sized car. Did you have any other questions while you had me pulled over, officer?

Think your Sunday was rough? Flavor Flav had to turn back all of his jewelry.

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

“HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!”

I think I’m ready to start eating competitively.

Huey Lewis: *falls and breaks pelvis* The News: Hip to repair

The good news is that what I thought was a rat was actually just the kid's hamster. The bad news is that I'd already kicked it over the fence before I realised. Oops…

Making her snort laugh is just as good as making her panties wet

all this bluster from a two-bit huckster

Policeman: Put your hands up. Me: You didn’t say Simon says put your hands up.

Clock babaloobop a clock bam boom!

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Another tiny, entitled vampire tonight for Halloween. He didn't even bother with a compelling argument for the candy, just shook his bag at me like a tiny, silent landlord collecting rent.

The Waffle House at midnight. A drunk concert goers best friend.

Sorry I had to mute you but I don't like looking at your face nearly as much as you clearly do

if you make the group chat green i will hunt you and your children and your children's children until your bloodline fades from all earthly memory

pls vote tomorrow and if you do vote pls don’t fuck it up

happy no nut november to all who celibate

daylight can only be saved if it wants to be saved

Maybe getting fixed would break me.

Did we do it? Did we save daylight?

i blame disney films for making me believe birds would brush my hair

Nice try no caller ID but I don’t answer the phone to people I know never mind people I don’t.

I am a full-time procrastinator.

“giddy up, jingle horse!! pick up your feet!!” sounds like something my homophobic gym teacher would scream at me while running laps after school.

me: they’re coming for healthcare & they’ve taken away food benefits guy: oh snap me: what

When I hear “fantasy” I don’t think “football.” I’m thinking more “zero gravity threesome with chocolate sauce.”

Living life with the ringer off

*performs a lobotomy and plays the empty recycle bin sound*

The end of daylight saving time is fun because we get to enjoy an extra hour of the dumbest time in history.

If you're driving on the sidewalk, does it still count as road rage?

Hey, can I talk to your dog for a minute?