My alabaster milk child Teuton keeps asking for ranch dressing at the caviar factory, it is most epic. The fishmongers despise him.

Speed dating is where you have to tell Keanu Reeves a little bit about yourself or this bus will explode

Forewarned is forearmed whereas four armed will be either half an octopus or four slot machines in a trench coat.

This day in history. 553. The Second Council of Constantinople began but I can't help you if you didn't see the First Council of Constantinople.

The people in that emergency life raft are more relaxed than I’ve ever been

IT WAS CALLED THE SCHOLASTIC BOOK FAIR AND THEY BROUGHT THE BOOKS TO THE SCHOOL AND SET IT UP LIKE A BOOKSTORE AND YOU COULD GET GOOSEBUMPS AND FEAR STREET BOOKS BUT ALSO MICHAEL JORDAN POSTERS AND NICKELODEON BOOKMARKS AND PENCILS THAT SMELLED LIKE CUPCAKES

if 8675309 then the 75th president better watch tf out

I do try my un-level best.

Me: How do I *feel*? Crippled by sorrow. Imprisoned in my own consciousness. Like a man with no parachute in a burning plane Dr: I meant your ankle

Charlottesville used bookstore’s got game

A person so “extra” you call ‘em “DLC.”

I’ve never met a cat I didn’t love immediately

A mum comforts her little boy on the bus. He is crying about something. She says, ‘It’s ok. Have a good cry.’ Man nearby: Well done. We’re so bad at letting boys just feel sad.

This Wisconsin tornado outbreak is like catching weather herpes from Oklahoma. 🌪️🫨😷

A fart so silent but deadly you are invited to the Shaolin Monastery

How it feels doing literally any task right now.

I’m honestly so ready for this weird chapter to end because genuinely all I want is to take care of myself again.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

[cocks my shotgun, laying across my lap as a rock in a wooden chair, as I guard my sourdough starter]

🎶 All my exes deserve hexes… 🎶

This day in history. 2007. Rhianna released Umbrella. The extra syllable in umbrella doesn't bother me at all I say as I dig my fingertips into my skull.

I needed to buy carrots this week, and my local supermarket had a bag of “ugly” ones. Anyway, please enjoy this selection of sexy leggy carrots.

Reykjavik, Iceland 🇮🇸 #StunDay #photography

You know how in a library no one’s trying to sell you anything? That’s how the internet was.

Just updated my dystopian reality CV with “professional whimsy chaser.”

I do wonder what your cats think about all this.

More than 25 years on from filming The Lord of the Rings, Frodo Baggins actor Elijah Wood has said he's still trying to finish reading the books. https://bit.ly/3PwRWsZ

we used to use the internet as an escape. now we can’t escape the internet

cats are so dope well done cats

Hi, I’d like to return these turtles. They don’t do karate

in an alternate universe there’s a cat that loves mondays and hates lasagna

"You didn’t cut enough. Murder more of your darlings." —Wednesday Addams, Senior Editor

"i" before "e" and "t" before "zsche" ✨unless void✨. —Thus Spoke Zarathustra #Nietzsche

Turns to snow

Morning.

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

Today I Will Look The Burrito Man In The Eye and other stories of manifesting success

Gather ye rosebuds mfrs

For all its faults, and all the faults of social media generally, Bluesky is also where World Book Day and Hammer Films can both be trending topics. (Take the good where you can find it!)

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

some shit is about to go down

The portrait is out of the attic.

𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺’𝘴 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 is my favorite film about deviled eggs.

In an alternate universe, this is my Statue of Liberty.