First date idea MM DD YYYY Second date idea DD MM YYYY

Assert dominance by cropdusting the grocery store checkout line

Woke up with a fat ass again.

Hotel hair dryers. Because who doesn’t enjoy starting the day with the smell of someone else’s burnt hair?

I’m pretty sure if you were a dinosaur you’d be a Finesaurus Rex or maybe a Voluptua Raptor.

Grope me in public and fingerfuck me in the abandoned alley 🥺

“You sure about this, Dad?” “Both Yelp reviews were fantastic.” “I know, but-“ “Hop out, kid.”

I’m not autistic, I’m acetaminodivergent.

My favorite kind of acetaminophen is Tylenol Rapid Release the Epstein Files.

Eat my ass and tell me I’m pretty.

The answer to "there's too much sex in tv and movies" is "please list examples so I may review them"

It takes me 9 seconds to write a text and 17 minutes to find the right emoji to add to it

the heel is the butt of the foot

People liking this skeet last night reminded me to do it. I’m playing bluesky chess here

Everyone has their own ways of gauging their mental health. For me, I remember my rock bottom, and ask myself: “Yes, but am I depressed enough to consider joining a church?”

I’d eat your ass every morning for breakfast if I could. Yes, yours.

Do men not know that "send a pic" is pretty much the most annoying text on the planet?

If everyone knew how brutally sadistic reindeer games are, the nature of that song would drastically change.

Gonna start fresh with some ass eating skeets.

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Edit button, Draft folder, Locked accts

tylenol PM causes autistic vampires

once i pay it’s mine and you’re not my mom

Let’s FACE it, Doris wasn’t going to lose her luggage, ever again

A rapture in your butt is a rumpture

There is not enough couple swapping on this app and it shows...

Fuck fall and the pumpkin spice latte it rode on.

Morning ☕️🥱

Rapture this and rapture that, how about you rap your mouth arou—

As I was saying…

Think I’ll sit on the other side of the couch tonight. You know, mix things up a bit.

Now selling t-shirts: Rejected at the Gates, Class of 2025.

taking tylenol PM so i am only autistic at night

pants is short for punk-ass ants

Rapture my hole > Rapture my soul

It’s titty Tuesday and I wish mine were being sucked and licked rn 🥲 🍒

There are so many hot guys in this porta-potty

am i the only asshole that knows what a superlative is or am I the only asshole who cares you're all doing it wrong

More like a crapture amirite?

We walked so they could run.

Happy Rapture to those who are chosen to celebrate.

Rapture these boobs.

see the rapture ain’t happening because youse all disrespected it by not using its preferred name

My sight grows dim with age, wait *turns on kitchen light* false alarm

#TittyTuesday Moobs are still the go to fall fashion style...

Don't you dare put that baby in pelican mouth.