Big shoutout to the first person who left the party early breaking the seal for other people to say they are heading out too

..and then I have to deal with fry theft?! in this economy?!

At the point of summer where I play the game, Am I watering a weed?

mom used to put notes in my lunchbox when I was a kid which was really nice, food would've been nicer

tip 1: have really big tits

I can’t live with anyone who leaves leftover time on the microwave

My jokes are a steady stream of comedy gold, a golden shower if you will.

“After several rounds of clinical trials with a control group, we can confirm that anyone marked by the imprint of suffering from Ranggnarr, The God of Mosquitos, is far more likely to be bitten by the insect deity’s loyal worshippers,” said Entomology Department Head Marcus Falwell

Today's Low Quality Ad is for this "Menace To Sobriety" Pin. It is a very funny pin to own. Unless you have a drinking problem. Then it is very concerning and I hope you get the help you need. collabs.shop/lwg1gs

You’ve imagined your last dragon

So, I'm trying to raise $998 and also is anyone available to help carrying something into my house later this week?

"You can't make this stuff up." Oh, you have no idea what goes on inside my head then.

Starting a news outlet that reports solely on the Reflecting Pool situation and calling it Algaezeera.

#TechBands The Google Dolls

Not sure what day I have to be in the barn to milk next week. I’d better check my cowlendar.

The call is coming from inside the jailhouse. (And you only get one.)

You’re on thick ice, mister, you’re ok, everybody’s ok

Is there something wrong babe? You've barely reskeeted my midposts

Put ‘em on the White House lawn

Making sex work illegal hasn’t stopped it in thousands of years, but sure, keep trying.

young, dumb, and full of soccer

any day can be a sick day when you’re sick of this shit

travel pillow ✔️ snacks ✔️ clean socks ✔️ brightly coloured gonch ✔️ orange cat ✔️ LET'S GET TO THE AIRPORT

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 “𝗼𝗼𝗽𝘀” 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿.

*you're

Me, at my hearing: “Your Honor, that’s crazy. I only climbed through his window to make sure his alarm was set for work.”

He definitely voted red.

Brb, gotta take my hot bowl of cold soup out from the microwave.

Ah. That’s what you call it. I always thought it was ‘you can’t sit with us’-ism.

90s kids are built different. We drank from a garden hose ffs.

I don’t have a type, just a pattern of bad decisions.

Why did they call them famous brand ambassadors and not 'sellebrities'

“reverse cowgirl so we can both keep watching-“ NO, YOU BETTER PAY ME ATTENTION DAMN IT

666: the number of the beast 668: the neighbor of the beast

Welcome to Doomsday Club. This will be our last meeting.

The gap in my resume is where I stopped wanting to work with a bunch of stupid assholes. 🌠

If the church actually cared about morality, they wouldn’t have a fund specifically for paying off abuse settlements.

I'm not a failure. I'm a dedicated contrarian.

Bunnicula!!

Why are we having a debate about air conditioning when we could be getting on with using solar power to make all the air conditioning work

#FuckAFollowerFriday cause out of town strange is way better than local strange...

looking for my soulmate does anyone else love burpin up ramen and cucumbers

i never use division unless i half two

Overboiled pasta and regrets, a drama to live, a comedy to watch

making coffee with pasta water

clever clever comma boring exclamation point

There’s something truly special about eating ice cream in bed.

Might go to work, might pop ten wheelies. It’s summer. Life’s a dance

Had a dream about a roller derby girl sitting on my face again.

If you ever see me doing a backflip, please note it was completely unexpected, please call an ambulance.