If you really loved me you’d give me a cheese allowance

PANIC! at the grocery checkout

Bow tie pasta implies the existence of the rest of the outfit pasta. You’ve been holding out on us, Barilla

I told my psychiatrist that I was hearing voices. "You don't have a psychiatrist", he said

Had a therapy appointment. I’m sure she booked her next therapist appointment after it.

What is the root of all evil: 1. Greed 2. Ignorance 3. Religion 4. Ppl who don’t eat their pizza crust

Fuck This Friday.

Yes weather app I know how many years it’s been since my last Real Feel you don’t have to rub it in

Waking up on the wrong side of bed means I’ve slept somewhere I shouldn’t have.

He finally got one in on her

if you see something (drugs) say something (take them)

Thinking about joining some kind of dick gym cause I’m tired of being told I have a fat cock

revenge is a dish best served with fettuccine alfredo bc heart disease is no joke and i’m playing the long game

Mom, I don’t like you like that…

This meeting could’ve been a barroom brawl.

Did you know the harder you work the more you can get away with?

You're welcome.

This is the quietest Friday morning ever. Wake the fuck up!!!!

I said "FUCK YES"

*lips on mic* STAY WARM MOTHERFUCKERS

Me and all my friends...

#FuckAFollowerFriday before the ice storm hits and you don't want to take any clothes off...

Knees are the elbows of the legs

Look at this strawberry's beautiful ass

You know how normal humans get baby fever? I have kitten fever. 😭😭😭

Has the kink community ever gotten over not snatching up the GoDaddy domain name?

Remember in 1993, when the Bills idiot owner forced out the general manager who built the Super Bowl teams and within a year, the dynasty ended and the team sucked for 2 decades? Thinking about that for absolutely no reason at all today

they say everyone has a doppelgänger out in the world somewhere so this post is for mine: GIRL YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR

Who wants to come over and suck on My titties..you know..as friends 👀 I can return the favor ~

My cat never says he loves me back. My dogs say it first

Day 3 of my ankle injury: I have memorized the patterns on the ceiling. I have named the dust bunnies. My car probably thinks I’ve passed away

If you forget the extra u when spelling words in Canada you go straight to jail.

Don't talk to me 'til I've had my second cup of glitter

My ankle is currently twice its original size and I’ve run out of people to text for sympathy, so now I’m just trauma-dumping on Alexa. She has to listen to me. It’s in her terms of service

Felt cute, might delete later

First date idea: We meet at the grocery store in the snack aisle.

who called it a good orgasm and not a positive outcome

Cancel that maternity test folks, I think we know she’s mine.

Lipstick lesbians still do it for me...

A big storm is coming and it's going to snow until Monday. Everyone at the grocery store is panic buying which really cuts into my own panic buying. There's going to be a royal rumble in here

her: maybe i should join a dating app me: have you tried eating a hotdog at Costco? Happy Thirsty Thursday to all who participate!

75 years ago, Alfred Hitchcock made Rear Window, a movie about shitposters succumbing to social media psychosis.

😩

I invented a new genre of music called "browngrass". It's like bluegrass, but all the songs are about the tragedy of poor lawn maintenance.

Gotta love a good hop Cartoon by Sarah Andersen

“Dad always said he didn’t want his body to just rot in the ground when there was so much humanity could learn by vacuum-sealing it with aromatics in a 135-degree water bath for two hours before finishing with a quick sear,” said Jasper Weaver’s son Jacob

You’re watering your plants, I’m watering my pants. We are not the same.

ICE Agents Wait At Edge Of Delivery Table To Deport Newborn

You’re doing your chores, I’m doing my whores. We are not the same