The Strait of Hormuz, is open for transit

It is not only Steak & BJ Day, it is also Saturday. There should be no damn excuses...

Guy is obviously having a great day, shirtless and barefoot and smoking a huge doobie on the walking trail, and all I can hear is my grandma saying “that’s how you get ringworm”

Secret Slutty Preacher's Wife > Regular Preacher's Wife...

Longing for a kraken to drag me down to the watery depths of the ocean where I can shitpost in peace.

Insert Cowboys joke

i wish banksy would do a mural on the side of my house of me eating a muffin by a dumpster

me: lol wait I blinked, do it again cop taking my mugshot: no

Boss: is it so hard to replace the paper when it runs out in the copier? Me: where are you supposed to put it? *giggles internally Boss: in that slot right there Me: that’s what your mom sa- Co-worker: just replace the goddamn paper.

ME: It's a kid's movie about a dragon who disguises himself as a nanny PRODUCER: Keep talking ME: called Mrs Mouthfire HIM: Get out

Get down with the silliness

Me: *came up with a comeback to your insult 1 day later so ima shadow box the fuck out of that thought finally coming out.

Made it to Friday but at what cost? Monday is literally in 30 minutes.

Never give up

#FuckAFollowerFriday but try to keep it local cause gas prices are going through the roof...

going topless in public and claiming it was a nipslip >>>

it’s a single burnt nugget on stale bread wrapped in a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed your parents

My doctor told me I have the spine of a much older man. I said, "Doc, I’m sixty-two, how much older do I need to get?”

Why Do Some People Still Wear Masks In 2026 And On A Completely Unrelated Note Why Is Everyone In The Office Sick Right Now Apart From The Guy In The Mask?

Fake News

I have often been referred to as, and I quote, 'a reliable piece of meat'...

A ghost saw me but no one believes him.

pancakes are just cake masquerading as a meal you're eating cake, admit it

spending a day at the mall w fun friends and sbarros money would fix me

you know what, go ahead and put in the newspaper that i got mad

Being an artist #oc

how many shitposts until I find god

Listen horrors... if you're going to persist, we're going to need a safe word.

first date idea: we get stuck at a dull party while rescuing the vibe (and you are a hot comedian)

Cop: any drugs in the car? Me: not anymore

For once, I would like for Hope to be filled with me! Anyone here named Hope???

*shaves my pubic hair into porkchop sideburns

Her: Have you seen the dog bowl? Him: No but I’ve seen him catch a tennis ball

who called it an american express credit card statement instead of an ae iou

I cannot be stopped

Maybe we have enough Jurassic Park movies.

Why is getting fucked next to your partner so romantic...

My cat sleeps all day and then keeps me awake all night so this gave me a good laugh. Credit - @dagnylill on Instagram

Bluesky is just Twitter’s retirement community

State of the art portable entertainment system spotted in Antwerp.

I genuinely do not think that anyone who has never been in a content creation job will ever truly understand how demanding it is to always *need* to make content imagine if doing laundry required creativity. imagine if you had to film, edit, and market it, with a high frequency output.

me and the homies are coming to get your ass

Please remember, a customer is not your owner, or your Daddy, or whatever the hell you call it, they can fuck right off with their self-entitled arrogence after a certain point...