“A 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe cheek swelling. Subsequent contact tracing determined the patient had contracted Mar-a-Lago face via a brief exposure to respiratory droplets from Kimberly Guilfoyle.”

After Ernie left, Bert’s life became an amphetamine-fueled whirlwind of after-hours parties, drunken Grindr hook-ups, and multiple arrests for public indecency, finally ending in a stay at the Betty Ford Clinic for “exhaustion” and his membership in the Church of Scientology.

Ladies, if you want men to remember what you said, you have to include a date and call it the Battle of (insert some random town or street name or household appliance, etc., etc.)...

BREAKING: 🚨🇮🇱🇮🇷 Archaeologists in the Holy Land just uncovered a 3,000-year-old Israelite tablet… It reads: “Iran is 12 days away from developing a nuclear weapon.”

I grilled a chicken for two hours… Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road

I hope you all remembered to leave tacos and margaritas out for Santa last night

FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME “What that? License and registration? Yes sir, one moment.”

A commonly shared Super Mario Bros. fact is that "the clouds and bushes are the same", but the bushes only use half the cloud graphics. However, this statement turns out to be completely true for WarioWare: Twisted, where the bushes are actually just full green clouds buried halfway in the ground.

...

I am just a little girl in a big, scary world.

Djo: “Tina Turner’s hair is a character all by itself.” Me: “When is her hair never the main character? Good god.” “She is 90% legs and 95% hair.” “And somehow, that math makes sense.”

if you or a loved one has been a victim of an MLM, please text “i’m an idiot” to 3862277.

#TittyTuesday Making Moobs Magnificent, Maybe...

LISTEN UP EVERYONE!!! You are required to take a shot for me today! Or chug or sip will work too!

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

A nice dick being slapped on my pussy would be amazing rn

cinco de mayo landing on a taco tuesday this year is the new singularity

I’m totally disappointed in the Iranian hackers for not digging up the hidden files of the Epstein files 😬.

Welcome to your 50’s. You pluck out one chin hair, three more grow back in its place

4 million dollars and 2 nymphomaniacs would fix me...

Pronounces number like number.

If you ask the Jehovah’s Witness to come in and live with you they can’t say no

Doing the Benadryl challenge, but it's just me taking as many as possible on the daily without clawing my skin off

Well felonies speak even louder than regular actions

At last a good news story.

Freshly CPR recertified. Who's ready to make out err I mean pass out?

[restaurant] DATE: I’ll have the chicken. WAITER: And you, sir? ME: The steak. Aren’t you going to write our orders down? WAITER: No, I have a great memory. ME: Prove it. WAITER: The blonde you came in with last Wednesday was much hotter. DATE: Hey! ME: No, he’s right.

I acknowledge this young lady is having trouble with her love life but would it have killed her to use a few commas & full stops?

return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi

A little bit of bolognese in my life, A little bit of pesto on the side, A little puttanesca here I am, A little bit of this goes in the pan.

People paying hundreds of dollars to cleanse their colon when $7 worth of Taco Bell does the exact same thing.

Same energy:

What I'm wearing to the Met Gala

In the future fiction authors are gonna have some stiff competition with historians.

Any fans of the 1986 film, Short Circuit?

may the farts be with you

May the 4th be with you 🌌

Friend: How’s the diet going? Me: *scraping cheese off the pizza box with my teeth* Fine.

There are two types of people: May 4th people and May 5th people. And then there are those of us bringing a lightsaber to the taqueria.

It’s already “take over Cuba season”, I’m still wearing my “annihilate Iran & take over the Strait” shoes- how embarrassing

I'm the primary bread loser in my family

a cat would make a terrible police officer

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

Off to a barbecue. 10-year-old son: “Is it going to be one of those adult barbecues where everyone’s just ‘chatting?” The word ‘chatting’ could not have been delivered with more disdain.

Okay, I finally went on bluesky on my computer and my gosh are y'all some good lookin people!

Reaaaally frozen dinner....5 hours in a conventional oven or 3 1/2 minutes in the microwave???? Just..why? Don't even put that on there!