Me: Pull the plug, I’m ready Doc: But you’re not sick? Me: Coward

Serotonin: “You knew what this was.”

*removes gag ball to make Face ID purchase

I asked Calgon to take me away but instead he just handed me a toaster

Very fucking elegantly. Good morning! 🩷

I am going to live as long as possible even if it kills me.

the cuteness

This fresh hell tastes like they used margarine

Woman Trying To Find Nonpolitical Way To Say Her Cleaner Was Deported https://theonion.com/woman-trying-to-find-nonpolitical-way-to-say-her-cleaner-was-deported/

revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate

Me: society is a hellscape Also Me: I wish there was a dairy queen near me

It’s not true love until you know their ALT account

Bank of America proudly introduces the Heirloom Mortgage: so good, you'll hand it down to your children. If they qualify.

me, as a therapist: omg samesies

I have a junk food problem. I don't have any . . .

sitting in an Amazon box so my cats will think I’m sooooo precious

Netflix and stop talking to me tryna hear what they’re sayin

As a semi-sane person I had no idea I'd be yelling at my microwave and dryer this often

cmon one of us must have enough money to start an app just for shitposters

At the risk of sounding like your dad: spend the extra money and buy the good snow brush for your car

Heroes are who love and live each and every day.

Leaving a warm bed on a cold day is a deadly sin like im gonna die if i do it

I just wanna be rich enough to build a house with a quicksand moat around it

My imaginary friends just cancelled plans with me.

#TittyTuesday These moobs have made an offer to be the next HC of the Giants...

No regrets November

Like a gargoyle trapped within a white picket fence.

girls don't want boys girls want mashed potatoes

Good morning. ☕

Good morning ☀️

cdc recommends you be rich, ya loser

Since we are approaching winter time, please remember, it is snowballing season once again...

There's a Winter Storm Watch in East Tennessee, because we may see up to 6.... Individual snowflakes fall from the sky.

Any time I don’t know the answer to a question, I say “the surgeon was the boy’s mother” just in case

my to do list is so long it may as well be a fantasy novel

Calgon never took me away

I can still dance the night away but only until around 11 pm

There’s no “I” in “you suck”

writing it "f*ck" sickens me. a coward's curse. say fuck or find a different word. get that nasty starfish asshole out of my sight

Picturing the first guy to ever write a yelp review

3I/Atlas made me do it.

⚠️SEND THE ISS YOUR PISS⚠️

I recently opened a company selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Last night my uncle passed away and the nurses put his heartbeat in a little bottle for my aunt to keep 🥺

I think it should be against the law to get out of bed when you don’t want to.

Squirt is beaver shots.