You say my cat hates you, I say aggresive love

A new Star Wars series about a shady Sith lawyer will be titled Better Call Maul.

I miss not having a cat try to kill me on the stairs every morning.

Thought of the Day: My daddy always told me that you can’t catch a fish unless they open their mouths

Waking up on a Monday and realising you have Monday off, is a Monday miracle.

One time when I was a kid, I threatened to run away. My mom helped me pack up some food for my journey. I'm not sure what the lesson was, but I didn't go.

I just sneezed so hard a fart snuck out at the same time

You aren’t my sunshine…my only sunshine.

I hung two shirts and folded 3 pairs of sweatpants so now I'm resting with a joint

Ok, see? I would tell yall when I aint here but I never was all there anyway *Jazz Hands*

Reminder to toss that thing out in the fridge, its no good.

Squirrels have it made. They forage for food all day while doing parkour and when the weather sucks, they just stay in bed for days.

The meaning of life is just 10 stops away bro

In the garden flipping over grass to see if the other side is greener but nope just dirt.

Fishing is a great activity to do alone especially if you're a master baiter.

I’m confused, why don’t we wear Velcro shoes anymore?

In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea.

Forgetfulness is a part of aging... for example this week I forgot how to sleep.

Me: I don't need both oven mitts to do this. Narrator: He was wrong.

Might wear my Fine Dining shorts this evening

I don't judge other people's kink. Even really weird and depraved ones like yours.

What happens in Aldi, stays in Aldi

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

They called it sparkling water instead of destilled water, just to avoid confusion at the grocery stores and pharmacies.

Accuse me of an idle threat again and I will be warning you

sorry I haven’t been online lately been trying to open this childproof cap

Naked and afraid because I'm lost inside an Ikea and forgot which bed I left my clothes on.

The Artemis II crew still hasn't told us about the second moon they found behind the first one.

Thx is short for Thanks which is used when you're grateful, but not enough to actually type three extra characters.

*climbs up onto a bench and spins the clock arms forward to finishing time climbs down backs away while maintaining eye contact*

Many of you have been very supportive this last month while I’ve lost my mind prepping to move. THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart, you’re the best. No, not you. The other guy.

i'm busy trademarking some refreshing, naturally-flavored sparkling pants called La Corduroix

Disappointed to learn Wolf Spiders don’t hunt in packs and howl at the moon.

We hit a bump and now everyone on the bus knows that my briefcase is just filled with hotdogs

*unhides valley ranch*

might start saying the p in receipt

this meeting could’ve been an x-files standalone episode

you can add -e to any word to class it up, farte, cocke, balle, cume, turde, it works on anything. the e stands for 'elegance'

Pretty sure my “I AM CROSSING THIS STREET AND IF YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR I WILL FUCK YOU UP” look is perfected. I have not almost got run over for a week now.

hey y'all shit is way crazy and fucked up. but we still have music to speak truth to our situation: m.youtube.com/watch?v=bWXa...

Friday New Music Finds: New to me band called Scarhaven. Sounds a lot like bad motor finger era Soundgarden to my ears- m.youtube.com/watch?v=upNg...

Lumbar support? Mine gave me a big hug and whispered "it's not your fault"

Shoveling old fashioned sugar cookies in my mouth while critiquing love scenes

Don't judge someone by the meds they take, you may very be the reason they're taking them.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I had really bad heartburn last night, from eating SALAD, and I don’t think that’s fair.

on my way to get a second ice coffee

I don’t care how healthy they are, Barbara, I cannot risk putting my hand in my purse and pulling out a handful of rotten banana again

This email should've been a meeting. This is a very serious problem, actually

MTV’s Cribs but it’s spiders showing off their webs.