Eventually, the void will have to defend itself. Enough with the shaming

There is a fine line, between loving your pet and worshiping it like a god, and cats don't seem willing to forget that old egyptian success story

Your side quest or mine?

My wifeʼs stink eye is a small craft advisory for my nether regions.

do you check starter packs for your name from ppl who don’t even follow you or are you normal ?

I like whatever is wrong with you

I pronounce “marinara” differently depending on who I’m with

Anyone aggressively telling you how to live is the enemy.

Wildflowers are not just pretty; they are tiny superheroes that protect crops and insects. Farmers who embrace nature's solutions demonstrate that beauty and productivity can coexist.

Singing "The Wheels on the Bus" at the top of my lungs even though I don't know the words.

actually it's pronounced 'jroup chat'

Kept calm. Carried on. Awaiting further instructions.

I used to livestream - Colorado River

The only mother I recognize is the one who makes those pink frosted animal cookies.

I'm going to need a McDonald's fried apple pie locator.

egg is egg, noodle is noodle. egg is not a noodle. egg is pure. egg is not nude.

One cat is happily purring and taking a bath on my hip while the other sits up straight at the edge of the bed facing away from me into the dark unmoving all weird and blair witchy, probably would react the same way demon or not

me: *going through mail* ugh I hate invitations her: haha join the club me: did you hear what I just said

I get that you're angry. Who in their right mind isn't? But are you dismantling a Pontiac Grand Prix using only a splitting maul angry? That's the stuff, man

hey don’t rain on my charade

The dialogue I'm writing for these He-Man Cartoons with the sound off is way better than what they really said.

Gary’s appreciation for walnuts in cookies grew as he aged and his ability to taste diminished

We definitely eat Cheetos because of the health benefits.

Your “joke” disgusts me. My chicken died crossing a road.

I hate when people don't exclude me from the conversation.

Super into being dangerously optimistic rn

Good morning to everyone waking up alone and tormented.

Currently writing a ransom note that starts with "I hope this ransom note finds you well" and ends with "I apologize for any disruption to your weekly schedule"

Our Rhinosaurus Phantasmagoria is flowering beautifully in the rain today. This is where the blackbirds nest in our garden, and it’s right next to my coffee spot. The weekend is coming peeps. #NoDoomThanks

airbrushing my best nudes to prepare for Thirsty Thursday™

Decided to retire from insomnia

Small paradise next to us

Sleep is overrated, she lies

Starting to think I shouldn’t have drank from the Reflecting Pool.

Medicinal

It’s bloomsday, let’s rejoyce.

wtf is wrong with you, she praised

Local fauna in a beautiful display

I don't know about you, but I'd like to see Argentina vs Portugal in the quarter finals

How can you expect grace if you can’t give it to anyone?

an iced coffee to cure the depression

the older I get, the fucker the no

group therapy this evening to help me learn to listen to others and other bullshit reasons

Fuel prices decreased but were still elevated. Gary boosted his mileage by adding a shot of espresso and filling his shoes with cold foam.

Beware of people acting like they are adults when in fact they are just old children.

I’m, like, 80% stupider now than I was 5 days ago, and I was pretty goddam stupid then.

Only thing I fucking know for sure is when you fucking know, make sure they fucking know

You are always fucking free to fall in love

Sorry to those that fucking thought by escaping to a new platform you could avoid my fuckery