"Look at what he said..." has become the new "But what was she wearing".

When they say "there is free speech, and there is hate speech", what they are really saying is that there is speech you can be punished for, and we get to decide what that is.

You can't post Rumi quotes AND have me blocked. Pick a lane.

You guys picked the wrong app 😂

How's everyone over here in Blue MAGA doing?

Is transcendent when you violently try to still yourself from shaking with rage or what

We all have way more things in common than things we don't. It'd be neat if we all realised that.

I just want to be rich enough to eat at a place that doesn't have pictures in the menu.

I've got big naturals.

Vaccines: Show me the research! Ozempic: SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!

To find clean human blood samples that do not contain bio-persistent C-8 and PFAS chemicals like those used in Teflon and Gore-Tex, scientists had to go back to blood samples from the Korean War. What are you even doing with your life, you lazy piece of shit.

It’s a lot of pressure knowing the fate of humanity rests on people liking your posts

The Gas Station Sushi Chef sheds a single tear, as yet another online comment maligns his art.

Hanging out with all my friends.

I like it in movies when a guy switches from his hair being slicked back to pulled down over his forehead to indicate to the audience that he’s going sicko mode

I didn't mean any harm I meant a very specific one.

I'm at the age where I remind everyone to bring a coat because it might be a bit cool outside.

You can't be cool by trying to be cool, or by not trying to be cool. We'll let you know.

Oh, The Places You'll Go (fuck yourself)!

Hippies are always talking about free love, but when it comes time to put out there's always some excuse.

I shared my psychiatric history with you please respond

*Farnsworth voice* good news everybody

When I develop interest in someone, I draft an “are you mad at me?” text and the clock starts ticking.

It doesn’t make any difference if it’s Monday or Friday when you’re just riding things out.

The politically correct term is "sneaky fuckin' Russians".

I'm the strong and won't shut up type.

I'll be keeping you in my second thoughts.

I've decided to be an oligarch.

Scrolling and (re)posting like nobody can stop me, not even myself

I don’t feel well, but I’m not worried, it’s just absolutely everything.

🎶What the world needs now Is love, sweet love And also a big fuckin asteroid🎶

Tried being reasonable once and that was pretty fucking dumb.

You still have hopes and dreams? Are you high?

When you write a serious reply to an obvious joke.

I'm sorry for what I said when I was right and you were wrong.

cool baby, did it ask to be born?

All I want is to have a good day like Ice Cube had.

i am upset that people don't like me. how dare they.

Is it weird that I've made Funko Pops of all of you?

So, what’s everyone’s plans for the workweek? Steve, how about you?

Movie review. I looked at my phone 5 times and got up to pee twice (without pausing).

Can't stand people who let their empty beer bottles pile up around them. When you get up to get a fresh one, you put the empty one in the bin. It's really not that hard.

People who understand satire are on average, statistically 76% more attractive.