Israel says "Jump!". Trump says "I have a 48 inch vertical leap. Maybe the highest vertical leap of any president ever"

Nobody gets in if they've said mean things about him on Twitter.

Sometimes I do a little dance in my kitchen just to remind myself that the tyranny of the rat race is not yet final.

My honest opinion about mid December is that it should be the time for winding down, not being insane.

My country is becoming a bullshit country.

I like to tell jokes about both sides. Keeps me sharp. And universally disliked.

If you are going to be openly Italian, I support your lifestyle.

You're allowed to have 12 apps open at once if you are pure of heart.

I have crossed oceans of time to DM you "hey".

We need to let the team who made Tony Hawk's Pro Skater design an actual city from scratch.

I don't care who you are, I will always believe you before the government.

Streaming didn't kill cinema. $20 for popcorn and coke did.

Asked the barista for "normal milk" and I could literally see him composing a Bluesky post in his mind as he made my latte.

Not afraid of being criticised for failing by people who never tried.

We are eternal. Fear is an illusion. Pineapple can go on pizza.

It's weird how blue is either the best flavour or it's poison.

I love Christmas and I don't care if that's not cool.

Andrew Tate and Nick Fuentes is what happens when we allow college kids to police our speech for too long.

A $50 haircut should come with a happy ending.

Beliefs are just opinions that are impervious to new information.

Mind if I sit and stare at you lovingly while you write idiotic things on the internet?

I'm sure the sudden demonisation of cannabis has nothing to do with the rapidly declining use of alcohol.

My followers waiting for me to drop another banger.

I'm flattered, but I bet you meet all of the boys with extreme hostility.

"Had a haircut?" "Yep." - Men

I'm very much into freedom. Old women can dress like sluts if they want to.

20s: McDonald's drive through at 3am after a night of drinking 40s: "What's the sugar content of a banana?"

"Angry on the internet" is such an unfortunate personality.

I accidentally did my morning routine in the wrong order, so today is a write off.

Your identity isn't even that interesting. I'm more interested in how you think about the world.

"Living in the moment" starts at $100.

It's so over.

[Eating a fistful of ham] You know what the problem with your generation is?

Weird how a hoax is a threat to national security.

Every day is a gift. And sometimes that gift is socks.

We don't talk about how bad smells are also a little bit good too.

I'm casually inserting threats into daily chit chat now. "OK I'll catch up with you later" "No worries. Watch your back"

[Watching Frankenstein] I should make some new friends.

Boomers coming undone because of emails feels so right.

You're not a real adult until you miss someone every day of your life.

"Everyone here is so nice!" - Hot people

[Showering in my underwear when I stay at an Air BnB]

Steve Jobs never would have allowed this.

I'm never going to New York. Not because of the mayor. I just can't afford it.

Best I can do is like your post on social media in your time of need. Hope this helps.

You shouldn't judge people by their looks. Today, I saw a guy with tattoos all over his face, and I assumed he had a beautiful singing voice.

Character before ideology.

When they can't debate you, they diagnose you.