Reality is I'm probably fucking better than I let on but likely fucking worse than they think I am

Me choosing me and me choosing you and you choosing you and you choosing me

Seductively takes a double dose of cranberry pills

*dabs gravy on my wrists* let the seducing commence

If I met any of you in real life I would make myself appear so large

Today calls for some deep-fried pickles

RIP Walter Cronkite. You would have loved having to pause mid story to do an ad read for boner pills.

Dear Jesus, please protect me from ever hearing another political opinion from someone wearing a dirty Snap On Tools jacket. I can't. I just can't.

You ever notice how "ok don't take this personally" is always followed up with something really freaking personal

I've been fucking shaving and nuttin' all fucking November

I have to get my blood drawn today. Ive had tattoos. Im not afraid of needles. But I’m still dreading it.

Most of what I know about therapy comes from cartoons and The Sopranos

Me, five minutes after leaving the house: I have made a terrible mistake and must return to my nest immediately.

My butthole is a visual masterpiece, critics are calling it “unexpectedly symmetrical.”

Sometimes, in the morning, it takes me a year to wake up.

ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to be a dumb bitch on the internet

Some bees don't even appreciate their own knees cos body dysmorphia

My houseplant told me I've been overwatering it. This is especially hurtful because I'm the one who had to remind it that it's plastic.

Never be afraid to avoid new things.

I’ve said it once. I’ll say it a million times. If you post your wordle everyday I will block you.

If I've got to eat and train like an athlete then I pick sumo wrestler.

Na na na na Na na na na Hey hey hey Goodbye

Y'all need to touch more fucking ass

I need to find something new to sacrifice to the void

apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy

accidentally went to the grocery store the weekend before thanksgiving...is it everyone's first day on earth

I actually love being fucking insane at insane hours...fucking apropos

What you mean I only should have taken a fourth of it?

never met fucking serenity or a silence I couldn't fucking obliterate

We would make a beautiful fucking catastrophe

Dont go hatin' waterfalls or whatever the fuck those hot babes sang

it’s a miracle men haven’t gotten us all killed yet, the most incapable and limited creatures on the planet

i muted u so if u respond ill never see it again 💕

i’m working thru some shit, whatever

baby shut up

If I send you flowers it’s only because the gas station didn’t have enough corn dogs to make a bouquet

I’ll have my way with you and then throw some Werther’s Original on your pillow as I leave you wanting more. idgaf

Hell yeah women want to move out of this country. It’s a shethole.

Let’s get married in the metavertse

Following an apple cider vinegar gummy, Celsius, fiber bar, and coffee, my guts have to look like the end of Event Horizon

Just saw on a TikTok that as of yesterday, Nov 13, Voyager 1 is 1 full light day away from Earth. My inner dweeb is totally fascinated by this.

A little sea-bathing would fix me.

I want a fucking good time, great fuck and a best fucking friend

Feel like a fucking psychopath getting up and drinking fucking water not coffee...100% fucking serial killer shit

I'm fucking cool with being an unsolved murder ~me flirting

Lmao ESPN headline: “Is Dallas ready to go on a run?” Then you see their next four opponents. Eagles, Chiefs, Lions, Vikings

earth decides to tilt its ass into deep space and i have to spend the next six months freezing mine off

I wonder how many fewer fucking things I'd wonder if I fucking had you, best you have no fucking idea

Sorta fucking love how we genXers made things fucking better and also way fucking worse...so on fucking brand

“You drive, I’m tired.”