"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

this never actually happened, it's just an herbin' legend

Do you think I can can get someone pretty to choke me to sleep on this flight?

The bare minimum is not romantic

my cat would rather die than not beat me down the stairs

The leitmotif for The Creature from the Black Lagoon is banging.

the first person who cut an umbilical cord was wild

It's giving fuckknuckle

The weird part of Bluesky is not connecting. I know Twitter is gone, but there was a community there. This is thin. Weak. I miss my fucked up Twitter family.

I like people right now, and I wish it was always this way

I'm a special kind of drunk right now.

Airports make me want to write. Humility stops me from making that mistake.

You 3% poison resistance looking ass bitch

Gross

The sensual way I overextend my lips when trying to drink a very full martini

Eeyore just called and said we can’t hang out anymore cuz I’m too depressing.

I found out recently my husband has been emailing me at the wrong address for over 4 years

Big titted goth bimbos for the communist revolution

Aborted babies crawling around heaven like shrimp

This is what they took from you

I bet that anon account flirting with you is totally attractive. Really. I'm sure.

Why don't they make ketchup packets bigger? I mean, just give me one big fucking ketchup packet. I don't need to do this dance three four five times. Do I have to do everything?

Who called it Fight Club and not Breaking Brad?

I'm starting a sex toy/D&D club, so if you're interested in joining the Dildo Guildo please let me know.

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

full contact origami

I'm too snuggly for this shit

House of the Rising Sun, but it's just me whining about how I got kicked out of an Applebee's for pulling my pants down and puking while shit faced

I'm starting a sex toy/D&D club, so if you're interested in joining the Dildo Guildo please let me know.

nancy reagan welcoming dick cheney to hell

No wait that was a bomb pop

This is a political account now. I put a red, while, and blue dildo up my ass.

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

Yes, all men. Luckily, I'm autonomously gendered as a hairy creature that stands up to pee.

I don’t want to play any game that requires me to put skin into it.

I can't wait to go back to Orion

I'd call mine Soylent Greed

I'm too snuggly for this shit

The ouroboros was just trying to blow himself

An NGL but I only respond "no."

good morning bluesky friends ❤️

Fucking told you dickheads

*slides you a kitten* "How about now?"

( just before sex ) Take it from the Top, And uh One Two Three Four....

(Just before sex) Oops.

(Just before sex) Yeah call me back in 5 I’m about to have sex

(Just before sex) Do you cut your spaghetti ?

Ok, but have you tried homemade croissant with artisanal butter and strawberry jam and a hot café au lait ?

Fucking told you dickheads