Some people belong in the past tense

It's never too late to learn something new. It's never too late to read dusty books of dark magic. It's never too late to weave a cloak of moss, feathers, and thorns and become the horror that haunts the forest north of town.

A store for Bluesky users called Bed, Bath and Buttholes.

I’d let you butter my buns. -Me, flirting.

Creepy caretaker hiding a very dark secret logging on

getting a bumper sticker that says i brake for sex and then running them over anyways

they say dress for the job you want but i can’t get lasers to shoot out of my eyes

sometimes self-care includes being oblivious

Honestly, I forgot what I was going to ask.

I challenge you to find a term more confusing than biweekly.

So many things I can’t control, so I control what I can. To my own detriment.

“Sorry I’m late.” -A memoir.

Sorry I’m late, I took a nap.

X: ENGAGEMENT Threads: ENGAGEMENT Bluesky: here's a humorous or astute thing I noticed, oh and Alf's hog

i read the entire discourse before bothering to see what it was about

mayonnaise is just bread moisturizer

does this not embarrassing them at all

a friend of mine got to meet the monks...it did not go uncringed

if you're cool with it until it happens to a friend...let that sink in

the moon gets me. or i get the moon idk. either way it doesn’t like you.

I admire MLK jr as much as anyone, but this moment we are in right now requires more of a Malcolm X approach.

Jump around in time so I don’t know where you are.

My post about gorilla buttholes only got 5 likes and 3 shares; this is not sustainable

as a parent of small children, once you realize that little kids don’t process toys all over the ground and not picked up as “i made a mess” but as “i had a fun day playing” it becomes clear just how far gone they are. they can’t even admit there’s a problem to address. they are in denial

Me when I first meet someone: omg you’re perfect how are you single lol Me after knowing them for a while: oh ok I get it now lol

Wondering how old I am in light years

Receiving intergalactic signals from my ass

Being the sweetest angel in the world isn’t easy but I’m doing it

Your penis left me on read bro

some people really took to heart all the "never change" messages they got in their junior high yearbook

honk if you ❤️ shitposters

one time i saw a headline about an influencer who died and the article mentioned they had like 400 followers and i was thinking “does that *really* count as an influencer?” anyway, i’m going to hell.

𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒅 𝒕𝒂𝒔𝒕𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒆𝒆

My favourite yoga pose is downward nap.

My inner child is an asshole.

inflexible trees break in the storm playboy you must bend like a reed in the wind

Not so fast, reply guy who thinks he's funnier than me

off to walgreen's to swipe some Stetson anyone need anything

Billionaires just don't go for rides in imploding submersibles like they used to

We were so focused on 1984 that we forgot about Animal Farm

'Clench' is an intrinsically funny word. Anyway, crapped my pants at the train station again

Watching All Creatures Great and Small on PBS and honestly a bit surprised at the amount nudity and foul language