Not gonna pierce these baking potatoes with a fork, in fact I hope they explode. I hope it takes out the whole neighborhood.

The best thing about Christianity is knowing you’re being smited by a loving god

Things We Know About Rhythm: •It is a dancer •It is a passion •It is a soul’s companion •You can feel it everywhere Suggested Actions: •Lift your hands and voices •Free your mind and join us

asking someone “are you british?” whenever they say something i can’t understand

accounting for inflation, the 6 million dollar man would now cost $45,286,891.89

You can push a watermelon around in a stroller and no one can stop you.

the midnight snack is the most important meal of the day

Pick that lucky star next to mine. We can wish for the same thing with better odds.

rotated my balcony plant 180° so she could suntan her backside

It is so obvious that some of you need to turn on your heart light

Do you think Jesus ever went to a titty bar?

the line is usually crossed once i've had to listen to you chew

so happy for peeps when they take breaks from bluesky and i imagine them skipping through meadows and living their best life but also how dare you

I've been described as a walking time bomb so at the very least I'm getting my steps in.

I don’t care about your celebrity crush, tell me what’d you do if karma gave you a hall pass.

Monday Mood

I really should’ve fucked a nerd when I was younger. Wait, what

Kids today will never know the feeling of hitting your sister upside the head with the phone attached to the wall because your call was more important

Charging both vibrators on a Sunday just like god intended

Everyone needs a friend who will give you a shirtless hug when you’re sad and then slap your ass and take you to lunch.

How is it that I bought a new ruler for both kids every school year and still can’t find a damn ruler in my house

I’m calling bullshit! *dials*

I too flicker as the day grows long.

*teaching my kid how to play soccer* okay now roll around on the ground like you’re in extreme agony

Uninterrupted, noise dies a slow death, finally meeting its nemesis in peace.

I napped for hours to avoid everything. It was great.

Nachos don't care if you eat other nachos in bed, nachos understand

Where your email finds me:

Maybe I want to get serious with the Cheez Whiz, Mr. Beck. How bout that?

and by the power vested in me, I pronounce you chips and dip

My stalker. All the smudges on the glass? My stalker’s nose prints.

Always being the bigger person can grow tiresome. Do it anyway so you can rub it their face later.

Have a blessed day, fuckface.

if I’m ever absent for more than a day you’ll know I’ve escaped

Tonight, against a backdrop of gunpowder and steve miller, I ate some homemade potato salad on a quilt and got a whiff of a cigarette and for a beat, it was exactly 35 years ago, and then it was gone.

Lawyers. Love em or hate em, it's up to you. Let me know what you decide.

Not looking up from my phone as I nonchalantly backflip my monster truck over a volcano

But like what if it was a 7th avenue heartache

Kicking open the door at Joann Fabrics and shouting “I love a bitch with a hobby!!”

Can’t wait for the Taylor divorce album

Impropriety? From the United States of America?! It is to laugh.

i worry about you, internet stranger. i don't know why, but i do.

for every 50 billion likes this post gets, I will take one breath

friend: ok, it's my first time watching the fast and the furious movies, so no spoilers me: omg there's so many spoilers

A bot that posts our drafts before we do.

Sure I’ll come to your wedding, but only if you sit me at the kids or old ppls table so I’m not fuckin bored.

when I grow up I wanna be a cool guy on the internet