i’ve never commandeered a train before but how hard can it be

in search of a scientist who can rearrange my atoms until I look like Angelina Jolie in the 90’s with the singing voice of Karen Carpenter

stupid sad horny for life

People who put fvck instead of fuck in a post, why? Is your mom here?

[posting anything anywhere on the internet] I'm sure this will receive a normal response

It’s not that I can’t, but more that I really just don’t want to.

The lordt tried to keep me from liking your post by temporarily reducing my fine motor skills, but still I persisted

Do that thing I like* *go away

ears ❤️

All the skeletons in my closet keep each other company

you really shouldn’t have to wear pants on a road trip very restrictive

I once called the cops on my own party because I was tired and wanted to go to bed

I mistakenly believed it would be more fun than this once the lunatics started running the asylum.

Studying a map of Montana trying to figure out where Joe is.

I'm sorry I was grouchy my ponytail was too high and tight

*roller-skates my way into your room while you’re sleeping and offers you a root beer float

The Purge but it’s just clearing your life of the people that want to see you fail

I’m not a hot mess, but more like a room temperature slob

I thought an algorithm was when Bill Clinton's vice president played a funky drum beat

Your money is always safe around me, your pastries are not.

When people ask how we met, my wife says I was a rescue.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages”

Beam me up Scotty. Anytime will do.

Perfectly perfect looking.

The USSA is really ramping up the criminality eh?

It’s time to take your medication, internet community.

Are all those likes with no repost foreplay or

Some interactions here remind me of the stories my kid tells me about the middle school bus.

If loneliness is a teacher, she’s a Catholic school nun who’s beaten me with a ruler and sent me to the corner in a dunce cap.

The heart-wrenching ordeal of being hungry but not for anything you have.

If we aren’t hyping each other up, what’s even the point.

The violence with which this gas station is playing The Spice Girls is incredible.

The dubiety of our time has been erased

everything today makes me want to lay down and let nature reclaim my bones

i don’t want to earn a living, i just want to pet cats

having the sort of day where i need to be the little guy with the sword that the big guy with the mallet carries through the battlefield on their back

Come on grandma, let’s get you back online

the funniest thing you could do to a terrorist is not read their manifesto

Mixed DayQuil and NyQuil. I have no idea what time it is.

Oh; I concur that this is not my circus, but those ARE, in fact, my monkeys. And therein lies the problem, constable: this circus has obtained my monkeys by nefarious means.

um sir it's not dandruff, it's pixie dust ❤️

Filing under Crimes Against Humanity

girls are lava monsters

genuinely how its been lately

Cold wieners freak me out. Do what you want with that info