A shocking number of people use a steak knife to open their Christmas presents.

jfc my handler forgot to put fresh water in my bowl

Yeah well my buddy already lost his job to artificial intelligence. He was an art thief.

He told me he used to chase tornadoes, and suddenly I understood his taste in women

I once Uber’ed Pat Benatar and she reported me as a hard braker

brings a cat to a dogfight

Most cryptic line in Christmas carols: “If the Fates allow”

Happy Christmas, everyone! If times are hard, I hope they turn a corner soon and things brighten for you…and if times are good, I hope you embrace, enjoy, and appreciate!

You can always tell a ritzy town by the number of accident attorney billboards

a prostitute in Norway is called a leif blower

Green starfish narwhal tip.? maybe I should see a Dr about this.

Death scrolling while riding exercise bike backwards just works for me.. I know I know.. I’m welcome.

Growing up poor means spending the rest of life suspicious white cage-free eggs.

The problem asking for help is you might get comfortable doing it. Stay tuned for this and other man logic.

Feel like a half gallon of milk that partially froze. Still usable but something is really not right.

The movie Knives Out is about Crocodile Dundee going up to people who have their knives out and telling them “that’s not a knife“ before unsheathing his knife which is actually a knife

wonder what would happen if i held onto a thought long enough to think it

The writing's on the wall

“people should start saying, ‘or what have you’, at the end of a list when offering you things again” -my Uncle Edgar

Blerr is love Blerr is life Blerr will shank you with a knife Tis but a scratch

you have made yourself a powerful enemy today crying child at the market

stay frosty, snowman.

I'm not the right kind of sinner to balance yer budget but I am the right kind of sinner to release your inner fantasy

The clockwork crow and the turning words.

if youre gonna keep giving me bad advice at least come sit on top of my shoulder

part of our civilizational problem is that we still have months named after the first dictators of rome we *really* shouldn't honor that shit

The best part of this birthday: “There is nothing for you to do when you get home” Fuck. Yes.

how many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

bringing a priest to a nun fight and now we pray

using my Christmas moneys for a padded push up bra to make my skeets look more appealing

unpleasantly untethered from reality

Fritz got a fancy holiday bow tie for Xmas and he LOVES it

I hate quote posts. Please quote post.

i dont care about meanwhile when are we gonna find out whats happening nicewhile?

They should invent a gym so we can workout where it all went wrong

One day you’re young and cool and the next you’re eating coleslaw for dessert.

rummaging through your mind for the good stuff

Happy *yawn* Caturday

I wish i knew what i was doing

These tits have never been calm. Nary a pill has chilled me. Not a single horse has ever been held

I may not live in Hawai'i anymore, but after living there for 20 years, this song was, and will always be special to me. It's really for everyone to enjoy. 💕 Mele Kalikimaka (Merry Christmas), to you and yours! Your pal, sr.🎄 music.youtube.com/watch?v=BtdE...

You’re the paragon of level-headed response.

My last two brain cells are fighting for dominance.

*slaps your hand and tells you to stop internalizing*

Who up stoned out of their fucking gourd?

Cover me in gravy like one of your hot turkey sandwiches.

i hope my murderer is sexy af

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives. Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war* Me: Dammit.

If you smell sex and candy, do NOT get in the van.