girl are you an overheated phone in my pocket cuz ow

you are the food crumb in bed, of people

there’s no unsexy way to eat a corn dog

Playing russian roulette at Salad Works

When someone asks what you're on about, take that as a fine opportunity to sit them down and start at the very beginning. It's going to take awhile.

My economic plan is to hurl a bucket of nickels onto this escalator

Shitpost escaping containment, I shall never see thee again

the worst part about making deviled eggs is waiting for the cauldron to bubble

When will we get movie theater seats that are just huge tubs of buttered popcorn we need a ladder to climb to the the top of and another ladder to lower ourselves down into it? When!?!

People should come with dashboards so we can see what warning lights are on before we take them for a spin.

A little quiet corner to retreat to so I can recharge, like if instead of solar power we could draw power from being cozy with a blanket in a dark room

He’s a 10 but refuses to stop and ask directions to pound town

this is very painful for me to talk about but in the early 2000s i wore blazers recreationally

If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my worcestershire.

Her: So tell me about yourself Me: I'm not great at small talk Her: Hahaha, neither am I Me: dad bludgeoned a hooker in '92

Attack for Chatita over on Art Fight :D #artfight #artfight2026 #teamtragedy #art #ocsky

My mom says never to count how many people don't like me but how will I know when there's enough to trade for a giant who doesn't like me

True love could show up at my door first thing in the morning, but if they didn't bring breakfast I'm not getting up.

When I was a kid, we had a basket of magazines next to the toilet, so to keep up with the times, I switched them out with smartphones and tablets.

It's so hot out, I welcome the porta-potty splashback.

he's a 10 but he says vice-a-versa

Maybe it's a matter of taste and sensibilities but i prefer my diarrhea to be subtle and refined

But soft, what smoke through yonder window breaks? It is the wildfire, and from Canada it comes. Arise, fair haze, and kill my envious tire fire, Who is already thick and black with grease

Everybody be cool. I just learned the baton twirlers are in town and there's a bunch of them at this hotel. Where I am. Right now. Without my baton. (rips down curtain rod)

“Don’t be silly, I’m not obsessed” I scoff as I frame all your posts and hang them in my secret shrine.

We’re watching Kindergarten Cop and it occurs to me that the only explanation as to why the concept that an undercover cop who is Arnold Schwarzenegger could be believable as a kindergarten teacher is cocaine

what does stuff even mean anymore?

a brace of pistols and a microphone

I don't need ear buds because my ears are already buddies

always a little surprised to look down and see my body. where the fuck did you even come from.

Everything should just be pickled.

Please don't be super hot and a moron, that makes me sad

Brewing

what if we just made everything not shitty has anyone thought of that

I scream, you scream, we’re all screaming my god make it stop

I bring "needs a nap" energy to the party

One day I'm gonna show up somewhere

damn, some of y’all will reskeet anything

And while we’re at it, one more from the garden. 💕

I don’t meditate, but this one time I didn’t look at my phone for ten minutes

Hear me out, Sham-Wow bras

Bringing my sunburn peels to the potluck

Sorry for the way I sexualized you with my eyes when I stood up too fast.

You can squirt your ketchup on my scrambled eggs if you wanna

Bluesky is filled with all the kids who had to eat brown-bagged warm bologna and cheese sandwiches for school lunch

Fine, i'll go and save the world just gimme a goddamned minute

Blep the blip till it bee boop bop

When I need a good laugh I read the recommended serving sizes on food packaging. Lol!

i’ve smoked 4 packs of Canadian Wildfires