Thank goodness my mother smoked cigarettes instead of taking Tylenol when she was pregnant with me

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers

Orange slice :D 🍊 #art #food

my therapist told me I look tired both mentally and physically lol

*talking to crossing guard* Guy: That's a pretty dog you got there! Ours is having her 1st day as a therapy dog at my wife's school. Me: That's great! Pretty sure mine needs therapy.

More like a crapture amirite?

White people love a reenactment

Thought I was experiencing the rapture but it turned out that it was just gas.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

Would you care to join me in screaming or do you like to keep the adrenaline locked in?

‘excuse me while i slip into something a little more inevitable,’ i murmur seductively as i don my diaphanous burial shroud

Always take chances. You’ll regret it very much

Hey look, it's me tryna get thru the week

[person does shitty things] SAID PERSON: why is everyone saying I do shitty things

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

GIRLFRIEND: Um...I don't know. I think this relationship is going too fast. ME: *sitting on my racecar bed* Lol Sharon, it doesn't actually move.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and try to convince Roald Dahl to put ‘When he was younger, Charlie Bucket was a little pail’ into his book.

I'm writing poem about pumpkins: Pumpkins are orange Goddammit

DATE: So what do you do? ME: I race cars. HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races? ME: No, the cars are much faster.

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

the person who steals the most cars tomorrow wins the rapture

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Once he has cooled down enough, a man, coated in a thick beer batter and deep fried, can be quite pleasant to hug.

Funniest thing I did today was cancelling my Hulu bundle after they announced bringing Kimmel back cuz fuck those assholes.

Would like a search option for peoples pages called “posts I didn’t already retweet”

muriel really was terrible

If I ever go missing, check under my mother's expectations.

from the archives; another James cover, another song from their album Laid, which is about child abuse: youtu.be/ZMo7WZ2m_kY?...

Whatever cool activity you are interested in, a person who you cannot stand, and who cannot stand you, is also equally interested and will join you for the length of your journey with said cool thing.

no leftovers again

Went to a new place. Thought I had no expectations. Turns out I did. I had expectations.

if we groove we groove if we don’t peace and good luck

hey universe, have a question …left on read

a black hole is just a giant gaping butthole really

i’m like if a typo was a person

Made a quick doodle today to celebrating hitting 100 followers over on Instagram so I figure I may as well post it here too! 🫶 Once again, thank you to everyone who has been supporting me :D #art #doodle

I’m not in a weird mood, it’s a lifestyle.

I didn't lose my mind, it's free derange.

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

In the time it took to calculate how many treadmills I would need to stack and slip on to hilariously shoot all the way into a wall on the moon I could have just stolen 250 million treadmills

Beeswax? More like BOOswax kitchentableworks.etsy.com

throw a stick at the wall and see if it spaghettis

I can’t wait to have granny energy.

first date idea: going for a long ocean swim in the dark after huffing gasoline fumes

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

i only use punctuation when i am blind with rage

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

Put in wood floors and now my dog's name is Daisy Tapdancing Christ