who up defying their generational curse

*crosses Velcro shoes into an X to feel wild again*

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

THE INVENTOR OF NEWS: okay, don’t be mad but HEY I SAID DON’T BE MAD OKAY YOU’RE MAD I GET IT BUT

What's your secret to being online all the time without contracting computer madness? For me it's being pure of heart

It’s been a few difficult decades working as a Hold-It-Togetherer, but I’ve really found a new, wild freedom accepting a job as the Fall-Aparterer.

Please be patient while I fly off this handle.

Call me on my landmine.

imagine hating me and I’m just over here perfecting my brownie recipe for you

I kinda feel like we should be getting new renditions of "we didn't start the fire" way more often than we do now.

Things just fall off of me throughout the day. Insects, red pepper flakes, change. But never my will to attract. Or magnets.

Me and the homies are gonna bequeath ancient amulets upon each other later if you wanna come through

*about to have sex* "BUT FIRST, A RIDDLE"

What's stage of dystopia is it when they criminalise helping the poor?

looking up into the night sky forgetting where we were

My favorite color is 90s Taco Bell booth purple.

I used to think I could change the world and now I’m proud of myself for changing my sheets

i want people to be happy but i also want people to write sad songs.

I think it’s important to remember that “the village idiot” isn’t necessarily that village’s ONLY idiot, he’s just the most famous one

Me: God, I suck dog: no ur awesome Me: I'm just the worst dog: no ur the best Me: I hate myself dog: [puts head in my lap] good thing I love u enough for both of us

“Someday I’ll show my teen a video they haven’t already seen before,” I whisper into my morning coffee.

I like to tell people I'm "battling my demons." It sounds so much cooler than sitting around knowing why I suck and wondering why that doesn't fix it

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Who needs a good looking man when you have a cabinet full of good looking jars

[Johnson's formulating adult shampoo] no. let them cry.

[Therapy] Psychiatrist: "Do you ever have thoughts of self-harm?" Me: "I'm afraid so -- I was planning to pick up KFC for dinner."

i think, as a hunter, Orion should be wearing more than a belt

I hate when people don't exclude me from the conversation.

"Apocalypse traffic" could mean gridlock or no sign of anybody anywhere, please be specific when you come to me on this the day of how much beef jerky I need

they should let me be a mother bear with two little cubs i think I'd be good at it

I honestly can’t think of anything worse than if it were raining men

age verification? i have a members only jacket hanging in my closet and started my peanut butter addiction with Reese’s Pieces while watching E.T. in the theatre.

still recovering from the twist ending of Escape (The Piña Colada Song)

My former flame describes his beloved: "She's amazing in a hundred different ways." My guy describes me: "Chatty."

me in any relationship:

Just told my dog she’s going to go first in double Jeopardy since she has the lowest score. It’s like she doesn’t even care.

“I miss laughing,” said Piglet “Stick it up your whole ass,” said Tigger

Me [reaping]: WTF? I don’t remember sowing this…

Me, in the cyberpsycosis ward: Yeah, I had a back alley doc botch a chrome job, now whenever Rodriguez Chang's runs a special on egg rolls my targeting wetware locks up and my vat growns go grand mal. What're you in for? My roommate: A website said it was my friend a lot. We almost got married.

Hey, girl. Is heaven missing an angel? Because they all seem to be male in the Bible and... let me start over. Did it hurt? God's rejection?

Hi folks, this is your captain speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly. I’d like to remind everyone at this time that life is a cruel series of disappointments that will eventually kill you

Me: [trying to sleep] My Brain: you know, it’s pretty sexy when your computer remembers passwords for you. what else can we make weirdly erotic before finding our REM?

The thing about astrology is like whoa yes actually I am half human half horse. How the hell did they know? That’s a type of accuracy only the stars could know wow

streetsmart booksmart or a secret third thing

I know what you did last summer: cried

very few songs have aged better for me than Billy Joel’s My Life because you can speak your mind but not on my time

Look I just want you to be the person I share my life with but also leave me alone most of the time okay

I'll tell you what we need. What we need is a giant radioactive monster attack