my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

[emailing a professor of primate evolution] could we try 3 nostrils?

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

I will be stepping back from my public commitments but I will continue being around teenagers all the time

Princess of the pea

math textbook covers for some reason:

god I’m so bad at this lol. only 2 days left to pledge! only 2 days until I stop annoying you for awhile. we’re at 93% of my goal! could you be the one… to push it over the edge… seedandspark.com/fund/girlie

Enjoying a big bowl of detritus

Deep in the Sumatran jungle today we found the extraordinary flowers of Rhizanthes pushing their fangs through the forest floor. A sap-sucking, leafless parasite, this is one of the world's weirdest plants.

just write "8 years" 🙄

If you only look at a reply to a reply to a politics post, it's impossible to deduce the topic of the original post

Before they started putting the lights on Christmas trees planes would run into them all the time

me: (reaching into 800g jar of cashews on top shelf) .... little cashew treat .... beautiful snack devil on my shoulder: Do it. They should be part of you angel on my shoulder: Im so proud of you. You deserve cashews. Sweet child. Im so happy youre taking them me: everyone agrees thats for baby boy

getting a text in the middle of the night and it's just my loathsome vizier saying "Your enemies lie in wait, my lord!!" what am I supposed to do with that. its four in the morning

Briefly considered posting something political and topical but then I got the idea for ‘Moon Rustlers’, a series of novellas in which a lone cowboy named Colton McKittrick melts down silver bullets into gauntlets so he can punch werewolves to death.

I found your natural area

Trying to make conversation with a book reviewer: Ah yeah I got a buddy of mine who’s luminous

I thought the Epstein emails would be difficult to read for a different reason

I thought the Epstein emails would be difficult to read for a different reason

Follow you home

Viennese hotel concierge: 2 tickets for tonight's opera. Your name sir? Secret agent Stuart Pecans: Pecans,

Guy seething with jealousy: Well, I think the normal sky is already pretty cool

sick of all these AI images of the sky being weird colors i just looked outside and all i saw was my father’s face whispering terrible things like every night

(Wading through waist-deep pitch black water) Yeah so my place is just through here

Harvested the last of this year's tomatoes. Thank you plants, it's been a privilege 🫡🍅

SAD lamp wearable

Cooked some beans but they're too hot to put in the fridge yet, so I got to write "Cool beans" on my to-do list 😎

adding a second trepan hole to get a cross breeze going

cool ranch (sarcastic)

SOCRATES: No god is a philosopher or seeker after wisdom, for he is wise already; nor does any man who is wise seek after wisdom. PLATO: Neither do the ignorant seek after wisdom. DARRYL, SOCRATES AND PLATO’S FRIEND: well well well if it isn’t the blowjob brothers

I'll love you till the day I die. But that day I'm a free agent

Getting dressed, my eyes land on a red shirt in my closet. Hm. And a green sweater. Hmmm

Rolling down my car window and shouting "good job" to the trees with the orangest leaves

coworker_4 has gifted you a game on Steam. Add PROBOSCIS PRINCESS to your Library? *You have 1 new message from coworker_4* this is the game with the proboscis physics that I was telling you about

Getting a big head from being told 50 times that my call is important

New pick up: Celebrity Train Layouts part 1: Frank Sinatra I guess there used to be enough celebrities with model trains to make a whole series of videos.

If you're looking for a non-baseball post, here ya go!

If you love all the saints, today is your day

telling my neighbor strong winds must have blown all his amazon packages into my apartment

Putting away a box of horror movies and getting out a box of thankfulness movies

True connoisseurs know that the day after Halloween, when all the leftover body parts go on sale, is actually the best day to begin construction of your monster.

TPing my own house for the insurance money

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

If you see something strange in your neighborhood, no you didn't

(officiating wedding) Do you? Do you? (entering crowd work mode) (pointing at guy in front row) I know this motherfucker Do

[robot Halloween party] ROBOT MOM: These are wires and hoses. [blindfolded robot kids feel around in bowl of human entrails] KIDS: Eeeeww

COSTUME 2: GUY ON YOUR BLOCK WHO DONT KNOW BOUT NO "HALLOWEEN", HE JUST GOT OFF WORK