Keep me warm and keep me safe

I'm the last of my species. Nurture me so I can hatch.

Hop in man we're all going to the hospital

The Dark Knight trilogy and the Robert Pattinson Batman movie are all ridiculous because people will rave about how great they are despite the fact that they're all three hours long and about Batman

A blessed #ScreenshotSaturday to ya!✌️😇 Here's a peek at some wild gameplay modifiers you can run into in Trading Card Inspector... Things can go from 0 to 60 in the flip of a card!🃏🕵️ Wishlist #TradingCardInspector: tinyurl.com/habubis ✅👀 #gamedev #indiegames #cozygames #1bit #habubis #unity

Making up a guy and getting mad at him then making up a guy who agrees with me and imagining him killing the first guy. That's how I attain inner pease

Wearing doc martins with no socks to the bar #blisternight

Making an all-time list of the top 250 attempts on my life

I don't love the Riddle Pig

(Showing up way too early to Thanksgiving dinner wearing a T-shirt that just says "KILL" on it in impact font) What up Uncle Mike! You got a phone charger your fav nephew can hold onto or what

If I had more money or less money than I had growing up I would be dead right now

Doing Richie's big scene from The Royal Tenenbaums but instead of shaving and cutting my hair beforehand I do a deep clean of my car and it takes like three fucking hours

When I was a young teenager my older sister pronounced "Evangelion" without the second E, like how you pronounce "ganglion". If I had known how it was actually pronounced at the time I probably would have stopped basing my taste in media off of hers a lot earlier than I did

The bigger the amount of money in the tweet the more likely I am to fav it. $1,000,000 that's getting a fav. $1000? Hey that's a whole lot of beer and pizza, I'm giving that a fav. $5? Nothing wrong with a cool fiver man, that's a fav from me. $1 thats a fav.

I had such a good fucking burrito for lunch man. What a great day.

The world's smallest hitman using a tiny pickaxe to split an atom inside my ear canal and turn my head into mulch

The world's smallest hit man in tiny scuba gear shanking my white blood cells one by one

The world's smallest hitman holding a champagne bottle like an RPG, waiting to blast a cork into my eye when I open the kitchen cabinet

Shaking and sobbing thinking about if a game or a movie was bad

When I was a little kid I thought Yu Yu Hakusho was the most important thing in the world. Now I'm older and I barely even think of Yu Yu Hakusho anymore. How life goes

There should be a permanent burger you can install in your house and you just take a couple bites when you're hungry

"I never see you at the club" I never see you there either. Everyone in the world is blind because of a mysterious disease #fuckedupstories

I was a lot better off when I had a worse computer

There needs to be another 10 years between your 20s and your 40s

Me 1 second after watching my clone emerge from my cloning machine covered in smelly clone goo: I don't... I don't remember... Am I me? Or am I the clone...? What have I done...

Guy who loses one hand in strip poker and calls his girlfriend to ask for the key to his chastity cage

I spent months going to court hearings and filling out paperwork to change my name and now everyone's mad at me because apparently nobody felt like letting me know there was already a guy named Lupe Fiasco

Whenever somebody has to yield to me when I'm driving I lean out my window and go "𝑵𝒐 𝒏𝒐 𝒏𝒐 😚 𝑴𝒆 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 👋☺️" while I'm passing them

(Seeing my dad eating leftovers from last night's dinner for lunch) Mixin meals!

The Pizza Diner We All Hope Will Go Down in History as the Last Restaurant

Winning 1 million dollars in the lottery and using it to buy my own bus and trying to get my own private route going and causing a lot of problems for myself and the people in my city

The guy who discovered water must have been so thirsty

Nobody has time for my swag anymore

(Me, turning the thermal fluctuation module to 10596 units) (Data) That is ill-advised. That level of thermal fluctuation would compromise the integrity of the engine core within minutes. (Me, putting it back to 5) I'm sorry, Data. (Data) You are my best friend. There is nothing to apologize for.

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Thought about a little mouse that's hungry and started feeling bad

I'm gonna say what nobody else seems willing to say: Homer Simpson should be in prison.

Spoke with a guy from Silicon Valley who's got a startup that's working with scientists to lab-grow little bugs that get in your blood and poison you and kill you. He said they're hoping that in the next 20 years everyone in the world will have been killed by the bugs. Very cool

When people get convicted of white collar crime instead of being sent to a minimum security prison they should get out in a new machine that turns them inside out

Up until probably the 80s pretty much anybody could just walk up to you and kill you and the cops would just arrest some random person and say case closed. Horrible time to be a murder victim but you could get a big metal car for $1000 brand new so it evened out

I love homing attacks

Time travelling back 3 billion years and stomping on every little fucker that tries to crawl ashore

I put away childish things and now I'm so boredddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Totally Oblivious "Don't Mind If I Do" Kinda Guy: Nothing I hate more than a "Don't Mind If I Do" kinda guy His buddy: Hey man I got some donuts you want some Totally Oblivious "Don't Mind If I Do" Kinda Guy: *Wiggling his fingers*

Doctor: It's frankly unprofessional of me to say this, but never in my career have I met anyone who managed to become wider than they are tall. I don't know what to say when you come in for checkups. You baffle me. Me: (Getting up on my tippy toes and reaching to shake his hand)

The doctor said I don't have to wear my leash at the park since it's my last day 💯🥳

You ruined my birthday party with your little stunt, and more importantly, now I'll never walk again thanks to you. And more importantly, you completely ruined my birthday party

hey fierce mama… can i call you mama… ok wig… so it turns out the cooling rods in the reactor core have all cracked and we are about to undergo what nuclear physicists and historians call “a diva moment”

Trying to stomp out a small anthill but I'm too weak. The ants crawl up my leg and start eating me alive. I call to my friends to save themselves. "We won't forget you buddy!" they say & continue the walk to the bar. 3hrs later they pass by my picked clean sun-bleached skeleton

Lot of people seem to be getting into growing huge vegetables lately. Meanwhile I'm moving on with my life