Simon has left the band and whats worse Alvin said our band is called Alvin and the Chipmunk now. like im just a thing

I seriously can't stand guys like this

Wearing this hat to my grandma's birthday dinner and just having to answer a bunch of bullshit questions the whole goddamn night

Enjoying the bullshit Chipmunks act on my timeline today

Just realized I can finally turn off notifications from Indeed

Two wise sages telling each other exactlyyyyyyyy

(Gets hit really hard in the head and becomes obsessed with false memories of a kid's show called Stuggy's Storage) You'll are lowkeynuinely sleeping on Stuggy. (Stuff coming out of my ear) It's straight up people forgot about Stuggy. Stuggy went crazy

My buddy found a real pixie by the creek when we were kids but he just picked its wings off and stuffed it in his pocket. It was screaming a lot. Never saw it again, I stopped talking to him after that

I am paid a very high salary to design new ways to hurt innocent people. Please don't hurt me. I want to live. My job is to hurt your children. Please, don't do anything to me. I want to be safe. My job is to make your family sick. I want to live. Please, I deserve to live. My job kills you. Please,

Genetically engineering an apple that makes you cough, I call it a Coughing Apple

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've decided that it's fun to ride on the train and to use the train to get where you need to go.

One time I got too high by accident and my buddies were trying to explain the rules of Warhammer 40k to me but I just thought they were telling me about a game they had made up. I was absolutely flabbergasted at how many dice were needed in this game my two friends had made up.

I work for the department of defense and I get paid $17,000/hr to train an AI to perfectly recreate the personality of every Peep Show character. Working on Super Hans first, but all I can get it to say is "Well that's me arse well shagged innit". Don't think he even says that

I was the first guy to ever have a cold beer out on the balcony after work

I've been drinking sugar free red bull for like five years trying to convince myself it tastes good

Finally got around to uninstalling ubereats because I got very angry that its bullshit sale notifications have the same vibration pattern as a text from a real person

Full honesty here: I made a deal with the devil where he gets Chuck Norris's soul in exchange for everyone getting to have a good weekend. If you're seriously gonna get mad at me, sorry for wanting everyone to have a good weekend I guess

Trying to raise some funds to help me get through the weekend/pay some vet bills. Anything at all is incredibly appreciated!

Filing for disability because I can't do the hand slide part of a dap

Pornography (Porn-ogg-rah-fee) was invented by David Pornography, who was trying to think of something he could look at while he jerked off. [1] His wife was very angry at him. [2]

Shitting my pants at the library #itslegal

queer eye season 11 tan: hm we gotta get rid of those teeth! jonathan: yep. those teeth, straight out. jeremiah: can't let you keep those teeth, kemosabe! antoni: we're going to pull those teeth, every single one. buldok the road toad: open road karamo: time to pull all those teeth out,

The Tesla coil was invented by Nicola Tesla. The Heimlich Maneuver was invented by Henry Heimlich. Cumming was invented by a caveman named Cum

Eating a lot of leaves off of the ground

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

My inner monologue recently is mostly just the sound of snapping twigs

I've always been a little more advanced than other people, by the time everyone else in grade 11 was going out getting their drivers license, I was already old enough to start going to bars

I'm finally gonna have my own place again in a couple months and the first thing the FIRST thing I'm gonna do once I'm moved in is I'm gonna get mildly crossfaded and sit on MY couch in MY living room and watch MANDY I can't WAIT MAN I CANT WAIT

Gluing my hands together on purpose and then panicking about it and calling for help and then shoving and kicking at anybody who tries to help me pry them apart because I'm panicking too much

Being a pilot must suck if you like the ground

There was a big explosion and everyone in the entire world died. Huge bummer, rest in peace

Homer Simpson is responsible for the deaths of Maude Flanders, Frank Grimes, and Dr. Nick Riviera. He should be in prison for the rest of his life

Going viral on both Twitter (14k likes) and on here (84 likes) in the same day has been a wild experience for sure

I don't like referring to Charlie Brown as having or not having hoes. Don't call Peppermint Patty and the redheaded girl hoes. It's inappropriate.

(Not 100% sure what "crux" means or if I'm using it correctly) The crux of my order is I want the bacon on the side on one of the Baconators please. Yes in a separate bag please. In the foil wrapping please yes. That's the crux of it yes. Thank you

As soon as I can figure out the i-frames on my forward dash I'm going straight to the dojo and finally earn Mike-sensei's respect

Going on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and using my Phone A Friend on the $1,000,000 question to call my dad and say I Dont Know The Answer I Fucked Up I'm So Sorry I'm Gonna Get It Wrong and start crying and blubbering all over the table

(Thinking about anything thats going to happen at any point in the future ever) Oh my god I can't WAIIITTT I CANT WAIT I can't waiiiiiiiitttttt I can't wait!!!!! Oh man I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT I CANT WAIT OH MAN I can't wait! I can't wait I can't wait I CANT WA

They're coming out with a new phone that shoots goo out of its charging port (technically edible) and they're marketing it as "phone cream"

I only have 5 hit points but I make up for it by having very high defense and running away on the first or second turn of combat

Guy waking up with a bunch of sandpaper superglued to his ass and balls: Wha... What the fuck... Where am I...? Jigsaw Appearing On The TV: Hello Mark. For years you have skipped washing your ass in the shower. For years people have had to smell your poopy smelling ass. Today I offer you redemption.

Why would you want food when you could have NUTZ?!

There was originally a third Wet Bandit in Home Alone and Kevin was supposed to just straight up kill him by pushing him into a vat of acid. They had to take that part out because Macaulay Culkin's contract said No Acid Vats No Exceptions

(About to burn every bridge I have and completely ruin my entire life) About to start making some big moves, stay tuned everybody!

Jamming my hand in a roller press to get my mandatory lifetime suffering quota out of the way

Everyone's got that one friend who must be stopped

pretending to be a branch by pointing my chin towards the sky and closing my eyes

20 years ago there was a Scarface video game that had Bam Margera in it. Nowadays you would have to buy the Scarface battle pass! *Tearing hair out stretching out the collar of my shirt* Nowadays you would have to buy the Bam Margera battle pass!

I love Matt Johnson's work and think he's one of the funniest smartest people in movies right now, loved Dominic Sessa in The Holdovers, I hope he's got a bright future ahead of him in acting. But you couldn't pay me to give half a shit about a biopic, don't care who it's about

Being dragged screaming out of the hospital for hexing all the newborn babies except for mine, "You have to do yours too or it's not fair" the orderly says as he's pulling my shirt over my head so he can punch me in the gut 30 times