Guy waking up with a bunch of sandpaper superglued to his ass and balls: Wha... What the fuck... Where am I...? Jigsaw Appearing On The TV: Hello Mark. For years you have skipped washing your ass in the shower. For years people have had to smell your poopy smelling ass. Today I offer you redemption.

Why would you want food when you could have NUTZ?!

There was originally a third Wet Bandit in Home Alone and Kevin was supposed to just straight up kill him by pushing him into a vat of acid. They had to take that part out because Macaulay Culkin's contract said No Acid Vats No Exceptions

(About to burn every bridge I have and completely ruin my entire life) About to start making some big moves, stay tuned everybody!

Jamming my hand in a roller press to get my mandatory lifetime suffering quota out of the way

Everyone's got that one friend who must be stopped

pretending to be a branch by pointing my chin towards the sky and closing my eyes

20 years ago there was a Scarface video game that had Bam Margera in it. Nowadays you would have to buy the Scarface battle pass! *Tearing hair out stretching out the collar of my shirt* Nowadays you would have to buy the Bam Margera battle pass!

I love Matt Johnson's work and think he's one of the funniest smartest people in movies right now, loved Dominic Sessa in The Holdovers, I hope he's got a bright future ahead of him in acting. But you couldn't pay me to give half a shit about a biopic, don't care who it's about

Being dragged screaming out of the hospital for hexing all the newborn babies except for mine, "You have to do yours too or it's not fair" the orderly says as he's pulling my shirt over my head so he can punch me in the gut 30 times

imagine a dog big smiling dog or not a big dog whatever your preference is. now imagine the biggest and sharpest sword of all time

(First day as Shift Manager, hearing the two guys I used to chop it up with for years in the backroom laughing as they're working) You guys really think that's appropriate?

*Dies and discovers the afterlife is exactly like South Park* What? What? *Sees my grandma and grandpa, they're both South Park version of themselves and telling me they don't like it here* What the fuck?? What?? *Never realizes this is what Heaven is, Hell is just normal Hell*

(Soul Calibur announcer voice) Michelob Ultra

Just finished an RPG that took about 120 hours to complete and got so mad at the ending it gave me that I just deleted the whole save file and shut off my computer with the actual physical power button

Steam Next Fest is soon and Trading Card Inspector has 25 Positive Reviews!😁❤️🐒 A few more would push us into the top 100 highest rated demos (WHICH WOULD BE HUGE)!😍✨🙇 🎮Play the Demo: s.team/a/3940840 📈Help a debut indie dev team fight the big guys! #indiedev #gamedev #indiegames #cozygames #steam

My bones are made of muscle and my muscles are made of bone but I still fuck normal for the most part

I'm working on a completely original new memory for me to remember

When I was a kid my mom FORBID me from watching the Austin Powers movies, just layed down the law with such seriousness and severity that I thought they must have had the craziest most hardcore shit going on in them. And I was right.

Nothing more irksome than a "To hell with it all" type of fellow

Skincare is bullshit, I've been moisturizing everyday for a week and I've still got $27,000 of credit card debt

Yo they named a restaurant after me 😭💀 (Refusing to elaborate on what I mean, unsettling you and creating a rift between us that gradually widens over time) They straight up named this restaurant after me man 😭😭😂😂💀💀

God pranking a virtuous guy by sending him to Hell for one second

God pranking a guy who's having a near death experience by appearing before him as Peter Griffin and telling him he has to watch Family Guy for the rest of his life or he's going to Hell

The only place within 100km that sells video games isn't getting any copies of Nioh 3 until Tuesday #gamerslament

Me and my clones are all working on a webseries called Ten Million's Company

(Unaware it's my turn to be eaten by my Cannibal God) Sometimes I feel like there's gotta be more to life than being torn apart and eaten by Cannibal God

Not looking forward to Friday this week. I have to go get granulated

They just released a new kind of Uni!

(Watching Homer Simpson make a silly mistake with a comical level of confidence that sets up the rest of the episode) This dumb fat fuck feels way too safe shooting his dumb fat fuck mouth off (Getting up and walking around) Dumb fat bald fuck needs to shut his fucking mouth

Question for the Chess "experts": If Chess is the "ultimate game of stategy", then how come nobody has ever actually successfully finished a game of Chess to completion?

Nostalgia posting about 2016 gets everything wrong, I was an adult back then I can tell you that the most popular movie was Return of the Five Deadly Venoms AKA Crippled Avengers and the #1 trend was eating a family size Popeye's box on the couch in my basement while watching Return of the Five Dead

Inventing an apparatus specifically for holding a slice of pizza and a drink with one hand because a charming Southern gentleman with a slight smell of sulfur appeared before me and made a very convincing argument that there's not enough plastic crap in the world

(Being abducted by the Immortal Torture Aliens of Time-Prison Agony Planet IV) Oh great, this is just what I was hoping for! NOT! 🙄

03/03/25 8:47pm: Fine, have a nice life. Goodbye. 01/28/26 1:20am: Hey 01/28/26 1:20am: Been doing a lot of work and a lot of thinking 01/28/26 1:21am: Basically I found out I came to Earth on a meteor and it's put a lot of stuff in context 01/28/26 1:21am: Hope you're doing well

I've traced the source of almost all my issues back to when I concussed myself during a beer pong tournament in 2019

If I ever met Mark Duplass's character from Creep I would have beaten that fucker to death the second he started acting even a little bit weird

The Sopranos should have ended with all the gangsters strung up on crosses Life of Brian style in a way that is comical but also confirms that they are certainly going to die there

He Dropped A 1,000,000,000lb Weight On Himself. This Is What Happened To His Organs.

Wearing my "Not gonna get tricked into watching a fucking hockey show just because it's got some hot gay guys in it" shirt to the library and getting ripped apart and eaten alive by the ladies behind the counter

The mayor called and told me I fucked everything up

The mayor gave me a congratulatory medal for being the first guy brave enough to walk up and shake his hand like he were anyones else

They're making a new toy that is a fun little squishy ball-shaped creature with an adorable face and an irresistible charm and you can put it on a keychain and attach it to your backpack. But if you squeeze it just a bit too hard it explodes and there is a lot of real blood in it

The city has me on contract to go to all their buildings and leave the sinks running and hook up a bunch of BX cables all over the place that don't attach to anything

I was flicking through old gaming magazines again for #ScreenshotSaturday, found this awesome vintage print ad...🥚🔨 ✨Wishlist Now: s.team/a/4269170 #roguelike #autobattler #dungeoncrawler #gamedev #indiegames

*Gets incredibly wealthy by inventing a new beatboxing style focused on burping loud as hell*

Rock climbers, sprinters, cyclists, drag racers, they're all trying to escape. But you can't

If your medication says you have to take it with food you can also take it with candy. Candy is food

🎉NEW GAME ANNOUNCEMENT!🎉 Introducing Dragon's Egg: A Gourmet Fantasy! 🐉🥚 Battle monsters & brave perilous dungeons in search of tasty treats to power up your party in this #roguelike #autobattler #dungeoncrawler! ⚔️🍳✨ Wishlist Now: s.team/a/4269170 #indiedev #gamedev #indiegames #cozygames #steam

There should be a button in your car that makes the engine completely dropshot its own shit and render itself completely unrepairable