I'm like the hamburglar but for money instead of burgers

do you think it feels good for the fan when the shit hits it?

getting into conspiracy theories so i can achieve my dream of being the first man on the moon

i made eggs

(using the Voice from dune) I'm just chilling in cedar rapids

“Portland is a warzone” but it’s just Fred Armisen violating the Geneva Conventions

are you wasting your life or are you chillin in cedar rapids

website is lagging quick everyone type stuff like "laaaaaag laggggggg lagg fuck fkin lagg" like we're online gamin

when someone tries to talk me down after suffering a minor inconvenience

man, fuckin' Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua, bitch

Me: *thinking to myself after someone wrongs me* You made an inconsequential and powerless enemy today my friend

How is it illegal to attack a 15-foot Animatronic Glowing-eyed Pumpkin-headed Skeleton with a sword? Seems like something society should encourage.

classicists asleep, post modern

accusing kids dressed up in stormtrooper costumes of stolen valor

they’re normalizing me tomorrow

Dante's seven factors of authentication

I am basically 3 live grenades in a trenchcoat

Geppetto was the woodcarver. His marionette was Geppetto's monster

Me: *pays 140 dollars* Tim Meadows: get away Dewey! don’t eat that Panda Express Orange Chicken! you don’t want any of that shit! It’s delicious! Me: *delighted* *pays 140 dollars* Meadows: Dewey get out of here! Don’t eat the rangoons! You don’t want any of that shit! Me: *delighted* *pays 140

72 waffle/hour

The final episode of The Simpsons should end with the family moving to Quahog, Rhode Island, but along the way they get in an accident with a nuclear waste disposal truck and become the Griffin family. Also they change their names for some reason. It’s airtight.

So Hulk Hogan, why are you a great candidate for the Administrative Assistant position? Hulk Hogan:

i'm too jaded and irritable to start all over again on yet another platform so if this place implodes i'll simply join floyd on the balcony and while he growls at passing dogs i'll yell out what would have been random shitposts at their owners

Customers who say River Side Casino doesn’t keep it real will be pleasantly surprised by our “We’re Gonna Bust Craps In Your Ass” promo.

In a world where Poster's Madness exists, you really can't have one person in charge of anything important

All generalizations are wrong.

I just made up a new drink. Milk, salted caramel collagen & protein mix, Dr Pepper, double honey bourbon, and ice. Technically, I don’t think I need anything else to live!

wait wait *do* tell me

Sometimes I want to be an evil villain but then I feel bad

bedazzling the back of these jean shorts to say “i farted”

if you unzip my skin suit a bunch of moths fly out

sitting in a massage chair with a rather firm neck grip and why’s it kinda…

The universe blessed me with 20/20 vision so I could see through the bullshit

network television needs a tv show with a character who is an active shitposter

If you’re in the Chili’s bar and strike up a conversation with the Soprano’s-looking guy next to you who reveals his work nickname is Tommy the Grandma Fucker, DO NOT ask him why.

the butterfly effect is when you see a butterfly and have to say “butterfly”

WALTER LANTZ: what should i name my cartoon bird ANIMATOR: boner bonedick WALTER LANTZ: what no ANIMATOR: stiffy stiffwang WALTER LANTZ: absolutely not ANIMATOR: woody woodpecker WALTER LANTZ: i love it

Fact: “Come Together” by The Beatles was about having a threesome

i’d be happier living as a haunted doll

I like my quartets like I like my cheese, string

My 80 year old dad coming out to greet me while I'm doing yardwork for them on my day off

Here’s a collection of goobers I would gladly hand deliver feeder crickets to as compensation for the lols they provide me on the daily.

me powerwashing the patio

they should have a lense that can show you car accidents in the area. call it a collidascope. thank you.

well?

TIL the Dolphins have an OL named Strange wearing #69

✋ no thank you death products, i prefer to be alive

what’s up! just got our mario and luigi costumes for halloween! :) but also i got us both peach and daisy ones if you wanna do that instead maybe! :) but also, uhh, i got, fuckin’ toad? and yoshi? but also

🐸