grateful for all the people out there posting stuff. without them, i wouldn’t have anything to misread and turn into a reply about my own pet issue

[First Day As Realtor] Me: Yeah this house has some good bones Client: Oh nice Me: Also some bad bones tho.. Client: Huh? Me: Just a whole lotta bones really. Anyway we should keep moving.

turned on the car radio in the middle of this hilarious bone-dry parody of morrissey if he were singing about the perfidious nature of eyeliner and other cosmetics but it turned out to be a cut from his new album

I've been high but never "my dog is threatening to reveal my family secrets" high

Mustard awards called The Gulden Globes.

i’m really passionate about foods with salad in the name that are definitely not a salad

when Eminem falls into a black hole it’s called mom’s spaghettification

need a witch to turn me into a salmon or something

Band name: Amateur Tractor

My baby's first word was "abracadabra" and then it vanished into thin air. I miss my child and the ensuing investigation was a bit of a hassle but god damn what a trick.

the scariest thing about ghosts is how their clothes died at the exact same time

Looking back, I'm glad Taco Bell never had a ball pit.

Drug sniffing dogs have a nose job.

What I’ve learned from TV ads is that everyone else on earth is buying a new car at all times or has moderate to severe Crohn’s disease

Look at my lawyer dawg I'm going to jail

It's not true Dubai chocolate unless it came from the Dubai region of France

i stepped on the dust pan and it broke into a million pieces and now i don’t have anything to sweep the pieces into

me, as a locksmith: hello them: can i get a key change? me, as a locksmith: ↑🎼𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰

whatever

uuuhhhhhhhhhh

middle child’s first day of college I asked her on her break this morning how it’s goin she said nothing about teachers, class or students but she can tell me everything they serve in the vending machines

found mjölnir on freecycle but it's pickup only 🙄

We're not supposed to know what goes on at the bottom of the ocean. I saw this thing that looked like a carrier bag full of eyes holding an umbrella. That's nobody's business

is anyone else having problems with their jaws mine won’t unhinge the way it used to

Just thought up “fruit pleather”. It’s like fruit leather but instead of fruit it’s made of polyurethane

britney posting is undefeated

if there’s a hamburglar then it stands to reason that there is [eyes narrow] a hotdoglar

Cris Collinsworth has wine mom energy

me and the gang at olive garden on payday

i hate blanket statements cuz all blankets are stupid and they should just shut up

a remake of pinocchio but he makes him using shakira’s hips and he never lies so it’s a really boring film and Disney loses so much money it has to start selling goofy’s milk at magic kingdom

i'm calling everyone 'hoss' this week

He grated like 1/4 of the block of cheese in like 6 seconds. Generational talent

Before Ernest Hemingway published his first novel, the sun only set

Matt Lafleur drop an homage to this

The last play was just as chaotic as it should have been, Bears win

BEARS

it was 21-3

The Bears in the 4th quarter

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

🚨🚨wake up the pope 🚨🚨

Evil mastermind: I will destroy the entire city unless someone shows me a low-res video of 4th of July fireworks from 5 years ago Me: [turning to my wife as I pull out my phone] I told you it wasn't pointless

Was watching a cooking thing and the guy turns to the vegetables and claims that seasoning the vegetables with salt is “a game changer”

all it took was hearing their "theme music" for me to know that the Looney Tunes are unserious buffoons

cornless bonedogs

I think if the Packers win Rome Odunze should have to change his name to Romeo Dunze and if the Bears win Romeo Doubs should have to change his name to Rome Odoubs

i really *twitch* enjoy Josh Safdie's Chicago Bears

The Packers are trying to help the Bears and the Bears are just refusing to take it - very midwest

Sorting my groceries into the only sensible ordering system: least to most moist.