Another day, another fantastic tiktok restaurant advertisement

The Earl of Bird gets dewormed

This sounds like the country’s worst minor league team

crystal methsi

This is a dry ass sandwich. Call the Mayo Clinic

me when i see balls

I've never had a good gateway error.

me irl

how much gorilla mind energy drink did its inventor have to drink before they thought “gorilla mind” would be a product brand a person sees and thinks “it’s true, my mind isn’t gorilla enough!”

it's like the beatles said, "ape days a week" or something

i accidentally bought family size wheat thins instead of party size this whole night is bullshit

the call is coming from outside the house. please answer. it's me

Anvil Lavigne

Did you know? Four of our elephants are rescues from the game Jumanji.

Threats are just goth promises

are they still making new cheeses? haven’t seen a new one in a while

sorry i made your baby cry. im just not looking to make new friends rn

Columbia House agents have surrounded my house. I knew this day would come, but they’re not taking me alive.

*gets insulted* wow wait till I google what that means.

putting two cats in a box and calling it the Discount Schroedinger

do you think dinosaurs believed in love

This machine kills fajitas

Sorry about all the questions. I've never been to a public stoning before and I get just all kinds of excitable.

The Simpsons succeeded because it nailed universal American family experiences like a French bowling instructor trying to bang your wife

the toonami robot sold me weed and it was all seeds and stems

You’re going to have to speak up I’m Posting rn

Always so awkward when the waiter says "enjoy your food!" and you lean in for the kiss

do i have to see the first five films to understand The Sixth Sense (1999)

ME: so what do you think of this cluster of big lakes TONY THE TIGER: *deep breath*

are you a MAN that needs to shower but want to stay MANLY while doing so? try DUKES THICK body wash in BOURBON scent. presented to you by BUFFALOS.

impressive

This is the last butterfly of the year that I actually saw emerge, and when I took a picture it looked like the cover of her memoir

Don't rly appreciate the word "miracle" being used in the title of skin care products

thank GOD

this mime is terrible at karaoke

some toads are colorful like a rainbow lollipop just begging to be licked

the truth is out there

we mock children for their juvenile belief in a made up Santa, yet we walk this earth worshipping the false idol Charlie Brown. an God who was manufactured by ‘Charles Schulz’ (Hallmark) to sell us Christmas and the Footballs

Teddy Ruxpin no

Chick at work started talking about her “goals” ALL serious and shit, then asked me about mine. Having not prepared a corporate spiel, I panicked and told her the truth. I’ve never gone bowling high and I think I’d really like to accomplish that this winter.

I do get turned on by someone doing a good park

This just in... international males are half off tomorrow!

In The Real Ghostbusters, Venkman was the hottest one. Followed by Slimer. And then Ray. There were also a few hot guest star ghosts/monsters sometimes. (This is my personal list. You can make your own)

*irrigates sinuses before talking to hottie at the bar*

Life is all about getting emails

googling "caught in time loop" and the links are all purple