Went to the zoo and saw a gawping teen walk up to the giraffe habitat and loudly ask “are those GIRAFFES?!” Yeah man

Can't sleep because I drank too many credentialed sodas

long live rockened roll!!

When a dog makes a non-standard dog noise like "arooroo" or "waaaaowaah" that's when the magic happens

Ups left a package for you from Dumbass Depot

my doctor says it’s terminal unless I surgically remove the groove in my heart

Y’all ever walk into a public restroom and immediately whisper “Jesus Christ”

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you wor— worches—worcestershire

mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son

What wine pairs best with power? I want to be drunk with multiple things at once.

tv show bartender who just throws the glasses on the floor instead of cleaning them in every scene

Hurry and plug thine ears lest the siren’s song lure you to a watery gravy (which will render your biscuits unpleasantly soggy)

BILLY JOEL: I was lifting a heavy box and I forgot to bend my knees DOCTOR: so you’re saying you threw out your back-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK-ACK BJ: you oughta know by now that I hate you

I am normal and can be trusted with a costco membership

when you take the j out of jolene you get diarrhea

I'm gonna get shredded. (cheese)

not enough apps take into account that I will be resting my phone on a pillow as I lay in bed,unable to see the lower centimeter as it settles into the pillow

Blues legend Smoky Chipotle

the revenant is just life of pi with bears (i have not seen either film)

getting verified on feb 29 this year!

i dreamed that a young harold ramis hugged me and my whole body relaxed completely so i guess the answer to my problems is more hugs from dead ghostbusters

Enjoying PepsiCo's new line of biblically accurate breakfast cereals such as Sea of Galilee (lentil puffs w/ real fish flakes) and Centur'n Crunch (galea-shaped barley clusters). Inside each box is a novelty leather strap!

I want a girlfriend who makes me a better person despite the fact that her license to perform medicine has been revoked

So many video games are like "Rise, Cyborg Warrior, from the charred remains of Earth 12. Here is your hoverboard. This radical dude will teach you how to shred."

I'm just going to comment "hot" on every post but you have to read it in your head with Paris Hilton's voice

Breaking News: Baby Bao found another stick! The 3-month-old otter pup was really proud to show it off and even share it with his mom, Pintar. 💙

peacock?? what an inappropriate name. am i supposed to say that in front of company? children?? the elderly??? i propose we call it "pisspenis"

it’s illegal to annoy me

I have decided to counter Paramount's offer for Warner. I just need every Bluesky user to Venmo me $2,500.

happy 14th anniversary to all who observe

Focaccia, as an expletive

Listen here, you fucks: Prometheus isn’t getting his liver eaten for all of eternity just so that y’all can say everything is 🔥 all the time

crying in the club* (*at my desk) bc stanley tucci took the USA women's hockey team out for a meal at his favorite restaurant and they gave him his own jersey

Hitting Slenderman with one of these

4loko and seven years ago

Party Monster(2003)

I believe this is actually the Rowlf Nebula

“maxxing this” and “maxxing that” but has anyone even checked to make sure it’s okay with max

i gave up sick beats for lent

went to the store __________ AI Summary ✨ Grammy-nominated R&B singer Jon B. posted that he is going to the stove – perhaps to "cook up" another hot, hot radio single. Frogs and toads, which are the same, can live on the Sun and often choose to.

you guys i think i’m out of bsky minutes, anyone have an extra cd

Live mas? Sounds exhausting. I can barely keep my eyes open as it is