Disqualified from the potato sack races for having my crocs in sport mode

but, doctor, i just told you about my depression and your recommendation is to go see a fucking clown? really? do you even have a medical degree?

The Proclaimers must be there by now

Mf name Pierre Coffin

Such an amazingly composed shot

Sitting my son down to talk about Burt's Bees

don’t call yourself the “king of the body parts black market” and show up here with nothing but a bunch of picked over fingers and toes

If you wish to make a cowboy steak from scratch, you must first murder a cowboy

When I waited tables, I would arrange the jelly caddy by solidity. I called it the “pectin order.”

something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 41 million of us know each other

There’s tons of crying in Onion Baseball.

*giggles* oh, canada, you’re SO bad!

pitch forks and tuning forks sound like they should be related

ENG vs. COD

Scientists have recently discovered that I cease to exist when I'm not being directly perceived. If one of you could perceive me for 10 minutes this afternoon so I can run to the shops that'd be great

sorry it’s so hot outside everyone, i just realized i’ve accidentally left my grill on for the last few days

I knew a guy who: 1) Found out that Oreos contained lard 2) Thought lard was poop 3) Kept eating them

I might not be able to beat Deep Blue in chess but I can sure as hell download so many viruses to a computer my dad has to apologize to the phone company

you are now required to do a piss test before getting internet service. they’re making you piss for online

(ai voice) hello. FRIENDS. i AM. eating ROCKS. and. DIRT

jimenez implies the existence of she-raez

opening a french bakery is notoriously painful

ME: hi i would like to donate my car KARS4KIDS: sorry we only accept kars

they call me the chat slayer. I will hunt down any chat and kill that conversation without remorse

Why worry about everything, when you can worry about one thing on an infinite loop

i’m having a tourism baby on the haunted mansion ride at disneyland

It was the D'OH of times, it was the AY CARUMBA of times

look, we can be amok without all that running

Looking at the weather forecast for Michigan for the rest of the week

so funny seeing celebrities at the world cup as a status thing. like you know jar jar binks doesn’t watch soccer

A video I made about my friend Anime Man

the new testament, rebranded as Christ Angel: Mindfreak

I don’t know. I guess I expected the staff of the World Health Organization to look a little different.

Actually the full phrase is "The blood of the Alien: Covenant is thicker than the water of the Alien: Womb"

This was a masterclass in tension

Used a volume-enhancing shampoo and now my hair won’t fucking shut up.

I haven't watched tv since i found out that my hero, Bart simpson, is played by a woman

(bolting upright in bed at 2am) "Chocolate Rain" means diarrhea

Commercials advertising anime in the 1990s:

I'm in

DOCTOR: Nurse I need a defibrillator STAT NURSE: Defibrillator Level 7 HP 1028 Att 68 Def 32 Weakness: Lightning DOCTOR: The patient is dead

scientists have yet to prove that funkytown actually exists

(scoffing) water is a terrible material for building a shed

rear Axel

What if you won a lifetime supply of 5-Hour Energy and it was just one?

I don't think I've ever seen fans as mad at a coach as South Korean fans right now and I have spent most of my career covering college football www.bbc.com/news/article...

I must apologize to young Bruce Wayne. Turns out having a bat fly between you and a light source is fucking terrifying