My dream sitcom is called “Ape Dad,” with the titular role played by an actual silverback gorilla.

My dad once set his text tone to “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak. Every single time he got a text, it played the first 20 or so seconds. Every. Text.

Raleigh, NC

Go Birds hatheaven.com/collections/...

If we all went one day without accepting cookies the internet would die

Maybe eventually Jurassic Park will have dinosaurs that can consent. Until then, we’re all guilty.

Her: You better not be the Face on Mars when I get in there Me:

Maybe eventually Jurassic Park will have dinosaurs that can consent. Until then, we’re all guilty.

Terence Newman, the 14-year NFL veteran, graduated a year ahead of me. I asked my homecoming date my sophomore year a day before he asked her. She was stuck with me.

Twelve more days in this month. Let's see if we can talk about Olivia Nuzzi every last one of them.

can someone help me find an icon to represent "Systemic corticosteroids are the standard of care, but 30-60% of patients become refractory to corticosteroid treatment"

(1/2) I had gone through a bad breakup in high school and was sitting next to my ex's friend at a play. We started holding hands. She whispered that she wanted to, but she was worried people would start to talk. I got up and exited the theater. She thought I was being moody and mysterious.

This is one sentence

Only 90s kids will remember

This character used to be funny and now it’s not wtf youtu.be/KF2X1o0FGA0?...

So many losers keeping totally quiet about so many atrocities and are all “Now wait just a gol damn minute, 17 year olds are beautiful!”

Pedophiles on X this week:

we are the sons of the hamburgers you could not help

Only 90s kids will remember

if you saw clark kent’s penis you’d know in a second he was some kind of alien

Actually, he’s Fetterman’s Monster

Gold leafing : Oval Office :: Chancres : Syphilitic Genitalia

I am so, so inspired by Joseph Tudisco, the incredible actor who plays Mike Santini on The Chair Company. He just kept at it and finally got his big break at 76. Absolute legend. www.esquire.com/entertainmen...

‘Bout to be a new wave soldier standing next to a young nun

Replace one word of a movie title with one entire movie title Star Wars: The Empire A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to The Forum

Imagine: a sexual dildo

“He blew him, Brendan. He blew Bubba and now Putin has a picture of it. Makes sense though. If a guy sucks your dick you have to invite him to your daughter’s wedding, it’s part of the code. The brojob code, Brendan”

Tricky appreciation night LFG open.spotify.com/playlist/4Ep...

My college roommate came home with a slide projector the school was getting rid of and an outdated reel about Yugoslavia. For several hours we projected the “YUGOSLAVIA” title card on the sorority house across the street. Just good clean fun.

Hot singles in your area can't wait to tell you their preference between "Karmacoma" and "Overcome."

Scorching hot babes in your area would prefer to just carry on with their lives.

Nazi pedophiles polling at 30% doesn’t feel like a win

Until I can consult an AI Necronomicon, I am not interested in

(The most perplexingly unhinged voice ever, gravely but like a reanimated corpse) I want you to have my baby

Hell yeah 5:00 baby. Was looking at my monitor, now looking at my phone.

Vikings were drinking a lot of piss and doing insane activities

just torched this mfer oink oink

the James Bond series is an opportunity to finally meld the Bond and Mr Bean timelines

Whenever the kindly old witch of the woods soothes my malady, it's just rubbing me all over with a bunch of spit and moss. It's not a real healing trick it's just spit. Get a life you crazy hag.

Vegetalia

Charlotte, the classic border town

I think among the wealthy raping teens and being a nazi is just an everyday thing that for some reason us poors have a problem with

Could AI do THIS?! (ejaculates)

I'm not joking when I say that every network should air a daily briefing from the president himself about the progress and granular decision-making regarding the ballroom. Every single day.

‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation

welcome back. if you're just joining us, nazis are defending pedophiles

John Fetterman and I don't always agree because he's a dunce and my opinions are correct

what if pennies be the change I want to see in the world then what

I'm not joking when I say that every network should air a daily briefing from the president himself about the progress and granular decision-making regarding the ballroom. Every single day.