the gross portrait in the attic keeps getting younger and prettier while i am turning into a dried out husk

*disassociating so hard i’m an optimist again*

get in the car, babe. we’re going nowhere fast

tried to get embroiled in a small town murder mystery, but kept getting asked to save christmas instead. it’s freaking january

realtor: i love the vibes of this room. it just hums with energy me: no. i think the walls are actually humming. is there a bee hive in the walls realtor: haha. no. no me: pretty sure there are bees in the wall realtor: no me: i hear them realtor: oh that? that’s wasps

those rice crispy treat elves broke into my house and they really do make those sounds when you hit them with a bat

the weird conservative instinct to get filmed publicly working out for attention is not at all gay. doing so with young (probably teenage) college athletes is also super straight

me: i’d like to buy this sleeping bag cashier: that’s a garbage can me: *slowly sinking into can* name your price

"Ha…'FLOATERS'!" the dying optometrist gasps. "That's just what the American Medical Association forces us to call inter-dimensional eye spiders!"

*typing “when government actions made sense” into pornhub*

*wearing tear away clothes through a tsa checkpoint and making direct eye contact with all of them agents just begging for a reason*

hey girl, are you fear? because you’re constantly in my mind

now take over Puerto Rico. claim it as a US territory. ratify it as a state. make it officially part of the US with it’s own empowered representatives

2026 is gonna be my year

it’s almost like we weren’t exaggerating or being dramatic about the consequences of voting this way

*just waiting for the black mirror credit music to start*

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

professor: why are you like this? me: i read as a child

"New year, new me!" I shout, bursting forth from my chrysalis, dripping with the liquified remains of my larval form

<dog with a stomach ache> I should eat a blanket !!!

Not to be all told-you-so, but I warned you not to fuck with my attack hamster.

me: what’s your secret? you’ve barely aged a day in years museum employee: *into walkie-talkie* that guy who keeps talking to the statues is back

living that cutie patootie life

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

hey. so sorry i ghosted. i died last month

i’m tired of dating apps. i want to meet someone the old fashioned way, through land contracts

genie: you have three wishes me: that is way too many decisions

me: *tearing down christmas lights* neighbor: what are you doing? me: i know it’s early but thought i’d get a jump on it neighbor: no. what are you doing on my roof?

me: the thing that christmas gifts and urns have in common is they both end up in a pile in my basement my in laws: can you get off the car? we need to go home

apparently "he’s just not that into you" is not an appropriate response to a kid's father leaving. anyways, i’m no longer a school counselor

(when the bill at a restaurant is brought) me: *neurospicy* i got this friend: okay. cool. thank you (fifteen minutes later alone in my car) me: i GOT this I got this I got THIS i got THis i GoT ThIS

(over text) friend: i think someone has broken into my house me: *four months later* neat

employment agent: how did you get fired from your last job? me: i’m not going to lie, pretty easily

townsfolk: you should come to the festival me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival? townsfolk: which will entice you to be there? me: oh i’m going regardless

boss: i hate "yes men” me: yeah. me too boss: i like employees who speak their mind me: yeah. they’re the best boss: you get me me: yep

A shot for shot remake of Jurrasic Park, except all the dinosaurs are pigeons.

spouse: why is there a cow in the front yard? me: remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one? spouse: yeah me: well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow

all these people at this church wedding are wearing black and the groom is lying in a box and no one looks happy when i say “congratulations”

I love making a significant scientific discovery and running blindly through the crowded halls of my early twentieth century university with a bundle of loose papers in my outstretched arms

KRANGAROO

boss: we gotta talk about you sleeping at work me: well, first I take some nyquil- boss: you can't sleep at work me: you can if you try!

me: *tucks my kid into bed* kid: you really don’t need to do this anymore kid’s spouse: you don’t even live here

when i die, i’d like to be hollowed out and turned into a muppet so i can continue to concern and horrify my family

if you're worried about dying alone, get a pet. and then more pets. build a pet army. win companions through fear. become a god

Sorry I'm just in a really bad place right now (United States)

When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang

all i do is answer emails all day. i don't care whose emails. if i see an email, i answer it. no open computer is safe. my family is worried

interviewer: waht’s your greatest strength? me: my sword interviewer: uh...okay. and what’s your greatest weakness? me: i don’t know how to use a sword

doctor: are you sexually active? me: *pikachu noises*