me: i just found what i believe is another oscar worthy screen play studio exec: what’s it about? me: world war two adrien brody: *falling through the ceiling* did someone call me?

gal gadot’s acting feels like a person trying real hard to read

apparently "he’s just not that into you" is not an appropriate response to a kid's father leaving. anyways, i’m no longer a school counselor

If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.

I like to sit under trees with my notebook & wonder what the tree is thinking watching me scratch words on its family's pulverized remains.

(when the bill at a restaurant is brought) me: *neurospicy* i got this friend: okay. cool. thank you (fifteen minutes later alone in my car) me: i GOT this I got this I got THIS i got THis i GoT ThIS

(over text) friend: i think someone has broken into my house me: *four months later* neat

employment agent: how did you get fired from your last job? me: i’m not going to lie, pretty easily

townsfolk: you should come to the festival me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival? townsfolk: which will entice you to be there? me: oh i’m going regardless

boss: i hate "yes men” me: yeah. me too boss: i like employees who speak their mind me: yeah. they’re the best boss: you get me me: yep

A shot for shot remake of Jurrasic Park, except all the dinosaurs are pigeons.

spouse: why is there a cow in the front yard? me: remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one? spouse: yeah me: well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow

all these people at this church wedding are wearing black and the groom is lying in a box and no one looks happy when i say “congratulations”

I love making a significant scientific discovery and running blindly through the crowded halls of my early twentieth century university with a bundle of loose papers in my outstretched arms

KRANGAROO

boss: we gotta talk about you sleeping at work me: well, first I take some nyquil- boss: you can't sleep at work me: you can if you try!

me: *tucks my kid into bed* kid: you really don’t need to do this anymore kid’s spouse: you don’t even live here

when i die, i’d like to be hollowed out and turned into a muppet so i can continue to concern and horrify my family

if you're worried about dying alone, get a pet. and then more pets. build a pet army. win companions through fear. become a god

Sorry I'm just in a really bad place right now (United States)

When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang

all i do is answer emails all day. i don't care whose emails. if i see an email, i answer it. no open computer is safe. my family is worried

interviewer: waht’s your greatest strength? me: my sword interviewer: uh...okay. and what’s your greatest weakness? me: i don’t know how to use a sword

doctor: are you sexually active? me: *pikachu noises*

make your neighbors leave you alone by lugging heavy duffle bags to your trunk every night

was trying to figure out a combo in a fighting game and accidentally opened up a portal to a parallel universe where people need me. it’s a nightmare

[living on a rock that is moving through an infinite space at sixty seven thousand miles an hour] what should we have for dinner

me: *visits a haunted house* i hope nothing spooky happens *nothing happens* me: *megaphone to lips* I HOPE NOTHING SPOOKY HAPPENS!

townsfolk: you should come to the festival me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival? townsfolk: which will entice you to be there? me: oh i’m going regardless

cop: and how do you explain all the blood found in your bathroom? me: …flossing

After hearing how eating too much sugar and carbohydrates affects the human body I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to

Dentist just told me that he needs to put me down.

there are literally no rules saying your new years resolutions can’t be for evil

(at an art museum) me: wow. so life like. you could swear it was a real person security guard: please get away from me me: IT CAN TALK?

hilarious prank: replace your neighbor's doorbell sound with the sound of a million baboons screaming in terror

date: what’s on the menu? me: words, mostly

apparently if you buy enough hamsters in a day, the pet stores cut you off

boss: i hate "yes men” me: yeah. me too boss: i like employees who speak their mind me: yeah. they’re the best boss: you get me me: yep

i just found this show called “murder she wrote” about this old woman writing up alibis for the ungodly number of people she’s clearly killing in her small town

Her: let’s role play Me: ok I’ll be elmo and you’ll be- Her: elmo? Me: oh fuck yes two elmos

cashier: have a nice day me: how

personal trainer: how’s your nutrition? me: *dipping my burrito into custard* not going to lie. it’s been worse

"you know some people with insomnia end up hallucinating," i tell my 12 foot hamster, theo. he didn't know that but his talking burrito did. they’re getting married on thursday. civil ceremony. their officiant is a tug boat

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

becca: [fries beans] rebecca: [refries beans]

Those Lethal Weapon movies are so unrealistic. There’s no way Mel Gibson is friends with a black guy

me: i’m ready for bed brain: sounds good me: but first I want some ice cream brain: also good me: and to watch some television brain: spectacular me: let’s just stay up all night and be miserable tomorrow brain: why not?

doctor: it’s not looking good me: *standing in the doorway having just walked in* you haven’t even done any tests yet doctor: *pointing at all of me* it’s pretty obvious