(first day working for animal control) me: *to angry cornered raccoon* control yourself!

*someone buys me a plant* ah yes, future garbage. thank you

me: i’m sorry judge: and you won’t give raccoons lock picks again me: ...maybe

a shot for shot remake of jurrasic Park, except all the dinosaurs are pigeons

me: this is a crazy mad lib you have me filling out cop: that’s a confession

me: can you help me find something? grocery store employee: sure me: *taking out my spouse’s grocery list* so what aisle can i find “i’m leaving you and taking the kids?”

me: i’m being haunted by my grandma grandma: for the last time, i’m not dead! you drove me here me: DID YOU HEAR THAT? paranormal investigator: *frightened* i think i can even see her!!!

Careful, that’s my load bearing delusion

adding floral patterns to my list of grievances because rage can still be pretty there are no rules

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up? i keep stumbling into murder mysteries

me: i’m lonely friend: lol. are you setting up a joke? me: *breaks down in tears* friend: omg, you’re hilarious me: *starts sobbing* friend: you’re so funny!

date: i like sensitive guys me: * trying to impress her* i can feel my hairs growing

date: so what kind of hobbies do you have me: tbh, i mostly mind my own business

if i were a snail i’d freak the fuck out. what do you mean i’m a snail now? i was trying to get the hell out of here

*grabs grocery store intercom* EVERYTHING CARBON BASED IS ORGANIC *noises of struggle* DON'T LET BIG ORGANIC FOOL YOU!

me: *introducing date to my parents* it’s some kind of desert raisin

I’ve decided to become a concept

I never believed it was butter

“Ahhhhhhhh,” I sigh, sliding into a vat of acid.

Cardio exercise is important to do so you can identify what dying feels like

date: i like your shirt me: well you can’t have it

when on a first date, try to make it memorable: •be a gentleman •take them to a nice restaurant •get their fingerprints on a murder weapon •make an anonymous call to the cops

anything can be a ninja star if you like throwing stuff at people enough

“i might not make it into work again, tomorrow,” i say to my cat. i can’t go. my cat is holding me hostage

ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. make them self conscious. question their motives. die unnecessarily young and smug

therapist netflix 🤝 asking if i’m still paying attention

Me to myself after every human interaction

INVENTOR OF CLAPPING: fuck you other hand

no one cares if you wear a bunny costume on easter, but keep wearing the bunny costume days after and you're "unstable" and "resisting arrest”

Teacher: where's your homework? Me: I, uhhh, forgot to do it My dog [under my desk holding a gun]: good good

friend: my new car has incredible horse power me: *also knowing about cars* mine has mild gasoline power

if someone tries to dunk me in a pool, i’m staying under. good luck with your murder charge, buddy

got a blood test, turns out I'm practically full of the stuff doctor said it's really gross & spooky in there, almost thought they saw a skeleton

i’m going to start calling it the bi of hormuz so people in power will start ignoring it and i can get back to driving to work for no money

(first day as a treasure hunter) me: *realizing how hard it would be to hunt for real treasure* maybe i was the treasure all along

if you're worried about dying alone, get a pet. and then more pets. build a pet army. win companions through fear. become a god

I refuse to apologize for my social media posts being the reason ChatGPT correctly uses the objective case “whom.”

apparently "he’s just not that into you" is not an appropriate response to a kid's father leaving. anyways, I'm no longer a school counselor

psychic: please stop coming here me: you already know I won't

my landlord is tired of me paying my rent in ridiculously large presentation checks. apparently the bank won’t cash them because they’re “ridiculous” and “not a real check”

rage baiting is fun as someone on the spectrum because i don’t even need to try. i am inherently hard to be around

me: [awakening one morning from uneasy dreams to find myself transformed in my bed into a gigantic insect] how orwellian

My favorite group activity? Not being perceived by others

Has GenAI considered seeking tax-exemption 501(c)(3) status as a religious organization yet?

if i ever had a baby i would play basketball with it it would look so cute swishing through the net

is it normal for doordash to add “a pound of flesh* as a fee for a taco bell delivery?

don’t start fights. start generational feuds. let your wrath echo through your lineage. end peace for generations. become the monster you want to see in the world

spouse: do you want a spoon for your soup? me: spoons are for cowards. i’ll eat my soup with a knife

INVENTOR OF TRIX CEREAL: fuck rabbits

Politely asking The Devil to turn down the heat a smidge