i’m not ready for ww3 i haven’t had a threesome yet

i tried to teach my kids how to read through spaghettios and now they speak in tongues

you punch one peacock and “you’re not allowed in the zoo anymore.”

eating microplastics on purpose bc i dont want my body to decompose when i die

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

if I had to choose I would scream in italian by default

got fired after my first day as a crossing guard even tho i didn’t let one of those kids get by me

many people thought building an arc for the end times was foolish. they were right. i am broke and we’re in a drought

me: *panicking in the backseat* i think this waymo is trying to kill us friend: haha. that’s how they’re built

murderer: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! me: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

your sex life is nobodies’ business besides you, your partner, and the ghost that lives in your antique wardrobe

my favorite thing about having adult money is giving it all to the government and bills

your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after i opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

the people teaching me hadn’t read the book they were teaching and it was painfully obvious after i actually read the damn thing

when i die, i want to donate my body to comedy bits

me: a bear is just an angry couch park ranger: sir, get slowly off the bear me: *snuggling in* no

hey babe this teriyaki sauce expired in (checks label) 2019 but were you keeping it for a specific purpose

they stole an hour from women

“Hahaha, of course I’m not a witch,” I laugh, then sneeze and burst into a dozen bats.

all these people at this church wedding are wearing black and the groom is lying in a box and no one looks happy when i say “congratulations”

*living in 2026 with a cellphone*

[after a solid minute of the funeral director staring at us, i repeat] …bunk coffins [my wife doing stacked hands motion] like…double decker

*batman voice* do you have any cough drops

i grew horns under the blood moon probably nbd

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

mom: what do want to do when you grow up? willy wonka: open a candy factory- mom: awe willy wonka: to lure children- mom: uhm willy wonka: to their death

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

i saw my priest at a strip club outside of town. it was kind of awkward, but i have to admit he was surprisingly flexible

So weird how hot dogs come in packages of ten and your dad tried to kiss me

posting about raccoons while 38,000 feet in the air. this is what my ancestors fought for.

date: so what kind of hobbies do you have me: tbh, i mostly mind my own business

first beaver to see moving water: this has got to be stopped!

*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

cop: know why I pulled you over? me: *sliding off of elephant* zoo wants its elephant back? cop: *nodding* the zoo wants its elephant back

(first day as a zookeeper) boss: why haven’t you let anyone into the zoo? me: because it’s mine now

enormous baby shoes for sale. could fit adult. in fact these might be adult shoes. definitely did not fit my baby

doctor: are you sexually active? me: my pokemon are

I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

Repeat after me: I am valid. I am loved. My terrible secret is safe. They'll never find out. My sinister ulterior motives remain unseen.

mom: *texting* hey, your voicemail is full me: *checking my voicemail to find 95 voicemails from my mother saying “hey, tried to reach you. call me back.”* *throws phone into the ocean*

psychic: please stop coming here me: you already know i won't

date: you look nervous me: *nervously* ha. i’m never nervous date: you’re sweating me: *just freaking out* that’s bravery moisture

dentist: do you feel anything? me: haven’t in years

let your neighbors know you aren’t friendly by cleaning out the back of your car with bleach in your driveway twice a month at 2:00 in the morning

not enough soup restaurants named brothels

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you? Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

i have a theory that when you’re born you are allotted a random, finite number of “awake” minutes for your entire life and when you use them up you die. this thought keeps me up at night which is highly counterproductive

like my mother always said, “stop talking about the best way to dispose of bodies. they don’t know you got the tism.”