How bad does shit have to get before I stop posting jokes and just ghost? It's getting close.

I just ate way too much food so now i'm gonna balance things out by drinking way too much beer

The feminine urge to burst into tears when you're super angry. (So annoying)

Lionel Richie: Hello. Me: Hi there. LR: Is it me you’re looking for? Me: I’m actually heading to— LR: I sometimes see you pass outside my door. I was probably lost. LR: Hello. Me: Um… I‘ve been alone with you inside my mind. *runs*

eating mashed potatoes with butter, heavy cream, fresh mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar because I've been lifting (the weight of my mother's expectations)

Pretty wild how much more I support your brand if I don’t have to watch commercials about it.

Care Bear stares you

Get married so someone can remind you "didn't you just get drunk last night" every time you're about to get drunk

You know who else was "just doing their job"? The tattoo artists who agreed to the barbed wire arm bands

do girls see how far they can get away from the toilet while pissing or not really

Brutalism in the streets, Art Nouveau in the sheets

Sasquatch's mama taking him to Big and Tall for a halloween costume

"I want you to want me" "Sure. Sounds reasonable" "I need you to need me" "This is all moving kinda fast for me" "I'd love you to love me" "Whoa. Maybe we can just be friends?" "I'm beggin' you to beg me" "Alright, that one doesn't even make sense"

Yeah you say you're old but do you have a "good" broom?

I'm sorry for what I said when my sleeves kept touching my arms

Buttchugging can save valuable time and put money back in your wallet, in this essay I will...

they should make a video game about the mediocre mario brothers

Here go James Cameron again all like “wut if fancy Smurfs went to Burning Man”

Solidified gravy on a stick

What the world needs now is more Etsy witches.

Nothing fuels a workout like a female rage playlist. I swear I could have bitten the handle off the kettlebell

I always have drugs on me to get to meet drug sniffing dogs

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

Thank goodness my mother smoked cigarettes instead of taking Tylenol when she was pregnant with me

Another way to understand wood grain is to pet a cat

trying to even out the strings on my hoodie: a memoir

Interact with me, right now!

Get married so your partner can cut their toenails on the carpet and say IT'S FINE, ILL PICK THEM UP when they most certainly will not

keep your fingers crossed for me I put an application in to be a scrotum model or, as I like to say, scrodel

in an alternate universe my nudes are airbrushing me

I'm the one in the friend group always passing out the pills (pepcid)

thinking about becoming a temporary tattoo sleeve guy

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. You need to accept that those people are hideously ugly

genius is 1% inspiration, 1% perspiration and 98% trepanation

The best part of being french is going to anyone, look them in the eye and say "weewee"

when the four horsemen of the apocalypse finally do show up i honestly think we should teach them about electric bikes

looking forward to the next big thing so I can ignore it too

I just got beers and Chinese food so imma bouta be buzzed and gassy. Who wants this (crotch chop)?

You should know I've fallen in love with your mind 1,000 times over, not in a weird way, but the other way, the completely normal and not weird at all way

They say drink water and stretch. I prefer crying and regretting all my choices.

Million Dollar Idea: qtips that are allowed to go in your ear

one way to tell if you’re weird is if your best friend is a sock puppet

A seemingly never-ending amount of clowns exiting a tiny car except it's a ska band and they're all sax players.

Buttholes are the original glory holes.

the audacity of these fluffy-ass biscuits

when a shitpost flops it means you got pooed offstage

some days i feel like a grotesque creature from your nightmares, some days i feel like the hottest bitch alive. and that’s on being a woman.

Trying to get my ass eaten at a haunted house this year

you’re telling me this entire Siberian Orchestra is trans?