they say when your kid is ready, you’ll know. last night i sat my daughter down to have the talk. about juggalos.

It’s actually pretty easy to herd cats if they’re all hungry and you start dumping food on the ground

wake me up when it’s hammer time again

“4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea” implies 20% of people enjoy diarrhea

the smell of teen spirit was way better when i was one

Oh yeah? Well yo mama couldn't even propagate a spider plant in ideal soil conditions

i need a HOT PERSON™ to turn me inside out before the world ends

ask your doctor if giving me a little forehead kiss is right for you

“my hair looks so good tonight” i say, combing my pubes

If you are looking for a scalp in particular, check out the scalp drawer, the drawer where I keep my various scalps.

third base is when the self checkout asks if you’re sure you put the item in the bag

Stolen velour, is that a thing?

I'm obviously having a hard time adapting to a life of not having someone climb on me and slap my face with their boobs when I feel sad

Why like the post when you can reply to the cow for free?

hold on, I need to hear more from the pro-murder side before commenting

The fat loss industry hates this one simple trick: stop eating like a raccoon in a dumpster with free will.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who has only read one book

don't worry, it looks like things will get worse before they become even more worse

I’ve been hoarding clarified butter in preparation for the coming lobster wars

"When you see a robot, you are legally required to put your fingers in it's mouth" - every man, ever

You’ve heard it here first, folks *farts*

Things I have air fried this week instead of getting help - chicken cordon bleu - chicken tikka samosas - chicken nuggets

JUDGE: how does your client plead MY LAWYER: like a whiny little bitch your honor ME: hey quit it i do not JUDGE: whoa i see what you mean counselor MY LAWYER: right? so annoying

[first day as a therapist] so you get to lie down and i don’t? that’s not fair. scooch

Half duck, half beaver, half kangaroo. God’s most perfect creation.

“Your skin is glowing!” Thanks, it’s anxiety sweat.

Asking strangers in the elevator for dental floss is my new kink

Believe them when they tell you they are dumb af

Oh hey, look at this new TV show about a quirky doctor stuck in a small town that's certainly never been done before

If you don’t know coke etiquette, give me back my tooter

Saying “I promise to never stop masturbating to you” during my wedding vows

Stranger Things but it’s set in Letterkenny

Best Friend: “can I come over and meet Alfie?“ Me: “let me ask him.” Alfie: [dismissive wave of paw] Me: “he says stay home.”

Jerking off a maple tree over my plate of waffles

You look like eerie, jaunty piano music plays every time you enter a room.

if you’re mentally exhausted it’s bc you’ve been paying attention

A pill that makes me feel whatever people feel when they wanna show you they can juggle

A sext...

Guys, I’m still writing 2025 on my death threats lol

beautiful souls are shaped by ugly experiences

You look like you display off brand Lego in your dinning room buffet hutch

promise me we all get really into shrinkydinks again in 2026

my mom gave me the thickest, softest fucking blanket for christmas and I wish you all had one too

*grabbing your ankle from inside the sewer grate* happy new year

You don't know me but I'm the little voice in your head yelling "stop" while you continue pulling on that hang nail

That time of year when we welcome the new year… only to curse it in 6 months.

We all have that one friend who's a sock puppet that got permanently fused to our hand during a lightning storm and now it whispers sinister coded instructions to us at night time

Huddled in a hollowed out tree organizing my pills

At some point today I have to do chores. I must be brave about this. They won’t hurt me. I approach slowly. Make no sudden movements. When they least expect it, they’ll get done.