You don't know me but I'm the guy who sliced bread slices in half and called it diet bread

I didn't come here to not be insulted.

i call my beaver the woodchipperer

Hey buddy, want to buy some wind chimes? *I open my trench coat and 100 wind chimes fall out*

Get comfortable with the uncomfortable

Need to fix your heart? Take my 5yo shopping and let her scream "Hi!!" at every single person she sees

Always choose the treadmill closest to the defibrillator I know this now

My sister made this.

keeping things fresh by making dolphins noises in the boudoir

never got bullied in school, but i have a cat, so i get it

Oh hey! Good morning! 🩷

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

I’m not saying I’m a werewolf, but I do get irritable and need snacks after dark.

Any weekend plans? I can't decide if I'm going to come in like a wrecking ball or rock you like a hurricane.

Touching grass to pick up dogshit still counts, right?

The beatings will continue until I'm tired of beating you. -me, playing Scrabble

if i'm being honest I don't know much about science book

oh my ass? i think you mean my twerk of art

caveman stuck in ice for thousands of years thinking to himself that he really needs to pee

omg babe, are you STILL mad I crawled inside your labia and called you a tauntaun from the ice planet of Hoth?!

How the rain calls me towards you How the rain calls us home.. #brokenpoet

so has anyone been told by a stranger that they wanted to dic you up and you’re like no man I’m good then finished chewing that sweet Crêpes Suzette you’ve been craving for all afternoon?

Last night I dreamt my toenails were catalogued for the great World Toenail Compendium, which was an honour I wasn't expecting, in all honesty.

Hello? Yes, I'd like to report a bustle in my hedgerow

Her: what are you thinking about? Me: If I had photosynthesis would I have to stay inside to lose weight? Her: [puts clothes back on]

genesis was just god’s first mcrib marketing test

*during sex* okay but why did your tone change

Sometimes life has a really fucked up way of reminding you what’s important.

I prefer to seize the night, carpe PM as I say

Please read my posts in order of palpable desperation.

*uses McDonald's biscuits to patch drywall*

forgot the cup part of the kuerig this morning. the troubling part was the 5 seconds I stood looking at my counter confused because thats 4 seconds too long.

Conquer the world? Buddy, I’m lucky if I can get out of bed two days in a row.

Which one of you sluts is going to validate me next?

Listening to someone complain non-stop, fully aware they are the problem, is my new cardio.

I am physically unable to go through a yellow light without saying "ha ha haa" in a menacing voice

I like to search "wrong answers only" and post the right answer as a little treat

For $5 I'll become your Aunt June and buy a bird named Flicker

[visiting fathers death bed] “I'm sorry for any pain I caused you” *struggling to talk* hi sorry for any pain I caused you, I'm dad

kill the cop in your head to the tune of feel the rain on your skin

i have a favorite mailbox. hi! im 90 years old in this post

Nobody ever talks about the lesser known Southern Lights

Have you heard the latest music? It's very loud

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS- THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!

Welcome to another episode of “Am I dying or is this just what being old feels like?”

“I’m with you 100%.” TRANSLATION: I’m with you maybe 17%.

Storks are terrifying. If one dropped a baby on my doorstep, I would drown that unnatural, demon given thing.

Smart posts? Nah. I just set the bar low then clear it with style.

THAT CRUMPLED MCDONALD'S BAG CAME WITH THE CAR!

yeah just shove my face into the dirt that’s perfect keep going