who gives a shit if it’s butter

Those terrors cast such cute shadows to get you to pet them but I've pet shadows before. You get nothing back. They don't live with you, they don't curl up on you at night. The wall puppets you make, aloof

I remember when you used to love when my frantic scurrying kept you awake all night

Sometimes, I go back in time, like 5 minutes. I probably smoke too much pot.

I am never not excited when I see fireflies and cake

the biggest mistake we make as a people is putting our friend the humble potato in the fridgerator

i don’t know the difference between a stromboli and a calzone but i will do enthusiastic mouth stuff on either one

Star Wars is my favorite movie about how everyone can tolerate a little bit of incest as long as you save the galaxy

babe i have to get really high all the time or i will die

"In small packages, sometimes big packages come. I’m saying my dick is big. I have a huge penis, Luke.."

oh yeah that's where I left my banana

Look lady, I get that you might not want your baby to get a contact high, but it’s a big church, pick another pew.

It’s none of my business whether those squirrels are fighting or fucking.

“Remember kids, if you really wanna stick it to the man—you better hold on to all the good shit w an iron fist” I say pressing play on the boombox so Good Mornin’ Life by Dean Martin can ring the fuck out

fuckin to the Gummi Bears theme

[writing in funeral book] He owed me $50. No rush.

horny for tacos

You know when your wife turns off the lights and you reach over to touch her face but instead grab a boob and for a moment you think, wait thats not my wifes face, I think thats snoopy..

people always say they want someone funny and then wonder why they get someone damaged

Donut bong Or are you all unimaginative cowards?!

fuckboi scott fitzgerald was his full name

first day no delta 8, the vibe is like, i hate life

reaching nirvana (eating taco bell stoned)

If your kink is being constantly disappointed, I’ll have you drenched all the fuckin time.

Take a break, baby, I can fuck this up for both of us

[spinning a rotisserie chicken on the tip of my finger] S'up

telling my work i can’t make it in tonight because i’m on the lam

A disabled woman discovers she may also have cancer and her husband, who noped out a month ago, never bothered to ask how the appointment went - Divorced For Christmas, Coming to Hallmark this holiday season!

Billie Joel voice, “I’m in love with a hotdog squirrel, she’s been living in downside world.”

unfortunately, I remember my shower thoughts

Saw a raccoon walking around in broad daylight today—I don’t think it had rabies, but then again it was wearing a pretty weird hat.

like chef boyardee, my rhyme is truly cooking

Stick a pressure washer up my ass and call me Lynette This isn't a euphemism; it's just my kink

Dystopia, dat topia, we got all kinds of fuckin Topias here

It's a very busy day everywhere. Even at your mom's.

my sleep number bed is set to 42069

warming it over the cup like stroopwafel

I’d-smoke-it if literal: a burger joint

My favorite film genre is two horny dogs eating spaghetti

my sexy alt would be called connie lingus

It is midnight IN MY SOUL

anyone got any indistinguishable pills rolling around the bottom of your purse you need me to try?

I want a sundae with a short scoop and a loooong banana

oh to be a fly on the wall, quietly rubbing my hands together while vomiting

huh. this suppository tastes kind of minty

Wounds open 24/7

Weed is a plant and it comes from the earth. Gelatin is made from cows and cows live on earth. Thusly, a weed gummy to celebrate Earth Day is appropriate.

Today, I will give thanks by dedicating my weed smoking to Mother Earth