My girlfriend a very flirty text-er, as my estranged wife can attest.

anything can be tainted depending on how i sit

we gotta arm the trees and wildlife, they are our only hope

40 mg deep in this Thursday

Don’t restart Disney Plus — Corey Feldman just got sent home from Dancing With the Stars what the hell is going on there

I too am over 35

Here's my “take“ on things: yoink!

Look, I don't know what your plans were. But you keep that cheese grater away from my genitals

prehensile glizzy

It's definitely a spirit because everything has one. The noises have some, the blur behind you in the mirror sometimes, and even this very conclusion, self-sufficient with spirit. Have you always had trouble with the spirit of introductions "Hi I'm an essay with just an ending"

Putting my glasses on so I can see how far to fuck off.

i fly like keenan get high like kel

The opposite of cellar door is creamy coleslaw

Hello? Hi. I'm calling in regards to upgrading my sexual matador for the horny rodeo clown package. Yes, I'll hold.

If I'm going to throw this back out its not going to be doing yoga.

Are you kidding i'm transcendent like a motherfucker

Rich Nipples United States, Census, 1930

so wait. if this place barely registers any influence that would mean all those articles about how dangerous the bluesky echo chamber is to the global town square were just bad faith nonsense by journos butthurt at being told their ideas suck. i think i need to sit down.

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

I've got a plot hole that needs stuffing

nothing sadder than a flightless fuck

What a weird-ass Rapture. Only the Constitution disappeared.

so. let me get this straight. if I have autism when I take Tylenol, my kids will get pregnant?

What the cauliflower crust people don't want you to know is that's just a fucking salad now, are you happy?

But for the mass hysteria and public executions, trippin balls on rye fungus in 1692 Salem sounds like a lot of fun, actually

cornnilingus. you heard it here first.

Look, Mondo Super Sexy Guy is my alt account christ get your shit together

It's cool nobody checked in to see if I was still alive. I am. Drank almost a whole Pepsi. Ate almost a whole sleeve of saltines.

government shutdown will allow the halloween ghouls, ghosts and ghasts to roam freely this October

clonazeposting through it

Jokes on them, the story I told during taping was from the second season of Scooby Doo. And my stigmata has cleared up.

I remain the only person to get kicked off Celebrity Ghost Stories because producers thought I was “too demonic,” and “wasn’t a celebrity on any level.”

Oh, nothing. Just listening to the neighbor talking to animal control about trapping a skunk I know doesn’t exist.

Rigging an apparatus that sounds a massive gong whenever I open my mouth to speak.

the four horse girls of the apocalypse

thug wife

🎵 You must remember this A kiss is just a kiss A sigh is just a sigh The fundamental things apply As time goes by🎶 Me (two joints in): That’s so true. Things are what they are.

I got out of bed. Now what? Get up off the floor? Jesus. Where do these demands on me finally end?

Every time I think I'm up trying not to puke I'm actually up puking, so yeah, I've been disappointed by a rapture.

Lovebotomy

Maybe if I get high enough I can get a good view.

Turns out the pot at the end of the rainbow is way more potent than the pot that got me there

What time zone is the rapture happening in, cause like, it's almost midnight here and still no rapture.

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

🎶When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember we're all going to die, And then I don't feel so bad

Going to be really embarrassing for specific people when it is revealed "Autism" is just natural human evolution.

Is this wallowing hole taken?

I know for a fact if a major publication doesn't feature a photo of me crying in a dress that looks like it's made from a plastic American flag tablecloth that some bird shit on I will not enter into Patriot Heaven to receive my harem of Ashli Babbitts.

I hear the thunder. Who wants to come hold me?