"United" sounds like a fake word anyway

the brain is the most sensual organ…which is why i get mine waxed every two weeks

WebMC says I have the Crunk

while looking over upcoming employee birthdays we realized the largest number are in july which i have traced back to slutty halloween costumes

Seems like ages since anyone terrible has died.

I can never tell how old anyone is anymore since they became robots

Your daily fortune: It's ok to ask for help. Maybe the wine fairy will finally hear you.

Awfully cynical about the state of the union these days but damn, it still feels good to vote in person and fill in those ovals, even in a little local election – especially in a local election

Bassoonapalooza is so unorganized this year. They ran out of Louis Marie Eugène Jancourt t-shirts already.

You know that album "Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy)"? Our tigers don't. Stop trying to get them into Brian Eno, nerds.

Weird that classic rock has remained the same exact thing for my entire life.

When you think about it, the Donner party was kind of a pot luck.

Don’t push me. I’ll come for you. Systemically, like a bark beetle.

I went to CSU Fullerton. What's your excuse?

I'm rad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore

im edgar allen poe, welcome to jackass

*taking a pill every 30 seconds until someone on the zoom call says something*

Blowing up alleged drug traffickers in small boats is like cracking down on smoking by randomly killing 7-11 clerks.

Owl vs pig. Donkey vs. kangaroo. Bear vs tiger. Alliances have been formed... and it's back to the drawing board for our Hundred Acre Wood children's attraction.

jpeg is short for Jorts in Winnipeg

can i come over and ribbon-dance

[with Gavin Rossdale in my crosshairs] “this is for 911 you son of a bitch”

Tortellini salad is my favorite salad because it makes the word "salad" meaningless.

I hate when I wake up too early in the US and Bluesky is all: Lord Minister Flafferbunt and Glennsders at 12 Pembertwine reject Klorus Singular Berthwaits Pinkerbushwells push for Pobbelwaggins Clip Clopp

I'm better than my dad at the very least because nobody flinches when I take off my belt

Science has done amazing things but I just want a tube of sensitive toothpaste that moans when you squeeze it.

sending my freshly casted death mask as a response to an emergency room satisfaction survey

Why is The Guardian referring to Epstein as a "disgraced financier"? Did they not learn their lesson with "Disgraced clown, John Wayne Gacy"?

I bought a 4D printer. Turned it on and I think it might be printing in the Renaissance right now.

Seems like the right time to get into inverted pentagram sales.

The Zapruder GIF

Today's Tarot Card: Launch countermeasures if you can reach the button.

If you’re currently quarantined on a cruise ship you have to tell me

On top of everything else people are giving their babies pet names and naming their pets after grandpas. Like in twenty years hello yes this is my lawyer Mykayleigh Fauna, nice to see you Dr. Maverick Huckleberry

With inflation running out of control, how do you people afford to post so much?

“mandalorian and grogu” is how I have always referred to fiction and poetry, and I’m sad that they are now making it mean something else

If God were a dog, there'd be some terrifying things buried in the back yard.

Working for the present administration will henceforth be called “Carny Bootcamp.”

ME: you remind me of my mother WIFE: *chewing food and spitting it into my mouth* how so

Yes mom, I know what Jesus Christ had accomplished by my age

filling my weekly pill organizer with tiny dancers

Mother's Day at River Side Casino, where moms always get lucky.

give a man a waffle he eats for a day teach a man to waffle he’s indecisive for a lifetime

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Now that they have AI porn how can I tell if I'm jacking off to the real Shrek

A movie with a type 1 diabetic character, but there are no plot points around dangerous hypoglycemia or challenged access to insulin—they’re just a normal person who sometimes needs to check their glucose monitor and press some buttons on an insulin pump.

Hear that, kids? Mother on the roof!

ever meet someone and know they've never sung in their car

A forest is opposite a hospital and if you have been to both to breathe, you know. You've heard the whippoorwill as an IV pump alarming- a bird with persistence rivaling a machine. I've never seen anything in a hospital room fly away but a soul

I gave up teaching self-defense and just started telling everyone to get a ballroom.