i feel like Edgar Allen Poe wouldn’t seem so spooky if his name was Allen Edgar Poe

Using a time machine to go back and give Hitler penis enlargement surgery

whizzing around my magnificent library on a rolling ladder a la Belle; it’s filled with all the journals I’ve gotten but only written two pages in before forgetting about it and getting another.

🎶 They are not nice They're mostly noise 🎶 *I sing as seagulls attack me*

just finished building a ship in a la croix can. i mean i think it's done, i can't see it

pro tip: burn the land around the bridges too

"H.R. Giger used part of a real human skull when building the creature's head in the classic 1979 movie Alien." Trebek: "We were hoping for an interesting fact about you, Jeff."

Can books save America? Let's ask this asshole.

You can measure a soul by observing the quality of the stickers on their laptop.

guillotines are underrated as a headache removal tool

It's called Star Trek but the main character is named Star Fleet? Okay.

James Bond should be young, lithe and completely hairless

Contrary to popular belief, shouting "I'm a scientist" doesn't make you right or a scientist. It is pretty funny though

This is really all I want from life.

If I'm gonna pay this much for insurance, something terrible better happen to me or I'm gonna be furious.

Just wrote the last line of my Nanowrimo novel: "Nothing else can go wrong," he said to himself, the girl at his side, a full tank of gas in their Ford Pinto.

People say wolves are intelligent, but a third of our staff was able to beat them in head-to-head Chutes and Ladders.

democrats winning would cut into their fundraising

Democratic Senators just absolutely tanking on purpose in hopes of getting better picks in the expansion draft when we get new states

(listening to song) if I was bad company, you wouldn’t hear me bragging about it

Every scar tells a story. I call this one, The Tale of The Loose Porch Step.

asking the cop who pulled me over for going 109 in a 65 where we’re at in the dialectic

Tom Brady cloned his dog instead of rescuing one. Now I like him even less. My column: www.usatoday.com/story/opinio...

“I want you to understand what it is like to live in Chicago during this time.” aphyr.com/posts/397-i-...

My suburban childhood was a lot like what you saw in ET, except we didn't have to eat shit candy.

I just used my grandfather’s bench chisel to open a paint can. Anything goes. I sang a Sting song one octave down. Anything goes

[looking back on a long and fruitful career in tech] holy shit that sucked

why is there a nuclear bomb noise every time something goes wrong in my life? who is making the sound

Remember when we didn't scan the obituaries page with so much hope?

*grabs you by the lapel* wtf is a lapel????

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

i’m doing balloon animals for the party tonight hope everyone likes worms

If a woman makes intense eye contact as she places her empty cup under the Keurig but no man notices, does she even really need coffee? Probably not. There's gotta be another reason for her to be stabbing you like that.

ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to circle the block for parking

When you put pizza on a bagel you can do other more difficult things presumably

A joke I dont understand has 2k likes: a manifesto

If you're a TV reporter covering a shooting or stabbing at the Pine View Motel across the street, we'll throw you $50 to stand so our sign is in the shot.

we mobilized the whole country for ww2 there's no reason we can't do the same for stew for a rich, savory, glossy stew

Will the chafing ever end???

i wish i had a sandwich in my life

The zoo's lovable otters have threatened to stop being “so damned cute" until David Fincher makes Season 3 of Mindhunter.

[Dick Cheney's final breath] Tell my family I loved...war crimes

welcome to Yamaha. do you want a piano or a motorcycle?

with this curly fry, i thee, do wed

only 67% of the country can spell the word stattistics

Great! Now I'm being threatened by the local news station.

I've been trying to not shoot my mouth off by saying anything bad about Cheney.

(sobbing because I smell mustard and onions)