weird how few things are "big ol'" these days

one breakfast, extra slippery please

they are adding a sixth stage to grief called monkey mode

the boys love tendies! and by "tendies," i of course mean the 1934 F Scott Fitzgerald novel "Tender is the Night"

We just got the all-clear from security. Mandy Patinkin was escorted off the property before he could start singing to the echidnas.

the bones of my enemies broke my juicer

Just makin tiny stupid food things out of dollar store kids' clay. I'M NOT DONE WITH THE BLUEBERRY PIE, OKAY? I have to refine it and put the lattice crust on, but I, unfortunately, have a real job getting in the way of things.

Yes, and this is my associate, Graham Cracker

it takes a village to raise an asshole too

The closest I came to a threesome was the time I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's naked

Friday is a good day to let yourself go. Relax. Release your atoms. Become one with the darkness that lives between the trees or in the catacombs beneath crumbling seaside castles. You deserve it.

I haven't been posting recently because I got a good haircut and don't feel the need to compensate for anything.

Hmmm, Superman hasn't texted in a while

thinking about her (the squid in the abyssal zone that weighs over 1000 pounds)

One of my four essential hot sauce companies is going under. The economy just got personal.

"This too shall pass," I think, as I eat another band-aid.

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty, but unfortunately we still need to raise our ticket prices.

We were so excited to have Kevin Costner visit that we didn’t properly think through our Dances With Wolves interactive exhibit.

Someone in Heaven just hit a jackpot on our “Walker, Texas Ranger” slot machine

In high school band, all of us clarinet players started a war with the xylophone kids, and NATO came right in to clear that shit up.

Bluesky invested 100 millions to play the Wilhelm scream every time I post

if you can’t handle keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers, then you don’t deserve me respecting the privacy of you and your family at this time

Anyway the sincerest form of flattery is PAYING PEOPLE FOR THEIR WORK.

The machine we should be raging against is the toaster oven

tried to ask my dad Saturn for some advice on saving $$$ in groceries, but he was just like "eat your son" ???

Me: "Dick Van Dyke's wife is 46 years younger than him." Ken Jennings: "thank you for that, but we we're hoping for a fun fact about you."

humpty dumpty: (falling off the wall) please don’t write a nursery rhyme about this

Her: Where's your green? Me: Wearing green is believed to make you invisible to mischievous leprechauns, who pinch those they can see. Her: Me: I enjoy the pinching.

What's your favorite kind of music? 1. fast & loud 2. slow & sad 3. bloops & beats 4. silence of the cosmos

twins often have the same birthday

If I get bitten by a zombie, do not shoot me before I turn. I want to see what it’s like. Might be a whole new exciting chapter in my life.

I have decided not to get out of bed until I have a grandson who can win me a golden ticket.

The Acceptable Sandwich

Due to the overwhelming popularity of our animal birth announcements, we’ll be celebrating other important animal milestones, like animal graduation and animal divorce.

Too much reporting of the Oscars' categories' winners, not enough commentary on Pynchon's red carpet look.

In surprising news everyone who’s ever been rude to me is under arrest.

i think they’re called tongue depressors cause ur sad the popsicle’s gone

Bet you can't find the rabbit hiding behind the plant in this photo.

If you have Oscars fever, we have the cure: rapid administration of intravenous antibiotics, IV fluids to maintain blood pressure, and removal of the infection source within the first hour of diagnosis.

If you haven’t heard “I don’t care about the Oscars” quite enough today, give your college screenwriting teacher a call

spending entire movie trying to figure what to watch instead

Sorry guys, but the only way I can enjoy the Game of Baseball is if the US military-industrial complex is explicitly involved somehow

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. They tried to tell you, but you were doing stuff on your phone. You should really pay more attention in battle class.

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire, I'm so sorry for your loss.

hittin the buffet in full ceremonial garb