CHINA: We created a fleet of airborne wind capturing machines that will produce more electricity than we can ever use. AMERICA: We have coal!

[handcuffed] officer, the Dow is at the highest it’s ever been!!!

Contrary to arguments from editorial boards and prosecutors, the R. Kelly and Jeffrey Epstein cases are "Exhibits A and B in how secrecy protects predators, not their victims," @seth-stern.bsky.social and @jimderogatis.bsky.social write in @columjournreview.bsky.social.

*talking into a banana* no you hang up first

Sometimes it'll be like Wednesday or Thursday and yet I'll sing "Manic Monday" anyway. That's why I think I'd be the best MMA fighter.

come to me, dental plan

look i'm no olympian but one time a random guy on the internet offered to give me one of his teeth, which is not nothin

I think about this photo of Herman Melville all the time.

saw today that some dude at work was born in 2001 & in my mind he was a newborn baby sitting at a desk using a laptop

Sometimes when I'm bored I text a bunch of family members " I hope you're sitting down" then turn off my phone

Honored to be on last night’s Jeopardy!

All songs released before 1989 were recorded by the Eagles

Thank you for flying with us today! Our in flight movies today will be “Sully”, “Alive” and “Melania”

A Bud Cort story: when they were making "The Kid Stays In The Picture" and getting clearance from actors whose clips were to be featured in the documentary, Bud Cort said they could only use his Harold and Maude clips if he was allowed to pitch a sequel to the studio. That was a hard no. RIP Bud.

The right-wing war on party balloons must stop, before any other inflatables are hurt.

Make sure to tell your creative friends if you like what they're doing, because they think it's trash

The hair and makeup budget for the present administration rivals the GDP of most red states

having your city noticed by the president is now a natural disaster on par with a hurricane or major flood

Maybe we could explore the idea of selfhood in the immigrant population first and then move on to the World's Biggest Animatronic Parrot

If you don't sound like an anxious cartoon jalopy when you're turned on this is never gonna work

Today all my internal organs dried out and shriveled up inside me, so please, let me come out and be the maracas in your band.

filling my weekly pill organizer with false optimism

did you know ear wax glows under a blacklight?

I miss the days when Olympians contracted hitmen to take out rivals with a tire iron

Being annoying and irrelevant should be an Olympic sport

You know who else shouldn't be president? Leatherface

As a society that started using "on the reg" because it was too much work to pronounce "regularly," we were kind of doomed anyway.

This year is the 100th anniversary of the discovery of PCP just in case you wanted a reason tear a car door off with your bare hands in celebration

The question is not who is the sexiest Muppet (Rowlf) but how is it that so many of the Muppets are sexy.

I know it's not a real song (yet), but the first thing that popped into my head is 500 Muppets singing "There goes Mr Asshole! There Goes Mr Bitch!"

ME: it’s not delivery it’s digiorno HOSPITAL NURSE: um ok let’s get your wife to the digiorno room

When someone tells me how old their child is I say "that's such a fun age" even if it's 37

It's always interesting to see which Super Bowl team Jesus punishes.

it's great how -- for the forseeable future -- the Super Bowl half-time show is going to be a national Rorschach test seperating the normal from the joyless.

two kinds of patriot lost today

... and a special congratulations to all the celebrities endorsing AI products.

Oh! I got the bonus piece of organ meat in my coffee!

(referee turning on his microphone) zenos paradox of motion states That which is in locomotion must arrive at the half-way stage before it arrives at the goal. touchdowns are illusory, “rushing yards” a farce. half-the distance to the goal is real though, repeat 3rd down.

Something wrong Hon, you've barely touched your meat and ferments.

Releasing my pheromones like venom

Dildos thrown at ICE vehicles. Please make this @daviss.org photo win the Pulitzer!

Due to high call volume, your ear may hurt

JFC = JOHN FUCKIN CANDY

going to the gym with a dalmatian and asking it to spot me

I'll never forget the day I figured out I could wash my baseball cap with dish soap. It was the Dawn of a New Era

Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.

My friend wasn’t pleased when I said, “Oh, you call it a ‘man cave’ because it takes too long to say ‘trial separation room with spiders and beach chairs.’”

I always feel weird at the end of a fiction reading when I stuff dollar bills in the writer's sweater vest.