If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of roughly 3-5 people

Sorry I liked all your comments on Venmo, friend of my sister

Today's admission includes science communicator Gavin's show: "Platypuses are made up: Change my mind."

Caution: room is rapidly filling with ramen

Get in, loser. We’re going to the cottage.

I imagine on an experiential level dogs and Baz Luhrman must have an understanding

They should go further and make a separate dictionary for men which is much heavier but contains fewer words

Dogsitting feels like microdosing someone else’s more successful, idyllic existence.

Missed my interview at Random House because I guessed wrong.

Accidentally discovered the giant bag of Hershey’s kisses in my sister’s cabinet. I slammed the door shut and walked away really fast and am sitting in the other room but already I know that it’s no use and my future is now set in stone.

ME: i just want to feel safe OTHER BANK ROBBER: no you also have to open it

I see all year-end best-of lists as "10 People You'll Hate Next Month"

If I ever found myself in the Twilight Zone, I would simply move to a better lit, less liminal zone.

for sale: baby shoes: benjamin button's death pair

Been sleeping peacefully since putting new Goodyear all-season tires on my racecar bed.

If a bear attacks you, stay calm. Try to see the situation from their point of view

wild how mimes just wake up every day and choose violence

They say do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. I love embezzlement.

Taking part in the "Offer One of Your Bosses Feedback On His Novel In-Progress Challenge."

During this magical season, let us take a moment to think about the River Side Casino staff present and past. They make your pleasure possible. Follow them. Read their posts. Laugh. Look at pictures of their pets. Have a sandwich. go.bsky.app/4yomz8H

maybe building a utopia for the worst demons in the world isn't the ultimate way to run a society idk

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

christmas music is pretty good if you want to know about the lore

The first law of thermodynamics states that Tiny Tim is NOT destroyed, and can only be converted from one form to another

crazy that mary and joseph thought they could just waltz in and book a room during the holidays

No iOS update for Christmas. There truly is no Santa Claus

Only a few hours remain to send your "Last-minute gift" spam. Get your bots working overtime!

Thankful to The Beatles for making the guitar look cool when I was a little kid. Thankful to my parents for giving me a guitar and paying for a few lessons. Thankful to the guitar for enriching every day of my life ever since.

you: *moaning and writhing in pain* me: [a musician] *quietly trying to find the harmony*

I’m more afraid of the upcoming LA rain posts than I am of actual flooding.

It is the role of the people to do comments on the internet

got the idea for & have started workshopping a new one-woman show: ethel merman sings ok computer

Fear not, for I know of a tamale maker.

got steel toe shoes today forgot how much fun kicking stuff is

Apparently, some people were alarmed that my Christmas card was just a photo of me sitting up to my neck in ashes.

{college admissions office} dean: so what makes you stand out from other applicants? me: God said i can go here. dean: ok great welcome to the University of Oklahoma

[first date] Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

dont spit on the ground, the dirt in your yard is slowly developing a taste for humans. thats how sink holes happen.

Please stop donating your fruitcake to the animals. They don't like it either.

Does anyone have contact info for Bari Weiss? We'd love to chat with her about a 60 Minutes segment ("Bad Luck") set to air next month.

Slept ten hours last night and now I understand quantum mechanics

I think it should be the law that any company that plays Christmas music in its stores has to pipe the exact same music into its head offices for the same number of days.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer but you should see the reindeer

So apparently, you're not allowed to board first for a flight just because you want to leave a trail of rose petals for the other passengers.

We employ many adjunct professors from nearby colleges. As they make ends meet by cleaning your ashtrays, they can also teach you fun facts about history or math or whatever field they hold a PhD.

Sorry I called rocks "feral bricks."

Hi, I'm Santa Claus, and I'm a... What? No last names? Oops. Okay. Hi, I'm Santa, and I'm a withholding co-dependent...

I asked you nicely to explain your joke Please respond

His name is Bongo, he eats 200kg of food a day, and he's your problem now. If you didn't want him, you shouldn't have invited me to a white elephant gift exchange.