The problem with Episcopal Church services is their lack of krumping.

How to be a motivational speaker: 1) Write speech with "always work hard" theme. 2) Collect fat paycheck.

The nicknames I gave all my friends on my phone's contact list are so cryptic and obscure, I still can't tell who's calling.

Pro Tip for students: A good end-of-semester gift to a teacher definitely improves your grade. Pro tip for teachers: A good practical joke is to tell students that a good end-of-semester gifts improve their grades.

Been checking out a lot of college graduation photos on IG. All the graduates are smiling because they don't know they just ended the easiest part of their lives.

I took the red pill from Morpheus and ended up surrounding phenocrysts in a porphyry.

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. Luckily he was born into a family of furries and scalies, so they just went with it. "Whatever makes you happy, Gregor," his mother said (as she often did). Gregor clicked cheerfully.

My landlord is an existentialist. Rent also includes futilities.

I only use the King James version of the Denny’s menu

it’s important that i go to bed at a reasonable hour so i can wake up in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason whatsoever

I haven’t answered my phone in like 6 years and the fact people still try to call me says a lot about human resilience.

"Sigmund Freud? More like Sigmund Fraud! Am I right, ladies?" - B. F. Skinner, open mic comic

Archaeologists: "These 8000-yr-old figures found at Lepenski Vir in Serbia probably represent the deities of the local hunter-gatherers." 8000 yrs ago: "Hey, I carved a statue of yer mom!"

Remember, kids, don't text and drive unless you're texting something hilarious.

while everyone was king fu fighting, I was king fu loving

Bought a new GodotPro. It takes great pictures, but you have to wait forever for them to download.

I think about this comic all the time.

It’s a testament to teachers’ incredible self control that any workshop they are forced to attend doesn’t end in actual bloodshed.

No audience is more hostile than a bunch of teachers forced to attend a workshop.

have you really hit rock bottom if you don’t have a bathtub in your front yard?

A group of coworkers talking near your desk is called a “Scram”

"And remember, kids, there's no law saying teachers have to wash their hands after using the bathroom," I say while passing out tests.

If you reuse the same hot dog water for years you can use a filter to remove the hot dog microparticles and reform them into a whole new hot dog

I spelled "cinnamon" for the 1st time today without using autocorrect, so this day now ranks as the 7th greatest day of my life.

Every neighborhood has that lurky, Boo-Radley person. And if you're thinking, "Mine doesn't," then it's probably you.

I took a "Which Mineral are You" personality quiz. I'm a rhodochrosite. But you all knew that.

Conserve our waterways because without lakes there would be nowhere to take prom photos.

That Jack Benny Middle School in Waukegan, IL, calls themselves the "39ers" is an awesome joke that many people won't get.

My Last Will & Testament is just a list of people I need to apologize to for clogging their toilets at parties.

"Gentlemen, Linda Ronstardt your engines!" - how NASCAR races began in the 1970s

I love gym culture. Jacked guys calling themselves alphas and then knocking out 4 sets of oopsie daisies

in my opinion, the trombone is definitely the most length changing instrument in the brass family

This may be the greatest last-day-at-work exit. Seen at my wife's former office.

I saw a bicycle cop ride into traffic and pull over a car, in case you thought you were having a bad day.

I told my students that 25% of the football coaches at school are transgendered males. Now they're trying to figure out who.

Airlines: We're sorry our delays mean you won't make it home tonight. Also airlines: Here's your rebooked flight for 2 days from now.

I'm developing a video game called "College Reunion Basketball" where a bunch of old guys play ball. Last one with an un-torn ACL wins.

More people die from an unhealthy diet than shark attacks, but there are way more horror movies about sharks than cupcakes.

The Blacksmith Union is telling us to strike while the iron is hot and I'm not sure if I should go to work or not

As a former little league coach, the only advice I’d give to you moms and dads coaching your own teams is to let Andrew keep chewing on his glove out there in right field. It’s not hurting anyone and he doesn’t have much else to do. Also, use Three Stooges bits for steal signs

Imagine being an unsolved murder from the '70s and having spend eternity with a photo displayed of you in '70s clothes and hair.

Turns out that for a $10 tip I can take any car I want outside this Autobell.

Pro tip: If you ever have to take a test on bird calls, for all the answers write, "mockingbird."

A commissioned painting my daughter did recently for someone who is retiring.

Some art by my daughter.

People who get mad when you have your phone out during meals don't get the awesomeness of phones and the suckiness of most conversations.

The problem with seceding and forming your own country is then you have to run a country full of d-bags like you.

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.