The Walking Dead taught us that even in a zombie apocalypse, Atlanta traffic sucks.

Me: [Books flight home for a Saturday] Airline: "Your flight is canceled. You are now booked on a flight Wednesday."

It was funny, but in a public television kind of way

In an ignominious twist, after Mr. Ed finished vet school, Dr. Ed had to work as a plow horse to pay off his student loans.

Listen my father was killed by a giant octopus and his father before him and his father's father's before him, I've made peace with what is going to happen to me

If the South Carolina Education Powerball Lottery were in any way successful, South Carolina residents wouldn't buy lottery tickets.

"Can't do that. Can't do that. Or that. No way I can do that." - me, in a beginners yoga class

I’m at the age where I go to bed not when I’m tired but when I’ve had enough stupid

I save my best dance moves for motion activated paper towel dispensers.

"Big boy, fat, plump, chubby, stout, heavy-set, chunky, the chubby one, and round." Today's bully words. Yesterday's Chet Morton descriptors.

"Yeah, I remember when that happened." - students learning U.S. History in 1777

In the 1980s, the main cause of scoliosis was carrying boom boxes on shoulders.

Shot through the heart And you're to blame Darlin’ you give amateur archery league a bad name

Don't invite me to your party because I'm the guy who will wash his hands with your decorative soaps and dry them with your fancy hand towels.

Getting the Mohs Hardness Scale tattooed on my face so nerds know who the gangsta is at next year's national Geology conventions.

getting sponsored by Tylenol and becoming an influenzer

I'm at my most sad when I listen to grown women try to make gun shooting noises.

I can't afford to get all my teeth whitened, so I'm getting only half done. Like piano keys.

World Cup Drinking Game: Do a shot every time a team scores. No one gets drunk. Everyone drives home safely.

The nice thing about being a US soccer player is that when you make a mistake, no one cares enough to murder you later.

[Me, as rainforest tour guide]: "Use these special binoculars to see the sloth over there." Tourist: "This is just a Viewmaster." Me: "Quick, look over there! It's a Pirate of the Caribbean!“

Went down to my barn today and discovered vandals had put algae in my donkeys' dark water bucket!

Mayella Ewell sure ruined it for anyone who actually needs a chifferobe busted up.

MMA, but between dads with "#1 Dad" mugs.

Shout out to the Cologuard logo for letting everyone in this post office line realize what's in the box.

No one has more confidence than an old, fat European man in a Speedo.

Nothing will Johnny-Tremain your hand faster than the syrup container at a Waffle House.

I'm out of clean clothes, so it's that time of the week when I'm thinking the clothes I wore earlier in the week aren't so dirty as I thought.

Not to brag, but I was only 5 Powerball numbers away from winning $50 million yesterday.

Why join a gym when you can workout for free every day in the fitness aisle at Walmart?

You should have at least two current songs completely memorized in case you're faced with a karaoke emergency.

Technology allows you to "work from anywhere," which means you will never go on a true vacation again.

I run a 4.6-second 40-yard dine and dash.

Nothing says, "I barely care," like a gift from an airport gift shop.

You always remember your 1st Aerobie throw at the beach because it was also your last Aerobie throw before losing it in the ocean.

I always try to learn from the mistakes of others who follow my advice.

I'm "You can't have water at football practice because you don't want it sloshing around in your stomach, sissies" years old.

Woke up too early. My sleep game is not on point. My mortar and pestle game, however, is crushing it.

Phone calls. 1980s: No way I'm leaving a message. I want to talk to the person. 1990s/2000s: Please don't answer. Please don't answer. Ah, good. Answering machine. 2010/20s: If I can't text you, you won't hear from me.

During storms, I'm scared of lightening, which is why I always carry a waterproof bronzer.

What I enjoy the most about going to the doctor is filling out exactly the same identification forms as I did on my last visit.

If you wear all your hats stacked on your head, you're asking for monkeys to steal them.

Barn cat dgaf

Calm down, water with fruit in it. Calm down.

Thanks to the childhood obesity epidemic, today's dance mixes are only a minute long to avoid heart attacks.

What's up with GroupMe? Anyone else having a problem today?

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[me, getting stabbed to death in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jerk the Ripper

JULIUS CAESAR: [sneezing] eh-eh-eh-eh-et TUUUU