"Well, I'm ready to go." - me, arriving at a Christmas party

Only 40 more followers until I can enter to win the next FIFA Peace prize!

dreamed i won a salad making competition by googling "hitler's favorite salads" finding a listicle of hitler's 20 favorite salads and letting the judges know my opponent had made hitler's 17th favorite salad

The problem with Christmas partying with teachers is that everyone there also brought zip-lock bags to steal leftovers.

I'm "used to spit blood and toothpaste into a tiny sink next to the dentist's chair" years old.

Sesame Street taught me to count to twelve, but in the most dramatic way possible

I'm so old, I remember when December used to be a cold month.

You can't get ebola from the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese because ebola's too scared of getting a disease if it goes in there.

"Make a list" is the only thing on the list I did today.

Nothing says "you're going to get some good grades" like high value gift cards from students for Christmas.

I prefer to think of 2nd place not as "1st loser" but as "cuddliest loser."

Frankincense is the doctor, Myrrh is the stupid sound the monster makes, Kevin.

I showed up to a local playground to play pickup basketball and got picked 1st bc everyone thought I was a superstar wearing an old guy disguise. Turns out, I'm just old and suck at basketball.

Fun fact: Philip Rivers's 1st touchdown pass was to Red Grange.

If you think guys are big babies when we get a cold, don't be around us for a paper cut.

I remember when the world was a simpler place--a time when baby monkeys could ride on the back of pigs with impunity.

It's 35°, and I had to walk outside to my car. Now I know what Lewis & Clark felt like.

It's so cold that math teachers are wearing sweaters with sleeves!

"Those last 5 restaurants didn't know what they were doing. Mine won't go bankrupt here." - every strip mall restaurant entrepreneur

Cause of Death: Listening to family chew for an hour.

Right now dyslexic activists are marching for gnu control.

Can't decide if the worst thing about cruises is the white people with corn rows or the mass food poisoning.

The people who hosted that Christmas party last weekend hid their silver and jewelry well. Too well.

My commute isn't very long, so I've been listening to Cliffs Notes on CD.

Someone ate all the chocolate in advance, so now it's a Sadvent Calendar.

Insider teaching fact: When giving a test, if you see one idiot cheating off another idiot's test, it's ok to let it go.

Autocorrect changed "buckaroo" to "buck arvo" to show me it can make up words, too.

When kids who live near Kilauea play inside, they pretend the floor is a rug.

Nothing's lamer than a teenager's mustache.

Hey, Geometry lovers/students, I'm still working on an Angle-Side-Side postulate for congruent triangles so math will be more hilarious.

I scare people away by asking them their longitude and latitude location

Kids today don't appreciate how hard it was on your back in the '80s to walk like an Egyptian.

Today is the simpler time you'll be longing for in 20 years.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

My Advent calendar is just peeling back a package of Oreos every day in December.

[driving by some data centers in a field] me: data centers

Rudolph is the Icarus of 20th century mythology.

Back in the 70s you could always find a Euell log near a pine tree in the forest. (waits to see who will age themselves by getting this)

And once again I've taken my toothbrush from it's petri-dish like toothbrush holder, slathered it with chemical paste and stuck it in my mouth and spread it all around. Mmm.

He had salt and pepper hair. And oregano eyebrows. His lips were basil leaves. His entire head was a jar of Italian seasoning

"I have four score and nineteen problems, and nary a single one is a trollop." - 17th century rapper.

I'm composing music for Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid: The Musical. Got one song, so far, "Good Morning, Lord Baltimore."

We can thank rotten kids for putting coal miners back to work during December.

Pro tip: Your family will not visit you during the holidays if you tell them you have head lice.

Mellow out, brides-to-be. No one has ever been to another person's house and noticed the china pattern, so take it down a notch.

Maybe empty calories just need a hug.

Pro parenting tip: Teach your children to hold hands tightly to guard against attackers trying to beat them in red rover.

going to start a wilderness survival youtube channel just so i can go to remote locations and sleep in a tent for 48 hours straight

If I were a professional sedimentologist, I'd have a cover band called The Name of the Sand is the Talking Heads.

An Audi with with those festive reindeer antlers just took exit 7 like a rutting buck heads up if your vehicle is in estrus