Not to brag, but this time next week I'll be sitting here checking social media.

I used the syrup container at Waffle House, and now my fingers are permanently stuck together like Rab's in Johnny Tremain.

Pro tip: Your airplane neck pillow doubles as a toilet seat cover.

Back that mazz up. - Joule-venile, rapping physicist

"If you have only two drink sizes, ma'am, you can't have a Large and a Medium! The Medium is really a Small! You need three drink sizes to have a Medium!" Anyway, that's how I got kicked out of Subway.

Most of my post-Civil-War knowledge of 1800s US history comes from the 2-season docuseries F-Troop.

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

If you accidentally overpay the full balance on your credit card, you should able to charge 29.9% interest until they pay you your money.

At 2:00am, I received an emergency alert on my phone about nearby tornadoes. It said to seek shelter immediately! Anyway, I read about it when I woke up this morning.

The main ingredient in Three Bean Salad is revenge.

Cold hotdogs are redneck sushi.

Fighting for truth, justice, and the Uzbek way. - Clark Tashkent

All problems in America can be traced back the trauma experienced watching Pinky Tuscadero almost die in the Malachi Crunch.

For my next year's birthday, I want a surprise birthday party where I don't show up, so the surprise is on you, sitting quietly in the dark.

The general public would be amazed at the tapestry of profanity running through every teacher's head all day long.

Fun baptism prank: Grind up Alka Seltzer and smear it on your baby's head before handing it to the priest.

my superpower is inspiring people to talk while i’m talking

I'd watch a Bad Bunny performance opposite the SOTU.

How much writing do I actually have to have done to claim I'm "writing a novel?" If it's zero, I'm writing a novel.

Autocorrect changed "zika" to "Zima," so I inadvertently posted about a Zima scare, which is also appropriate.

The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a National Board Certified teacher with a gun.

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

It's a good thing Washington & Lincoln were born close together, otherwise we'd be celebrating Presidents Day in late November for Zachary Taylor & Franklin Pierce.

Fun fact: In WWII, every U.S. tank crew was required to have a guy named Ramrod.

been wearing a pair of pants i grabbed out of the dryer this morning and just now walking through Costco, wouldn’t you know it, our king size comforter fell out of my pant leg lmao

Showdown in the barn this morning.

A "disposable razor" for a guy means just throw it away after he's dead.

My life goal is to be so famous I can do reverse mortgage ads when I retire.

kebab is actually short for kerobert

before email was invented, sometimes you’d get 10-15 pigeons a day with notes about the upcoming “best mattress sale of the year”

Jeez it’s only one day after Valentine’s Day and the stores already have their Ides of March stuff out on display

Is it just me or does everyone get nervous when they're stealing a car

Ski jumping is probably a painful sport to suck at.

In southeastern Europe, SpongeBob is known as Abzorba the Greek.

My presence on Earth is a testament to my ancestors' abilities to avoid being burned as witches in the 1600s.

In ancient Greece, it was considered bad luck to be attacked by a shark on Friday the 13th

I'd probably go to church more if Communion was served fondue-style.

No one freaks out more than a laptop whose device was ejected improperly.

I like to move it. But I do not like to move it move it. I just like the one move it.

8 oz Coke cans should be called "Diet Coke" because they have 33% fewer calories than a 12 oz Coke. Diet Coke should be called "Sucky Coke."

Well, it turns out my dad had never been shot in the leg with an arrow before today.

This is my grandfather's 100th birthday. If he were alive today, he'd be pounding on the lid of his coffin.

When faced with a difficult decision I like to ask what would Jesus do? The problem is he answers in Aramaic.

I like to do the Reverse Flash Mob, where I find myself in a crowded place then leave.

I just fixed* my car! *unhooked the battery to make the check engine light go off

Statistically, you're much better off if you don't believe anything is butter

Enrolling your kid in martial arts classes is the 1st step to his lifetime of bar fights.

"Gone in 60 Seconds: Then Trapped Inside the Car Because All the Inside Door Handles are Broken" - new movie about stealing my 2001 Toyota Corolla

I bet my life would be friggen baller if my name was Joey Hotdog

[Couples counselling] Goldfish husband: "I don't even know who you are any more." Goldfish wife: "I don't remember what I ever saw in you" Goldfish Counsellor: "Who are you guys, and how did you get in here?"