life hack: do what you would imagine a smarter version of yourself doing

the best american short stories 2025 but each story is a spice toothpaste that tastes like saying “the big boys” as an adult incense that smells like thinking you know someone but really don’t the color of meeting someone’s eye by accident a blue razz crush

the boys: *search endlessly* town: *illusory concept that is impossible to return to*

an orgasm like the momentary gap in the rain beneath an overpass

a horse wearing a tandem horse costume

shout out to the molecules that identify as you

a drug that makes you put your phone down

sexual identity: the lonely spot on that hiking trip many years after your death

top 10 facial expressions: you are my mom are we separate I can say no toilets are absurd there are others they must like me I’m learning to toil I must collect abstract symbols of power & love for some reason it’s all for naught my body is rebelling what is that light

[yelling over club music] I said I love my mom

you: I love you them: I love you back death: I create the circumstances that make this possible

halloween costume ideas: milk crate seeping something foul everyone but you an old clown mask but just the smell a half burn catcher’s mitt a halloween party that you aren’t at nothingness in the shape of you halloween itself santa claus a literal breeze

halloween costume: despair

halloween costume: who others want you to be

how an actual ghost feels on halloween

*yo yo’s over your grave*

beauty [steals a fry] is merely the beginning of terror

ask your doctor if anything is right for you

a clown shooting water from its mouth into a gun that you let go of as you walk backwards into your life

[yelling over club noise] I said god exists but we don’t

yeah sex is cool but have you ever: slowly expanded every molecule in your body until you become mist curled in on yourself like a toenail so dense it becomes a black hole devoted yourself to a life of service & escaped the hellscape of ego loved something other than an idea

tetris theme blaring as pall bearers try to angle my coffin into a narrow grave

[flirting] I’m but a vessel for an ancient trauma

honk if we can’t be in love because it makes too much sense

finding rosaries in your soup close up of your eye w a blooming onion reflected in it life sized cross keychain hamster in a fanny pack writing out the internet by hand googling the internet & immediately hearing a knock on the door shaking twitter like a snow globe

[boiling our last shoe] remember the internet

*economist holding in a bong hit voice* love is supply & pain is demand

[to your baby while you're not looking] pain invented us so it could be felt

when you're a hammer it always feels like it's time

I couldn't stop thinking about this perfect Borges idea from @marcusjmerritt.com. So I made it: internaut.club. (N.B., if you want write access, you'll have to DM me.)

[snaps fingers as if remembering something important] nothing really matters

a life long conceptual art piece where you don't make any

when you assume suffering creates art because you're only attracted to art that expresses suffering

a conceptual art piece where you just complain about the art world

the exact opposite of stealing a work of art

honk if the critiques are coming from inside the art

sub atomic art

trebek: the closest thing art has to a cousin contestant: what is crime

art hack: start with the frame

serif sheriff

font police

[pounding podium] the real halloween is within

sry the patterns I carved out of raw chaos, at the behest of a vast & all encompassing biological imperative, didn’t include the variously swollen hormones that masquerade as love in the oppressive popular discourse our species calls culture

honk if there are two kinds of people in this world & you’re neither

[to a bear] it's all good

mime priest a horse in a convent a tiger in a church altar boy in a china shop contemplative doo wop papal algorithm bondage data

a tweet about nothing

a police scanner hooked up to a baby monitor a social media app that bans you for being kind a phantom limb petting a dog a profile picture that ages as you do a notification that the EMT destined to find your corpse received certification

an app that notifies you when you're exactly halfway through your life

[places hand over phone] god’s pissed