If I gave you this gummy bouquet for Valentines Day, would you immediately put me in the friend zone? I think that’s fair.

Proud to announce that our new internet will make your computer 100% compatible with all 1990s VCR Boardgames.

Paddling a wet river, Confucius was heard lamenting, “the purpose of a sequel is to strengthen the original, and also kick its ass!!!!!!” (He also said invest in the Sequel to the Internet before you miss out)

How about a thought exercise where you actually think for once.

Well, I got to find out what the drunk trampoline police is today. Just a misunderstanding in my neighbor’s yard. I puked on the trampoline, big deal. Drunk trampoline police🤷🏻‍♂️ What a dumb career. What kid says, I want to be a drunk trampoline police when I grow up?

Too often work gets in the way of the important stuff like not working.

Tired of an internet that won’t let you steal music. Forget that. The internet 2 lets you download as many free tunes as you want. Our server holds millions of songs. Right now only Filter’s “Hey Man, Nice Shot.” Download it as much as you want. More to come!

Sad. I’ve never watched an episode of Dawson’s Creek or any of the Dawson’s Creek movies. I don’t even know who was the vampire and who was the werewolf.

Breakfast pizza for dinner is what rich people do. Nice peppery white sausage gravy. Crust flaky but a bit bland. Small even for a personal pan. Could use a bit more meat. But a nice change of pace for Wednesday frozen pizza night.

Our refurbished internet will introduce all new Care Bears you hadn’t even imagined. Like Verklempt Bear. Not sure what image will be on the shirt yet.

Asked the lady on the Chex Mix customer service line if they’d make a bag that just had the little Chex pieces in it. She asks me, “isn’t that just a box of cereal?” Now I’m trying to get her fired.

It’s Janice’s birthday on Thursday. Should we get her a cake? Would a loaf work? To save money? Building a new internet is expensive.

Hard to get out of bed every morning when we constantly wake up to headlines like this.

Our Super Bowl commercial airs at 3:35am on PBS. Has the great niece of the “Where’s the Beef” lady.

People don’t remember this, but there was a nipple slip at the Rolling Stones halftime show too.

Always have a back-up plan for the Super Bowl. Even if it's just a flea-flicker incorporating your dog.

Always have a back-up plan for the Super Bowl. Even if it's just chex mix in your pocket.

Always have a back-up plan. Even if it's just chex mix in your pocket.

My other love language is elbow and heel exfoliation.

STRETCH GOAL ACHIEVED! We have 30,000 backers for the Sequel to the Internet! You did this! You were already getting a free version of Ski Free…but now it will be Ski Free: Skyrim Edition! Gonna be epic!

This is my love language.

if things continue on this trajectory I’m afraid we’ll never be able to outpizza the hut

Nobody talks about how Janet Jackson’s nipple slip at the Super Bowl led to wide ranging reforms in nipple jewelry manufacturing. Thank god it happened, I say.

It’s been my dream to create a sequel to the internet before the first internet was even invented. If that doesn’t inspire you, idk what you’re waiting for. Like a care bear that transforms into a fighter jet or something? That’s impossible and you know it.

Why can’t we turn a small part of public libraries into casinos. Maybe a sports betting desk. IDK might get more kids interested in reading.

Had to testify before congress today. So there’s that. 😕 But still pushing forward on the Internet 2 despite billionaires trying to stop it. I want to assure all of our early backers that they still get a pewter collector’s medallion.

At this point, maybe personal pan pizzas are the only option for the world. We can’t agree on anything else. Would you share your silver crisping tray with another living soul????

The sequel to the internet won’t have an annoying Google. We have a guy named Luther who takes queries from you over the phone and then goes to the library to look up the answer. He will respond within two days. He takes Thursdays off.

Your day may have been bad…but my piping hot onion rings left perfect sear marks on the styrofoam container…it’s proof that there’s still good in the world.

Welcome! Joke bsky is to your left. Your other left.

Big news for our Sequel to the Internet project! We’ve hired our new cybersecurity chief! How about an internet where the hackers are afraid of you!!!!

If it came to it, would you vote to chop down the redwoods to make corn dog sticks?

Give the groundhog a drug test!!!!!!!

The groundhog has never submitted to a drug test…and that’s a fact.

A funny-looking friend

I was in the elements all weekend and if I want to wear my old sweatpants from the 1980's all Sunday long, then I will. Tight, pegged at both legs, grey fleece. My choice!

Remember when we’d have snow days as kids, and we’d all stay home and play Ski Free??? Our new internet comes with a totally bonkers upgraded version. The snow is so realistic in 32bit. Plus the yeti has a backstory. You finally understand why he chases you.

Are there any games that play like Super Mario Brothers, with music like Super Mario Brothers, that has power ups like Super Mario Brothers and is in fact Super Mario Brothers?

Why did we call it Internet2 when “Twinternet” was right there???? (But seriously, the new internet we are developing is the better looking twin….and smarter. Like Mary Kate)

If the winter storm forces you to make hard choices, remember, corn dog sticks are technically edible.

Waiting on the icy gates of hell to let loose its horde of porcelain precipitous death upon us. And this avian harbinger of frigid fate staring and waiting to pick through my frozen bones. Otherwise, trying to keep a positive attitude.

Trying to post an important update about our sequel to the internet project…but this server is so slow. Oh, right. Cause I’m using the old internet🤔 Sure be glad when some visionaries develop a new internet. lol. Just kidding…we totally are.

You know one thing AI musicians can’t do? They can’t perform a medley of their greatest hits. Always the best part of any concert.

Sick of having to worry about grammar every time you send someone a sext? The new internet won’t allow grammar. And anyone whom uses grammar pays more.

These kids are out here getting high on the sticky part of post-it notes!!! What hope do we have???????

Puttin' on the big boots. Time to kick this snowstorm in the flakes.

You know where it would be terrible to work in Human Resources? Thunderdome.

Our sequel to the internet is on the bleeding edge of technology or innovation. Want to know more? Send us a SASE and we will mail you a b&w brochure. Are you ready to be one of the early kickstarters for our project?

At some point in the past they told us we need to butter our pizza. And no one questioned it. And now here we are.

With our sequel to the internet your avatar can be a turtle with a crossbow. We don’t care. You do you.