Whenever I get one of these flipped the wrong way Oreos, I know that somewhere at the factory someone still holds a grudge for when I was a spokesperson for Hydrox in the 80s.

In Middle Earth, there are only three things you can do with potatoes. Boil em. Mash em. Stick em in a stew. Thank goodness we live here. You can scallop em. Smash em. Bake em. Whip em. Pan-roast. French fry. Au gratin. Our world is vastly superior. Also, there are orcs and shit there

With all the political and civil strife been listening to some of Babyface's harder albums. He gets 'real' pretty quick. This is for the cruel in you.

I wish there were a cereal box prize that could fix the world…but I don’t think it’s possible. IDK maybe putting Wednesday collectible trading cards in Coco Puffs.

it is once again lie on the floor Friday

Not sure I want this coach near my kids.

On a road to nowhere I come upon a house spanning the serrated edge of nothingness. A street lamp pours congealed purple light, never reaching the soil. Dare I knock at the door? Or daren’t I? (Translated: weird fog tonight)

There is zero shame in a grown man carrying a prescription toilet seat across a parking lot!!! Don’t you dare look away!

anyone mind if I go on with my bad self

Do McDonald’s Happy Meals still come with Star Trek:The Motion Picture erasers? **me trying to fake being up on current events**

My dad used to say, Sometimes life is Filet Mignon…Sometimes it’s Fish Stick Spaghetti. Sadly, we were so poor, Fish Stick Spaghetti wasn’t always a metaphor.

Can they put a wonton in a burrito? Or is it a stability risk?

Nobody can say my slippers don’t know how to rock!!!! (Even if you lean DLR)

Oh, I’m fine, why do you ask? *me eating my anxiety by nervously dipping cheese into the bbq sauce jar*

Back in my day, if Hamburger needed help we invented a sentient, autonomous white glove…and everyone knew not to interfere with its work.

Can you believe this??? Caturday is still a full week away and yet stores already have decorations out!!??!?

Omg. Cinnamon broom season already. My how time flies! My favorite time of year. Driving home with my eyes burning because I bought so many!

Caturday is the best holiday with turd in its name. Much more enjoyable than Easturd.

My soul is a hidden track on an album that no one bought.

Sometimes the gap is bigger than other times. #travelanxiety

How do you convert 3rd & 28 in electric table top football? (My life)

Does airport water pair well with Icelandic Glacier runoff?

I’ve been wanting to say YES to more things. Should I open this door at this gas station? The one with the hand truck parked beside it.

Denny’s is trying to tell me that a burrito can be a slam?? And a turkey sandwich can be a slam too????? Is that right?

Doing some recreational crying in some amazing coffee shops on Spokane’s South Hill. Revel 77 and Brew Peddler, thank you for the inspiration!

ONE THIRTY ONE OVER NINETY-SEVEN! IN YOUR FAAAAACE!! scream-shouted the woman voted the class of 1992's "most mellow".

One of the dangers of traveling to the PNW. Huckleberry stains on your shorts. Also had a sandwich with huckleberry bbq sauce. And an amazing huckleberry milk shake.

In the Montana mountains today, and I feel like when they post the “beware of wildlife” signs, they should instead read “if wildlife gets bored, it will eat you.” More people would take heed.

Halloween fireworks. Okay, maybe we are broken.

My birthday hike along the Spokane River at Bowl and Pitcher Park. Beautiful.

This had far less Michael Jordan interviews than I’d heard.

Touring part of my childhood on a quick trip to Spokane. I’m sure they still have many of my old sports trophies at the jr high.

Feel like they are targeting all my dreams from 30 years ago in this Airport gift shop. But I can’t be the guy who reads Maxim on a plane. Or can I??????

Sharing my secret verification code with a random person on the street just to feel something

That irrational fear as you step between the jet bridge and the plane. That your wallet will fall through the gap. And your phone. Your birth certificate and social security card. And your favorite childhood toy.

I confess, I’m dating Bob Sacamano.

I use this internet. Which one do you guys use?

If every day you eliminate being disgusting for one minute, by the end of the year you’ll only be 50 percent disgusting.

I didn’t know you could literally search anything on this internet. The lady who teaches us computer (we only have one) at the Senior Center needs to stay more current. You heard me, Joan.

With this asteroid hurling towards Earth and it possibly being an Alien probe…I’ve gone ahead and changed my internet password as a precaution…and honestly I don’t know what else to do to protect my family.

a sauce that makes things cold. please i need to make money.

I’ve lived long enough to know, if you find a crystal skull in the desert, never cover it in Care Bear stickers.

When you are stabbed by every member of a parade that passes by, it’s a good sign that it’s time to make some changes in your life.

Do you think they make a novelty T-shirt with such a dirty joke on it that it’s rated NC-17? Would Spencer’s even sell it?

Wearing a T-shirt with innuendo on it at the beach and everyone walking by laughing and slapping high-five would fix me.

Whenever I visit a new town, I go to the flea market and buy old yearbooks from local schools. I study them and look for the grownup people around town who never left. It’s a game. Sometimes I start conversations and pretend I went to school with them.

Beautiful glassware from the local sewer authority. I like traveling and learning about different cultures.

Top scientist says the Earth is running out the natural resources to make those tiny plastic tables they put in pizza boxes…Predicts end date.

I’ve been using the Ark of the Covenant to power the mini-fridge in my shed. Do you think I should tell an archaeologist?

I can forgive you, but just know that some ranch dressing can’t be put back in the bottle.