In my day we only had root beer, and Baja Blast root beer of course. And code red sarsaparilla.

Can monkeys make wishes on severed human hands?

I’ve been installing spiral staircases for 30 yrs and I can tell you they are safer than they’ve ever been. But, you know, still wear a helmet.

Christmas puns will ruin this place. Yule see.

Can Dino nuggets go extinct? If so, what would cause the extinction?

Trying not to get a slice with green and red peppers. Lord guide my blade.

I know candy cigarette sales are down (mainly because they don’t let them put as much nicotine in them now) but did they ever try making gummy candy cigarettes?

Just got an alert that someone hacked my Sears & Roebuck charge card. Does anyone have their toll free number handy?

Don’t tell me there’s not a price for Halloween! I had to go on my front lawn in my bloomers to pick this up! Plus all the demonic portals kids open up. Somebody has to close those.

Stung by the tepid response to my Toaster Gravy™ idea on Shark Tank.

All Halloween Gus (my profile name during holiday) wanted was to live in an abandoned mall and dig up the occasional corpse. But with your laws and standards you couldn’t even allow that much. Now he’s gone. 😢

At a coffee shop and a four year old boy reached over and hit the keys on my laptop. The mother apologized and I said it was fine. I stopped her later and had to alert her. “I looked over what he wrote. There was no plot. I’m so sorry.” Hated to say it, but if I were the parent, I’d want to know.

Day after Halloween. Unofficial holiday of people trying to track down the heirloom bowls they inexplicably used to put candy out for kids.

The backstory for Halloween Gus (my holiday profile name): Gus was stitched together from body parts found at a local morgue. This occurred at midnight on Halloween. Lightning, random magic, and agricultural chemicals brought him to life.

Scenes of Micro Horror 🎃: Ghost Hunters carry on a paranormal investigation in your home and mistakenly refer to it as an abandoned house, and you just didn’t have time to straighten up before they arrived.

More scenes of micro horror🎃: Your shirt tag suddenly shifts in a way that feels like a spider walking down your back.

Scenes of Micro Horror 🎃: Amazon delivers a package to your door, but it belongs to the neighbor that irritates you.

One way to make sweet tea sweeter would be to sugar your water when you make ice cubes.

Does every life hack involve not getting seen in your sweat pants through a hotel peep hole?

I hope this new Bruce Springsteen biopic finally reveals where Bruce Springsteen was born. The country of his birth has been up for debate for quite some time. Frankly, it would've been helpful if he wrote a song about it.

Alanis Morissette didn’t have to date NFL TEs to sell her albums. And she could have had her pick! Daryl “Moose” Johnston or Ben “Winter” Coates. Do you think Taylor could pull Dave Coulier? Take a jagged little reality pill!

We have so little confirmed information about the 3I/ATLAS Comet…but one thing is certain…it ranks consistently low for customer service.

If you grew up playing Minesweeper like I did, you’re going to love the new game “Minesweeper 99 Legacy: Blood Thundering-Masterpiece Edition.” It’s open world with decisions that truly affect the outcome…plus 36 hours of cutscenes.

"Can't fully relax until I've been struck by lightning and briefly lit up like a cartoon skeleton.You know what I mean?" I say as I climb up to the crow's nest and hold my metal hook up to the stormy sky.

I’m the only effing guy on B Sky who changed his profile name to a fun Halloween moniker, but forgot to create a backstory. Now everyone is asking me who “Halloween Gus” is? And I don’t have an effing clue. And I’ve got three days to come up with some lore or I’m going to look like a jackass!

Scientists have confirmed the 3I/ATLAS Comet has a Hickory Farms pop up store on its surface. However, researchers say it could have formed there naturally. Still no definitive proof it’s of alien origin.

Cartoon cat opening a can with its claw

Waiting for season two of hip hop abs to come out on DVD.

Mark my words! In neighborhoods of subterranean homes they will shout my name from the rooftops!!!!!

Cheeseburger Pizza from my mother-in-law for a belated birthday meal. I was raised to believe that you can make any sandwich into a pizza.

Neighbors always try to avoid me while I’m out working in the yard. Especially around Halloween? Don’t know what their problem is. It costs you nothing to be sociable!

Did you know if you go to the right store they will trade you brand new underpants for money? What a world we live in.

So this total body athletes foot spray, like, where’s a good place to start?

Is there a real place known as Cheddar Bay? And, if so, is there a Sandals Resort there? Just looking to book a dream vacay.

Waiting on my doctor and saw his medical degree on wall had been replaced by an Archaeology Degree. I thought, why?…then I get it. I’m old. Then the doctor comes in dressed like Patch Adams, a clown wig, laughing it up. What a jerk. Not that funny.

Piloting the Hindenburg II over an active volcano. While juggling flaming knives.

Licorice makers are all too proud to admit that they don’t know how it’s supposed to taste.

we really built a whole civilization around needing to click ‘accept cookies’

Let’s normalize handing out Reece’s and frozen pizzas to trick-or-treaters.

Look up the word insuccessful in the dictionary and you'll see my picture listed as the antonym.

I love how no one ever pictures me doing roundhouse kicks in old style sweatpants, yet that’s what I’m legit doing 60% of the time.

Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh - sigh-ku

Told a struggling friend today: excuses is just a bucket full of holes. The more you put into it the fuller it doesn't get.

Tooling around Amercian Eagle this evening feeling a little out of place. So I asked the young woman working there, "Am I too old for this store?" She replied, "nope, in fact your style has given us some inspiration for some new board shorts." Made me feel pretty 'rad' as the kids like to say.

On this date in Alternate History 1989: Reebok Engineers foolishly decide to fill the reebok pump with hydrogen. Oh the Shoe-manity. Many footlockers go up in flames. Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor are among the more notable victims.

There are so many football games on TV now. And we are running out of sideline reporters. We need a college where the only major is Sideline Reporting. Just start a diploma mill to crank out sideline gurus. With minor in Mascot CPR.

The important review I promised for veggie chicken fries with Pringles breading: Pretty bland actually. Don’t know what Pringles should taste like but these are flavorless sticks. One note, the chicken texture inside is pretty spot on. Not sure how I feel about that.

Look man, 70% of monster truck accidents occur within two miles of a Monster Truck Rally. You do the math.