Okay, going to need to raise some capital quickly. Held our corporate retreat on a Yacht…and we ain’t getting our deposit back. Let’s just say caviar can upset some people’s stomachs. Also a dash of norovirus.

Remember to let your pains settle into their rightful places before attempting to stand.

Our new internet allows you to stream live NFL scores…from 1987. The strike season but still. A lot of close games. And the ticker constantly updates.

you can create a ton of personal space with an oar

Alright. The Internet was cool for a while and we had a good run but, it's time to shut it down now. Too much information.

Yard signs got me all fucked up, voted for a local roofing company.

So crazy how we have the only CD-ROM version of Corgi Monopoly available to customers (absolutely free) and yet some people are still using the old internet.

We are the only internet that will provide the Suncoast Video Streaming Service for FREE! Want to watch Striking Distance before it hits the bargain bin…get the sequel to the internet for your family.

Just remember, no one can prove you weren’t an employee of the month at RadioShack

If you see an unemployed astronaut on the street, hand him a dollar or two. They are still heroes.

Our internet is the only one with servers that can feed your Tamagotchi and keep it alive. Guaranteed! Or we buy you a gerbil.

Imagine wanting to play Corgi Monopoly with your family but everyone is in a different state or no one can be within 50 feet of each other due to restraining orders. The internet two allows you to meet for a doggone great game online.

Flat bottomed clouds you make the rockin’ world go ‘round

Found out we are going to need a lot of dry ice to cool our servers for our sequel to the internet. Does anyone have 30 or 40 tons of this stuff, and preferably isn’t someone who regularly tries to scare teen sleuths away from real estate fraud sites?

Sadly, this post was made with “Custer,” the open source AI we used to build the Internet 2. It’s still learning. Obviously no human should be nice to Orcas. They are filthy creatures and they often attack yachts while knowing nothing about the yacht owners.

Everything* Everywhere† All at Once‡ * Cat videos † on my screen ‡ throughout the workday

I like to feed old problems to our “Custer” Open Source AI to see what solutions emerge. Like maybe how you could wire a turntable to play records through the speakers of a Teddy Ruxpin.

So we bought Whole Foods. Now thinking about putting off our sequel to the internet project. This is such easy money. Turns out people will pay any amount we charge for millet and sorghum.

I made my fortune selling used tires online. I think I know a little bit about building internets. Let me construct the greatest net the world has ever known.

My only other start-up experience was with a Kickstarter campaign for a board game with game mechanics loosely based on Corgi Monopoly.

I asked a job candidate what he expected to earn, he said $65,000. I was approved to give $135,000, three company yachts, and 2 bars of gold. So I offered him $50,000. Kept the yachts and the gold. Just goes to show you.

Folks we are seeing primo real estate investments going fast. Act now. I’ve got chasm-front lots with a view. Wasteland convenient!

We had 7Up. But that wasn’t all the lemon lime we needed. Thank god for Sprite, Sierra Mist, and Starry. Now we are living in the greatest period of human history. The same can be said for our sequel to the internet. There’s definitely room for another internet.

Researchers confirm that if we had better internet back in the 80s, the Who Shot J.R. Case could have been solved within a week. 👀👀

I was curious if you could use a phone charger to charge a person (i wanted more energy). It didn't work. But maybe I used the wrong hole.

Researchers confirm that if we had the internet back in the 70s, the Pepsi Challenge could have been settled in a week. 👀👀

it takes forever to purge all your old tupperware when you have to have a gratitude ceremony thanking each piece for its service before taking it to the recycling center

100% of the screensavers included with our sequel to the internet were created by our powerful AI known as “Custer.” Including a screen of flying toasters. And each toaster has seven fingers.

Don’t you get sick of having to call a notary every time you want to make an online purchase??? With the sequel to the internet that’s a thing of the past. You will still need your birth certificate of course.

Already getting complaints. But if your Teddy Ruxpin gains sentience upon connecting to our internet we will not pay for commandos to come in and blow it to hell. You signed a waiver!!! You knew our internet was fast.

We are the first internet to offer true Dial-Up AI. It’s for people on the go who don’t need an answer right away. It’s also low power, so very little risk of an AI apocalypse. Probably.

A reminder that Teddy Ruxpin talking dolls with wi-fi can connect seamlessly with our internet two. By using cord h37 and a router from 1984. (There will also be new adventures to download)

"Come dream with me tonight," my Teddy Ruxpin softly sings as he smothers me with a pillow

Our own AI Data Centers are great for the environment. Our servers are cooled by Hi-C Ectoplasm which can be drained into local rivers while still boiling. And the only waste product is DunkAroos frosting…which can be force fed to small animals.

The cheese plate arrives and suddenly everyone has opinions and a personality

Our Internet Two offers lightning fast facts about puffer fish. Some puffer fish are monogamous, others keep their options open. That’s the only fact we have uploaded so far, but we’ll be adding more each year.

Our sequel to the internet is so secure you can post your social security # without fear. We are looking for volunteers.

Hope your log has something interesting to say today.

The one thing AI can’t do is watch paint dry.

We’ve come along way. In my day you had to run around the house turning off the lights to help speed up downloads.

I better see some dogs hanging out car windows today.

Scientists confirm that if cavemen had access to the internet 2, they could have downloaded every cave painting ever created in under 30 hours.

Some of the concepts for our sequel to the internet come from my SciFi novel where rabbits have evolved talons and can climb. Will humanity be wiped out by climbing bunnies? Hoppy Death Day 2242

Just one of the perks of having the speed of our sequel to the internet. You be able to fill out a change of address form on the USPS website and have your mail forwarded to your new address. All from the comfort of your computer bunker.

Omg.. best idea. Instead of creating a Jurassic Park, we create a Tremors Park. Everyone gets to play like a real-world floor is lava game. The prize is survival.

where they put all the crusts from the uncrustables?

This dude is usually half off his croc, but there’s some truth to this. The predictive AI we developed with our Internet 2 is spitting out something eerily similar. Although in our mods, it’s Aim toothpaste that rises to prominence and kills us all.

A great weekend retreat. Our corporate speaker was a historical actor playing Bill Gates. He championed the Internet but that was the easy part. Making a satisfying sequel is harder. Remember Basic Instinct 2?

In my day, businesses that didn’t give away drink coozies with their logos on them were scams. We will be offering free Sequel to the Internet coozies soon. The polyurethane used in the making of the coozies is banned in six countries but it’s fine in the U.S.