The best thing about holdin on to broken shit is match makin new couples like broken lamp base this is your new baby pretty ceramic flower—she’s gonna cover your missing piece

I just know I’d have to start my rap battle verse with “notwithstanding”

Can't even get somebody to relate to my universal experiences, like the ones I did for you, and you and you and gagged the whole time

I look for the Hitchcock cameo in every one of your posts

“I bet you could pull a plow clean through an old alfalfa field,” he complimented.

If you can’t call your doctor “Doc” then you needa get the fuck outta there. They’re gonna fuck your shit all up

I'm so frigging giddy, it's ridiculous

I’m sorry, but when Funiculì, Funiculà comes on, I’m gonna just start fuckin shit up—I’m gonna start a mosh pit

This coffee tastes like it too has given up on life.

Back in my tough love we had to fight the happy people into being happier by doing these suffering bits "I'm not suffering just because you are in fact I kinda like it" and then we'd be scarred strong for winter

the only "2fa" i wanna deal with is 2 fuckin' 'amburgers

Thought I heard a can of wholesome and delicious Dinty Moore Beef Stew tumbling from the top shelf of the cupboard but turns out it was just my itinerant nose whistle

If you wake me up and don't read my rights to me, I'm going to assume you don't have any either

it rocks that every cable you purchase comes with TWO inevitable points of failure

There's a massive bruise on my right elbow and I have no idea where it came from. WebMD tells me I have 'Bow Rot and will be dead by noon. Remember me fondly.

Look, I’m no economist, nor do I play one on TV. More things I’m not and don’t play on TV as they develop.

"I have no idea what any of that means" -Me, most days.

these spin doctors aren’t doing shit for my nausea

This has been a great year for people who love being angry

One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

Looking forward to learning less about people.

Just a girl saying "anywhooo" after being very weird

told my grandma this is jonah hill now and she threw her dentures at the wall and locked herself in the bathroom.

this meeting could’ve been a post-it note

[during sex] Did you block me?

movies that you hate with force, go:

if you’re a bird I’m a bird look at my giant underwear

machete would be a beautiful name for a girl

Another way AI leads to suicide is that hearing people talk about it makes you want to jump into a jet engine

I have developed forearm muscles that have the appearance of someone who might habitually jerk off

One day you’re young and cool and the next you’re eating coleslaw for dessert.

A sommelier for medical side effects.

Be the answer to someone’s rhetorical question.

Thought I saw a delicious pizza in the creek, shimmering up at me, but it turned out to be fool’s pizza—a big disc of iron pyrite that just looked like pizza, & tasted, at best, like a stale focaccia.

I may not have any children but I fold up salvageable gift wrap for reuse like a mother

The rain a hushed litany.

*steals your thunder* i’m in my Thor era

For a small remuneration I’ll unfollow you.

I’ve decided to win the Oscar™️ for best actor this year.

I have a can of bug spray (for the mozzies) next to my bed that the cat has discovered makes an exceptional "Push for Service" bell.

Please don’t forget January 1st is another day. You have 364 days after to really fuck things up

sorry your star wars references were lost on me, garth skywalker

staying up late is a good idea because i see more spiders

You are all invited to my WTF party. Except you, Jeff. Wtf

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: no, why? did you forget?

My one resolution for 2026 is to refer to all my meals as either “wet food” or “dry food”

I might try having a happy used year instead this time

not every part of me is for everyone some pages of my book are open some are kept close for a select few souls some are buried deep in a murky bog down a path off a road that’s not on any maps

by comparison, the original 1976's 'The Omen' casting had the spectacular Lee Remick and Gregory Peck