anything you can do a cat can do better -cats. definitely cats

DOJ integrity is an oxymoron.

Lighting in a bottle is my stage name

It was so bitter cold today. Anyway, thought of you

if my cats are still snuggling with me in bed when it’s time to be at my desk then work just will have to wait

I would like to slap the person that started heart hands.

Emotional support bacon should be a thing

I don’t hate people, I just add their pics to my dart board

I feel connected to all the creatures on Earth this morning and, surprisingly, am not terrified

I gave up gluten and my sanity for lent

the fence post leaned toward me like it wanted to confess something terrible

In the time before smart phones we’d spend these hours placing needles on vinyl and chucking rocks at streetlights

back in my day, beans used to be a lot cooler

financial freedom comes with a check engine light on

I judge people by how they return a shopping cart. If you leave it loose in the parking lot, I assume you are also a republican, a jaywalker and don't tip.

does this flamethrower make me look like im ready to set the world on fire?

I put the ass in assclown

I love speaking and performing in front of large crowds of people I don’t get stage fright ~me flirting

I put the demon in pandemonium.

A Placebo cover band also called Placebo

My favourite part of the day is the performing the ceremonial blanket wrap.

two women arguing over whose handwriting is worse while both make mine look like the heartbeat monitor on a meth user in an earthquake.

That picture of Andrew cured my depression

RFK Jr. would’ve been considered unhealthy in the Mad Men office.

Life Hack: don’t.

i bet it feels so good for the bowling ball when you stick your fingers in it

Saying “no” without explaining yourself and other acts of bravery.

no one: bluesky: import your contacts EVERYONE:

That bitch* took my purple pen *coworker

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings

The yearn is out lobotomies are in

I hope whoever liberates us is very sexy.

who just straight up drinks milk, you know that shit was squirted out of them wiggly plump fingery boys dangling off an animal with like 87 stomachs right?

Triple foam, just to feel something

If he’s not holding your door or chair, it’s okay. My dad said men with small dicks have never learned to hold anything meaningful.

Pretty sure the cat lady at work only smokes to cover the smell of cat piss It’s me, I’m the cat lady

Establish airplane middle seat dominance by loudly regretting all that chili you had for breakfast

Cancel the plans we made while we were in a good mood or lose me forever

i bet it feels so good for the bowling ball when it knocks down all the pins

the carbon monoxide detector is flirting with me again

[ creature squawks ]

If I wanted to talk to my contacts, I'd contact them

giving up being the bigger person for lent

Sorry, I can’t. I have plans to not do that thing.

“proceed to check out” ? already there , thanks 😩

Performing a triple sowcow with chips, dip, and chocolate.

My wife scrolling Facebook: "It's sad. The women that really know how to sew have such bad taste."

wearing corduroy underarm shields so i sound fast when i run.

they should invent a TV show you can intermittent fasting watch

[flirting with the carnival barker] so are you related to travis