My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Who wants to fake the rapture w/me?

Our first dishwasher wasn't even a built-in model. It was an ugly beast on wheels and you had to roll it over to the sink when you were ready to use it. It had two hoses that hooked up to the sink faucet for water and drainage. Totally steam-punk.

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

Looking forward to gold stickers that boast 'Autism Free' at the holistic health fair. I hope they take bitcoin.

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

please like my posts it's the only thing keeping me off the streets

Ever since I decided to never pay for another brake job, I’ve been unstoppable.

I can’t wait to have granny energy.

dog’s hoping the rapture really is on tuesday bc he’s scheduled for a dental and he knows if anyone getting raptured out of here it’s him cause he’s the goodest boy

Earth Wind Fire Long ago, the 3 nations lived together in harmony But then everything changed when we went dancing in September

taping the small dorito pieces at the bottom of the bag together to make a normal size dorito makes them taste like tape

I'm weirder than AI art, so there's that.

"Can't. Cat trapped" is the new "Sorry. Can't make it. Have to wash my hair."

still unsure why we have a light soy sauce and a dark soy sauce

can i offer you shrek 2 on dvd in these trying times

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

Snacks at my place after the rapture.

OH NO WE BOUGHT A ZOO

small account handcrafted artisanal skeets

How come we didn’t get taught how to fold a fitted sheet in school

the last person to log off tonight is “it” I don’t make the rules

Consider that we don't even have a shared cultural understanding of what can be flushed.

the piñata takes a final bash to his side as his tootsie roll & jolly rancher innards spill to the ground. he looks up, ready to go to piñata heaven & meet piñata jesus. two days later he’s still in a dumpster with half an uneaten birthday cake wondering where piñata god is.

the DRINK THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENEMIES™️ people won’t tell you this but it does come with trade-offs, namely indigestion low libido and a rotting corpse smell when you pee

anyone wanna fold me up and throw me like a paper airplane?

there are scrambled eggs where my brain used to be of course you can snack on me

airport terminal shops in the US are really missing a grift by not selling aerodynamic bras and underwear “to make your plane go faster”

being poor is such bullshit i can’t even afford to hire someone to pee for me

maybe he’s cake remember when everything was cake? has anyone checked maybe the whole regime is cake

brain, brain, go away overthink some other day

wanna come over with ur theragun? 👉👈

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

if you say ridonkidonk one more time consider this friendship over

no question the doritos taco flavor reboot with the fake see-through window will have fbi scratching they head

I'm pretty sure this guy in Aisle 29, who told his wife he's, "sick of her mouth," and, "fuck fixing that shed," will be available within 1 to 3 working days if it's time to change out your husband.

reality, but it’s just a jump scare

So, turns out, I've just been out of my gourd for several weeks due to chronic sleep deprivation? Cool.

Errbody on the club canceling Disney+

Dog people just assume you love their dog as much as they do even when there's pink lipstick involved

I joke a lot about sex for someone that doesn’t have any

I know it’s the season of the witch because I’m hunting for the perfect broom handle to ride.

We were never meant to see anything from above so in that way we are all a secret message to outer space. If you don't believe me, take a technology to the top of a tree and look at yourself. I was a left turn at Albuquerque

in between one post and another i’m doing weird & exciting things

So it's musical podcasts, and I'm left without a headset.

anakin skywalker is like three and competitively pod racing when i can’t even parallel park.

My podcast is me farting in a crowded elevator.

Sure, we can do it you're way. But, its dumb.

I think my boss is sick of me calling him "toots"

Coincidence or not Every time the Epstein file talk gets hot someone ends up dead