new year, new me. im Batman now

aggressively slamming the Like button

Bring back Snapple facts and glass bottles.

social media is cool I guess but I kinda miss the hacky sack circle

I was wished a Happy New Year at the end of 2024 and it didn't work.

Sitting here without my glasses on, micro-dosing the innocence before the fall.

Redacting is the new black

Manifesting peace, love, and a little go fuck yourself for the new year

Hopefully that was the last cat puke of 2025

I have ingested the cremini mushroom and patiently await her cosmic teachings.

Her eyes said no but her eyebrows said SURPRISE

two of my favorite people are capricorns, somehow.

Nice empire of dirt, dude. It would be a shame if I could have it all

I don’t know if I have a crush on you or if you’re just there and I’m like ‘oh’.

Forget the sexual situations and coarse language, someone should’ve warned me about the catchy theme music

Life's too short to waste time looking for matching socks.

At least my rewatch of Mad Men is going great.

Oh no, not my last brain cell

I'm pretty good at getting thanked for the reminder.

a bank tube but for shooting me straight from my couch to the mall food court

fried onions on really anything, that is all

When I’m gone? People don’t remember me now.

To each his own fries.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

My look today was isolated wind gust

My one eyelid is planning a coup.

I can't be mildly amused until after I've had some tums

im being bullied by the cost of being alive

thanks for the best wishes where can I cash them in

I already know I'm just a secret you didn't have to film five different endings about it

at least tomorrow is next year

Oh SHIT MY ROSE PARADE FLOAT IS DUE TOMORROW

May the ayahuaska shamans be ever in your favor.

They're drunk in Australia already.

hey guys where do we find the highway to the quiet zone all i can find is the danger one

I do not enjoy explosion based holidays.

If I have to wear whatever I died in as a ghost, I would like to be clad in a glow in the dark skeleton onesie.

What if farting was contagious like yawning?

hear me out: Judge Slingblade

2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2̶0̶2̶2̶ 2̶0̶2̶3̶ 2̶0̶2̶4̶ 2̶0̶2̶5̶ 2026 will be my year.

Astronauts at home be like “babe, just gimme some space”

If you're seeing this, it's a sign from the Universe to see this. You're welcome.

The situation is extremely rare that is not improved by cheese.

I love how weed makes me feel like I’ve cracked the code of the universe, and the code is just me eating saltines and drinking ginger ale at midnight on a Tuesday.

At a diner at ten pm on a Tuesday like we’re teenagers

Little Miss Shove Your Sunshine Right Up Your Ass

Getting roasted in the air traffic control chat because I caused another plane crash

I went to the grocery store for the first time since Christmas. Bleary eyed, I turned slightly away from the overhead lights. The other shoppers looked surprised to be there as well. It was everyone’s first day of life.

People who let off fireworks outside the time frame should be stoned to death

The Internet really wants to sell me three different kinds of makeup sticks for my face to make me cheery, shiny, and a third thing I haven’t figured out.