This person took this when they called the race

actors are always pretending to be someone they’re not 🤷‍♀️

most novels are just made up stuff

note to people: please do not stand at the counter in a coffee shop - you are blocking others from getting to their coffee!

It turns out it was a mistake to try and wax my chest with melted Crayolas.

I may be wrong, but I feel like a couple of hits from a beer bong and an 80's metal mixtape might fix me.

I need a sound machine that makes the stirring of macaroni and cheese sounds.

It's not that I don't like people... Well, actually, that's it exactly. I don't like people

an extinction level event would fix all of you

Every mistake comes with a little disguise it makes a show of reaching for, it's up to you whether you say french maid or I just forgot your birthday and your modesty

despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage (none of my posts have broken containment)

Have your demons summon my demons.

Don’t let today’s failures stop tomorrow’s disappointments.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, falling asleep.

What season is it? Walmart: yes

Alexa, how do you get wine stains off of a cat?

“True,” I say, to something I didn’t even hear.

Welcome to adulthood, you now snap your fingers when dancing.

Really want my chalk outline to have an hourglass figure.

Lighting all the candles at this Dollar General, before getting kicked out, to achieve peace and enlightenment.

I like my Topias to have more U than Dys, as it turns out

life's been good enough to me to allow me to hold your hand on occasion...

Nope. Can't. Detaching quote posts without matching likes.

day 27,548 of having pet cats: I still feel honored every time one of these miniature lions curls up in my lap

If my personal data is so valuable why can everyone sell it but me?

Did you know the height of the truck represents how many years it’s been since someone touched their pee pee?

Just once, I’d like to admire my naked body in a full length mirror without getting kicked out of Kohl’s.

full contact origami

If Texas Roadhouse rolls were a person, they’d be @overlooked237.bsky.social

If the middle cinnamon roll were a person, it’d be @nahyoudoit.bsky.social

so I “accidentally” ate a portion of the protein bar wrapper myob

Last night was cool. You could hear the Moon breathing.

Dentist told me she saw god in how well I flossed

I capitalize The World, The Seasons, The Moon, The Sun, The Sea… cause to me they’re all people.

I don’t want to play any game that requires me to put skin into it.

If the barber doesn’t gotta red white & blue barber pole spinning in front of the shop & blue barbercide on the counters—you’re fucked. They’re really gonna fuck up ya hair

Louvre wifi password is MOANLISA69

I park furthest away from entrances. It’s more of a walk, but I’m always outta there first.

don’t tell me you cloned your dog but would never cheat in a football game you fucking asshole

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten From the Battery to the top of Manhattan Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin Black, White, New York you make it happen

Next time, let’s try a Speaker who isn’t eager for the rapture.

at 9:34 pm the associated press has called the race: the next mayor of bluesky will be frances meh

the existence of Ms. Pac-Man implies the existence of Ms. Kool-Aid Man

him: what are you wearing? her: (whisper) bologna

black forest ham, dark fortress chicken, cursed talisman turkey

Exits polls from coming in from the precincts suggest that if you pop that junk up in The Bronx you might not live.

Speaks poorly of Doc he could never cure Sneezy.