Hear me out… … a crossbody strap for my burrito

honestly jolene you can fucking have him, good luck girl

Happy Pride 🌈

Please rephrase your question in the form of an 80s power ballad.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, you’ll see the Matrix. Your reality is all just ones and zeroes. Me: [sweating] I didn’t know there would be math.

My inner monologue has been replaced with the sound of a bone saw.

Don't end anything until you are ready to have ended something. Everything is so already over it's heartbreaking but if you end it yourself having used what's called past perfect, it never have taken away

do you think donald trump has ever worn a backpack

˙ʇɐq ɐ ǝɯoɔǝq oʇ pǝpᴉɔǝp ǝʌ,I 'ʇᴉ ʞɔnℲ

don’t give up -me to the hairbrush laying in the street

We go together like sugar and gas tanks

Some bridges are worth rekindling

I need some shaolin zen master-ass bitch to teach me how to grill mark

there are over four hundred stars in our universe

Hope you find an intriguing scab on your head today

Wow. So I just saw a traffic light bulb being changed. (It takes two men and two cops to change a lightbulb)

I saw a guy rip open a box at the grocery store and shove a handful of frozen chicken nuggets into his pocket, so I guess my life is ok.

You look like the intrusive thoughts won the battle

Honestly, I have no fuckin idea why anybody is following me at this point.

What I lack in mental health I make up for in snack pouches

I leave the porch light on in hopes that the moths will keep you away

Any crystal can be a protective crystal if it’s thrown correctly.

The first verse goes along precisely with what you are doing, right on. The second verse begins to veer so you veer your life to keep living the song, okay. The chorus just isn't you, the jig is up, get a new car

Choking on the context.

my shower thoughts generally revolve around wondering how long i can spend in the shower before a rescue team comes in to retrieve me

prosciutto all over your face and sing to me if you want to unlock the next level

Nearly midnight here in Indiana. You can hear the corn. Whispering conspiracies.

remember if they run super hot it means they’re also likely gonna run cold af

Jesus just appeared to me in a dream. He called me a fuckface.

Okay, so here's the deal. I repost you, and you only repost my reposts

now that pennies are discontinued what are we supposed to be pinching? is it butts

Most people will never experience unconditional love. Whether they want to admit it or not, there are conditions. They may not even be aware of them, but they’re there.

what if i defended your honor in the Costco parking lot? what then?

this is just a sample of what i dont have to offer

Every time someone blocks me: Wow. Sorry you’re choosing sadness and misery over premium-grade jokes.

Hot girl hack: You can use your armpit sweat to help open the grocery produce bags. Stay sexy out there, gals.

I don’t like to brag, and it’s easy because I’m terrible.

it was then, dear reader, that the author realized fuck this shit

where’s a raccoon when you need one?

Morrissey just called and told me I’m a bummer.

why are threesomes only for sex i want to join a couple when they're getting cake

me: what are the nicest cafés in guimarães? chatgpt: for an anthropologist to observe locals? me: fuck you. but yes

They considered ignoring the stop sign, knowing that this old company town was now fully abandoned, but chose to make a complete stop out of some kind of respect for what had once been. "When You're Here You're Home," announced the mural across the street.

i identify as a marxist academic but most cashiers just shrug it off

who up plotting how to get the groove back from Stella

Giving my elbows a little bit of moisturiser today cos it's their birthday too

Mr. Bean and Ms. Peen, the Bean-Peen dream team

if I howled at you would you say I have a Husky voice