Looking forward to the episode of Bsky where we all go to Hawaii.

pataders

Ima gonna be posting links to paywalled sites ALL DAY LONG BOOYA

Heated steering wheel morning mode activated everyone. Ill have my butler do it, do you have any grey poupon? (Tosses $100 bills out the window)

Every morning, I try to read REAL NEWS before I check the silly stuff, and my newsfeed is riddled with Buzzfeed listicles and I always fail in my mission to BE SERIOUS. Because look at this one.

I-

These people need to up their rapture game there’s no lightning bolts or explosions or anything wow-y here 2 out of 10 stars

they should make flare guns you can fire indoors

I need an oh oh oh ozempic but for people with stupid-ass disease

Yeah I have the winning megamillions ticket what do ya got for it?

I should eat more rollerdogs

would any of you be on my podcast

I know, I’m so gullible I should just have “sucker” tattooed on my grillpiece but ISTFG the labor day bunny is real and he left a shit ton of coin under my pillow

I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and eat more food

Jim is short for Jimnasium.

*seeing roofers next door* I wonder if any of them are serial killers

having a think think Pooh Bear moment

Ed Oliver (91) CRUSHING Lamar Jackson The late blitz from the slot frees Oliver up, and he plays off of it to detonate on contact

About to wake up my wife and kids diving through my dining room table. Letsssssss gooooooo #billsmafia

Game and what?

SCORIGAMI BEYOTCH!!!

WHAT #BillsMafia

I am dividing my life into the time before and after I saw the NFL float commercial

AFCE 0-3 they understood the assignment #GoBills #BillsMafia

Gameday preview #TecmoSuperBowl #NES #GoBills #BillsMafia #SNF #Ravens

I can

Normalize picking food from friends’ teeth

#MusicChallenge #REMTop30 24 Leave

Listen… I too am an undercover informant working to dismantle the U.S.A., by infiltrating the cult of shit-posters on Bluesky My opp name is Bait McMuff Ssh don’t tell anyone .. want a cookie

I need (something no one has thought up yet) to call my emotional support (something no one has thought up yet)

Therapist: You have to make space for the feelings Me: You mean the hotdog Therapist: What? Me: *writing* make space for the hotdog. Got it

leaving this hellscape behind for a life in Antartica where I will worship the golden penguin

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

we all die like a humpty dumpty, so hard

Bro where is your decorum

do you want Amazon Prime free next day delivery or do you want Ricky delivery

bff means bigfoot forever actually

according to this pregnancy test, i’m on drugs

Jesus would have just used =SumIf()

Adding a pivot table - THE CHRISTIAN WAY

Siri just asked me what my fukin deal is

rfkjr give the people medical cocaine you coward

hey um so there was an explosion at the dumbaas bitch factory

there are exactly two correct uses for mayonnaise

Do people still be frontin?

I should probably pass this on to you lizards as well: no I do not know how many cells are in a 36v battery carton. Thank you for your attention to this matter

I wonder if cheese loves me

The Dallas Cowboys biggest mistake? Not trading for Caitlin, by Christine Brennan.