Jesus f-ing Christ now I gotta put my Bridge and Power Plant Day Ham back in the fridge yet again

Kilauea’s waking up for those who are interested

You've got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Arizona teas aren't even 99 cents anymore, it’s $1.09 pls at least put it on the price tag so people won’t be duped and isn’t the club member card supposed to make it 99 cents 🙄

Happy Easter. Here are some gorgeous flowers that are absolutely stealing the show. From my sister’s garden and staged and photographed beautifully by her. I am my sister’s fangirl.

Nobody talks about how satisfying it is to unsubscribe from an email you’ve been deleting for four years. This is what victory tastes like.

I’d like to teleport to a Waffle House rn.

about time someone called that motherfucker out

So, this is the show.. theres a guy, you know, a guy ok? Ok? And he’s fixing he’s bike. Not a motorcycle, like a bike bike ok? Ok, like fukin, the chain, patching tires with that smelly glue an shit, putting flags all over the fuck ok?ok? And then, get this…he fixes it and then JESUS COMES. JACKPOT

Who would win a fight, a chocolate rabbit, or a dozen peeps?

Ordering some dan dan noodles and crab rangoon from a local joint for Easter, as Jesus intended

It’s Easter and my nickname in college was bunny so it’s basically my day too

Might fuck around and go to Chicago

How is the horse cake editorial different from my alt? 🤷‍♀️ Apart from horse.

I did it! Don't let ur dreams just be dreams, kids..

telling jokes on the internet is also a hobby but like a secret one that you shouldn’t tell people about

You are bleeding.

Everyone just getting HAMmered today.

Who is gritty going to sacrifice tonight

Rising fuel prices have forced us to shut down our gasoline-powered slot machines

Should we all meet at Walgreens first thing Monday to stock up on cheap Easter candy? Never mind. If you see me there, you can just nod hello. My mouths going to be too full of caramel to say hi.

I need someone to glaze my ham *wink wink*

they don't tell you this when you're born but you can set your respawn point at any gas station in the usa for free

There’s no way the Easter Bunny’s chocolate is ethically sourced.

Pippin the foster bunny in his new hideaway

everything is awful and nothing matters so go ahead and start doing halloween posts

Back from the store

Went to the store

He did all that work and suffering for us and all I can think about is I almost have enough points for an ice machine

dependable snack Lifetime Achievement award goes to butter sandwich

changing into my plaid slacks for whimsy’s sake

Neither burnt nor raw but a secret, more mysterious uneatable pizza

I found it, the most deranged way a grocery store has ever displayed pasta sauce

The flow of meat must not be interrupted

Put on your easter bonnet bro

Why is forbidden daytime comfy so much more comfy than necessary to sleep comfy which is just not comfy at all really

Calm down responsibilities, I'm over here trying to be sarcastic on the internet.

I still can’t believe they killed Jesus.

First turn!

The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me. It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."

I guess it’s been a little bit damp out there. #mushrooms #fungi

happy easter! 🐑 🩷

I currently have three hand-sewn creatures available at my Big Cartel shop. jeremycreature.bigcartel.com

Godzilla vs. Kong was not the emotionally charged courtroom drama I expected.

Kinda fucked up that milkshakes are like $12

The Easter Bunny says hello..

liking random people’s weird comments on my posts secure in the knowledge that all of my metals are heavy

Three cheese could include, as one of the three, a four cheese.

Made a new playlist