pretend i'm saying something super funny rn

You should have to click 7 extra buttons to reply-all to an email.

None of this would have happened if they had named it Boaty McBoatface like we wanted

putting a plastic baby inside one of the meatballs tonight ssh don’t tell my family

Words in an order to be determined later

during commercials they should let me go down the bobsled track in my laundry basket

Threatening to malk you

⭐️ Pass it along, let’s see your pfp in its full-sized glory!

the age of belts is over, the time of suspenders has come

The best guest host for the Muppets would be Werner Herzog

What in the name of all that is holy?!

When we say all-you-can-eat bread sticks, we mean it. You will have to eat your way out from under a mountain of bread sticks. They will never stop.

Shopping for 40% off cookware like our founding fathers intended

To: All Staff Subject: Ted Danson's Hair Ted Danson's Cheers era hair will be on display in the mammal house through April and move to the aviary for nesting season.

[an old Irish blessing] May you never meet your socials in real life

I did buy this pin. Now I need a pin that says “wait, I see a pin about seeing rocks”

I'm going through an alarming, but also necessary amount of bourbon.

Work today was dumb I literally lost braincells today

It’s always some emergency. "Your grandson is in jail!" —First of all, my grandson is six. He’s doing hard time in a ball pit.

and thats monday great job we did it

At this point, the news sounds like rejected plot lines from a low-budget apocalypse movie.

Is this a question and a statement? Both? Neither? Help us out, Craig.

Sometimes people come into your life, and that’s got to stop.

Valentines Day should be an eggnog holiday too.

happy presidents day

Me, a celebrity chef: your Caesar salad made me understand why the man was stabbed as many times as he was. If this was served to me at a restaurant the chef would be screaming “ET TU BRUTE” while they death gurgle in the demiglaze

The Björks keep getting into my chimney flue.

Me, a celebrity chef: your pierogies were so ass you should go up to that “hidden” crawl space section in your attic with a Coleman ™️ inflatable bed and a flashlight and just stay there forever and hope your neighbors stop by every now and then and slide bologna and cheese sandwiches under your door

I’m tired of spiders thinking they can go anywhere they want! Show me your papers!

accidentally murdered a tiny spider while scrubbing my shower today, and I don’t think that guilt is just going to go away overnight

you’re all beautiful and shit (shit is stuck in my head)

Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years

Dinner is served

CURLING FIGHT MF’ers!

What the ACTUAL FUCK

Emoluments clause, schlemoulments clause

strawberry shortcake: vampire hunter

the winter ozempics

Chimichurri gotta be a top 5 sauce

I bet i could drink that whole Willy Wonka river. It didn't look that big.

Burn out? Did Michelangelo burn out when painting the Sistine Chapel? Oh he did. Oh no.

A tree outside my house keeps trying to wave me over like it has gossip.

simmer down Charlie Brown

They make goth coke now

I feel like I’ve seen this around before but goddamn it’s undeniable.

Every so often white people accidentally just invent cum town again

I invented a word in my sleep. Hamage. It is a way to describe how much ham you have. Also, a movie series of Pigs in Space Coming soon! Hamage VII: Space Sector Swine

My cat has informed me that today will also be Caturday and that there should be more treats.