A coma would fix me

light-colored tees show my hard nipples but dark-colored tees show cat hair what’s a man to do?

anyone wanna run off with me to a deserted island and start our own country? I get to be president

Been awake for 45 seconds and got called annoying by my tween daughter 3 times

Remember steak? I miss steak

I get knocked down. I don't get up again. I stay lying comfortable on the ground.

If I watch enough pharmaceutical ads, I fear I'm going to start developing random side effects

😱 Big news: @gamechanger.dropout.tv Season 7 is NOMINATED for a Webby! And @dimension20.dropout.tv Gauntlet at The Garden was an honorable mention by the Webbys. Please congratulate our incredible talent & crew involved for this huge accomplishment! 🎉

In hundreds of years archaeologists will unearth Bluesky and give our posts the likes they deserve

Show me you love me by getting a face tattoo of my face that already has a face tattoo of your face which now has a face tattoo of my face which has a face tattoo of your face...and on and on. A nesting face tattoo doll of love.

I have a killer body, even if I say so myself. If I fell on anyone, there’s absolutely no way they’d survive.

Absolutely cannot wait for jorts and crop top season

As my children get older, I seem to become less of a parent and more of a personal assistant…

real fartknocker hours who up

Really hope they cover system.ini in the style of RUSH

hello 👋 i have developed a new tool called blüuümpíi. blüuümpíi will convert every file on your hard drive to a .wav file without asking you, maximize your system volume, and play them on every bluetooth speaker you have ever connected to. if you offer feedback on blüuümpíi i will take legal action

Baseball would be more fun and unpredictable if everyone played for a different team every night

F, M, K: Guy who's way too into South Park Guy who's way too into Family Guy Guy who's way too into Rick and Morty

if you quote a skeet of my skeet and get more likes than me that’s actually illegal

Show me you love me by getting a face tattoo of my face that already has a face tattoo of your face which now has a face tattoo of my face which has a face tattoo of your face...and on and on. A nesting face tattoo doll of love.

Y'all have no idea what I do except fly everywhere and obsess over cheese

Good night to people who tolerate me, and you only

Stop it. Cheese isn't supposed to be that hard.

I don't have two wolves inside me but I do have a vast emptiness that they could roam free in

My mom kept a few teeth, and a little bit of our hair, but it’s just sentimental, it’s not for witch stuff. We have a close relationship and she would confide in me if she was dabbling in the occult.

they are adding a sixth stage to grief called monkey mode

As someone who was once 42, you do not want 42 year olds enlisting

I'm exceptionally middling, smartly dumb, engagingly calm and numbingly sensitive. Also, pull my finger.

I have Sophia's temperament, Rose's intellect and Blanche's libido

I’m too young to be this goddamn old

old mcdonald had an arm AI AI oh and on that arm he had two thumbs AI AI oh with a brush brush here and a blur blur there old mcdonald had an arm AI AI oh ...and all together now

I wish I had gotten spat out of a different quantum singularity 13.7 billion years ago

I'm an adult in the same way a tomato is a fruit.

Dorothy in the streets, Blanche in the sheets

Me making a pot of coffee in the morning looks shockingly like a crackhead looking for a lighter.

Appreciating my mutuals. Just.. hi

Antioxidants keep your oxen and other ungulates smooth and dent free.

I have Sophia's temperament, Rose's intellect and Blanche's libido

When I think of the coodies I contracted attending raves as a teenager…all the coodies. 🤮

It took 45 years and a typo, but I finally got the pun in the band name “Soft Cell”

The refreshing spray that hits the back of your legs when the toilet flushed automatically when you stand up

i sexted you in elvish pls respond

Them: Knock knock. Me: Do you know what time it is? Them: That's not how it goes. You're supposed to ask, "Who's there?" Me: I don't give a fuck who's there. Them: Knock knock. Me: Do you know what time it is? Them: *sigh* No. Me: Bedtime. Fuck off.

i liked your earlier stuff yeah you know like what you posted this morning

Walking around in wooden shoes takes clognitive skills.

passwords should be like “that’s close enough”

I STOLE MEAT RIGHT OFF THE DINING TABLE I REGRET NOTHING

And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew I would Irish goodbye out of there so fast

And if you threw a party and invited everyone you knew I would Irish goodbye out of there so fast