So Achilles is currently staring at me like this

Don’t eat any batteries today.

For the ninth time, Ultimate Bingo is similar to Ultimate Frisbee. You are throwing a bingo card rather than a frisbee. And you cannot throw your card until you make a Bingo. Tackling is allowed.

Spaghettification sounds really fun.

If his mattress is on the floor, it just means that he is still a boy at heart who is scared of monsters under the bed and thus wants to give them no space in which to hide.

Tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate having lost 20 lbs by wearing a white shirt because I won’t look like Frosty the Snowman’s fat ass in it now.

Honestly, any time someone is describing a dream to me, I just zone out and concentrate on doing kegels until it’s over.

My God, What Have You Done To Yourself For That Klondike Bar?!?!?!

Jello and karate do not mix.

There is literally no problem in my life right now that could not be solved with a duffel bag filled with $37,000 in non sequential bills.

Full spellings of BBQ ranked: 5: Bar-b-q 4: Bar-b-que 3. Barbeque 2. Arbecue-bay 1. Barbecue

Reverse cowgirl because we both have money on the game.

I hope they start putting too much tartar sauce on his Filet-o-Fishes.

Rewatching Back to the Future II and I look way better at 47 than Marty McFly or Jennifer McFly do. Gonna take that as today’s win.

You’re washing your blueberries wrong.

I had a British exchange student take three of my classes this past year. She stopped by my office during finals week to give me some British gummy candy (good stuff!) and tell me I was totally unlike any of her profs back home in the UK (complimentary).

I think it would be fun to learn one of them dances where part of it looks like the dance partners are about to fight each other.

Every time I read about the Mandalorian and Grogu, I think it’s September right now for some reason. This is the only thing that is fucking me up in that specific way.

Sometimes I feel like I was the B-Side to the dude some of my exes actually wanted to date.

I never actually saw Cast Away. I think I got the gist of it, though. Dude ends up stranded on an island. Has a psychosexual affair with a volleyball. He makes it off the island after fixing his broken back using rope somehow. Then he lives happily ever after with Catwoman.

Battleship Rumplestiltskin

I’m unsafe at any speed. Bead cede deed feed greed heed keyed lead mead need peed reed seed teed weed breed creed freed greed plead read steed treed. Whoops, rhyming dictionary took over the rest of that aw skeet skeet motherfucker.

If you come at me with a $100 bill, I will come back at you with 2000 nickels, you piece of shit.

My cat keeps staring at me like, “wanna take a nap, bro?” Yeah bro, I wanna take a nap.

Famous Potatoes.

I happen to prefer “Satan” as the name for The Devil. Mephistopheles and Beelzebub are too clunky. Lucifer sounds like he might run a secondhand clothes store. Satan just fits, like a glove on a man with five penises.

I’m just sorry about how the homemade taffy turned out. The swelling should go down in a few days.

The Science Side of Me: opossum The Born and Raised in South Carolina Side of Me: possum

For the first time in a while, I have an important set of papers I need to read. Naturally, Achilles has gone Full Loaf on top of them. Such a goober.

Interesting experience to write a resume for a different career path to test some more lucrative waters.

I don’t like sitcom hijinks that result in weddings with only coworkers present or pregnant women who have to ultimately give birth at work. That shit is tired and the writers should think up some other shit. I’m tired of the first shit and I want new shit. It’s TV writing; try, dammit.

We can’t be living in a simulation because I cannot be drowned by deleting the ladder from the pool. I’ll just get out of the pool like Phoebe Cates in Fast Times. And yeah, I’ll flash my hooters at you too.

Tunas ranked by how fun it is to say their names: 6) Yellowtail 5) Bluefin 4) Albacore 3) Bullet 2) Bigeye 1) Skipjack

Therapist told me to quit wearing my vest of dynamite to appointments.

0.69 inches of rain expected tonight. Nice. Because we are in a drought. Also, the overrated sex thing. I’m good at multitasking, but not when a woman is blowing me. I ascend to the astral plane or some shit.

I was gonna rest after getting home from the airport but I took a hot nap (ugh) and then wrote my syllabi for summer classes. I also went to the store for bananas. I will rest when I’m dead from a banana overdose!

I would like to own one (1) ICBM.

Both assholes seated next to me in first class on this flight are shoeless, one is barefoot (he wore a sport coat and shorts and is watching CNBC intensely on his own phone). Something something becoming the Joker something something.

Bring back the strappado.

Sorry i woke up late. I was trying to find some hidden keys in a dream i was having.

This bed is what I imagine sleeping on a giant cheesecake would feel like.

Dude’s name sounded like a creature Hercules had to fight as part of his 12 labors.

Fingerblasting across the alkali flats, laying waste to all the haters

My doctor said I can eat as many spiders as I want while I’m sleeping. His exact words: go nuts, bro. I don’t think he is a very good doctor.

My exit interview is going to consist of three words: Go Greased Lightning

Doggystyle can get boring unless the other person has interesting shoulder blades or a spine like a stegosaurus.

Convinced a church group that the word “Wow” was originally an acronym for “Wild Omaha Weiner”.

Bobby Bubble playing Bubble Bobble by the Bay of Biscay while babbling about Lubumbashi.

Horse stalls should have toilets in them. Bathroom stalls should be big enough for a horse. Basically, they should be interchangeable in case we need more of either. We need to be prepared for either eventuality.

I bring what has been described as “rodeo clown energy” to the party.