I have Periodic Table of Elements bedsheets. I’m not even a fucking chemist. I don’t work for Dow. I think my ass is squarely on Molybdenum right now.

Someone wake up Karl Marx and tell him I’m over here extracting surplus value from the proletariat!

Jacksonville, FL Pensacola, FL Tallahassee, FL Beaumont, TX Waco, TX Columbia, SC Just off the top of my head. New Orleans would’ve made the list if it wasn’t for the food.

Terminator of Endearment: Arnold Schwarzenegger is sent back in time to kill Shirley MacLaine’s daughter, Debra Winger, due to her being absolutely insufferable. He also kills Jeff Daniels for fun.

APRIL THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU NERDS

How the fuck did I lose a whole-ass IKEA bag? I had three, but now only have two.

Sometimes I’ll see a dude and just be like, “I bet that asshole plays the banjo.”

Okay, fine, it WAS weird that I was laughing maniacally while holding a flaming human heart in my hand. But I maintain that it did NOT ruin dinner with your parents that night.

My dissertation for a Ph. D. in English would’ve been about the odd punctuation patterns in Roth-era Van Halen song titles.

You. Me. Olive Garden. Unlimited breadsticks. Unlimited breadstick fights. Unlimited breadstick attacks on the waitstaff. Unlimited 911 calls. Unlimited pepper spray. Unlimited full body restraints. Unlimited jail. Unlimited f-bombs at the trial judge. Unlimited contempt charges. Unlimited love.

maintains eye contact while swallowing a hot dog whole

Kicked out of the store for asking which pantyhose looked best for covering my face. They seemed to be uncomfortable with the fact that I was also buying ammunition and sacks with dollar signs printed on them while also inquiring about the closest bank.

Great, looks like another weekend where BlueSky is up its own ass. I’d rather have a lamprey latch itself to my scrotum.

Ernesto “Shabbadoo” Guevara

The next pandemic is gonna be the Carnauba Virus and it’s gonna wax all our asses.

That dollar store home colonoscopy kit was just a length of fire hose and a gerbil in a doctor’s coat.

Hate when she grabs the horns of my Viking helmet during sex and pretends I’m a motorcycle.

I can’t get over the fact that this Pope has most likely eaten hot dogs in his lifetime.

Peas porridge hot Peas porridge cold Peas porridge up your butt As the prophecy foretold

I’ve got a LEGO version of that rocket they are about to launch on this mission to blow up the moon end transmission

Exactly how many sucker MCs are we talking about?

We should never elect another former steak salesman for Sharper Image as President again.

Still pissed off that I was dragged to see something called Failure to Launch and it was neither about the space program’s setbacks nor an inability to get a midday meal.

Who wants to make $26 the hard way (give my cat a bath)

Bingo parlors should have ejector seats.

If I was the dude in The Raven, I wouldn’t have gone all mental over some bird. I would’ve gotten rich by selling tickets to see the thing. Shouting at the neighborhood like, “Hey Everyone! Come see the asshole bird that only knows one word! Five bucks a pop! Ten if you want your pic with it!”

This hamburger needed way more fucking help than was in that little box.

I personally can’t wait for all the idiot contractors who sign on to build that dipshit’s “library” to get stiffed on the bill.

Stop trying to put your spirit fingers in my mouth.

Even though I know they are important, I hate the introductions in books. Just get to the good shit already. It’s kinda like meeting people. Let’s skip names and the “hey how ya doin” shit and just start talking to me in detail about how much you hate your family.

Which one of The Bee Gees would’ve been most likely to get his foot caught in a bear trap? Show your work below.

Chernobyl was my fault. I shouldn’t have done that. My bad.

I’m sorry I yelled out your name on the evening local news as a possible suspect in that double homicide. In my defense, it does seem like something you would do.

My cat is sleeping so I’m gonna put his paw in a bowl of warm water and yes he just bit the shit out of my hand so mission aborted.

Was I supposed to shave my face today? I must dwell on this.

My coffin is going to be lined with Mentos. Then, when the time is right, an ally of mine will push the Diet Coke Button, and as my body shoots out of my grave, a chorus of children will be there to sing Jimmy Buffett’s “Volcano”.

Mine would be Hotel California. My mom’s would be Debby Boone’s You Light Up My Life. My dad’s would be anything by the Beatles.

Thinking about becoming a lumberjack so people will quit being freaked out that I’m always carrying a chainsaw.

I remember when I waited tables many moons ago, and holy shit I hated St. Patrick’s Day. Buncha douchebag amateur drinkers who did NOT know how to be “drunk in public” whining about wanting their Bud Lights dyed green. And the puke…oh god the puke…

Well, I dint know you had a septic tank. So, again, I’m sorry for flushing a Cornish game hen down your toilet.

Reverse cowgirl because I’m studying to be a chiropractor so staring at vertebrae is helpful.

Today is a great day to talk to a dishonest piece of shit for the last time.

Asking my doctor if I can get Wolverine claws implanted in my arms. When he scoffs at that, that’s when I hit him with the demand for a bionic butt.

Combination eyeglasses shop and pet neutering service called Spectacles and Testicles. Also there is a KFC attached for some reason.

rip Tchaikovsky u would’ve loved hoobastank

The cockpit of every 747 should be filled with a baker’s dozen ill-tempered parakeets.

Just once, I’d like to find $7.2 million in a secret crawlspace.

This is the only day I end up hearing really good jokes about stabbing megalomaniacal assholes. Seems like every day would be a good day for such jokes. Alas.

Need to do laundry tomorrow because the only clean outfit I have is my Mola Ram costume from Halloween seven years ago. Can’t wear that around Costco.

The message in the bottle read: “Shove this bottle up your ass and have someone kick it until it breaks.” This seemed rather aggressive to me.