Told my therapist today that I’ve finally stopped having that dream in which Phil Collins shows up to kick my ass as I’m about to take the final putt to win the PGA Championship. But it was a lie. I’m actually still awake right now because I’m dreading that dream.

Brewing up a batch of vegan Pepsi.

The spices and seasonings in today’s lunch were obscene. They made me hate myself for engaging in the essential practice of eating.

The Eagles shouldn’t have been allowed to call themselves that. Someone should’ve stopped them.

I’ll eat an ice cream sandwich with a knife and fork. I don’t give a fuck.

CONGRATS, TEXANS!

YESSSSSS RODGERS PICK-SIX

Texans should just immediately punt it on first down so they can keep tackling rodgers

This game is making me curse the invention of televised sports.

The Steelers only having the logo on one side of their helmets has bugged me for the four decades I’ve paid attention to football. Maybe it’s due to being a Libra and striving for balance in everything.

I feel like I would manage to wreck an F1 race car even going 17 mph through a dead suburban megamall’s parking lot.

Starting a company whose central ethos will be putting xanthan gum in anything and everything. We will hire only people who don’t know what the fuck xanthan gum even is, but are willing to be zealots for it.

I run a secret pet grooming service called The Less Shed About It, The Better.

I didn’t think living in the blurst of times would be this stressful.

Jean-Ralphio in the Fireball commercial is perfect casting because Fireball Blazing Apple sounds like a Tom Haverford idea (derogatory).

Ab workout yesterday was too intense. I just sneezed twice and I thought an alien was going to burst out of me due to the intensity of the pain.

Squibbish - kind of explodes like a blood pack on a movie gunshot victim The Italian lemons were particularly juicy and squibbish when I was cooking with them today.

I feel comforted by the fact I forever got love from them Bone Thugs, baby.

That game was made a lot more entertaining by the fact that the ball is shaped like a Russet baking potato.

He stole my seat and he knows he stole my seat. He was plotting the entire time. This “furniture as a game of RISK” shit has got to stop lol

If the Packers lose, they should have to work in a meatpacking plant for a week. If the Bears lose, they should have to hibernate in a cave for a week. To make it equivalent, the cave will be made to smell like a meatpacking plant. Also, it will be filled with dangerous machinery.

Troika would be a great name for a triceratops. Junta would be a great name for a stegosaurus.

Oregon is coming apart like a LEGO man.

More than a little pissed that Samsung TV Plus automatically starts up with Fox News…I turned on my upstairs TV and saw JD Vance’s rotund face and his dead eyes spouting murderous authoritarian bullshit yesterday and could not make a switch fast enough. I would’ve rather had Goatse on my TV.

Stephen Hawking Presents Being Turned Into a Puddle of Goo After Being Blasted With Gamma Rays.

Placing bets on competitive sheep shearing…always bet on the guy with the braided beard and arms like a cast member of Predator.

Sometimes all you can do is make the world 0.0000000000001% less awful by being a good person and it feels very meaningless but it’s also the only thing that really matters

Been thinking a lot about werewolves lately. Specifically, a group of werewolves that perform as a Steely Dan cover band.

If you add the first four numbers of the alphabet, the result is the cell membrane of Patagonia.

Old Navy emailed me to let me know all pants are 50% off. My pants are 100% off, so advantage me.

Sorry about that, I had to change croissants. You were saying?

2026 is already making me want to lie down in a bathtub full of hand grenades.

I want a shirt with a variety of vegetables on it. I would wear it while applying for a large bank loan.

The International House of Shut the Fuck Up

There’s $35 worth of hams in my fridge at the moment. I don’t think I’ve ever been this rich in hams before. And I doubt I will be again. I’ve hit Peak Hams.

Naming identical twins “Starboard” and “Port” so people *really* can’t remember which one is which.

This officiating crew should never be allowed to call a game above DIII level again.

Glad I made that ham sandwich and resigned myself to watching the second half of this game instead of giving up and going back to playing my annual game of the original Final Fantasy.

Oh my god Ole Miss

Stockton is going to fly apart like a LEGO man at some point if this keeps up.

Morton got squished on 4th down by Purchase. SQUISH SQUISH SQUISH GOES THE QB

Finally! FINALLY! Ducks score a TD!

They didn’t even show the whole performance lmao I do love that my generation is in charge of picking halftime entertainment…maybe we will get Counting Crows for the Rose Bowl…Bush for the Sugar Bowl?

I love a fake punt. LOVE IT.

I don’t like it when the Oregon Ducks uniforms lack the green and yellow so synonymous with them and Brazil.

My cat is snuggled up next to me as I watch tv because the basic morons are blowing up money in anticipation of a new year. 2025 was great for me personally, but horrific on a larger scale. But there were some signs near the end that give me some hope for 2026.

Miami has eliminated two of my least favorite teams in this playoff. I hope Uncle Luke has a wonderful night tonight.

love when you find an album your cat likes

Watching a Manning take his rightful place in the Citrus Bowl…ah I feel like an undergrad again lol

I remember when rubber cement was all the rage as an adhesive. And as imitation snot.