My wife saw me sneezing in the bathroom and said it's gross. I said, it's snot!

5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.

I told my friend I swallowed two bits of string, and when I pooped them out, they were tied together! He didn't believe me and said, 'You're lying.' I said... It's the truth, I shit you knot.

If someone throws a brick at you, are you mortarly wounded?

I don't write about easy things. Still Here is the third book in a series about survival, memory, and what you become when someone tries to erase you.

What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

People say circumcision doesn't hurt, but I disagree. I was circumcised when I was born, and I couldn't walk for over a year.

I'm flying to India to try their famous sandwiches. Everyone's talking about their New Delhi.

go to google, type in fifty ten hull, translate it to french, then play the french audio heres the link to save you thr trouble https://translate.google.com/?sl=en&tl=fr&text=fifty%20ten%20hull&op=translate #DocAfterDark

What do you call a wolf that has things figured out? Aware wolf.

I was charged and convicted of being narcissistic. I'm appealing.

Always good to remember... Quote of the day: Never grab hot stuff without protection.

I went to the doctor's recently. He said, 'Don't eat anything fatty.' I said, 'What, like bacon and burgers?' He said, 'No, fatty. Don't eat anything.'

Studies show that fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have children, chances are, you won't either.

Not making any plans today, so the word 'premeditated' won't start getting thrown around the courtroom...

I have no Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh because I'm Baroque.

I sat next to a baby for a 10-hour flight. I didn't think it was possible for someone to scream for 10 hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

A vulture boards a plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks and says, 'Sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger.'

Nobody talks about the miracle of Jesus having 12 close friends in his 30s...

You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass. You know what that means? You matter!

Haunted French pancakes give me The Crepes...

Who stole the soap from the bathtub? The Robber Ducky.

This morning I tried to catch some fog. Mist.

My son tried to change the time back... But not on my watch.

My wife always yells at me for not knowing how to properly season my food, but I don't mind. I take it with a pinch of sugar.

🌌 Thackeray's Globules What are these strange space globs? Situated in rich star fields and glowing hydrogen gas, these opaque clouds of interstellar dust and gas are so large they might be able to form stars. Their home is known as IC 2944, a bright stellar nursery located about 7,600 light…

Thoughts from the desk of someone with a terrible cold... An empty tissue box... is nothing to sneeze at...

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.

I keep falling off my bike and injuring myself. It's a really vicious cycle.

I farted in Burger King. It was an absolute Whopper.

[Interview] What are your strengths? Me: I fall in love easily. Okay... what are your weaknesses? Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

I watched my first adult film the other day. I was so much younger then.

the good news: it's free on Kindle Unlimited the bad news: "free" does not mean "emotionally safe"

What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police believe they're still at large.

What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry? 58.

if you see your girl choking… maybe back up a bit! #ProTipip from #DocAfterDarkrk

I was fired from my job when I asked a customer if they wanted smoking or non-smoking. Apparently, the correct terms are cremation or burial.

Why is 'beef' a bad password? It's not stroganoff.

My friend fell in a river in Egypt last week, but swears he didn't. He's in De Nile.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

I told the doctor I felt like a deck of playing cards... He said he'd deal with me later.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me.

For those of you asking: Do you know where my jokes come from? I get them from my Dad-a-base...

What do you call a modest insect? A humble bee.

The guy who owns the local cinema has died. His funeral is on Monday at 12:10, 2:20, and 6:40.

'You're so childish!' screamed my wife. 'Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie-talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!' This relationship is what? Over!

I can't figure out why Marvel hasn't put any advertisements on the Incredible Hulk. He's basically a giant banner.

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

I've got an addiction to Cheddar cheese. It's only mild though.