I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself... Well, this changes everything.

My wife always wanted a son with a foreign-sounding name, so after she gave birth, she decided on Mark but with a C. She will be so excited to see Cark's birth certificate that came in the mail today!

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint. Bartender: Sorry, we don't serve food.

I'm very pleased to say that I have rid myself of the extra electrical charge that has been bothering me... In fact, I'm ex-static.

I insulted my friend Terry in public, and I feel awful. I must be suffering from dissin' Terry.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day. Teach a man to fish and he's going to spend a fortune on gear he'll only use twice a year.

What happens when the fog lifts in Los Angeles? UCLA.

Why is the men's bathroom always on the left? Because women are always right.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off. I think I'm being stalked!

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

Turns out my friend used to be indecisive... But now she's not so sure...

What do you call a kid afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic.

The reason I don't run for political office is because I'm against capital PUNishment.

What do the Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

As a hobby, my dad stabs clocks with his knife. Says it's a fun way to kill time. It's a good thing time heals all wounds!

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, you can't come in without a Thai.'

what's the best part of having a hooker die on you? the second hour is free! #DocAfterDark

Here's a great joke from the One Joke app! Get 5000+ more daily jokes at: play.google.com/store/apps/d...

I was in a taxi, and the driver said it was going to cost $6. I said, 'I've only got $5, can you reverse a bit?'

The word "Diputseromneve" may look ridiculous. But backwards it's even more stupid

Don't even think about it!🐕💪🚨😆 #SnarlingStewie #BullmastiffBackyardBouncer @hamishmom.bsky.social @lainrearview.bsky.social @scabbyhabby.bsky.social @maudegertrude.bsky.social @permanentrush2112.bsky.social @gabriellasmom2018.bsky.social @docatcdi.com @denisdrum.bsky.social @evodaily.bsky.social

I tried to sign up to a website the other day. I put my password as BeefStew, but it said the password wasn't stroganoff.

There it is conclusive proof the earth id flat!

Know why it costs $1.50 to put air in your tires these days? Inflation...

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was at home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Well, Ron can't share a checking account with his love because she doesn't intermingle Her Mioney with his.

#ZargonsSnackAttack 🍻🍔😋 Quick burger: Montreal steak spice/pepper/garlic powder/lettuce/tomato/onion/dill pickle/mayo/mustard/cheddar cheese/fresh kaiser bun. Tasty apricot pint. Quick. Easy. Tasty. @docatcdi.com @gabriellasmom2018.bsky.social @sandie-sandiekins.bsky.social @vivien2112.bsky.social

I tried to start a hide-and-seek club, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

My wife has left me because of my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

I'm on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I'm seated in the last row. I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

Japan: "We've created a biomechanical mouth that uses actual physical airflow through silicone vocal structures to produce human speech!" The Internet: "...uh huh" Japan: "It's real science. Brilliant engineering. Genuine innovation in vocal biomechanics." The Internet: ... #Science #DocAfterDark

I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an infectious smile. She had cold sores.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable...

I don’t like cheese because it makes me fart. I usually don't fart until I cut the cheese...

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We're good, but we haven't got a gig yet.

My wife and I decided we didn't want to have children. We don't know how they'll take it, but we're telling them at dinner...

Which of the Seven Dwarfs is most like you?

Kinda my these so I made a clock LOL anybody else need one? I'll make you one too!

My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it.

My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend. They're both CauldRon.

How much does a pirate charge for an earring? About a buck an ear!

What is the root of all evil? 25.8069758011

I'm so committed to the environment that even my jokes are recycled.

I found out why nurses carry red crayons. In case they have to draw blood.

Each time you light your lighter Your lighter gets lighter Until your lighter gets so light That it won't light. Is it still a lighter?

Kinda my these so I made a clock LOL anybody else need one? I'll make you one too!

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.