What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.

Jiujitsu: (Noun): 1: The gentle art of folding clothes while people are still in them 2: Involuntary yoga

Receipts don't lie, they itemize the scam. 🧾💸 Turns out tariffs are driving up grocery and remodel costs, not "vague economic weather". CFOs are spreading the pain over two years, "pacing" the price hikes to keep us buying. Your wallet is paying for the 'strategy'. thesixthlense.com/article/rece...

What did the Italian structural engineer say when asked how and why he so strongly supported his wife? He replied... . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'cantilever.'

After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk by she says, 'What an ass.'

Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat at cards against my wife. My son stands behind her and texts me what card she has in her hand.

I have a joke about hearing loss, but it will fall on deaf ears.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

You can't fight Destiny. If you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too.

What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby. He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

Sometimes I make puns about puns.

My doctor told me to stop masturbating... when I asked why, the doctor replied… because I'm trying to examine you! #DocAfterDarkk

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts!

Why were the two crows arrested? Murder.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi?

If a walking corpse is referred to as a zombie, then what would you call a running one? A Zoombie.

My doctor just informed me my weight is perfect, I just happen to be 11 feet too short...

You come home hungry The pantry is pretty bare Payday is 2 days away Your significant other makes this for dinner how do you respond?

@jen-bookfreedom.bsky.social as required by internet law here is my unsolicited Dick Pic

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered. The chicken.

I applied for a job at the bedding factory, but they turned me down. Guess my application wasn't a good fit.

How do you make a Swiss roll? You push him over.

A hypnotist once convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I'm easily lead.

What do you call a bee that never quite made it in the hive? A wanna bee.

People keep asking me to stop quoting Bruce Willis movies... But you know what they say... old habits Die Hard.

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches. Which means the U.S. will still have a functioning government.

What do you call a bee from the United States? A USB.

Genie: You have three wishes. What is your first wish? Guy: I wish there were no more lawyers. Genie: Your wish is granted. You have used up all your wishes. Guy: But you said I had three wishes. Genie: Sue me!

What did the Snowman say to the aggressive carrot? 'Get out of my face.'

I love how they are putting jokes on the side of snacks these days. Listen to this one: Serving Size: 3 cookies.

I want to buy a pillow made with 100% goose feathers. I hope I can afford the down payment...

I was going to share a time-traveling joke... But you guys didn't like it.

Today my wife said, 'I would love to go to the south of France one day.' I replied, 'That would be Nice.'

I hate when I'm really hungry, and the only thing in the house is ingredients.

If I were a superhero, I'd be known as Typo Man. I write all the wrongs.

5-minute walk from my house to the pub. 35-minute walk from the pub to the house! The difference is staggering...

What's the best thing that happened to you today? #BestThingOfTheDay

I think I may have done something wrong today.

My wife is mad at me; she says I have no sense of direction. So I packed my bags and right.

do ya know what the similarities are between a rubics cube and a penis? Turns out the more you play with them, they harder they get! #DocAfterDark

Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.

I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

I went to the zoo. The petting zoo was awesome except for the sheep that apparently had a heart attack. They had to give it Sheepy R.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian. It was the least I could do for him.

When I was little, I saw a kid in my neighborhood dragging around a loaf of bread on a leash. To be funny, I said, 'Hey, you have a beautiful dog!' He responded, 'Thanks, it's pure bread!'

My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After two minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up. Good players are hard to find.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb? Why does it have to be a group activity?