Would you look at that…

Sorry I left you on read, I had to google your shorthand

I’m capable of so much dumber

I put the 'me' in stupid

Sorry I left you on read, I had to google your shorthand

I need Rudolph's red nose to find my way to your hol---heart.

I’m capable of so much dumber

to be clear, I am pro big titty and little titty and everything in between :)

david duchovny doesn’t love you and he’s keeping why a secret

I’m one bad day from staging my abduction and disappearing into the woods

My favorite childhood memory is having a strong bladder.

Just added "bifocal curious" to my dating profile

Charlie Brown and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

They're all going to laugh at you, Charlie Brown

What’s the frequency, Charlie Brown?

I don't understand this joke, Charlie Brown

Do you really like a song if you don’t listen to it on repeat for 30 minutes?

you never responded please advise

overwhelmed. happy monday.

Can't catch me! I'm caffeinated.

if you have a crush on me, that will go away once you get to know me

Tipsy me: accidentally seductive Sober me: don’t talk to me

Rollin' up to the parent-teacher conferences with a vape in my bra.

that’s weird *shakes phone* reskeets must be broken

I wish I was rich enough to have Owen Wilson follow me around and say 'Wow' whenever I finish any routine task.

I'll never forget you, whatever your name was.

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

I may not be fluent, but I can be silent in many languages.

Some things are better left slurred inaudibly.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs. Pharmacist:

Whoops, too late -a memoir

Can I say things like “I want your tongue in my mouth”

they should make a hug you can buy from someone who really means it

I haven’t looked outside yet, but I touched my dry arm & it feels like it should be a rainy day.

Wake up wake up there are several things to panic about this week get moving

What’s the frequency, Charlie Brown?

“fuck it like it owes you money” Monday

I'm beginning to think too much internet is bad for mental health

hey cutie, wanna come over and disassociate for a bit?

I have a feeling I’m going to be chatty this week

Not sure for what yet but thank you

**Snorting lines of hot chocolate and sharpening candy canes to prepare for the war on Christmas.

Subtitles in a movie said 'shink' when a character pulled out their sword and now I can go to bed happy

Francis was more Mike Shinoda whereas Leo is more Chester

“Do you want me to give you lots of attention or leave you alone?” Me: Yes.

*Scrolls past your thirst traps for pics of food you’ve made

putting the tit in gratitude

RIP JS Bach, you would have loved Guitar Hero