Eyewear for the pool

So tell me about yourself. Okay, that's enough.

Local power company came to fix the storm damage on my street. They cut power to the block, didn’t fix the damage, and left. And that sums up my feelings about everything right about now.

Helios in the chariot with his horses. #photography #sky #sunrise #mythology #landscape

on my first day of virtual training for the new job i have decided to wear a handlebar mustache so my colleagues find me approachable and my supervisor declares that i am a lovable scamp

Other people: "I NEVER let my dog on the furniture at home!" My dog at home:

I need help, and by help i mean nachos

For my next wish, elephants that fly *evil grin*

go ahead and make fun of me, I’ll join you I’ve got material for days

The biggest barrier to my return to the office is the complete disregard HR has for my afternoon nap schedule.

Nature's abstract art...

Me as a therapist: Take that crumbled cookie and sprinkle it on some ice cream.

"Saturday, in the park, I think it was the fourth of July!" youtu.be/GOJHauJ1wzQ?...

dress for the job you want

Air conditioning implies the existence of air shampooing

I'm smart enough to realize how dumb I am.

Bought some lottery tickets so I could declare my independence from ever working again

Well, well, well… (Me, looking at 3 holes in the ground used to retrieve water)

if you plant an egg in the ground you can grow a fried chicken tree

Saying Happy Halloween the day after the 4th is my Dad Joke, so just deal with it.

It must be so refreshing to put cucumber slices on your balls

I am hot and cranky. ~a public service announcement

You can pry these potato chips out of my cold dead hands if you want them.

getting lost in the sauce sounds amazing

I’m always rooting for the underdog. In sports, in life, in everything.

Adulting - 3 out of 10 - do not recommend.

who do I contact for a warranty claim for [checks notes] my entire body

When you find that person who becomes your reason to wake up thankful for another day in this hellscape, be sure to let them know

Pints of our favorite ice cream and chill?

Looked my boss straight in the eye and said there was no way I was going to work in this heat. And you should have seen the look on that bitch’s face! *I work for myself, I was staring in the mirror.

I get it, I ignore all the things I have to say as well.

I’ll say a prayer for you, but just so you know it’s going to be REO Speedwagon lyrics

how annoyed do you think dermatologists would be if we all started calling them skintenders?

This train is so packed, I think this lady and I are sharing the same pair of underwear now. Unrelated: I don’t know how women wear these silk panties all day without getting aroused.

you are peanut butter and I am jelly what a delicious mess we make

as a bald guy I should be able to use my HSA to buy cool hats

What do I know, I’m just some asshole on the Internet

Sometimes.. good reasons

(Oh-oh, here she comes) Watch out, cheese, she'll chew you up (Oh-oh, here she comes) She's a cheese eater (Oh-oh, here she comes) Watch out, cheese, she'll chew you up (Oh-oh, here she comes) She's a cheese eater

toffee sounds like a made up word

let someone know you care by giving them a work boner 🥰

I need cookies in my life, but suffer a severe lack of them. I apologize for what may occur next

Boob avis are intended to titillate us, and that’s why words are fun.

Have you hugged your beaver today? Happy Canada Day!

Pride month is officially over, I nominate “sloth” as the next deadly sin we celebrate

If your boobs get too hot in a heat wave, your nipples turn into raisins

rock and roll photos