My heart goes out to all Canadians today, especially those affected in BC.

Drafts are for serious people. Which I am not.

I can't wait to become stardust again

Post your favorite Lord of The Rings character wrong answers only

Nothing personal, but can you please shut up

In France, they say “bifler” for slapping a face with a dick. Anyway. How’s your day going?

we don’t care about dinosaurs as much as we used to

i have never in my life aspired to an honorific higher than “this mf’er”

🧵 UPDATE FOR MY BIRTHDAY: Hi, so AI killed my career(s) and I'm still barely holding on. Some people tried to get me to start a fundraiser, but that felt weird, so I thought maybe if I was contributing something? So I started making shirts. Can you share this and maybe think about grabbing some?

it's especially important to eat your vegetables before they overthrow human civilization

Me in my 20s: I'm gonna ride my bike across the state, no problem Me now: I pulled a muscle trying to give someone a thumbs up

I'm having a feeling. I do not like it.

Back in the 80s, I had a license to ill. I also had a learner's permit to be funky fresh.

I'm a multi-tasker. I can disappoint several people at the same time.

holding people accountable is sexy af

Little known fact: Even if you haven't been arrested, you still have the right to remain silent.

At least there's still books and music.

Frodo at the White House is Lord of the Lies

My toxic trait is thinking one productive task means I deserve to retire for the day

helvetica sounds like a swedish black metal collective

Plot twist: Eats YOUR feelings

The Capybara - not the hero the city expected...but exactly the hero the city needed

*yawns in Godzilla*

I'm in the mood for a romantic getaway, baby, take me to Gobbler's Knob.

Welcome to your 50s. One wrong move and your body files a formal complaint. Spoiler: there’s no good move.

The fact that I got an email stating new activity in my patient portal sounds both dirty and frightening.

They say ignorance kills. How I wish that was true.

Bomb Cyclone is my stripper name.

help me, soup season. you’re my only hope.

The sun left some color in the sky

Imagine cooking with me. No, more cheese.

Sesame Street never prepared me for any of this

I just heard someone say the light doesn't fight with the dark, it just shows up. I'm going to try and remember that.

He cared. He led with empathy. He put himself at risk for others. May we all learn from Alex Pretti.

Me: do that thing I like Them: *leaves*

Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stay soft in a world that keeps asking you to harden up. Pay attention to what steadies you — a quiet moment, a voice, a song — and keep those things close. They ain’t escapes; they’re anchors.

I don't even understand how some of this shit is up for debate.

It's a good day to help some hamburger.

I'd rather be talking about the mysteries of the universe than thinking about the stupidity of this world.

i know my account hasn’t been much fun lately but in my defense *points at every single fucking thing*

It all went to shit when people started having to ask how much something is at the dollar store.

The delicate balance between staying informed and loosing your goddamned mind

It's all a very sad boom-chicka-wow-wow.

No digitty. All dope.

imagine how much better this world would be if we gave huge bonuses to those who cared for children instead of those who terrorize them

if you see something (drugs) say something (take them)