I'm eating soft serve in my pool, if this were 1990, this is the richest thing I could ever being doing.

Eyewear for the pool

Sometimes I like to scare the men by walking around with a tape measure out.

“Everyone brings a different dish, then I’ll splatter them all over the floor.” - Jackson Potluck

“Yeah, you can tell from the, uh, baroque cornices that it’s probably from the Ming dynasty,” the 48-year-old decorative arts specialist said of the century-old cigar humidor she had barely bothered to glance at

I'm approximately 83.2% apple crisp at this point.

As a current Texan, I am okay with Ken Paxton and/or Ted Cruz leaving Texas at any given time.

Pretty sure I sunburnt my ass this weekend so that's going to be great sitting at my desk tomorrow.

This sign makes it seem like smoking is otherwise permitted in Kroger.

Playing dead in my pool when the hospital bird goes over with a stoplight is my favorite work pass time.

Saying Happy Halloween the day after the 4th is my Dad Joke, so just deal with it.

It sure was

Almost time to watch more Bill Pullman!

Laying in the pool looking straight up and there's a rainbow 🌈 that's got to be Roy looking out for me.

Just looking for a hotel on the island with 2 king beds. 2 king beds should be an option in general.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The essentials, benes, ibprophen & ibuprophen pm.

I have a toothache that feels like a $10k problem, love that for me. ❤️

RN advised patient to not eat what they are knowingly allergic to, patient states RN should mind her own business, ED precautions given.

A Crime Con Cruise seems like an invite for disaster with some of the last kind of fans I'd want to be on a boat with. In addition to not wanting to be on a boat.

I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine.

Summmeeeerrrrrr!

We should have the week off for Surviving America.

Happy 250th?

I accidentally bought a soft bristle toothbrush, it's like wearing wet socks. 🤢

The rice krispies I ordered for Easter just showed up, I'm sure they're fine.

Tonight's projector screen movie:

The Tim Horton's s'more latte has me in a chokehold.

Happy Father's Day to the best there will ever be ❤️ He's only ever just resting his eyes.

Just watched 22 open a can of biscuits, I think we (40 and up) should be ready for war if we want to stand a fighting chance.

It's a good night to watch John Goodman. Any night is.

I made ribs and a brisket, I will smell like smoke for the next 9 days.

Geena Davis think she's the star and not realizing killing off Bill Pullman too soon will do you in is rich.

Coffee on the deck as it storms with 2 happy dogs is back! Also, Iook at my mug.

How cute is my outdoor candle?!

Doing the Lord's work. Also, the s'more iced capp is 10/10.

People are pissing me off today.

Screaming YOU KILLED OUR FRIEND as I drive by the womens prison isn't enough, I need vengeance.

How are you going to win a championship and then destroy the city that won it....

I'm going to be real with you, I'm scared of whatever my friends are doing when they feed their bread to make bread or whatever they're doing.

Things that offend my dog: -Not sharing the Advil I just took. -Closing the bathroom door. (While I'm in it.) -Taking up any space in their king size bed. -Cold cheesy eggs.

My place of employment will be the death of me before anything that could get me to be a story on one of my shows.

You want rich people to stop committing crimes? Make the punishment poverty.

Real Housewifes could be filmed at the local women's prison.

I've been replying 'well. I hate that' to every teams message I get today.

Imagine putting your face on money and it becoming essential valuable.

Big day around here, the preview of the new grocery ads drop today and it's Father's Day Week 🙌 That means brisket is on sale!

Be become absolutely ungovernable around melted cheese.

I'm laying on a Lisa Frank-ish heating pad because I pulled a muscle in my back. One Millenial dream after another around here.