I wanted to become an undertaker but the industry is dead.

2 factor authentication but for people who knock at your door.

a yellow submarine would really stick out i dont think the beatles ever saw a real submersible

Just read a great financial times article about how to safely burn furniture for warmth

I'm afraid the price of dirty deeds has risen precipitously due to tariffs and inflation

Dammit, my clothes have shrunk again.

Diet day 1 I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.

Ballpoint pens were once a huge advance in technology but here in 2026 we have 14 ways to spell Jackson

I celebrate the New Year like most people, joyful in the knowledge that I’m another year closer to retirement.

Hang on I gotta put a fake tree in the basement until November

kate bush running past sisyphus

A bel biv devoe bahn mi shop called that girl is hoisin

I keep my friends close, but my cheese and wine closer.

My life is loosely based on a true story.

I've always respected and admired people who think before they speak.

Every day a new test of my composure.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

I think it would be cool to merge retirement homes, children’s homes, and animal shelters. A community where older people teach young children about life and take care of abandoned animals together. I bet it would do wonders for everyone involved.

The United States is the new Evil Empire.

You think you know fear, I've seen me naked.

I know that you know that I know that you know that I know what you did last summer. So now you know.

“Put them in the freezer, we’ll make banana bread with them” and other lies we tell ourselves.

Nothing good comes from putting on pants.

I only get called ‘lady’ by little kids who don’t know any better.

Good news, guys. My shitshow has been renewed for a second season.

My toxic trait is thinking I can fix my entire life by buying a new notebook.

busy ghosts keep a to-boo list

I love watching the sun rise, but I prefer not to be driving to work when it happens.

Her: How’s your anger management therapy going? Me: Long time no seethe.

In these awful times, it’s important to remain sexy in our own stupid fucked up little ways

The older I get the more I regret not having told more people to fuck off.

ugh sequels. charlie xcx? how many chocolate factories does that kid need to go to?

I got stuck behind a learner driver on the way to work this morning. I learned so much, it was awesome.

*watching exciting ending of action movie Wow, I wonder how they keep those floors so shiny?

It's not graffiti. That building wanted a tattoo

I’d fight a bear* for you . . . . (*teddy)

I care about people. Whoops, sorry I meant cheese. I care about cheese.

Ordering an extra pizza just to have a few cold slices for breakfast.

imagine hating me and I’m just over here converting my old fruit of the looms into rags to check the oil

These glutes were made for walking

With Evil doing so well these days I fully expect spiders to grow very large and take over the planet

Don’t artificial sweetener coat your words to me

I regret to inform you that I have become more yawn than man.

Yawned so big I unhinged my jaw and turned my skull inside-out

Safe to assume that every single person who voted to block the release of The List Of Very Evil People Who Should Rot In Jail For The Rest Of Their Life is on The List Of Very Evil People Who Should Rot In Jail For The Rest Of Their Life.

I hope that special place in Hell has a fully stocked bar.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but you need a soul to have a soulmate.

Me: Could you please pass the goth fairy dust? Her: …That’s black pepper.

Let them eat Kale