I can't understand the words to Funky Cold Medina. I guess you could say I'm Tone Loc deaf.

I could go for a nice cuddle and maybe a butt grab.

I'm so old that when I first saw it in the cinema it was just called Star Wars.

they say dress for the job you want so I wear my pajamas to work every day

My house has a bed and I can eat breakfast whenever I want. Why would I pay someone for theirs? Crazy

PLEASE, get comfortable with going to events, movies, concerts, coffee shops, museums by yourself so you don't miss out on life waiting for people.

sommelier: would sir care for wine? me: care for it? I’d nurture it like it’s my first born

Fact: sperm whales call humans “jizz monkeys”

I have survived multiple encounters with bears. They were teddy bears but you get my point.

More like edaMamaMia, amirite!

A Dr once slapped a beer from my hand. I drink wine now.

Look me in the ass and tell me you love me.

Dad: Figure skating? How about you figure out how to get a job

My bank account is crying.

The only cause worth dying for imo is a high cholesterol diet.

She was dazzling, like a laser pointer to the eyeballs.

How do I become anticrastinating?

Being cynical is the new happy.

But, I dont want to play the sane one today.

If someone calls me "dog," I take that as a green light to mount them and assert my dominance.

I'm running out of room for another "I told you so" tattoo.

Coexistence has been canceled.

Breakfast is the most important gin absorber of the day.

'Clench' is an intrinsically funny word. Anyway, crapped my pants at the train station again

Why read about dystopian societies when you can just live in them.

I still have a passionate love of *life. *naps

Choosing to be slothful and not ruthless is a professional goal.

I can't wait until I'm really old so I can bore people by making 30 second stories last for hours then relating it all back to the weather.

There’s an unexpected item in the teabagging area.

Redoing my resume in all emojis in an attempt to stay relevant

It’s been so long since I shopped for groceries it’s just the string cheese keeping me alive.

Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?

Social media 2% useful news 7% clever and/or funny posts 3% useful or interesting political posts 1% interesting pics or images 87% the absolute worst

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Love means never having to say sorry for your misuse of your and you’re.

20 years ago you could never have said that your Yeti smelled like Pina Colada without people thinking you were a pervert. What a wonderful time to be alive.

a vampire who hunts down his own kind, fueled by the rage of being burdened with the dark gift he never desired and deprived him of his true love: garlic bread

Does it seem more respectful to say Mature Woman than Ole Miss?

At my age, my hobbies now include: finding a comfortable position, and regretting what I ate.

I wanted to become an undertaker but the industry is dead.

2 factor authentication but for people who knock at your door.

a yellow submarine would really stick out i dont think the beatles ever saw a real submersible

Just read a great financial times article about how to safely burn furniture for warmth

I'm afraid the price of dirty deeds has risen precipitously due to tariffs and inflation

Dammit, my clothes have shrunk again.

Diet day 1 I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.

Ballpoint pens were once a huge advance in technology but here in 2026 we have 14 ways to spell Jackson

I celebrate the New Year like most people, joyful in the knowledge that I’m another year closer to retirement.

Hang on I gotta put a fake tree in the basement until November

kate bush running past sisyphus