The Seven Social Sins are: Wealth without work. Pleasure without conscience. Knowledge without character. Commerce without morality. Science without humanity. Worship without sacrifice. Politics without principle. -Frederick Lewis Donaldson in Westminster Abbey, London, on March 20, 1925

They tell me I’m barking at nothing. I say there is nothing because I bark. Philosophy of a German Shepherd.

I’m getting to that age where I feel like I’m about to fall for an online scam.

I don’t take advice I steal it

You can teach your kid to back up a car properly using reverse psychology.

I hate everyone and everything. I should never leave my house again.

Who called it a diet and not asking for leaniency.

I shouldn’t be trusted to make decisions without my beer goggles.

I can’t wait until politics is over.

You can count on me for not making a chat room.

I’m pretty sure I could take Adele in a fight

woke up tired from sleeping

She was radiant, like weapons-grade plutonium.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

on a dark dessert highway cool whip in my hair warm smell of some fritos rising up through the air up ahead in the distance i saw a shimmering pie my stomach growled and my sight grew dim i had to stop for a bite

An evil spirit once screamed at me to GET OUT, but I told it in no uncertain terms that I do NOT do cardio.

Being hit with the consequences of someone else's actions is just adulthood's way of reminding you of school group projects.

I've got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

My new car has lots of fancy technology in it. Just now I put it in reverse and it showed a video of some lady getting run over by a car.

What the Hell is Wrong With People? An Accidental Scroll Through the Discover Feed

If I just stay in bed all day I could say that I am working under cover.

Maybe we can all just get along, while not getting along?

If it were an emergency they'd ring. *mutes phone

have you really hit rock bottom if you don’t have a bathtub in your front yard?

Thanks for putting Comedian after your name so I know.

Got fired from the zoo for accidentally getting shot with a tranquilizer dart for the 9th time

Someone called me eye candy but I think it was just because I’m jelly-filled.

On my dating profile in the section, ways to win me over, it’s just a list of different types of cheeses.

You want a real fitness challenge? Try wrestling a half-eaten chicken bone out of your dog’s mouth while she guards her pile of sticks like Fort Knox.

Things were going poorly, but I was confident I could make it worse.

I’m apparently unapproachable. Whew. That was a close one.

I can’t wait to get home, take off my work clothes, and toss my undies on the floor next to the laundry basket.

Me: Do you think the gang from Scooby-Doo ever had an orgy? Boss: I meant do you have anything relevant to this staff meeting?

“Photograph” by Def Leppard has been one of my favorite songs for 43 years. I don’t want to hear any more about my “commitment issues”

MyChart announcing a dating app based on medical compatibility

My body is a temple. My mind is an electrical storm. My car is a rolling trash can. My apartment is an abandoned 7-11. I could do this all day.

I would NEVER kill anyone! Accidentally.

The key to eating Doritos at an orgy is, don’t lick your fingers.

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

I have a poetic license to drive. So, I do not know The speed I go. ‘Step out of the car ma’am’

I thought the chorus in the song 𝘓𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘍𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦 was “lunatic French.” I was afraid to visit Paris for years.

the existence of Kid Rock implies the existence of Kid Paper and Kid Scissors

[first date] her: I want a man who’s not afraid to show his feelings me: well I cried when I watched Bambi her: every kid cried at Bambi me: this was last week

Morning people should be required to whisper until the rest of us accept reality.

oh no i wasted my youth

I’ve got a lot of work left to put off

at this point i only know what day it is because it says so on my pill organizer

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.