You can't judge a book by its intentionally left blank page.

They say to beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. But I tend to avoid wolves in general and I’d be particularly wary of them wearing ANY type of clothing.

I'm actally pretty cool once you get past all the uncoolness

The housing market is so crazy, I can only afford to buy the haunted and poltergeisted houses.

Signing off all work emails with… I challenge you to a duel, just to see who reads them.

Be the shutting the fuck up you want to hear in the world.

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.

Life is short…tell more people to fuck off.

This day in history. 1925. German serial killer Friedrich Heinrich Karl "Fritz" Haarmann was executed by guillotine. You may know him as the Butcher of Hanover, or the Vampire of Hanover, or the Wolf Man of Hanover, or the Godfather of Funk but why are you doing that?

HR: Linda said you “booped” her nose? Me: I was trying to mute her.

Try to only panic about one thing at a time.

The sign at my local gas station now just reads “Market Price”

me: ever heard of quasimodo? hemingway? pavlov? donne? wife: please don’t me: they don’t ring any bells? wife: my mother was right

Running into a bank screaming bankruptcy isn’t the financial equivalent of diplomatic immunity. Now I know.

My stripper name is Sticky Cheeto Fingers.

I have a flat stomach when I lie down. Yet another reason to never get out of bed.

no one talks about love potions 1-8 bc everyone who used them is dead

I like my shepherd’s pie made with genuine shepherd.

We have a surplus of unbearable humans, yet a shortage of them getting flat tires in front of blood-soaked asylums. I’m just saying, if a maniacal Victorian axe-wielding ghost wants to chase these assholes, I’m not getting out of my car.

I’ve chosen to become that asshole at work who says wheelie instead of really. Feels good to be an outlier.

The Vealshank Ingestion.

The Sixth Sense is a movie about a man who loves his job so much that he won’t even call in sick when he’s dead.

the bag of doritos in the pantry just texted me 'you up?'

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

My divorce from reality was finalised today.

"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

what if jesus was trying to show us we could hibernate like bears

This day in history. 1996. Subhana Barzaghi became the first female zen roshi teacher in Australia. At the time she commented "Was in the dunny when I got the word and fuck yeah I was so excited I had to lay a second cable."

If you’ve lived in enough places you’ve probably accumulated handfuls of mystery keys.

Relive my life? Not on your life.

who called it easter and not april ghouls day

The gap in my resume is when my brain and body were telling me that working is stupid.

My self care routine involves beer and salty snacks.

Nothing I do is petty, it’s always grand. Except theft.

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

My employer offered me golden handcuffs but I refused. I mean, who wants their boss to pee on their wrists?

My ass doesn’t quit but she sure does like her naps.

math professors love going off on tangents hahaha why don’t i have any friends

If you put a fig leaf to your ear you can hear Adam and Eve’s privates.

I want you to know that I hear you. I’m not actually listening and I don’t like it, but I hear you.

🎶I’m every woman Sit down to pee

I asked my doctor if there's a name for my back condition. He said, "It's called 'being alive in your sixties.” Oh great. So the cure is dying?

Just because I’m here doesn’t mean I’m here.

an imaginary threesome, call that a mirage à trois

Looking forward to being 90 years old, gathering the kids around me so I can dispense sage wisdom from my many years of life, but it’s nothing but lyrics to 311 songs. “You know kids, the fish who keeps on swimming is the first to chill upstream, that’s what I’ve always said…”

How am I? I don't answer trick questions.

hard to believe that for almost two decades i was the height of professionalism and decorum and now i can’t go an hour without rolling my eyes and doing the jerk off motion

It's Monday all day today, and there's no known way to prevent this.

Nobody ever tells me to just bring myself.

I've never met a dog that I've wanted to ignore.